lazy sunday sleep, therapy and other random things

i feel like i have done absolutely nothing today. i’ve just been a lazy slob.

am I entitled to a lazy day? Rationally I know I am. I’ll be busy for the rest of the week. My weekend is my down time.

But I wanted to do college work this weekend. Its not like I dont have any to do, I have lots. I could be working on reading my two books, I have to review them, comparing and contrasting them. I am reading beautiful boy and tweak, beautiful boy is written by a father about his son who is a heroin addict, and tweak is written by the son, the addict.

I could be doing my community project review. Even though that has to be in on January 9th, and I have plenty of time to do it, I have none of it done. I should really get cracking on that. And or I could be doing my journal of learning for the addictions module part of my class. I am behind on that, too.

so yeah there is lots I could be doing. Instead I lay in bed late this morning…sleeping. It could be argued that sleep is important and I must have needed to catch up on my sleep. And yes technically I did.

It wasnt like I didnt try to wake up early. I got up at 6\:30 and showered. I fed and let nitro out. But then I went back to bed, I couldnt keep my eyes open. That was at 7:30. And I did not get up again until 10:30. And even then I didnt want to move from under the comfy duvet.

I pottered around the house, made a cup of coffee, check my email and downloaded some stuff a friend sent me. Then I got ready because my sister was picking me up at 1. We went to our parents for dinner. And I am staying here tonight. I decided after dinner I needed to go to the grocery store to get grease proof paper to wrap my xmas cake and tinfoil also to wrap up the cake. I also needed whisky as I decided to soak the fruit in alcohol before I put it in the cake. Overall it is costing me quite a lot to make the cake, the ingredients were about 30 euro for everything that I needed. I dont mind though and I am just so excited to make it and ice it. It feels like I am making a special contribution to our familys xmas this year.

I was going to go to my aunts tonight with mom, well that is if she is going, she doesnt know yet as she is waiting for my aunt to text her, but after thinking about it I decided I wouldnt go out, I am still tired and I just want to chill out and watch x factor and be lazy again, haha.

Therapy is tomorrow morning. Whatever happens I need to discuss the did reassessment with eileen. So I will plan on doing that, but I know some other insiders are needing time to talk also. Last night I ordered a book for eileen to read to the kids. Its called today I feel silly and other moods and its by jamie lee curtis. I think it will be good to have something new that she can read to the littles. The last book we got was called in my heart and was also about feelings and she recorded herself reading that to them and we have that and its very comforting.

She likes to read to the littles and they love it when she does that for them.

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Having desperate anxiety

I’m having desperate anxiety tonight. I think I’ll go downstairs and have a cup of tea. And talk to a staff member about how I am feeling see if that doesnt help. The anxiety is crippling me.
I cant take it. I feel like I’m suffocating.
carol anne

I will be doing a series of audio blogs about did, our did system, our abuse history, etc, and they will be password protected

I will be recording a series of audio blogs about did and they will contain details of our did system, of our abuse, alter intros, along with other little bits and snippets, these will be passworded so if you’d like the password so that you can hear them please let me know by commenting here and i will email it to you.

good morning or is it?

I finally got to sleep at around 5 AM. Got about 2 hours I’d say. Mom called at 7:15. It was lucky she did or otherwise I might not have woken up. I got up and dressed and had my coffee and am now anxiously waiting for my taxi to pick me up to go see dr. Barry.
I have a knot in my stomach. Its like this huge ball of fear and anxiousness. The tension is massive. I just hope I can make it through this morning.

DONE, I’M DONE!

FUCK IT I AM DONE I AM SO OVER SHIT NIGHTS AND SHIT DAYS FLASHBACKS THEY ARE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE I’M SO DONE WITH THEM OH MY GOD SO SOOO DONE SO OVER THEM I AM JUST IN A RAGE I AM ANGRY AT MY ABUSERS HOW DARE THEY TAKE SO MUCH FROM ME MY CHILDHOOD MY INNOCENCE MY SPIRIT BUT GUESS WHAT FUCKERS I STILLL HAVE MY DETERMINATION AND I STILL HAVE HOPE AND I STILL HAVE FIGHT IN ME AND GOD BUT YOUR NOT GONNA WIN THIS WAR I WILL WIN IF I HAVET TO DO A LOT TO TAKE YOU DOWN THEN I WILL YOU WILL NOT WIN THIS FIGHT YOU HAVE HELD ME CAPTIVE FOR FAR TOO LONG NO MORE NO MORE YOU HEAR ME? FUCK OFF, GO TO HELL, JUST LEAVE US ALONE ALL OF YOU ABUSERS, FLASHBACKS, MEMORIES, TRAUMA, GO THE FUCK AWAY.
LIZ

Poetry, survival

Ice cold and numb to the bone

Trying to survive this all alone

Flashes of fright before my eyes

Cant get away from the bad guys

Seizing me in my dreams at night

I am unable even then to take flight

My response always seems the same

Inflicting pain, accepting the shame

I cant believe that I had no control then

I place my thoughts on the should have been

Why did I not once fight back, i wonder

Anger inside like rolling thunder

For all that happened I must blame me

Fault is placed on who its got to be

They are innocent and should be loved

Loyalty puts all above

Doesnt matter what they did

Doesnt matter I was just a kid

Its only right I give them all

Including my life, as to my knees I fall

I remain led by the fires light

As to my soul they hold tight

I give to them what they do not deserve

And for myself leave nothing in reserve

carol anne

Rock botto

swirling and spinning

quickly downward

nothing to grip onto

the hole seems endless

yet i have a sense of rock bottom

and i think i’m about to hit it

i brace myself for the collision

but i am tugged away by voices

my mind can’t prepare

and combat hallucinations

enter the flashbacks

on top of the voices

memories stabbing my heart

suddenly i hit the ground

the fall is hard

my arms out to brace myself

now bleed in a self injurious way

this is the bottom

its a familiar place

i’ve been here many times before

and i know that unless i get help

the right sort of help

i’ll be here again

Carol anne