good morning gys. i slept a total of 2 hours. yep you got it. 2 hours of sleep but at least the 2 hours was uninterrupted. that was nice. i wish i’d slept a little more, but nitro really needed to go out so he woke me up. i didnt mind really. his going out is important, otherwise he’ll make a mess on my floor. granted he’s never done that, he is a good dog he always lets me know he needs to go out. i got up and let him out, then made tea. i have to have tea or coffee in the morning, its a habit. it wakes me up. my pa kristen is going to be here in an hour. she will take me to see karen O my nutritionist. weigh in today guys. i’m nervous. i hope I’m down at least a little bit. i should be as I’ve been really good. if I am not I’ll be so disappointed. I also have to get my injection. sarah my CPN is going to gve it to me. I should have gotten it yesterday but I forgot it when I was leaving the house. I also have to go to moms and drop off some things, dog food for when I go on respite next week. and my nephews coat which she left at my house. and my bank card because mom is going to go in and change a standing order for me to do with my rent. so yeah have a lot to do this morning. then we’ll come back to my house and clean, and my pa will be making a pasta dish for me to portion out and freeze. the dish will have ground beef, peppers, bacon, and a creamy tomato and mushroom sauce. I’ve never had the sauce before so I hope its nice. we shall see. I should have bought mushrooms to go in it too but I didnt think of them when I was at the store. The weather this morning is crappy. Its dry right now but I know we’ll have rain later. Its supposed to be really wet today, and if yesterday was anything to go buy it’ll be awful. The winter is truly here.
i went to our session with dr. barry today. it was good. we were late getting to the clinic because we couldnt get a taxi. the weather today is crappy so thats why. its pouring outside. the taxi driver was really nice. he walked us in to the reception.
we didnt have to wait long to see dr. barry. there was one person before us. then she came and got us. i held her arm as we walked in, she was waring a watch, i could feel it. it felt good holding her arm, i felt connected to her. i wasnt wearing a coat, because we couldnt find our coat before we left this morning. she noticed. she said she wouldnt make a big deal of it today. i liked that she noticed though.
she had a med student with her today but she sent them out of the room when we came in. i asked her why she sent them out and she said she thought we’d prefer it that way. she’s right, i did prefer not to have the student in the room. i would have felt uncomfortable if they were in there when i was talking to her.
we had a lot to talk about. i told her about therapy on monday. it felt good to tell her about how i was feeling both during and after our session. she listened, she said probably the reason i felt so bad after therapy on monday night was because i hadnt internalised what eileen said to me. sometimes i find it hard to internalise the things sh e says. i am learning how to do that but it isnt easy. she said it was good that i used my blog as an outlet for support. and it was good that the people who read my blog were able to remind me that eileen does care about me and she does love me.
we talked about our meeting with sarah last week. i told her it went well. she was happy to hear that. i told her we’d met in her office which made us feel more comfortable. i was meant to get our injection today but we forgot to bring it with us. we’re going to respite next week so we asked her if sarah could give the injection to us tomorrow. we’ll be going up there to meet karen our nutritionist tomorrow. she went and asked sarah if that would be ok, if she could give us our injection tomorrow, and sh e said she could. so we’ll meet her after meeting karen in the morning.
we talked to dr. barry about the privacy issue which came up last week, remember about the guy at the basement club who was reading over our shoulder. she said obviously he didnt realise that it was an inappropriate thing to be doing. she said she hoped denise the co-ordinator would set him straight, tell him it was totally inappropriate for him to be doing that. we havent talked to denise yet as we havent been in to the basement club this week.
we set up another appointment for two weeks time. we will miss not seeing dr. barry next week, but it would cost too much money to get a taxi and go see her. we can go two weeks i think without seeing her. we will see both eileen and sarah next week so that we will still have support. i’m glad about that.
just got home from seeing dr barry. i also said goodbye to karen, but i’ll write about that in a separate post when I’ve processed it a little bit. anyway back to seeing dr barry. i told her that emily was suicidal. she’s 12 and she is one of the insiders who gets really suicidal. last night i found a pile of meds, she’d been stockpiling them. i talked with her, and she said she wanted to kill herself because karen was leaving. i knew that there was more to it than just karen leaving. so i tried talking to her about it. i didnt get very far though. she shut down on me. she did say that she felt like everyone she cares about will just leave. and that it happened a lot already and so she thinks it will just keep happening. i tried to comfort her but I couldnt really say much. i was so upset about karen leaving as well. karen leaving was the catalyst for deeper issues. abandonment issues. deep sadness about the past. grieving for what we never got in childhood. so now we are dealing with a 12 year old whose severely suicidal. and who has plans. dr. barry said that its not about the suicidal thinking, its about the distress and we need to deal with the distress to combat the suicidal thinking. she said it must be so frustrating for me to keep hitting these walls every couple of months and she admitted she was frustrated too. i told her i was hoping she’d have the magic answer today and to hear her say she was frustrated was really hard for me. i dont want her to feel frustrated. she said it is something to keep working on in therapy. i told her eileen is doing all she can to get more communication going. dr. barry said that everyone in the system needs to come on board, that it cant be just me and liz doing all the work. i do agree but its so hard to get the younger parts to hear things and co-operate. after talking about the suicidal thinking we talked about sleep. i asked her about the prozac and sleeplessness. i told her my friend had showed me some stats that said 12 to 16 percent of people on prozac experienced sleeplessness and anxiety. she said i take mine in the morning so that wouldnt really be an issue. she also said that as long as she’s known me sleep has been an issue. that my sleep problems are chronc and in order to fix them i’d need to try to get a really good sleep hygiene routine going. she told me that i should turn off all electronics 45 mins to an hour before going to bed, that if i need them later during the night that was ok, but to go to sleep your brain needs to be activated into the sleep mode, you need to do things to wind down. she told me to try doing 3 things to wind down by night, so i said i’d make a hot drink maybe hot chocolate or hot milk, i’d do some deep breathing and relaxation maybe watch a relaxation video or listen to one of my rain sound cd’s or even the recordings eileen has made us. and i said i’d put some lavender essential oil on my pillow to try to help me as well. she said i should also take halcian and haldol combined for the next two weeks at night. so i’ll be taking 0.5 mg of halcian and 5 mg of haldol to help me get my sleep patterns back on track. i really really hope it works. she said if i am tired i wont be able to concentrate and my ability to recall things and remember things will be impaired. i’ll be irritable, and moody, and non functional. i know all this and am going crazy trying to get things under control, so hopefully these meds and my new sleep hygiene routine is going to make all the difference. she did tell me too that now more than ever this reassessment we werethinking about getting done from the pottergate centre for dissociation and trauma needs to happen. i agree. she needs some guidance going forward about my treatment. especially now that she says the bumps we’re coming up against with the blocks and suicidal thinking and stuff hampering things and the distress being the issue but the suicidal thoughts blocking us from dealing with it. so yeah. good appointment but intense.
