WRITTEN BY LIZ, AGE 16
I LONG FOR THE COLD STEAL BLADE OF A KNIFE
TO TOUCH MY SKIN AND TAKE ME AWAY
TO MAKE ME FORGET ALL THE PAIN INSIDE
AND CALM THE NERVES THAT REFUSE TO SETTLE
I WANT THE FEELING THAT ONLY COMES BY THIS
THE FEELING THAT I CAN RELAX AND BREATHE
MY HEART FEELS SO COLD AND SO HEAVY
HOW CAN I KNOW ITS WARMTH WITHOUT THE BLOOD
IF MY BLOOD IS WARM THEN MY HEART MUST NOT BE FROZEN
I WANT THE BLANKNESS OF MY MIND, THAT IS UNIQUE TO THE STINGING AND LINES OF RED
THE ONLY WAY IVE EVER KNOWN OF, TO CLEAR OUT EVEN FOR A MOMENT ALL THAT HAUNTS ME
I WANT A PEACE THAT COMES OUT NUMB
THAT FEELS NOTHING, RATHER THAN EVERYTHING AT ONCE
HOW CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND SUCH CONTRADICTIONS
LIFE AND WARMTH, WITH BLANKNESS AND NUMBNESS
YET THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I CAN BRING OUT OF MYSELF
WITH ONLY A KNIFE PRESSED TO MY SKIN
that voises ar back and iam skard
thay say bad stuf to me in my head
it maks me fraid
i just want shout go way get away get lost at them
but im too skard
i hug my rabit nibbles
she mak me feel safe
i wish it bes mornin
i not likin nit tim at all
nit tim is ick
all tha skary stuf hapens then
bad peple come get you
i need a hug
i need someone to sit wif me
and my nicknam is tay tay i am six
its allie. i am going to do a kinda count down while we are on our therapy break. every day i will write in here and count down the days to when we next see eileen. maybe i can write a little bit each day about how i am feeling on that day and about missing her and at the end i can say like so many days to go before we see her.
will you help me count down the days?
it will be a good distraction?
i have our calendar too to mark them off on. we have the two mondays that she is away marked with a butterfly on each one and the other 3 mondays in august that we will be seeing her we have those marked with a flower on each one. the rest of the days are filled out with little diamond shaped stickers.
We are also going to make her some cards while she is on holiday and we will give them all to her when she gets back. And maybe we will write some letters to hertoo.
we will need our readers help to do this, to cheer us on, and keep us distracted on the days that we get really sad and miss eileen a lot.
ITS ME LIZ. SO MOST OF YA KNOW WE HAD A ROUGH NIGHT LAST NIGHT. NO SLEEP, HORRIBLE MEMORIES, NIGHTMARES, ETC. IT WAS FUCKING CRAZY. BUT ANYWAY, WE EVENTUALLY DID GET TO SLEEP AT LIKE 5 AM. I STARTED LISTENING TO LINKIN PARK I KNOW NOT VERY SOOTHEING MUSIC BUT WELL LISTENING TO IT WAS KEEPING US AWAKE EVEN MORE SO THEN EMILY CAME OUT AND SHE WAS LISTENING TO SOME SORTA RELAXATION SHIT I’M LIKE MAN THIS IS CRAP SO I WENT NSIDE I DIDNT BOTHER STAYING OUT ANY LONGER. WHEN WE DID SLEEP EVENTUALLY WE SLEPT FOR 5 HOURS STRAIGHT, MOM WOKE US UP AT 10 TO ASK US IF WE WANTED FRUIT SALAD FR BREAKFAST, CAROL ANNE IS TOTALLY ADDICTED TO IT SO WE HAD THAT, THEN WENT BACK TO BED TO READ FOR A WHILE. IT WAS A VERY CHILL SORT OF DAY. WE ATE AT OUR PARENTS HOUSE THEN WE WENT BACK HOME TO OUR OWN HOUSE. MOM CAME WITH US, SHE WAS GOING TO COME OVER ON WEDNESDAY TO CUT OUR GRASS AND STUFF BUT SHE DECIDED TO DO IT TODAY INSTEAD. OH WAIT TILL I TELL YOU GUYS, YOU’LL NEVER GUESS WHAT? WE STEPPED ON OUR SCALES WHEN WE GOT HOME TODAY AND WE WERE 5 POUNDS LIGHTER THAN LAST TIME AND WE STILL HAVE 2 WEEKS TO GO BEFORE OUR WEIGH IN! WOOT WOOT WE ARE THRILLED! WELL I KNOW CAROL ANNE IS SHE’S REALLY BEEN WORKING SO HARD. WE HAVE GOTTEN ON OUR TREADMILL THIS AFTERNOON TOO WHICH IS ANOTHER WIN! SO YEP ITS BEEN AN ALL ROUND BETTER DAY! OUR SISTERS BEEN TEXTING US FROM THE CANARY ISLANDS TO LET US KNOW HOW SHE’S GETTING ON OUT THERE ON HER VACATION. SHE IS LOVING IT AND HAS BEEN AT THE BEACH AND GONE SHOPPING AND BEEN AROUND THE POOL AND OTHER THINGS. SHE SENT ME LOTS OF PHOTOS SO THAT I COULD SHOW MOM. THERAPY TOMORROW MORNING AND I AM SO LOOKING FORWARD TO IT. ITS OUR LAST SESSION FOR 3 WEEKS, WELL 2 WEEKS REALLY AS WE GO BACK ON THE FOURTEENTH. I HOPE WE CAN DISCUSS SOME STRATEGIES TO USE OVER THE BREAK, WE’RE JUST GONNA MISS EILEEN SO MUCH. WE ALWAYS DO. THE WHOLE ATTACHMENT TRAUMA ISSUES AND ALL, IT BLOODY IS SHIT AND HURTS TO NOT SEE HER FOR 21 DAYS! WE WILL GET THROUGH IT THOUGH I HOPE. I’M HOPEFUL SHE MIGHT GIVE US A TRANSITIONAL OBJECT OR SOMETHING TO KEEP THE CONNECTION GOING. WE ALSO HAVE TO COLLECT OUR CALENDAR FROM HER THAT SHE HELPED THE KIDS MAKE LAST WEEK.
DONT WORRY GUYS. I AM OK. I AM NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING RASH. I JUST NEEDED TO SPILL MY GUTS ABOUT HOW I FELT. THATS ALL. I AM OK THOUGH HONEST.
I JUST NEEDED AN OUTLET. SOMEWHERE TO VENT. AND MY BLOG IS MY PERSONAL VENT SPACE. FOR US ALL IT IS OUR SPACE TO BE COMPLETELY US. COMPLETELY REAL AND RAW AND HONEST.
SO YEAH, IT SUCKS TO BE ME RIGHT NOW. I AM NOT LIKING IT ONE LITTLE BIT. I JUST WANNA SAY STOP THE MOTHERFUCKING WORLD BECAUSE I WANNA GET OFF.
BUT HEY, TOMORROWS A NEW DAY AND ALL THAT JAZZ? WHATEVA!
FOR TONIGHT, I NEED TO JUST SIT, WOOPS I NEARLY WROTE I NEED TO JUST SHIT, ROFL OK I AM HILARIOUS HHAHAAHAHA, BUT REALLY I NEED TO JUST SIT AND BREATHE.
an innocent kiss
thats all it is
between a father and his daughter
why then do I think of my abuser?
i feel so ashamed
for equating the two
and my mind wants to say
this abuse from the abuser
didnt ever happen to you
stop making up lies
but you remember!
you can never forget
and all of these memories were all sparked
by just one innocent kiss
Helping someone is what life is all about.