I will be doing a series of audio blogs about did, our did system, our abuse history, etc, and they will be password protected

I will be recording a series of audio blogs about did and they will contain details of our did system, of our abuse, alter intros, along with other little bits and snippets, these will be passworded so if you’d like the password so that you can hear them please let me know by commenting here and i will email it to you.

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good morning or is it?

I finally got to sleep at around 5 AM. Got about 2 hours I’d say. Mom called at 7:15. It was lucky she did or otherwise I might not have woken up. I got up and dressed and had my coffee and am now anxiously waiting for my taxi to pick me up to go see dr. Barry.
I have a knot in my stomach. Its like this huge ball of fear and anxiousness. The tension is massive. I just hope I can make it through this morning.

DONE, I’M DONE!

FUCK IT I AM DONE I AM SO OVER SHIT NIGHTS AND SHIT DAYS FLASHBACKS THEY ARE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE I’M SO DONE WITH THEM OH MY GOD SO SOOO DONE SO OVER THEM I AM JUST IN A RAGE I AM ANGRY AT MY ABUSERS HOW DARE THEY TAKE SO MUCH FROM ME MY CHILDHOOD MY INNOCENCE MY SPIRIT BUT GUESS WHAT FUCKERS I STILLL HAVE MY DETERMINATION AND I STILL HAVE HOPE AND I STILL HAVE FIGHT IN ME AND GOD BUT YOUR NOT GONNA WIN THIS WAR I WILL WIN IF I HAVET TO DO A LOT TO TAKE YOU DOWN THEN I WILL YOU WILL NOT WIN THIS FIGHT YOU HAVE HELD ME CAPTIVE FOR FAR TOO LONG NO MORE NO MORE YOU HEAR ME? FUCK OFF, GO TO HELL, JUST LEAVE US ALONE ALL OF YOU ABUSERS, FLASHBACKS, MEMORIES, TRAUMA, GO THE FUCK AWAY.
LIZ

Poetry, survival

Ice cold and numb to the bone

Trying to survive this all alone

Flashes of fright before my eyes

Cant get away from the bad guys

Seizing me in my dreams at night

I am unable even then to take flight

My response always seems the same

Inflicting pain, accepting the shame

I cant believe that I had no control then

I place my thoughts on the should have been

Why did I not once fight back, i wonder

Anger inside like rolling thunder

For all that happened I must blame me

Fault is placed on who its got to be

They are innocent and should be loved

Loyalty puts all above

Doesnt matter what they did

Doesnt matter I was just a kid

Its only right I give them all

Including my life, as to my knees I fall

I remain led by the fires light

As to my soul they hold tight

I give to them what they do not deserve

And for myself leave nothing in reserve

carol anne

Rock botto

swirling and spinning

quickly downward

nothing to grip onto

the hole seems endless

yet i have a sense of rock bottom

and i think i’m about to hit it

i brace myself for the collision

but i am tugged away by voices

my mind can’t prepare

and combat hallucinations

enter the flashbacks

on top of the voices

memories stabbing my heart

suddenly i hit the ground

the fall is hard

my arms out to brace myself

now bleed in a self injurious way

this is the bottom

its a familiar place

i’ve been here many times before

and i know that unless i get help

the right sort of help

i’ll be here again

Carol anne

Hopeless

i feel sad and hopeless. my heart just hurts. someone please sit with me. i am scared. lonely and scared and sad and feeling afraid and alone and like its hard to breathe. i need a friend. i need someone to love me. i am remembering lots of bad things and feeling gross and disgusting and like i am bad and unlovable and like everyone hates me.
allie

stupid dumb poem by allie

slowly ticks the clock
the sound seems to mock
we’d go to bed but we forgot
memories make our brain rot
sun down to sun up we sit
thinking and thinking on it
the moon peaking in
reminds us of blood and sin
nightly torture deep in the past
so many years ago.. but it lasts
no way to shut off our mind
so day after day you’ll find
insomnia

allie