I achieved most of my goals today. the one i didnt achieve though was getting out of the house.
I need to work more on that. Work on actually doing it and not just backing out at the first sign of a low mood.
I ate healthily though all day. We had a lovely chicken curry for dinner with brown rice. My dad made it. It was so delicious.
I managed to read, and get in a nap. I also managed to do one self care thing, I took a bath. I went to my parents for the night, and they have a bath, so I was able to take a nice long hot bath.
I exercised for 30 mins. Exercise is getting easier.
I’m proud of myself for achieving most of the goals on my list.
I’m slipping again. My mood is sliding. I was meant to go out this morning to the basement clug. I didnt go.
I couldnt face going. So I stayed in bed instead.
I know, i should have pushed myself to go. Its not like i was tired, or needed extra sleep. I went to bed at 10 last night.
And I got a decent nights sleep. And its not like I didnt wake early. I woke at 7:40.
I just, well I am not sure, I know I felt low, and bla, and like I couldnt face people.
I felt like I just couldnt go around and smile and be happy, because deep down I dont feel it today.
Ug depression bloody sucks.
GAWD GUYS, I FEEL, LIKE, SHIT!
I WANNA RIP OFF MY ENTIRE SKIN! I CANT STAND IT!
THE ANXIETYS REALLY AND I MEAN REALLY FUCKING BAD RIGHT NOW!NOT SURE WHY, NO CLUE, JUST, JUST THAT ITS FUCKING PURE HELL.
AND I CANT TAKE IT NOT FOR ANOTHER MINUTE!
I’M ALL OUT OF OPTIONS FOR COPING SKILLS, I’VE TRIED THEM ALL!
UG UG UG THIS FUCKING BLOWS!
so i woke up in a grumpy mood. i only went to bed around 3 AM. i didnt sleep too good. i tossed and turned and woke up a lot.
eventually i got up at around 6. had a shower and was debating whether i’d go to my dr. barry apt this morning. eventually i decided i wouldnt. i’d skip out on it.
i’m going to call them in a little bit to reschedule it. i rarely do this. i just feel too grumpy to be waiting around in the clinic. i could have to wait around for up to 2 hours. i’m not up for that.
Im sure dr. barry will wonder why I skipped my apt. She knows if I ever do this that there is usually a very good reason.
So it is gonna be a chill out day today. May have a nap this afternoon if I get too tired.
Its 4:30 AM. I woke up half an hour ago. I got a few hours of sleep so that is good. Like I think I got maybe 5 hours of sleep.
I’ve been on audible browsing around. I bought a book by one of my favourite foster carers maggie hartley. i preordered it. its not out until september.
today we are going to the gym, i cant wait. its been a while since we went. i’m going to do the treadmill and the bike. maybe the eliptical if i feel brave lol.
we had no cooking this week. we were too busy trying to finish other modules. and get them handed up.
i feel kinda off. i cant put my finger on it but i just feel bla.a sorta dont care attitude. depressed maybe?
so the last couple of days have been sort of ok i guess.
i am still depressed but trying to manage it as best as i can.
eileen says now that our dissociative walls are coming down a little more, that things effect us more, for example pixie’s low mood lately is now effecting both me and liz.
i think she’s right. i hadnt thought of that though.
i’ve had the week off from the ILS course. but i sorta wish i didnt. i’d have prefered to be busy. it keeps my mind from wandering into awful places.
yesterday was therapy day. therapy was very intense. but good. we mostly talked about our mood, and we decided for now we are going to back up a little and not work on memories so much because they were starting to overwhelm us.
we stayed in our mom and dads house last night. we went there yesterday after therapy and spent the day there and had dinner with them and then decided last night to spend the night.
other than that its been a pretty quiet few days.
has set in. I just feel so defeated.
I really cant deal. I am so overwhelmed. I really cant wait until tomorrow to see dr. barry. I need the apt. I need to talk this out. If I can, that is.
I am also seeing my OT mark tomorrow morning. I used to see him once a month. but since I started the ILS course we don’t see each other much. But he’s always only a phone call away.
Tomorrow will be our first apt in a while. Its just a general catch up.
I just feel so blah tonight. Everything feels like its going in slow motion. I feel very sluggish and slowed down. I don’t feel like doing anything. I need to shower for tomorrow. I put the hot water on but I don’t feel like getting in the shower. I just want to curl up and hide.
I will shower later on because I know its the right things to do so I don’t smell bad. I don’t want to go to see dr. barry and smell bad and look dirty because I didn’t shower.
I’m just on a bit of a downward spiral. And I cant seem to pull myself out of it.
so much for having a week off. If I knew it was going to be this bad I wouldn’t have wanted a week off. I hate when my mood is so bad. It is just so all consuming.
I decided on Thursday I will go to the basement club. I haven gone there since I started on the ILS course. They will think I don’t want to come in any more. Truth is though I haven’t had time. I haven’t had any time off to just go there and call in to see everyone. I am looking forward to doing tha tthis Thursday and possibly Friday too.