This weeks dr. Barry appointment was awesome!

Well it was, when I finally got in to see her! I had a looong wait before I saw her! Like 2 hours of a wait! While I waited I played on my phone. Then a junior doctor came and called me, I almost freaked out! I am totally not used to junior doctors having anything to do with me! I told him I was waiting to see dr. barry. He was ok with it, said oh, and went back in to the office with my file. Finally dr. barry came to get me!
She told me the reason for the long wait was that they are down 2 doctors, some of the junior doctors who were meant to be coming on her team in July dropped out, so now they have to advertise the jobs and that will take a while! So it might be september before things go back to normal and they have the correct quota of doctors on the team again!
I asked her first about next week, about seeing her since Eileen is on holidays. She said that she wouldnt be able to see me, only because the clinic was already so full but that she would ask Sarah the community psychiatric nurse who worked with me before to do a phone check in with me. I said I was ok with that. I dont mind as long as someone checks in. I know sarah, she is very nice, so it will be fine. I will see Dr. barry the following week as normal.
Then I told her about the depression. And about our sleep issues. She asked me about meds, was I taking them as prescribed. I didnt lie, I told her I was trying to, but sometimes when I dissociate I forget. I told her I might be missing 2 or 3 doses in a week. But that I have reminders set, and I am trying my hardest to remember them.
She said she’d increase my prozac to 40 mg. And she gave me more haldol too. Another weeks supply of it. It does help me when I take it. I dont take the haldol every night, just when I have to, when things get really bad with my sleep. I already handed my prescription in to the pharmacy. They’ll deliver it on Friday. She only gave me a two week supply of the prozac, she said she’d renew it the next time I see her.
Those were the main things we discussed. It wasnt a long appointment this time, as there was a lot of people waiting to be seen, I didnt mind as I discussed the important things with her. Taylor wanted to talk to her, but I said no not this time. Things were too busy and I said if they calm down by the next time we see her that I will let her talk to her then.

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no sign

well there is no sign of sleep coming tonight!
i took my night meds ages ago, hours ago actually.
still nothing!
its beginning to annoy me, i want a good nights sleep, i want to be normal, go to sleep at normal times.
Instead I got hungry, so went and made a pizza, which now I regret having.
Ug sigh! I just cant win!

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The morning from hell

yesterday I had the morning from hell. My PA amanda never showed up. Its totally unlike her to do that. Apparently she’s out sick still, but the office didnt know that.

I’d been trying to reach her unsuccessfully. So at 9:30 I rang the office. I had grocery shopping to do, so I needed someone to come over.

They did find someone for me, her name was katie, I didnt know her, had never met her, but I had no choice, she had to do it if I wanted my shopping done.

Anyway it turned out she was nice, I liked her. And I did get everything that I needed to do done.

It was stressful though. Very stressful. And it totally wiped me out.

In the end after katie left, I took a haldol and went to bed. I was too upset and stressed to go into work.

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Closing down the memories

Today in therapy was spent just chit chatting. We didnt do any intense work. Eileen said it would be better if we didnt. I actually had some time to talk to her for the first time in weeks. That felt so good. I was glad I had some time, as I needed to tell her about the new meds I am now on. She was kinda floored when I told her I am now taking prozac. I hadnt told her that before. She was like, did you not think it would be something I needed to know? I said yes, of course I did, but I havent been out and around, I havent really been talking to you lately. She said she understood that. So we talked about meds, and she wrote down which ones I am now on. Then we did some EMDR, where we did an exercise to shut down the memories, it was hard, but I managed to do it. I thought of them as windows, and I thought of myself closing all of them, Eileen said we needed a break. She said since she’s not there next monday that we could have a break, as its summer now. We are having a session next week, on Wednesday. But I think it will be more of the same, more light chit chat. Thats ok with me. We talked about gratitude, and she asked me what I value in my life. That was an interesting exercise. Its not often we talk about things that I am grateful for. So it was so nice to be able to just do that. Then I told her about my results in college. A beautiful thing happened after I told her. She hugged me and said, I am so proud of you. She said, you have the extra challenge of not being able to see, yet you thrive, you are intelligent, you learn and you love learning, and you are doing so well. I felt like I was on air. It was so nice to hear her say, I am so proud of you. It felt warm and safe, sootheing, and comforting. So that was basically the session in a nutshell. As I said we dont have another one until next wednesday. Eileen is at an EMDR conference next week on Monday and Tuesday. I asked her where it was but she wouldnt tell me, although she did say its not in cork, I am not sure why she wouldnt tell me where it was, but she said I didnt need to worry about that. So I let it go. I’ll try not to worry, I know she’ll be ok, and she’ll be learning a ton of good stuff that she can share with us when she returns.

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I slept well again, yay!

I slept well again last night! I think the meds are working! I take haldol now at night, along with prazosin, and epilim and keppra, and meds for diabetes, which I dont have but my doctor refuses to let me come off of them!
I think the prazosin and haldol are helping me sleep much better! After two nights of taking them I am feeling the difference already! I love it! It doesnt take me long to fall asleep once I take them! I read my book last night for an hour, then I settled in and was able to fall asleep quickly!
I slept from around midnight until 6:30 AM! Unheard of for me mostly!
So now I am well rested! And I am feeling good! My mood is a little brighter too!
Its raining here, raining hard. I was going to go to my friends house today in the afternoon but now I’m thinking I wont go. My mom is coming home from her camping trip today, this afternoon.
I think I will just spend another day relaxing, and enjoy the rest of my weekend, before another busy week ahead.

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Cat nap

Well I lay down at around 6 this evening. I thought I wont sleep, but I ended up napping, and only when my friend Denise texted me with our result did I wake up. She wanted me to call her, so I did. That woke me up but that was after a 3 hour nap. So now I am wide awake, and its late, I took my meds, my night meds, I am hoping I might go back to sleep soon.
I will try for sleep anyway. If I cant or don’t, it wont be the end of the world. I can lay around tomorrow, I don’t have to be anywhere tomorrow. All I will be doing is reading and relaxing.

My apt with dr. barry for this past week

I had an amazing apt with dr. barry yesterday. I got there and I was expecting to be waiting about an hour to see her. but within 5 mins of getting there she came out to get me. She said she’s reorganised the clinic, so that people have not got a long wait time, she said she doesnt know how long she can make it work, but for now its working so that is good.
We went in to her office and I told her how depressed I’ve been. We talked about my mood and about this week being the summer solstace. I told her Eileen had offered to check in with us as much as we need to this week as she knows we’ve been struggling so much. Dr. Barry said that was a good thing.
She decided to put me on haldol longterm. 5 MG at night. She said she’d also increase my prazosin, I am on 3 MG at the moment, she said she needs to do some more reading up on it before we increase it, so for now I am to stay on 3 MG for another month. She thinks the prazosin will help my ptsd longterm, it has been helpful, so I am hoping it will lessen my nightmares.
We’re also going to increase my prozac next month from 20 MG to 40 MG.
Basically the majority of our conversation was about meds. I did tell her that I wouldnt be taking up the employment initiative that the national council for the blind was doing, I said I had a change of heart about it since there was no guarantee of a work placement at the end of it. This means that I can now see her again in the mornings, which is going to be better as usually by the late afternoon I’m exhausted.
We scheduled another apt for two weeks time. I really hope putting me on haldol is going to be helpful. I’m already on one antipsychotic, trevicta, which is a 3 monthly shot, so adding another one was risky, but she said since I’ve been on it before she was ok with prescribing it for me.
She gave me an emergency prescription and its being delivered to me tomorrow so I can take the meds over the weekend and see how I go with being on them.
Wish me luck!

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