SO EILEEN HASNT EMAILED ME BACK. I WAS HOPING SHE WOULD HAVE BY NOW. MAYBE SHE’S BUSY. SHE PROBABLY IS. SHE MIGHT NOT EMAIL ME AT ALL, IF SHE DOESNT, I GUESS THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO. I’LL BE SORTA MAD THOUGH IF I DONT HEAR BACK FROM HER. I SPECIFICALLY TOLD HER I AM STRUGGLING RIGHT NOW AND I NEED HER HELP.
IM STILL FEELING BAD. NOT AS BAD AS I FELT THIS MORNING, BUT MY MOOD IS STILL REALLY LOW. I STILL FEEL VERY DEPRESSED, AND I WANT TO DISAPPEAR OR HIDE UNTIL I FEEL BETTER.
I’M WATCHING SOME TV NOW. AND DRINKING TEA. THATS KINDA HELPING. I DOUBT WE SLEEP MUCH TONIGHT. I THINK ITS GONNA BE ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS WHERE SLEEP WONT COME.
Its very early. not even 5 AM. I woke up, I heard a dog outside, he kept barking, I couldnt get back to sleep. So I got up, ate, and am now just sitting here trying to do email and blog. I am kinda feeling off though. A little anxious. And just blah. But I am trying, I get points for trying right?
ITS LIZ. IM FEELING VERY DOWN. IM VERY STRESSED. ITS NOTHING THAT ANYONE DID OR DIDNT DO. I JUST AM FEELING LOW MOOD WISE. AND VERY OVERWHELMED. I’VE HAD A LOT TO MANAGE WITH MY SYSTEM. THERE IS MUCH INTERNAL CHAOS AND FIGHTING. ITS NOT GOOD. MY EMOTIONS ARE BLOODY ALL OVER THE PLACE. I FEEL LIKE I’M SPINNING AND CANT STOP. I JUST FEEL LIKE UTTER CRAP. MY FIREND DID A LOVELY THING FOR ME. SHE LIT SOME CANDLES AND USED ESSENTIAL OILS AND IT WAS MEANT TO MAYBE TRY TO GET RID OF BAD OR NEGATIVE ENERGY I MIGHT BE FEELING, AND TO MAYBE HELP ME FEEL SOME BETTER, AND I HAVE TO SAY IT WORKED YESTERDAY, BUT TODAY, TODAY I AM BACK TO FEELING LIKE SHIT. OF COURSE THE WINTER SOLSTACE IS ALMOST HERE. THATS PROBABLY A REASON I FEEL THIS WAY TOO. IN FACT I’M PRETTY SURE OF IT. BEING A RA SURVIVOR SUCKS. IT REALLY JUST FUCKING SUCKS. YOU HAVE NO PEACE, NO END TO THE TRIGGERS, OR TRIGGERING THAT HAPPENS, UG. RIGHT NOW I FEEL LIKE JUST BREAKING DOWN. IM FEELING SO EMOTIONAL. LIKE I JUST WANT TO BURST INTO TEARS. BUT I CANT. I CANT BECAUSE I HAVE TO STAY STRONG. I HAVE TO STAY STRONG FOR EVERYONE ELSE. THEY ALL THINK I AM SO STRONG. I AM SO CAPABLE OF GETTING THINGS DONE. HELL EVEN EILEEN SAID THAT TO ME. SHE SAID I GET THINGS DONE, AND I DO IT WELL. BUT MAN GUYS IM NOT WELL. I JUST DONT FEEL WELL. 5 DAYS TO CHRISTMAS. CAN I MAKE IT? I DONT KNOW. I HOPE I CAN. I JUST HOPE I CAN.
today I am feeling down. Thank god Eileen has offered me a phone check in later on this evening. I need it. I woke up feeling very off. I just felt like I couldnt do anything, go anywhere, I felt like I wouldnt accomplish anything today. And I really didnt. I canceled art therapy with Emily. I canceled going in to the basement club. I even canceled dinner tonight with friends. I just feel like I need to stay home. I need to do some sootheing activities. Some self care. I need to look after myself. Im not sure if its after effects from giving a statement to the police last night. It could be I guess. I felt like that went ok though. But I dont know, I just feel unstable today. I guess I just need some down time to recover. Thats ok too I guess. I’ve gone back home now to my own house, as I have my PA amanda tomorrow morning. So I need to be here for her. I am planning on going to the gym tomorrow morning. I havent been there in ages. I need to get back to it. Tomorrow seems as good a time as any to start going again.
I haven’t gone to the gym again today. I didn’t go yesterday either.
Mom asked me this morning if it would be ok if we didn’t go today. She said she had to catch up on some ironing and housework. So I said it would be ok for us not to go today.
To be totally honest I wasn’t really in a good space mentally today and so wasn’t in the mood for exercising.
I will however push myself. And I will be going tomorrow!
I need to go. I need to get the feel good endorphins from doing the exercise. So tomorrow it is then!
My friend rose really came through today for me. I know we’ve had our issues lately but she’s been so supportive and helpful during my hard day today. She told me she’d be my sponsor! Ha I had to laugh at that! She told me Rosie says I need R and R rest and relaxation time and to have my breakfast tomorrow morning and then go right back to bed! I probably wont but we’ll see who knows, I may just do it!
I’m so delighted to have such amazing friends. I really appreciate that she has taken time to text with me today. It means so much to me and I am thankful for friends like her.
I am feeling really off today. my moods so low. so i went to mom and dads. i rang mom and i told her i felt off. i asked her if it would be ok if I came over. Of course she said yes that I should come over. So I did. I just feel so down. I’m struggling with memories, and intense emotions. The memories are awful. Its so hard to feel them come up. I had to ring amanda who is my PA and tell her I wouldnt be able to do our hours tomorrow. She was ok with that though. Because I didnt give her enough notice, she will still get payed. You had to give 24 hours notice or more before the PA doesnt get payed. I dont really feel up to doing anything this evening, so I think I’ll just chill out. Read and stuff. Just want to try to get through the rest of tonight. Sarah the CPN rang today also. Dr. barry had spoken to her and she’s going to ring me the weeks that I dont see dr. barry. So I’ll see dr. barry one week and on the alternative week Sarah will phone me. We had a good chat. She’s really nice and very understanding. She said I can do this I can get through the month and I will be ok, I just have to keep reminding myself that this month is half over now and I can make it through it. She is right, I know I can. I just do need to keep saying that to myself and hopefully that will help me get through it.