“i dont know why your being assessed”
“there is nothing wrong with you”
“your wasting peoples time and money”
“you are not sikck”
“you must love going to doctors”
all spoken by our dad. words hurt. my heart is empty and heavy. the grief is weighing heavily on my heart tonight.
i wanted mom to go to our assessment on friday. i wanted it so bad. i wanted her to go to support us.
but she said no. a firm no.
“why would i go”
“your being assessed, not me”
“I have no business being there”
“its pointless me going”
nothing about i know its hard so I’ll go to support you. it fucking hurts.
Am I real?
Right now it doesnt feel like it at all!
Wondering, because things seem really off!
I need a friend so if anyones around, write to me? thanks guys!
we’re ok. wendy is ok. i managed to get her to go back inside. she was having a meltdown. because our dad was yelling at us. that always triggers us. yelling. he yells a lot. everything was wrong with him today. he moans about everything. its so frustrating. then he takes his moods out on us. that hurts. wendy was just verbalising her hurt. i’m sorry if it worried anyone. we’re ok though. we’ll be ok.
she sits alone
and stares into space
thinking too much
her thoughts whirl
and she wonders
how long it will be
she can go
its hard to sit
and hard to just breathe
she counts to 10
as does thinking
in fact everything just hurts right now
OK SO I AM HURTING AND SAD AND FEELING FUCKING AWFUL. YES. AND I’D LIKE TO KNOW WHY PEOPLE ARE SO FUCKING INSENSITIVE.
THAT DUDE BANNING CAROL ANNE. HE THINKS HE IS GOD.
HE’S ACTING ALL POWERFUL JUST CAUSE HE OWNS A FUCKING EMAIL LIST.
DAMN IT ANYWAY. WORDS HURT. SEEING EMAILS THAT ARENT MEANT FOR US TO SEE THAT TALK ABOUT US AND ARE DEROGATORY FUCKING HURTS.
I AM PISSED. BEYOND PISSED.
IT MAKES ME WANT TO GRAB A STEAK KNIFE OUT OF THE KITCHEN AND CUT UP OUR ARMS.
JUST BECAUSE I AM HURTING, AND I CANT THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE TO DO INSTEAD.
SO I AM REACHING OUT HERE FOR SUPPORT. AND I THINK PEOPLE SHOULD BLOODY THINK BEFORE THEY SPEAK. BUT THATS ASKING TOO MUCH I GUESS.
IS ANYONE AROUND?
FEEL LIKE I’M CRUMBLING
CANT STOP IT
FLASHES OF THE PAST
WHY DO THEY LAST
CAN I FACE IT
DONT THINK SO
INSTABILITY RAINS DOWN
AND I DONT WANT TO BE AROUND
its allie and I am so sad. for those who are new to our blog I am an insiders in our system, a kid. I am 9 and I get sad a lot because I wish our therapist Eileen or our psychiatrist dr barry can adopt me. and tonight is one of those nights. I want a forever mom. my bio mom doesn’t love me. she doesn’t even know me because she thinks i’m just a mood and she wont accept our did diagnosis. and it hurts. I hurt. the pain makes me so sad. its this physical clenching inside my heart and chest. and an ache. and in my mind I long for a hug from my forever mom who I wish could be Eileen or dr barry. I keep asking them to adopt me. and they keep saying it cant happen. and then I get angry and mad at them. because please just listen you guys. I need someone. I need a mommy! I need you to adopt me! everything hurts right now. I am crying. I feel lonely. and I hate when its night time. if I had a forever mom she could read to me. tuck me into bed. cuddle and snuggle with me. instead I have to snuggle nitro, that’s nice, but I just want a mommy hug and an I love you and I am listening tell me about your day. I am so jealous of dr barrys kids. they are so lucky to have her as their mom. I want her and I wish she was my mom all the time. I fantasise about what it would be like to live with her in her house. am I weird? I suppose people will think i’m nuts. I don’t care. people who have nice moms who love them and who care about them are so lucky. i’m jealous of you too. our bio mom only sees Shirley, or our outside body, and the age that it is which is 37, she doesn’t see the children inside who crave her attention. she just doesn’t see us. she says we are childish sometimes because we have toys in our house that we play with and we watch kid movies and cartoons a lot and we do coloring and stuff but don’t adults do those things too? people who don’t have alters and who aren’t diagnosed with did? I think they do. anyway. I better go to bed. its almost 2 AM. good night world. maybe I can live with dr barry or Eileen some day, maybe they’ll change their mind and adopt me.
allie, age 9