shes gonna read to me

eileen is gonna read a book to me. shes done that before. so its not a new thing.
i love when she reads to me.
it is feelin so safe. i love listening to her voice.
i love how she reads. her voice is calm and gentle and soft. its a little piece of heaven.
the book i chose was today i feel silly and other moods that make my day by jamie lee curtis.
im a little old for it but i dont care. i like it.
eileen said she’ll record herself reading it. and we can have it then to listen back to when we’re sad, lonely, feeling alone, or like we need her.
that is good right? i think it is.
we already have a recording of another one she read to us called in my heart, we have a recording of it and we listen to that one a ton.
now we’ll have a new one. yay. im sooo happy.
she said shell do it this week, and if she cant, then we can do it next week during our session.
I feel good now. Love my heart mom sooo much.
allie 9


Blog share. Its good to be crazy!

Trina blogs over at its good to be crazy. Her blog is cool! Go check it out and give her a follow!
Below is her intro!

Hi Carol Anne and everyone else

This is me, I blog about lots of things but mainly mental health. On occassion I post photos of my cats/masters, I am on a reblog craze at the moment.

Post share. Revenge of eve:An open letter to her daughter #1

Check out this wonderful post! Eve shares her love for her daughter, a touching and very powerful letter!

Having children

A friend of mine just wrote a post about having kids. I have been thinking on it. I am childless but not by choice. I am childless due to having no ovaries. I am also childless due to being a lesbian and unable to have kids in the natural way. If I had ovaries, and I was straight, I think I’d have kids. I’ve always wanted kids. I could adopt or foster kids, but due to my mental illnesses I doubt I’d be allowed. I think the social services are very strict on that. I’ve never tried though. I could do IVF but its far too expensive to try it. I desperately wish I had kids, though. I’ve always longed to be a mom. I do question my parenting skills though. I am not sure I would make a good mom. I find it desperately hard to mother my littles so I think mothering a child would be super hard for me. I wish I could give it a go though. I ache to be a mom. I long for it. I do have my niece and nephew who I love dearly. I am not their mom though. But I do give them ample love and affection. I dote on them. At least I can be a mom to my furbaby. That counts. I love him and dote on him too. I also think my blindness would prevent me from having kids, since I think I would be watched closely if I did have a child. I don’t particularly agree with this stance since my friends are blind and have kids, in fact my best friend has two, but then she has a sighted partner so that helps. I feel like my chance to have a child was kinda robbed from me. Because I didn’t have a choice as to whether my ovaries were removed, they had to be for medical reasons.

An early birthday gift

Our birthday is not for another 3 weeks. But today our friend Emilia over at my inner mish mash

has sent us a wonderful birthday gift! Thanks emilia! You are super sweet to think of us!
We got the parcel this morning. Its wonderful!
We got a stuffed bunny which the kids love! We are going to name him misha after emilias russian blue cat!
We also got lovely pollish chocolates! Mmmm they are delicious I’ve eaten two already!
And we got lovely bath smellies! I’m going to smell beautiful 🙂
And a gorgeous birthday card! Thanks so much emilia you’ve really made our day!
🙂 😀 ❤
carol anne


my mood is kind of dipping. i can feel it. i feel dispondent. agitated too. and irritated. i snapped at my dad. he annoyed me. he is so OCD about everything. That irritates me when I am not in a good mood. Mom went to her moms grave with my sister. I asked her to buy me some fruit in lidles while she was out, I need fruit for the week. She said that wasnt a problem she’d do it for me. I feel bad that I couldnt go to my grammas grave, but I just couldnt do it. I just felt too depressed. Being at a grave side wouldnt be good for us right now. I can still talk to my gramma and say a prayer for her, i dont think you have to actually visit the grave to show your love for a deceased person. I surprised my niece today which did make me feel good. I gave her my old net book computer. I got a new computer recently and wasnt using this one so I thought she’d benefit from it. She was thrilled. Giving it to her and seeing her reaction did lift my mood for a little while. I cant believe the weekends almost over. Back to regular routine tomorrow, ILS course, and therapy as well.

Currently March 2018

This month I have decided to participate in the challenge currently which is held each month. The theme is to write on five prompts. So here goes.

Planning: A holiday which we are taking in May. I will be going to Kerry with my mom, sister, and my sis’s two kids. We will go for a week, and see the sites, go to beaches weather permitting, etc. Should be a lot of fun.

Seeing: My niece and nephew. Now that I am at the ILS course I only see them on weekends, and not every weekend. I mostly only see them on Sundays. The time we have together is precious to me.

Making: Lots of yummy slimming world recipes. And enjoying doing it. I especially enjoyed making the spaghetti carbonara tonight. And I also enjoyed making the slimming world chips.

Pretending: That I am coping, when I am really not. I am making it, with some effort, but I am always always struggling, living with did and complex ptsd is very tough.

Wearing: My Pajamas. Its only 5 AM here right now so I am not dressed for the day yet.