emily

hhihhiihihihihihi everyone
it me emily writing
i am 12
we are in the hospital now
we been here since yesterday afternoon
i am so scared
a nurse was really mean to me
she said if i dont eat she wont give me our meds
so i ate a yogurt
just to keep her happy
but now i feel like i need to throw it up
but we are taking ativan
the doctor said we could take it up to 3 times a day
but the nurse amanda said if i am not eating
she wont give it to us
she said she has a right to refuse us our meds
is that true?
i hate eating
i hate food
i hate being fat
i hate my body
i just hate everything about food
and now i am out and i dont know for how long
and this is happening
and its upsetting me so much
the ativan makes us so tired
but we need it to take the edge off of the anxiety
and it is good because when we rest internal work can be done
butterfly hugs
loves you all,
Emily age 12

Awake at 3 AM

i woke up and now i’m up and there is no sign of me going back to sleep. not sure what woke me but once i am up thats it.
the thoughts of self harm and suicide are back again. they are always worse by night. i talked to staff earlier about them. the nurse i talked to didnt really get it. she told me to just distract from the thoughts. she didnt get how distressed i was. she gave me a xanax and told me to rest and that she’d check on me during the night.
all very well but how do you rest when your brain wont switch off?

Gave in and took a xanax

i’m feeling so anxious right now. i have been sleeping on and off. i started on prozac yesterday and it is making me tired. so been sleeping on and off all day. starting feeling anxious about 3 AM. its now 4:30 AM and I just gave in and asked for a xanax. the nurse gave me 0.25 mg of it. so far it isnt kicking in but maybe it takes a while. I’m so glad dr. barry prescribed this for me. I made sure to ask her for something prn when I saw her on Friday. Everyones asleep in my room. It feels weird to be up and the only one awake. I ate some fruit and some chips and drank some 7-up a little bit ago. Our bathroom is blocked so we cant use it. We have to go into a different room and use theirs. so every time I need to go I have to go out to the desk and ask the nurses to take me. Its kinda annoying.
HOpe I manage some more sleep soon.

Had a tough conversation with dr. Barry

just saw dr. barry. we had some really tough conversations. mostly they were around attachment, we talked about our level of attachment to dr. barry. i asked her if she thought it was healthy. she said she thought parts of it werent. she said she realised how long it took us to build up trust in her, and to form an attachment with her. she said they’d discussed it at the recent case conference they had about us and some of the other psychiatrists said they thought it was a miracle that we’d been able to attach to anyone given all we’ve been through. dr. barry talked about decreasing our appointments from weekly to maybe every 10 days or two weeks. that sent us into a tail spin. we immediately felt like she was saying i’ve had enough, i want to get rid of you, i dont want to continue in this relationship. logically i know she wasnt ssaying that, but emotionally i am struggling with it. i need her. i need her more than she realises. i dont want to decrease the weekly appointments. it will be too hard to cope. dr. barry said that she realises that i find it hard to cope especially when she goes on holidays. she said that that has been the way for the last 2 and a half years, that every time she goes away the system goes into crisis and it takes weeks for us to stabilise again, and that we need to find a way of moving forward in our relationship. and she wondered how can we progress. she thought that i’d be mad and saying she didnt understand me or that we werent on the same page, but i wasnt. i didnt cry but the emotion was welling up in me. she said we need to talk more about this, and that its good that we are in hospital when these conversations are happening.
we talked about medication. she is starting me on prozac. i asked her about lamictal but she said she wouldnt use that for ptsd symptoms. the reason she wants to put me on prozac is because it has a longer half life, meaning if a dose is missed it stays in your system for longer. so i am starting that tonight. she is also going to prescribe me a prn of ativan i think. just to get me through the weekend. i’m happy about the new med regime. i’m willing to try it and see what happens. she said there is a possibility of having the prozac in a weekly depo form, a tablet, once a week. If thats the case it will be great. It will mean we wont have to worry about it every day.
the other thing we talked about was us being on our own and not being able to take care of ourselves. i told her that because of the dissociation and the levels of dissociation we keep forgetting to take meds, and when our mental health is really bad we dont take care of ourselves. we simply cant. she said maybe we need to consider living in a high support unit, but that the waiting list for such a place is long and we could be waiting months for that. she said we need to talk some more about it over the coming days. I know I said before I never wanted to give up my independence and go live somewhere but I think the time has come where I really have no other alternative. Things arent working out at home.
It was a good appointment. She has taken our memory stick and she is going to put the report on it, you know the report i said I’d post here? The one she did up for the police? I’ll have it later on today and I’ll be posting it with a password on it. She said she’d have my memory stick back to me by five.

