I am struggling so much right now. Last night was hell. Today wasnt much better.
I ended up having to see the duty doctor on call this morning. The anxiety was really bad and I was throwing up, my blood sugars were a mess, physically I was a mess, with dizziness, shortness of breath from hyperventalating, it was terrible.
The duty doctor was Zuliala, who just finished up on dr. Barrys team. So she knew me and my history which was really nice. She was great and I felt listened to by her. She said my anxiety is something we really need to work on controlling. I talked some to her about flashbacks but I didnt go into a lot of detail on that. She prescribed ativan 2 MG as a once off dose, but if it suits me she said maybe we could continue with the med.
I took it earlier and to be honest I havent noticed a difference in how I feel. Everythings still overwhelming. I still feel stressed and anxious. The med has had little effect on me. I thought I’d fall asleep after taking it but nooo. Not happening.
I went to a group this morning to try to take my jmind off my own stuff that was going on. The group was about self compassion and was run by a clinical psychologist. We talked about compassion, being kind to yourself, looking after yourself before you can look after others, etc. Then we watched a video on it too. At the end we did an exercise about self compassion, where we had to bring up a time or event where we had compassion for someone else either a human or an animal. We had to try to bring up all the feelings surrounding that event. I could barely concentrate on the group or the exercises. My eyes kept closing and my head kept thinking of other things. I tried though which is the main thing i guess.
My mom came to visit this afternoon. It was a bit of a surprise because I thought she wouldnt be coming until Friday. She brought me some clean laundry and a couple things like chips and chocolate and fruit. We talked for a long time. I tried to explain the ptsd to her. That didnt go too well. She asked me if I’d have it forever…my illness she meant. I told her that dr. Barry had said that I have a long standing chronic illness and I will probably have to battle with it forever or at least for the foreseeable future. She tried to tell me about a story she’d read of a girl with similar issues who was cured now. I said I thought that was probably a bogus story. I offered her that she might want to talk with Dr. Barry. Dr. Barry had asked me if my mom would like to meet with her and I said probably not but I’d ask. Today I asked and the answer I got was a no. I did my part. I cant do any more. If she wants to meet her she will but my moms in a little bit of denial.
So thats where things are at. I’m hanging in there. Three days in and things are still going well for the most part.

My rambling ramblings

I’m kinda bored. I’m still at mom and dads house. I’m gonna stay here until Friday. I always spend new year with them. My two aunts are coming over later this evening and we’re going to have drinks. I have some white wine. I probably shouldnt be drinking when I am taking the lyrica. But it doesnt seem to effect me. Its not like I am going to drink a ton of wine anyway just a little. I really need the distraction so I am glad they are coming over. I was meant to go to my friends for the evening but its pouring outside and I didnt want to risk it just in case I couldnt get a taxi back to moms. In the rain you could be waiting an hour for a taxi. So I told her I’d come on Friday afternoon. She lives near me and I’ll be on my way home so can drop in then. I’ve no plans for new years. I think it will just be a quiet night this year. First though I’ll see dr. Barry on wednesday. That I am looking forward to. I also need to get my xeplion injection. I am glad because I’ve been having a hard time. I think its worn off and that is why I am becoming so unstable. I always know when I need it because my symptoms always get worse. I have another week off of college. I dont go back until the fifth. I was looking at the calendar for next year today. Easter falls in March. I just wanted to find out when I’d next get some time off of college. It probably wont be until st. Patricks day. I’m starting a new book tonight. Its called a child called hope. Its another short story. I’ll do a review once I am done reading it. I’m also reading a long book by Casey Watson. Its called skin deep. So far I like it and think its really good. I seem to read more than I watch tv. I also like listening to podcasts. Especially tech related ones or mental health related ones. I learn a lot from listening to them. Well I’d better sign off and go make myself a cup of tea. Tea makes everything better after all.

Pharmacy fiasco

Who knew it was so hard to get meds! I sware its been one of those days. I’ve had a run around and got totally stressed but now its all good thank god for that! Its crazy all over town because of the holiday season, but anyway, I went today to collect my script for my lyrica. Anyway, the doctor only gave me one weeks worth of the tablet. I thought he should have given me a months worth, I thought Dr. Barry faxed a prescription for a months supply. So first I was mad and frustrated and annoyed because I thought he was just doing this giving me a weeks supply because of me being suicidal in the past and taking overdoses. So I rang the pharmacy to check if the prescription was for a month, she said no it was only a weeks supply. So then I rang the doctor and spoke with him. He said dr. Barry only said to give me the med for a week. Then I was like, why would she do that? But then it hit me. I’ll be seeing her next wednesday, I figured she wants to see if lyrica will suit me before going ahead and giving a whole months worth of the med. The doctor said if I feel its suiting me to ring in on Tuesday of next week and he’ll write me up for more and I can collect it on Wednesday. So far it seems to be going fine, and it is suiting me. I took one dose and am going to take another at 6 tonight. I’m taking it 3 times a day 50 mg doses. I wish dr. Barry would have told me that those were her plans though. I kinda lost it on the doctor and he told me that dr. Barry had been very clear in her fax that I was only to be given a weeks supply. What a run around though all for a new med.

