This is Sirena

im sirena, and im 13. I thought i’d write.

I am feeling like I want to cut. I didn’t, but I want to. it sucks. I feel frustrated and irritated. I want the kids to stop whining and crying, there really is no point to it is there? I mean, what is it going to fix for them to be so needy?

I cant stand it. the reason I cant stand it is this. when we’d cry all those years ago, no one came. no one helped us. no one cared. we were just left there, left to cry ourselfs to sleep.

it hurt then, and it still hurts now. but when the kids cry now, I cant stand it. I cant stand the noise, or the feelings it brings up for me. why have hope? hope is just stupid. I don’t have any hope. hope didn’t help me get through. I know some of us had hope though.

but tonight I just feel mad, mad, and angry. and I cant cope. and I want to scream. and I want the kids to just hush. shut up. please cuz its just grating on my nerves.

I talked to Eileen today. we had a good chat. she told me its ok if I don’t have words, I didn’t for a while. I couldn’t talk. I felt too anxious. too agitated. too overwhelmed.

eventually I did manage to chat to her. she knew I was struggling, so she made small talk with me for a while. that helped a bit. it meant I didn’t have to think about my feelings. or think about the kids whining and being upset.

I hate that they are so needy. I hate needing anyone or anything. I just hate it. I feel like we shouldn’t need. its not good. its wrong and it leads to more issues.

I’m just sad. sad and mad and angry. I just want a break from my emotions, and from my head. my head is a scary place right now. very scary.
sirena age 13

Alexas new years thought happy new year to everyone!

I want to wish you all a very happy new year! I will continue to post quotes om here in 2019, but for now, here is my new years thought, as we say goodbye to 2018, and go into 2019, so happy new year to you all!

alexa

Hope smiles from the threshold of the year to come, whispering, “It will be happier.
Alfred Lord Tennyson

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Great news about college!

Hey everyone
Guess what? I have good news!
😀
I got a place on the mental health in the community college course. I am beyond thrilled! I just found out, so you all are the first to know!
😀
It starts next week, next Wednesday. I am so excited! I cannot believe I aced the interview and got a place! I thought it went well but I did not want to get my hopes up too much!
😀
Thanks everyone for all of the good vibes, encouragement, and prayers that I’d be successful!

Your all amazing and I am so grateful for all your kind comments and thoughts!
This is gonna be fabulous! I am really going to throw myself into it! I cant wait to start!

This is a great end to an already fab day!

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My interview!

It went well. I am hopeful.
It was very informal. Just a chat really. They asked four questions.
Why do you want to do the course?
What training have you had?
What do you think you’ll get out of doing the course?
And tell us a little about yourself?
I did good answering them all!
I am very proud! Nitro was really well behaved too!
I should know something within the next two weeks. I hope I got a place!
If I did we start on december 5th. We do wrap as our first module. For those who dont know what wrap is it stands for wellness recovery action plan.
We will just have one class before christmas. Then the course starts proper in january.
I really hope I did enough to get on it!
Fingers crossed! Time will tell!

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Hope

when all else fails
have hope
when nothing is going right
have hope
hope is what keeps us going
the fuel the heart lives on
that’s right
hope, hope is what we all need
to survive
to thrive
hope is what we need to breathe
so breathe hope into your soul
and watch it grow
and flourish
watch how you start to change
life looks up
looks good
when hope is found
surround yourself with hope
hope that things will get better
and remember
there are people out there
people who care
people who love you
People who will give you the moon
and so…
always, have hope!

Its weigh in night tonight

So its that time of the week again, weigh in time.
Another week, another try at being down a few pounds, even a pound will do me or half a pound. Any little bit helps. I’d be happy at this point to go in and come out with just some sort of weight loss.
I’ve had a pretty good week all things considered. So I am very hopeful.
We’ll see though. Only time will tell. Wish me luck as I step on the scales tonight!

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