THIS IS A SUCKFEST OF A NIGHT.
I SHOULD BE ASLEEP, ITS ALMOST 2 AM
INSTEAD I AM UP RUMINATING
I AM OVERTHINKING AND PANICKING AND ANXIOUS AND FEARFUL
I MADE MYSELF SOME COFFEE, PROB NOT THE BEST IDEA BUT OH WELL IT IS WHAT IT IS
I NEED COFFEE I NEED TO CALM DOWN AND COFFEE HELPS ME CALM DOWN
PANIC IS RINNING RAMPANT THROUGH THE SYSTEM
I WROTE EILEEN AN EMAIL TO TELL HER WHAT IS GOING ON
I THINK ITS TO DO WITH MEMORIES AND BEING SCARED TO SLEEP FOR FEAR OF NIGHTMARES
WE TOOK OUR MEDS EARLY AND ALL HOPING FOR A GOOD NIGHT OF DECENT SLEEP
GOD HAVING DID IS A SUCKFEST SOMETIMES
why do I feel so blue
so much of the time
why cant my blue mood be turned into sunshine
so my saturdays going well. my niece and nephew are gone home so peace at last lol. mom and i had a small argument earlier where she yelled at me because she said I annoyed her and was being unappreciative of what she’s doing for me. i stormed off feeling hurt and stormed in to my room and was determined that I’d stay in here all weekend. lol the logic of it now it seems so childlike. or teenagery. a few mins later mom walked in with a caramel latte for me, a peace offering. her way of apologising without actually saying sorry. i was grateful though that it was over. i did say to her after a while that I’d appreciate it if she didnt shout at me, that I am an adult and she cant treat me as if I’m not. she seemed receptive to what I said so thats good at least. other than that saturday is going well. i’m chilling out. i didnt even get dressed today, i refused to get dressed haha. my friend Maeve just rang me asking if I want to go see a band tomorrow night as its the jazz weekend here in cork but I said no. I dont fancy being out in a pub in crowds of people unable to hear anyone because the music is so loud. I would prefer to stay home and watch x factor. which is what i am going to do tonight also. mom is going to see her brothers wife the lady i mentioned some time back whose dying of bone cancer. i havent gone but i did speak to her on the phone this past week. she’s still hanging in there with us 2 weeks after recieving the news that she’s terminal and only had a week to a month left to live. Tomorrow mom said she’d take me grocery shopping. I need to get a few bits to tide me over this week while I’m on midterm. I made a list and I wont be straying from it. Mondays a bank holiday so I plan on having another chill out day.
so we are not doing very well. we are feeling very mentally unwell. very emotional. also intense suicidal feelings. i did manage to go see rose yesterday which was nice. seeing her helped me to distract for a while. she gets it and she really gets me. i was able to talk to her about how i was feeling. she actually noticed without me saying anything. she said to me, i thought you had went downhill this past week, you were withdrawn and taking longer than usual to reply to texts etc. i told her i was sorry and then told her how i felt. she was very sympathetic. right now the system is in a lot of chaos. lots of the younger insiders are really struggling. i’m trying to be there for them as best as i can. i think part of it is they are scared i will do something, but i promised myself that if things get to a point where i feel like i am going to do something, i will go to get assessed at the hospital. i’m hoping it wont come to that though. i’m hopeful i can wait it out until i see eileen tomorrow. at least then we can discuss things, and talk about things. i wont be seeing dr. barry this week because i am going on respite tomorrow. but that might be a welcome distraction too. at least it will be a change of scenery. and i have the basement club i’ll be going there 3 days this week, and i have sarah on friday. so i am very much supported. i really just have to get through today. i think i can do it, i have hope.
eileen hasnt responded to Emily. That doesnt surprise me. She rarely responds to emails, it is an agreement we have. She will respond occasionally, if she feels we need a response. I guess she felt this email didnt need one. I think it did but well what can I do. Its up to her she has the power its up to her whether she replies or not. Emily was sad she did not reply though.
We had a good morning. We got everything done that needed to be done. I had our weigh in. We were only down by 0.1 of a pound. So not much at all. That was a bit of a bummer. I expected to be down more.
my pa made me a pasts bake and she cooked some pork for me for my dinner today. i will have sweet potatos with the pork. the sweet potatos are marinated in parsley and paprika. they sound like they will be delicious. i cant wait to taste them.
sarah my cpn gave me my injection this morning. i talked to her about some things while she was drawing up the injection. i told her our mental health is not so good. i told her i wasnt sleeping, i told her our mood was low. and that we are dissociative and that we feel bad. she was really supportive. i really like her and she helped me a lot today which was nice. i felt validated, i felt heard. i felt supported and listened too.
if my mood doesnt improve i may ask dr. barry to refer us to the weekend team next week. hopefully i wont have to but at least the option is there if i need it. i am glad it is there. i dont want to be hospitalised so the weekend team is the next best thing. i know they can hospitalise me if they felt i needed it. but mostly they dont unless you are unsafe or a danger to yourself or others. probably i will just have a phone check in if i get refered.
If you had just one day where you were pain free, depression free, free from any unhappy times, moods, etc, what do you think you would do?
I feel bla. Neither here or there. Just like ug this is pointless, life is pointless.
Dont know what brought me to this place tonight. I dont like it though. Its like this kind of flatness. a kind of resigned life is just icky.
Can anyone relate? I hope so as I hate to be alone with my thoughts and these feelings.