Life is like a mirror — we get the best results when we smile.
Just like gold, which has to weather very high temperatures to achieve the sheen and shine it finally gets, so also every person has to go through struggles in his life to achieve success.
Life always offers you a second chance. It’s called tomorrow.
Let whatever you do today be enough. Let go of the judgement you have about what you should be or could be doing, and today, allow yourself to simply be. Comparing yourself and your journey may be habitual, but it gets you nowhere. It makes you feel worse and it keeps you stuck. So stop fixating on where everyone else is, and start giving yourself permission to be exactly where you are. Quiet the voice telling you to do more and be more, and trust that in this moment, who you are, where you are at, and what you are doing is enough. You will get to where you need to be in your own time. Until then, breathe. Breathe and be patient with yourself and your process. You are doing the best you can to cope and survive amid your struggles, and thats all you can ask of yourself. Its enough. You are enough.
so we saw dr. barry today. we talked about the ptsd symptoms and how they are getting worse, not better. we talked about the severe flashbacks we’ve been having, and the night terrors, insomnia, bad anxiety etc. I asked Dr. Barry if I could please have a PRN for the anxiety and I told her I’d only use it when things get really bad and really intense. She wont agree to put me on a benzo, because she thinks they could become problematic even with the best of intentions, but she did agree to put me on another low dose antipsychotic. I already take xeplion at 150 MG, that is the highest dose I can take of that particular medication. We agreed that she would put me on haldol and she wrote me a prescription for 10 tablets for the next month. She said if the anxiety gets worse or it doesnt seem to be improving that she might look at putting me on the haldol longterm. She was going to try thorazine, but she said she’d prefer to try haldol first, as its a cleaner med, with less side effects. At this point I’ll try anything to relieve the symptoms. They are awful and I feel terrible so much of the time. I really really hope this med works.
She also increased my prozac from 20 to 40 MG. She said I can go up to 60 MG but she said they really dont put patients on 60 MG of prozac now any more, as its known to have cardiac side effects at that high of a dose. She said putting my dose up to 40 MG should help with the ptsd symptoms. I hope she’s right.
We also talked about starting naltrexone. Not sure if I am spelling it correctly. Back when I got diagnosed in 2010 with did, it was suggested that I go on naltrexone, to help with the dissociation. My psych doc at the time agreed and then a few weeks later changed her mind and wouldnt agree to write me a script for the med, so I never went on it. I asked dr. Barry today if she’d be willing to try me on it. She said that she has one person on it right now, that person is an alcoholic so is using it for dependency issues, not dissociative issues, its not even licensed here in ireland yet. Which means if I go on it it wont be covered under my medical card. Dr. Bary thinks there is probably a way around that though. She said she’d do some research on the med, and read up on the literature about it and get back to me next week about it. She’s willing to put me on it once she has cleared things with her clinical director, since as they’d be using the med as a non licensed med they’d need to check and make sure I wouldnt have any adverse side effects from it. She also told me I’d need to get my liver checked before starting it and then regularly once I am on it.
I suppose adding two new meds and increasing one all at once is quite a big jump, but things need to change, I need to try to get this PtSD and dissociation under control. It is really debilitating and making life very difficult for us.
Carve your name on hearts, not tombstones. A legacy is etched into the minds of others and the stories they share about you.
Shannon L. Alder
Today is a brand new day; a day to heal, a day to love, a day to forgive, a day to encourage, a day to start afresh.