i cant do this. im a hopeless case.
he said so. he said im bad. a lost cause.
i need to die. i need to end it.
he said so. he said it would be for the best.
im just taking up space in this world. space that i dont deserve.
why did he have to email me?
well I’ve achieved a few of my goals today so far.
I ate a healthy breakfast and lunch
set up a new computer
supported two friends who were struggling
I have a couple more things on my list that I want to complete before the day is out.
I did something awful. I’m so ashamed of what just happened.
I was sleeping soundly. I went to bed at 11 pm and I went into a deep sleep.
well, I just woke up, soaked. I had peed in my sleep. I never ever do that!
I am so ashamed. So embarrassed.
I had to take off my wet pajamas and hang it up. I hope the staff wont say anything. The sheets are wet now.
This has hpappened before when little insiders were out. We have had accidents and have not been able to hold it. All I can think is a very young insider was out when this happened.
Its not a pleasant experience.
Just feeling bad right now.
we might not get to therapy on monday. i hope we do.
otherwise i’ll be sad. i need to see eileen. i miss her.
i’m worried about her, i hope she’s ok in the storm.
i emailed her but i dont know if she saw it.
our dad said the snow might not be gone by monday and if it isnt we’d have to cancel and that she’d understand if we do.
but i really really dont want to cancel. so please pray we dont have to.
during our therapy session this week a new insider showed up. we’ve been losing time lately. over the weekend we lost a chunk of time. eileen was wondering why but i said i didnt know. but it was concerning to me.
does anyone know, she asked.
i shrugged, i dont know.
can you check inside? so i tried, but no one was talking. no ones saying anything, i told eileen.
she said she would welcome whoever it was to come out and talk to her. do you think they might, she asked? i am not sure, i guess so.
then all of a sudden things started to go fuzzy. i felt myself slipping away. i felt younger. i felt spacy and like i was fading. it felt so surreal.
my face must have showed it too. eileen started to speak softly. hi? i watched in a kinda dissociative fog.
hi was the response, a timid, shy hi.
what is your name, eileen asked? brooke. how old are you? 7, she said.
they started to talk. so you were out this weekend brooke?
yes. do you know why you had to come out?
to blank everything out…i had to stop the feelings, i had to make them ok…
oh i see, were you worried they wouldnt be ok?
yes! its scary. they get upset and then they get sad and i dont like it, the sad scares me…
she started to cry. you want a hug, eileen asked.
yeah, but you gotta come here, i dont wanna get up cuz im scared…
eileen came over and wrapped her arms around us. there there. its ok. your going to be ok. you were so brave. you are very very brave.
brooke just cried softly. i dont feel brave, i just feel scared…
she sat cuddled into eileen for about 10 minutes. i like you, your safe, she said softly.
I like you too, eileen said.
i gotta go back inside now eileen, i am tired, can i get a hug from you again soon?
of course you can, any time, eileen said softly.
and with that brooke was gone. and when I emerged back into the body, I felt confused, and a little bit sad.
lucky for me I had eileen to fill me in on what happened.
I SAT OPPOSITE EILEEN, STARING AT THE FLOOR. NOT KNOWING WHAT TO SAY NEXT. WE’D JUST TALKED ABOUT MY SEVERE DEPRESSION, THAT WAS HARD.
PIXIE, CAN YOU LOOK AT ME?
I CANT, EILEEN, I, I, I CANT…
OK THEN, BUT CAN YOU LISTEN TO WHAT I AM GOING TO SAY NEXT?
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO A GOOD LIFE
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE FUN
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO LIVE
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO BE
YOU HAVE A RIGHT TO YOUR FEELINGS
YOU HAVE RIGHTS, PIXIE
YOU ARE A PERSON IN YOUR OWN RIGHT, WITH RIGHTS.
ME, SAYING NOTHING, STILL LOOKING AT THE FLOOR…
DO YOU HEAR ME PIXIE? CAN YOU HEAR ME?
YES, I SAY QUIETLY.
EILEEN PLACES A HAND GENTLY ON MY KNEE…HOW DOES IT FEEL TO HEAR ME SAY THAT TO YOU?
I CANT ANSWER. I’M CRYING NOW. TEARS FALL AS I SOB.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT I DIDNT HAVE THE RIGHT TO EXIST…
todays been pretty chill. i slept in late. i didnt care as i had nothing that i needed to be doing.
when i woke up i made myself some toast and a fruit salad with some greek yogurt on top. i ate that and then got ready to go visit my friend.
she just moved into a new house. i hadnt seen it so i was going to see the house and her also.
i stayed for about 2 hours. her house is lovely. its small and compact. but its just what she needed. it suits her I think.
she’s happy there and thats the most important thing.
i just got home a little bit ago, fed nitro, made some coffee and now i’m relaxing for the rest of this evening.
i have some pasta salad left which i’ll have for dinner in a little while. the voice is on tv tonight. i will watch that. and i’m going to read for a while later as well.
i hope your all having a nice saturday. what did you do today?