A phone call with our therapist Eileen

its me alicia again. remember i wrote yesterday? about my conversation with dr. barry? well when i got home i was really triggered. i think talking about all that stuff about wanting a mom and wanting to live with eileen or dr. barry really triggered me. i was sad and felt like crying. i was also mad that it could not happen. everything was just getting to me. i felt horrible.
i rang eileen to tell her i was feeling bad, and that i felt sad. she didnt pick up so i left a message. i asked her to text me and told her i was hoping to talk to her. that was about 1 o’clock. she didnt ring or text me back. i waited and waited all day and felt more and more upset and trigggered. i felt like maybe she was tired of hearing me go on about being adopted and not having a mom. i felt like maybe she wasnt gonna be there for me any more. and i cried and cried because everything felt so overwhelming and hard.
eventually carol anne made me go to bed at about 8 PM. she tucked me in and settled me down for the night. she talked to me and promised that eileen would respond, and if she did she would tell her that i was sleeping but she said she’d arrange for me to talk to her today. so i accepted that. i went to sleep feeling so sad. it was nice that carol anne cared about me and tucked me in and wanted to be there for me but i was still so sad, i just wanted eileen.
eileen did respond, carol anne said she texted at about 9 PM. she apologised for not getting back to me sooner. carol anne told her i was sleeping and they arranged for me to call her at 11:15 this morning. so i did. i spent 25 minutes on the phone with her. it was great. we talked about me being triggered. i told eileen that everything was just too much for me and getting to me. she said she understood.
a friend had given me the idea that maybe eileen could adopt me for the hour and a half that we spend together each week. that maybe she could be a therapist mom. and that maybe sometimes we could do things together during our sessions. i liked that idea a lot so i asked eileen about it. she thought it was a great idea and agreed to it! she said that even when i am not out, even when I am inside, that she will be there for me. so when i go to therapy each week and sit in her office i will know she loves me and is there for me no matter what. i think this could work. she also said she would read to me and record that and send it to me. that sounds good to me. she also said that maybe sometimes we could do a meditation exercise together, or walk around her room touching stuff, or she could hold us like she did a week ago, she always hugs me and that feels so good.
she said that when we got off the phone i should do something fun like watch a movie or something. im still thinking on what i can do. i think a movie sounds like something i would enjoy. it will also keep me distracted and take my mind off stuff for a while.
i feel good after talking to eileen. im less sad now. she helped me feel better. but she always does. hearing her voice helps me feel grounded again.
alicia age 9