Grateful on this thursday

So grateful today for so many things…including…

Good sleep
Cup of tea
My dog
An understanding supervisor
Music
Good friends
My mom
Fresh fruit
Coffee
My health
Writing
The fact that I am alive!

Weigh in time!

Its weigh in time again! I cant believe another weeks gone by! It feels like time is flying by!

I am hopeful I’ll be down this week. I really really hope I will be!

Fingers crossed! Wish me luck guys!

I’ll let you all know when I get home!

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COUSINS FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS

OUR COUSINS FUNERAL IS NEXT WEEK, ON THE 11TH OF MARCH. WE’RE PLANNING ON GOING, IF OUR AUNT CAN PUT US UP FOR 2 NIGHTS, OTHERWISE WE’LL HAVE TO GETA HOTEL OR B AND B FOR THE TWO NIGHTS. HOPEFULLY WE CAN STAY AT OUR AUNTS HOUSE. WE HAVE TO FLY TO THE UK, AND THEN GET A TRAIN TO OUR AUNTS. OUR MOM, SISTER, AND TWO AUNTS ARE ALSO GOING. THE FUNERAL IS ON THE MONDAY MORNING, WE’LL LEAVE TO GO TO IT ON SUNDAY MORNING, AND COME HOME AGAIN ON TUESDAY EVENING, MY COUSIN ALISON IS BEING CREMATED. ITS GOING TO BE SO SAD. I AM NOT AT ALL LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. IT WILL JUST BE THE SADDEST THING. HER SON JORDAN IS GETTING OUT OF PRISON FOR IT, BUT A PRISON GUARD WILL BE AT THE FUNERAL WITH HIM. THAT PART TO ME IS VERY VERY HEARTBREAKING. SO NEXT WEEKEND ON SUNDAY TO THE TUESDAY I’LL BE OUT OF COMMISSION. I DONT THINK I’LL BRING MY LAPTOP. IF I CAN I WILL AND IF I CANT I’LL JUST LEAVE IT. I’LL HAVE MY PHONE BUT I WONT BE CHECKING MY EMAIL GROUPS. OR MY BLOG. SO JUST IN CASE ANYONE IS WONDERING WHERE WE ARE, OR WHY, THATS THE REASON. I HOPE WE’LL GET THROUGH THIS OK, I WANT TO GO, I WANT TO BE THERE TO SUPPORT MY FAMILY, I LOVED MY COUSIN AND I WANT TO DO THIS FOR HER. I AM JUST HOPING IT ALL GOES OFF OK.

LIZ

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This is Sirena

im sirena, and im 13. I thought i’d write.

I am feeling like I want to cut. I didn’t, but I want to. it sucks. I feel frustrated and irritated. I want the kids to stop whining and crying, there really is no point to it is there? I mean, what is it going to fix for them to be so needy?

I cant stand it. the reason I cant stand it is this. when we’d cry all those years ago, no one came. no one helped us. no one cared. we were just left there, left to cry ourselfs to sleep.

it hurt then, and it still hurts now. but when the kids cry now, I cant stand it. I cant stand the noise, or the feelings it brings up for me. why have hope? hope is just stupid. I don’t have any hope. hope didn’t help me get through. I know some of us had hope though.

but tonight I just feel mad, mad, and angry. and I cant cope. and I want to scream. and I want the kids to just hush. shut up. please cuz its just grating on my nerves.

I talked to Eileen today. we had a good chat. she told me its ok if I don’t have words, I didn’t for a while. I couldn’t talk. I felt too anxious. too agitated. too overwhelmed.

eventually I did manage to chat to her. she knew I was struggling, so she made small talk with me for a while. that helped a bit. it meant I didn’t have to think about my feelings. or think about the kids whining and being upset.

I hate that they are so needy. I hate needing anyone or anything. I just hate it. I feel like we shouldn’t need. its not good. its wrong and it leads to more issues.

I’m just sad. sad and mad and angry. I just want a break from my emotions, and from my head. my head is a scary place right now. very scary.
sirena age 13

Alexas new years thought happy new year to everyone!

I want to wish you all a very happy new year! I will continue to post quotes om here in 2019, but for now, here is my new years thought, as we say goodbye to 2018, and go into 2019, so happy new year to you all!

alexa

Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, “It will be happier.
Alfred Lord Tennyson

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