She called me! I wasnt expecting a call from her at all! I had postponed my apt, or I was thinking it would be postponed, when I said I didnt wanna go up to the clinic due to the coronavirus outbreak. But she called me! I didnt recognise her voice when she called, and she was like, hi carol anne? And I was like, whose this? I was surprised someone was calling me who knew my name! Then of course she’s like its me Dr. Barry, and I went, oh! Hi! Thanks for calling me! It was such a nice thing! So good to chat to her! She said they are doing most appointments via phone for now at least, but they may move to using zoom later on in the month, they are awaiting the technology from their employer. If they start using zoom, that will be 3 things that I am doing that are now using it. Therapy, slimming world, and dr. barry. Good thing I learned how to use it! We talked about working from home, and she encouraged me to do my work from just one room in my house, and then to have some wind down time afterwords, which I was doing anyway. She said its important for me to take care of me during all this, do a lot of self care stuff. I am taking next week off from working, as I’ve worked every day for the last 2 weeks, and its taxing, and overwhelming to listen to people being so anxious and upset and depressed. It doesnt make me feel any less anxious or fearful thats for sure. So I’ll take a week off next week, and Dr. Barry encouraged me to do that. We talked about the social worker contacting me, which happened recently. She’s helping me to try to get more PA hours. She’s a new social worker, so I dont know her and I told Dr. Barry I wasnt very open with her since I didnt know her. Dr. Barry told me she’d explained to her about me having did, and she told me to trust her, and that the new social worker is very thorough, and she did seem that way when I spoke to her last week. We talked a little about therapy, and about meds, and about my plans now for traveling. That was most of the appointment, she said she’d make another appointment for me for 2 weeks time, and that she’d phone me again, which I am so glad about. Its a bit weird not seeing her face to face. Even she said the same thing, she said its very weird doing it over the phone. Its actually the first time me and Dr. Barry have spoken on the phone. I’m just so touched that she decided not to postpone my appointment, and that she took it upon herself to call me, even though I’d said I’d be ok with postponing, I made that decision in a rush, and was sorry after I’d made it, but now I still had my appointment, which is great.
My apt today with dr. barry was good. We discussed a lot. I was pleased with how it went. She never rushes me, today she spent at least a whole hour with me.
we talked about therapy, about the anger parts had been feeling. I also talked to her about my dad, about how he makes me feel, I dont usually discuss that at all, and in the past 2 weeks I’ve spoken to both eileen and dr. barry about it. Thats progress I’d say.
we talked about my sleep, and she told me to continue taking the fenergan if I am continuing to have bad sleep, I told her I’d slept good for the past few nights. But I know it wont last. It never does. She said the thing to do is to nip it in the bud when it starts, so, when I start sleeping badly, I need to start taking the fenergan right away for 5 to 7 nights in a row. Easier said than done, if you have things to do the next day then you cant take it, well I could, but I wont because I dont want to feel that awful grogginess that the fenergan brings on.
we talked about work, and I told her I am working from home now. She said she thinks it will only be a matter of time before we’re all told to self isolate and if that happens her clinics will obviously be effected. And we dont know for how long it will continue for once it is put in motion.
i asked her if she’d researched the med options and she said no. She said she’d been very busy and she hadnt had time. She apologised and said she’d do it this Friday since she’s had to cancel some family meetings. So she’ll have some time to sit down and read up on the different medications and on which ones we can try or should try for the PTSD.
I dont see her again now until the 25th of the month, that is if we arent all in quaranteen by then. We made another appointment for then and I hope we can keep it. I was pleased though with the way todays apt went. I came out of there feeling great. I felt validated and heard.
So the corona virus hasnt shut everything down yet thank god!
I thought Dr. Barry may not have her outpatient clinic tomorrow. But she is going ahead with it. So I will get to see her yay!
I talked with her secretary this morning and she confirmed it for me. I was so relieved! 3 weeks now since I’ve seen her, I am feeling like I really need to see her!
We have a lot to discuss, but mainly we need to discuss med options. So we’ll definitely be talking over what to do about my increased anxiety, dissociation, lack of sleep etc.
I know she’ll have good advice for me, she always does. I love how we can be so honest with one another, really real, you know?
Anyway I am just so relieved I will have my appointment tomorrow. Its a huge weight off my mind. I am so thankful for Dr. Barry.
I am up and I am super anxious.
God I hate anxiety!
I actually went to bed early last night. I was feeling really edgy and I just felt bad so I took myself off to bed at 8:30.
I slept a little but I kept waking with nightmares. I kept trying to get back to sleep but eventually at 2 AM I gave up and I got back up again.
Now I’m just feeling so blah. Its just the pits, the anxiety is making me crazy. I could try a fenergan to try to make me go back to sleep but I have things to do today and I’d be very groggy from it so I refuse to take it. If I didnt have stuff to do I probably would but I cant because I have work later on this morning and I need to be able to function for that.
