flashback trauma

flashbacks are kicking our collective ass. horrific memories are running rampant. taunting us. making us crazy. sending us spiraling. triggering us into a place of emotional instability.

Right now, I feel awful. I want an end to this pain. An end is all I want.

But it never ends. The pain threatens to take me down. If only the memories would stop?

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POEM

I AM LONELY
I AM BLUE
I FEEL SAD
EVERYTHING FEELS UNTRUE
I FEEL OLD
I FEEL DEAD
I SPEND WAY TOO MUCH TIME INSIDE MY HEAD
ITS DARK
ITS GREY
I DONT LIKE LIVING HERE
BUT I DO IT EVERY DAY
WHEN WILL MY THOUGHTS AND EMOTIONS GET OUT
WHEN WILL THEY FINALLY BE ABLE TO BE
WHEN CAN I
FINALLY BE SET FREE?

LIZ

i am scared

its alicia. and i am scared. i dont like night time. i hate the dark. when its night time i start to think about stuff. bad stuff. like what if someone broke in to our house. or what if bad people are outside. or what if i have nightmares. i hate it. i am not on my own tonight. we are at our parents house still. but they are asleep in bed. i cant wake them up if i need to. that would be wrong. plus they dont know me. or see me. so i am alone. its lonely.

alone lonely and sad

my eyes hurt from crying. i cant even remember any more why i started to cry. i think it was a build up of a lot of things. i need a hug but cant ask anyone. its too early to text or call my therapist. i’m at my parents and mom is awake and up but she’d never hug me. i cant remember the last time she hugged me. it wasnt recently. i feel incredibly sad and alone and just so on my own. at least i have nitro, he knows i’m not ok because he keeps coming over by the bed and nuzzling my arm. i just realised too that i am actually hungry. maybe if i eat something i will feel better. maybe i’ll go make some toast. it feels like its gonna be an awfully long day.