Dr barry and me talk about med options

So yesterday during our dr. barry apt we spoke about meds. I told her I didnt find the lyrica helpful. That it was like taking candy. It isnt helping my anxiety any and thats what it was prescribed for. I asked her if I could switch meds. She said that the only options I have would be an SSRI or a low dose of another antipsychotic. I already take xeplion also known as invega in injectible form. She said maybe she would try sertraline again. I already tried that a few years back. I’m not sure its a good idea to go back on it. But I cant remember if it helped or not. I think it did for a short time. I asked about going on buspar for anxiety. But she said she thought it was taken off the irish market because people werent finding it helpful. She said she wouldnt prescribe any benzo drug for anxiety longterm. Not xanax or ativan. She said they dont help with ptsd symptoms. The evidence is there that SSRI drugs help, and lyrica, or else a low dose of an antipsychotic. We talked about the different antipsychotic drugs. I have been on a lot and had bad reactions to a lot of them. I am also allergic to some of them so I have to be careful. She said she’d go through my notes and see what we’ve tried and take it from there. We talked about abilify but that made me restless. We talked about serequel but I dont think I can take that because I think I am allergic to that one. Xyprexa made me gain a ton of weight and I also had bad side effects from it. She said she may try haldol. I took that when I was on the locked ward a couple of years ago and it didnt give me any bad side effects. So I guess we’ll just have to wait and see. When I go in we will probably try a few different meds. I take depokate for epilepsy but she said its also a mood stabiliser. But I havent been taking it consistently lately. I’ve been stockpiling it because I wanted to overdose on it. I told her about that too yesterday. She said it could be partly why my mood has plummeted. I had to tell her, it didnt seem right to lie about it. And I knew she’d understand. Its so hard to get the right combo of meds. We’ve always struggled with that.

Going into the hospital tomorrow

I just saw Dr. Barry. We talked about how we’ve been doing. She’s going to admit us to hospital for safety reasons. There is no bed right now but there will be one tomorrow so we’ll go in then.
Feeling apprehensive about going in. I know its probably necessary. We have been very suicidal and emotional and just very unstable. This is the best thing for us right now I guess.
She told me to take an extra lyrica tonight to help the anxiety. We talked a little about other med options but we arent sure yet where we’ll go with that.
Once we are in there she will switch our meds, she said we could go on another antipsychotic, or an SSRI, those are the only things that will combat the ptsd symptoms. She doesnt prescribe benzos longterm so ativan and xanax arent runners.
You’ll probably see me writing a lot while I am inpatient. It keeps me sane. I’ll probably write about all the fiascos on the ward. So tomorrow, wish me luck…

Appointments this morning

This morning I have a meeting with my OT Mark. We are meeting to discuss my plans about going back to school. The plan is that I will go back in may, however I am not sure I want to go back at all. It will be good to meet and discuss pros and cons of going or not going back. I’m sure it will be the first of many meetings. Mark is a pillar of sense so I know he wont lead me wrong. He was instramental in me starting back to school so I feel its only right that he should be the one who helps me determine whether I want to continue there or not. I also see dr. Barry this morning. I am looking forward to seeing her. I have plenty that I need to discuss with her. I’ll also get my xeplion injection from the nurse at dr. barrys clinic. The dr gave me the wrong dose again even though dr. Barry faxed him the correct info and dosage so I am just hoping the nurse has a spare injection that she can loan me until I can owe her one. She usually has one or two spare floating around. The appointments will probably take up the entire morning.