Maybe I’ll go get in the shower, the shower seems to soothe me.
Even nitro is fast asleep. I think he’s saying to me, mom, what are you doing up? Go back to bed and go back to sleep, he’s protesting hahaha.
I doubt I will go back to bed. I think I’ll start a new book. I finished the latest cathy glass one. It was so good. I love her books. Now I am going to start reading the hannah swensen series by Joanne fluke. I’ve never tried a murder mystery before but apparently these are really good. I hope I can get into them because there is about 26 books in the series so far so if I can it will be nice.
So I saw Dr. Barry yesterday. We had a really great appointment. I hadnt talked to her in six weeks! I didnt realise it had been that long since I was out during our appointments! I mean not out in the body, but out in the appointment with dr. barry!
We talked about how dissociative we’ve been lately. How we’ve been really switchy and very off. Very very dissociative during the day and at night, and its actually getting to a point where it feels unmanageable and unsafe to me.
Dr. Barry was wondering what has us so off? She wondered if it was the recent contact from our abuser, I said I wasnt sure if that was why we were so dissociative, but I told her how We’ve been unable to stay grounded and in the present lately, and we’ve been working in therapy with Eileen on keeping the adult alters in the present.
That hasnt been going well for us. The adults in our system arent really able to stay focused enough to be out for long periods and stay out in the body when we’re at home. Its tough because most of the time I dont know what we’ve been doing and most of the day when I am unable to be out I dont know what has been going on when I am not out!
So Dr. barry said she wanted to try upping our clonadine, to deal with our anxiety, because she said if we get our anxiety levels down, the dissociative stuff may lessen. But she didnt up it this week. She wants to do some more reading up on the med and its uses, especially its uses in treating ptsd. She also wanted to look through our chart and see what other meds she’d thought of trying because she said we do have options and we should look into all of them before adjusting the medication.
So thats what we’re going to try, and in the meantime she told me to keep taking the fenergan for sleep because I told her we arent sleeping too good still. She said keep using all of our coping techniques that Eileen has taught us, and she encouraged us to use our blog to get support. She knows how much our blog means to us and how supportive all of our readers are and how helpful we find that in our healing.
well i gots a secret
except now its out
i telled dr. barry today
i couldnt keep it to myself any longer
so it is this
i been stockpiling meds
cuz i was going to kill myself
and i was saving up tablets to do it
i was saving a few each week from our weekly script
and now i have a ton of them
i talked a lot with dr barry this morning
she said its good to talk
and she encouraged me to keep talkin
cuz she said if i dont
everything will build and build up inside of me
and that wont be good
so she telled me to get liz
and she asked liz to get rid of the meds safely
dispose of them i mean
so liz will do it for me
so i wont do something
cuz when we had contact from our abusers
they told us
that we are bad and horrible and dirty
and that no one likes us
and we’d be better off if we died
cuz we’re no use to anyone
so that why then i wanted to end it
cuz it is makin me depressed
and sad and feel so alone
so i just felt i needed to do it
dont hate me guys
please dont hate me
cuz i was honest
and i told dr. barry
and she wasnt even mad at me
she was kind, very kind and caring
and it makes me love her even more
cuz how does she like me
how does she still like me
i dont know
but im glad i telled her
cuz now its out
and now i am going to tell eileen too
i texted her a few minutes ago
and i ask her if she can talk this evening
and if we do
i’ll tell her then
i wont wait until tomorrow cuz i know its important
and she needs to know
emily age 12
i’m super anxious. i can feel it building. its building up slowly. i am trying to distract. i’ve just taken my night meds, so I hope that might help. there is a clonadine in there, which is supposed to help with the anxious feelings. i took the meds early, because I thought I would sleep. I am very tired. But now I am too wound up to sleep. I feel too wired. So I doubt I will get much sleep. I could take some fenergan to help me sleep, but the down side to that is it makes me very very groggy. and i hate the grogginess. so i dont want to chance it. if i dont sleep tonight, i’ll probably give in and take it tomorrow night. i hate feeling so out of it though. its a horrible feeling to feel like you cant function. it even makes me slur my speech which i hate. so i’ll persevere and hope i get even a little sleep. some is better than none, right? i just had to let nitro outside, my friend sarah told me to breathe in the fresh air, so when I let nitro out, I stood outside and I breathed in the fresh night air which was very cool. It felt good. It was nice. And it did calm me a little. Although I was scared to be outside with nitro. I was in my front garden, but right now its only 8:20 PM here.
I just hope I’m not in for a hard night, I think its wishful thinking on my part though. My hunch is I am definitely in for a night of mental distress. Ug sigh.