In The volunteering I do, there is a lot of outreach work associated with it. So my regular followers know that I work for an organisation locally called friendly call, we have a client base, who are vulnerable, elderly, isolated and living alone, ill, mentally ill, etc. As part of our work, we do things sometimes for the clients, it isnt just daily phone calls we provide for them. We have also been known to cut their lawns, bring them shopping, do home visits, in fact today my supervisor brought a client to macdonalds for lunch. My supervisor is awesome. She goes way above and beyond what she is supposed to do, what her job description says. She really is a great community development worker which is what her title is. If we werent doing those things, our clients would have very little support, so its good we’re able to provide them with the extra support. It feels so good to be able to help someone out. I really do feel great every time I finish a shift at my volunteer job.


Mentally feeling very unwell

I feel very mentally unstable. I’m very dissociative, depressed and anxious.

I’ve slept a lot this afternoon, for a few hours, despite thinking I would be able to stay awake. I just didnt have the energy or motivation to stay awake.

At least I’m remembering to take my meds, which is a positive I guess.

I hung out with my mom and dad for a while this evening, watching the TV. That seemed to help a little bit. It got me out of my head, and stopped the negative thoughts I was having.

Now me and Nitro are in the bedroom, and mom and dad will be going to bed soon, but I’ll probably be awake for the majority of the night. Even with meds on bord, I doubt I’ll sleep. I’m too wired, too wound up to sleep. My head feels full. I’m actually feeling very emotional right now, as well as very dissociative.

Yeah, I guess its just another day in the life of someone living with mental anguish, sucks to be me.

Alone in the dark

I sit here
I live in fear
The flashbacks come
They leave me feeling so numb
Sitting here in the dark
Rain falls outside my window
I try to focus on the sound
Anything so I wont drown
I cry silent tears
I relive all of my fears
Oh how I hate
The night, and the darkness
It swallows me whole
Until I am no more
And feel so unsure

pain, pain, everywhere!

There is so much pain
in my heart
in my body
In my mind
in my soul
the pain overflows
oh sweet pain
I long for release
I long for you
To just disappear
If you wont
Then I long
To disappear instead
Take me,
Your breaking me

dark thoughts…

that familiar ache
it grips me
it haunts me
it penetrates
it makes me squirm
i cry silent tears
the darkness engulfs me
overtakes me
i am in so much pain
the pain feels like its killing me
emotional pain
there is no rest
no relief
no getting away from it
darkness is my friend
my constant companion
especially at night
oh how I wish
the night would end
the darkness would subside
Oh how I wish
for peace from this pain
Will it ever come?

Early finish

So I finished up early today at work! I was delighted! I went in at 11, because my PA was finished all of my house work. She asked me if I wanted to get a cab with her, she payed for it. I said ok, it saved my supervisor a journey as she’d have had to pick me up.

I only worked for an hour and a half! I had about 25 people to call. I didn’t get a few of them but I got through to most of them.

After I got done one of the girls in the office dropped me to my moms, as my supervisor was gone to one of our clients funerals, the one who died over Christmas.

It was a good shift though. All of the clients were in very good spirits.

Working over christmas

I am working a lot this week. I am helping brenda out, brenda is my supervisor. She is short staffed, so I helped her out this morning. I worked for 3 hours this morning. I also worked yesterday afternoon but that was my regular shift. I am working tomorrow and on friday also. I dont mind. The office closes on Friday afternoon but we’ll continue to make calls over the whole christmas holiday period. I will just work from home for a few hours each day over christmas and the new year. I will have about 12 to 15 clients to call. There are 10 of us working it. I’m happy to do it. Some of our clients wont see anybody over the holidays so they are depending on our call. I’m happy I’m able to help.