Last night kinda sucked

i had a pretty hard night. i went to bed around 10, and watched some tv on my phone. i was feeling anxious and hadnt yet collected my lyrica so havent yet started it. mom is going to pick it up today for me. i also need to get my injection, and i owe the pharmacy an injection for last month too. anyway. my tv provider has an ap now and i can watch tv on the go. i like that you can do that. most of the channels are available on the ap. last night in bed i watched monsters inside of me. has anyone ever seen that show? it was good but kinda freaked me out. there were two stories on there one about a man who contracted west nile virus, and the other about a man who had some sorta parasite inside of him eating away at his liver and intestines. when i got done watching that i decided to watch law and order svu. i wanted to watch a crime show called britains darkest taboos but that channel wouldnt load for me. eventually i went to sleep, of course i let nitro climb on the bed and snuggle with me. he loves being able to come on the bed and he curls up and crashes. it ended up that i woke at 2 AM and couldnt go back to sleep. i’m not sure what woke me, possibly a dream of some sort but i dont really remember. i ended up playing games on my phone, I played dice world. i like that game because you can play six different games in the one game. my favourites are pig, farkle, and 3’s. after i finished playing i checked email for a while and then tried to fall back asleep. eventually i did but it was broken sleep. mom got up around 7 because today is her grocery shopping day. after she got up i decided to get up too because I was hungry. so i ate a bowl of frosties and drank some tea and just spent time with mom talking to her about last minute things I had to do for christmas. then i saw to nitro and fed him and let him out and now we’re back in my bedroom catching up on blogs and drinking more tea. i need to ring the doctors surgery soon and make sure the meds moms picking up are ready. i know the injections are ready but i’m not sure about the lyrica. i really hope its ready. dr. Barry faxed it down on Monday but yesterday when I rang the receptionist wasnt sure if the fax came in or not. they are kinda bad in the surgery. they dont seem to know what one another is doing from one minute to the next. 2 more sleeps till christmas and presents! Cant wait!

Dr Barry and the going back on meds conversation

So yesterday I saw dr. Barry. And we decided that I would go back on medication for my anxiety relating to the ptsd. The conversation went something like this.
Dr. Barry: Have you thought any more about trying lyrica?
Me: Um, yeah, sorta.
Dr. Barry: So do you want to?
Me: Part of me does, and part of me screams no. I see it as a failure, as having to resort to this because I cant find another alternative. I dont like it.
Dr Barry: But Carol anne, its temporary. I see it as just a temporary option.
Me: Oh, really? So if it gets better I can come off the lyrica again?
Dr. Barry: Of course you can. In the new year if you are feeling better I’ll take you off of it again. We will constantly be reviewing it. I’m not going to keep you on it forever.
Me: Thank god! Does it make you drowsy?
Dr. Barry: Some people have a hang over effect in the mornnings, others dont.
Me: I hope I am not one of the unlucky ones I dont want that!
Dr. Barry: Well I’ll start you at 50 MG three times a day. We can see how you do on that dose.
Me: Reluctantly, ok, I will try it. I suppose taking meds for the anxiety is not the end of the world.
Dr Barry: No Carol anne, its not. And, its admirable that you’ve spent almost the entire last year on hardly any meds at all. This is just temporary, remember that.

I am hanging on to her words “this is temporary” as I start with the lyrica. And I am so happy dr. Barry doesnt shove meds at you and say take them and thats that.
Carol anne

Anxiety sucks

I feel so anxious this morning. It just came on all of a sudden. I dont really feel like myself at all. Feel kinda in a fog and very dissociative. Trying to focus on getting my project finished and printed out. Will be seeing Dr. Barry today at 12:30, that will be good I think. At least I’ll be able to talk things over with her. She already said if my anxiety wasnt any better she’d start me on lyrica. I’m annoyed that it has come to this. I’d rather to not have to rely on medications. Aw well such is life, sometimes you just have to do what you have to do to get by.