Depressed, again!

I’m having a lot of depression right now. I’m really struggling. I did nothing today besides going to my supported recovery apt. I guess I can call that a win, that I actually got there. It wasn’t easy but I went, and I’m proud of myself for getting there. However, I came home, and I crashed hard. I ended up going to bed. I couldn’t face anything. I stayed up long enough for my sister to drop off my injection to me, then I curled up with nitro and slept the day away. So much for my new night routine and going to bed at a decent hour. Its now gone 2 AM and I am wide awake, I only got up after midnight. I feel so irritable. I also just feel really low. My mood is very down and I feel so bla about everything. Thankful that I see dr. barry today. I need to talk to her. I hope she’ll have some good advice for me.

A bit of a wobble

Today almost didnt happen. My plans almost changed at the last minute, what happened was, there was a knock at my front door at 9 AM. Someone from the city council was there. They said they’d come to look at my shower.
I’d been asking for an electric shower, as it takes forever for my water to heat up and you cant just get out of bed and hop in the shower, so I wanted an electric shower to make things easier.
They said they’d have to ask the engineer at their depo about it. So off they went, and they said they’d get back to me. Meanwhile, I was getting ready to leave at 9:50 to go to the basement club.
Then about 20 minutes later, I got another call, this time from an electrician. He said he was currently on a job, but he’d be with me in half an hour. So I thought there is no way I’ll be able to go to the basement club now, I’ll have to stay home and make sure I am there to let him in.
Anyway he came, and he said he’d have to rewire the whole thing, and a plumber would have to take out the old shower, but he said that he wouldnt be able to do it until later next week, he said he’d call me back about it some time next week.
So after I’d canceled my taxi, and told my friend I wasnt going to the basement club, it turned out that I actually could go, so I quickly rang her back and she picked me up. We went down to the basement club, spent a few hours down there, which was nice. I chatted to some of the members. Then we went back to my friends house for about 2 hours.
I came home later on in the afternoon, ate dinner, and then I was exhausted, so slept for a few hours. Now its almost 11 and I am wide awake. I am looking through email, and drinking a cup of tea.
I’m glad I got to go out today. It did help. I actually am feeling good this evening which feels nice.


The overwhelm has hit

I feel very overwhelmed. It kinda came out of nowhere. I just feel really agitated. I am also starting to feel depressed. I am having body memories. It sucks. I hate them. Memories suck but body memories are the absolute pits. I dont want them! I want to relax! I emailed eileen. I hope she responds! I really feel so bad at the moment! After such a lovely day I dont know where this came from! My mood has just nose dived all of a sudden! Arrrg!


word of the day 8th april, level, am I level headed?

I feel very on edge at the moment. I dont feel level headed at all today! I am in a bit of a func! I feel awful actually. My mood hasnt been level in weeks. It fluctuates a lot.
Im trying to stay focused. I got in the shower and felt the water run on me. It felt so healing. I am feeling very emotional at the moment.
I wish I’d had an apt with dr. barry. I know she had some emergency and it couldnt be helped, but I really wish I’d gotten to see her today. I needed to see her. At least I remembered to take my morning meds, thats good, as I forgot them last night.
Probably one reason why I am off today!


Well so much for a plan

so much for a plan! i was all plans to go in to college this morning. not isolate, go in, and sit through class. i got up super early. i showered, ate breakfast, and was ready to leave, I had 20 minutes to go before leaving the house. I am in a whats app group with the members of my class that I am doing the group project with. Two of them usually help me out, walking me around in the building, guiding me in and out, and basically just helping me if I need help. Anyway the two of them texted the whats app group saying they wouldnt be in this morning. So then I decided I wouldnt go in either. I mean I could have gone in, but it would have been awkward, and I wasnt sure if anyone else would help me. I didnt want to chance it just in case they didnt. So now I am trying to figure out what to do with myself for the morning. At least I am not on my own, and at least my mood is a little brighter. I’m so happy about that. Plus I got up early, I slept well, and thats also really good. Maybe I’ll have a better day today. I hope I will. I’ll have a leisurely relaxed morning. I need it.


Well shit!

Woke up feeling awful! When will this shitstorm end!
I cant take much more of feeling so bad! Its waring, so so waring.
I ended up going to bed at 9:30 last night. I read for a while, I only read two chapters of my book, groomed, then I went to sleep. I did sleep, which I am glad about. I did wake a few times during the night though. I just lay there trying to go back to sleep and eventually I did.
My mood is still very low. I feel like bursting into tears one minute, then I am angry, I feel frustrated and I want to hit someone or lash out in some way. It feels just awful.
I hope it goes away soon. My sister is coming over later for dinner, with the kiddos and her partner. I am going to enjoy her company. I think having her here at mom and dads will take my mind off of how I am feeling.
I think my dad is going to take Nitro out for a walk. Maybe I’ll go with him. I need to clear my head. A walk will do me good I think.

And my mood today is…

my mood this morning is bla. I woke up feeling bla. I still feel low. I still just feel so depressed.

I am planning on going to my friend normas house later today. she asked me to come over. she said she’s feeling lonely and would love to hang out for a bit. so I decided that i’d go. it will be good for me to go and hang out.

I slept relatively ok I guess. I read a couple chapters of my book. i’m reading two books at the moment. one is called between sisters and is by cathy Kelly, who is an irish writer. its fiction. the other is by casey Watson and is called groomed. casey Watson is a UK foster parent. I like her books but I don’t like the reader. she’s so annoying. she has this squeaky voice and she reads quite slow.

I started reading groomed months ago but I never finished it. now I plan on finishing it. I’m only on chapter 12 though.

I wish my mood would get better. I hate being in such a func. It feels awful. Feeling down really is such a crappy place to be in.

Well I will go drink my cup of tea and hope I start feeling better as the day wares on.