i may have found what causes my sleeplessness. a blogger friend said prozac can cause sleeplessness. i am on the highest dose of prozac, i take 60 mg of it. dr. barry never mentioned it could cause sleeplessness. i’ve been on it for a while now. it is working in other ways. it helps my depression. it helps my ptsd symptoms. but man, if it causes sleeplessness, i am not sure i want to continue taking it. i will definitely be talking to dr. barry about this on wednesday. maybe she has never heard of it doing that? i dont know. she’s pretty clued in about meds. she is what i would term a great prescribing practisioner. seriously though if its not non 24 sleep disorder that i have, and it may still be, who knows, then why am i able to stay awake for a full day? without much tiredness creeping in? i am not bipolar so its nothing to do with manicness. definitely gonna discuss this with her on wednesday!
besides my appointments today i had a pretty busy day. when i finished with dr. barry i rang mom and she said she was already at my house. my sister had dropped her there on her way to work. she got called into work to do relief and so she had to drop my mom off early. so i got the taxi home and then i sat chatting to mom for a while. she made me lunch. despite not losing any weight this week i still ate healthily. i had a turkey sandwich for lunch. mom ironed some of my clothes for going on vacation this weekend. she also put on some laundry for me. and did dishes. i wanted to recycle some clothes and donate them to charity. i had a couple of shirts that no longer fit me so i asked mom if she’d take them to the charity shop and she said she would. mom stayed at my house for 3 hours. when she left i was tired so i ended up laying down for a little while. i didnt sleep though. i just read my book. my home help came at 4. she helped me cook dinner. i had sweet potato fries and chicken wings for dinner. the wings were really spicy. i enjoyed them. when my home help left i layed on the couch watching tv. i put the kids horse blanket over me. its so fluffy and soft that i actually dozed off while i was under it. i slept for an hour or so. i woke up feeling refreshed. i’ve been online and watching tv for the rest of the evening. i watched long lost families, and law and order SVU, and I’m about to start watching I survived. I’ve already taken my night meds. I’m debating whether I should pick up the emergency prescription dr. barry gave me or whether i should just not take it. i dont have to take it. i could always take a couple of haldol with me on vacation this weekend in case of emergency. i should sleep ok on vacation though. i cant imagine i’ll have trouble sleeping. i’ll have my mom and sister in the apartment with me so i wont be alone. plus i’ll probably drink some alcohol so that will put me to sleep as well. my pa kristen will be here tomorrow morning at 8:30 AM. we have to clean the house. i dont have anything else that i really need to do. i’m going to ask her to drop me to mom and dads when we are finished. i’ll be there then until monday. well i wont be there i’ll be on vacation. i cant wait for vacation. i hope the weather is going to hold out for us. it said rain but hopefully they got it wrong. hopefully it will stay dry and we can go to the beach.
ok so my mom is really awesome, even though she said I was a whiner a little bit ago. she just did something lovely for me. i told her my back really hurts, and after giving me a painkiller she asked me if I’d like a hot water bottle to put on my back to ease the pain and so i said yes to that and she went and made me one. then she brought me extra pillows so now i am sitting up on the bed with two pillows at my back and a hot water bottle too. the heat is really helping my muscles to relax and i am hoping they will be less tensed up with the hot water bottle surrounding that area. mom said that if its not gone by monday that i should take the vivamo i have at home, they were from the last visit to my gp, he gave me vivamo to take the inflamation down and i have about 5 left so can take those. i am going away next weekend to killarney in co. kerry and i dont want this to be an issue during my trip or it will be spoiled. so i will do all i can to get rid of this pain before then.
my back is really sore and painful today. i think i’ve pulled it. probably from all the exercising i’ve been doing. when i bend forward it hurts. when i am sitting if i sit a certain way or try to straighten out my legs too far it hurts. getting out of bed hurts too. its a sort of shooting pain. not pleasant. i’ve taken a strong pain killer for the pain. hopefully that will work. i hope it doesnt make me go to sleep. i was going to drink a cup of coffee to make sure i didnt fall asleep but mom said that it probably wouldnt be a good idea to drink coffee and take painkillers as well. so i’m having tea instead. the pain has been there for 3 days, but i ignored it until today. its my lower back thats effected. i’m hoping its just a muscular thing and it will come right on its own given a day or two resting. i am not good with pain, i dont tolerate it well. i’d never be a good chronic pain patient. i’m just a very bad patient. my mom says i am a moan and a whiner. i’m like thanks very much i love you too. lol. i’m just gonna try to ignore it and do other stuff for the evening and hope it settles down soon.