A timely reminder…

Sometimes I punish myself for having unproductive days but then I’m reminded that I’m only human and breaks are necessary. Don’t feel guilty for putting something on pause temporarily while you reconnect with yourself and find a balance. Remember, your mental health comes first.
Meggan Roxanne

Now I feel so guilty ug!

I had a moment of weakness, and I ordered take away food for my lunch. I am not pleased that I caved and gave in to my cravings!
I wish I hadn’t eaten it now! I feel so guilty!
I suppose all I can do now is move on. Start fresh from now. Try to do the next right thing. Try to focus again!
Has anyone got some words of wisdom for me?
Words of encouragement even?
I could so use them! Why is it always so easy to give in!
I really, really need to work harder on saying no to cravings!

triggered by my sister and my niece

kids, i’m glad i dont have any sometimes. like right now.

my niece just got sent to bed. she’d been arguing with her brother, tormenting him, making him cry, he’s four, she’s nine…

so my sister got tired of it and shouted at her and sent her to bed. she put up a fight but now she’s in bed. and still from bed she’s causing trouble, she put a chair against the door so no one can get into the room.

so why then do i feel bad for her?

i guess i feel bad because my sisters shouting at her triggered something in me. fear. it triggered me back to a place of fear, fear when i’d be yelled at for something small.

i know my sister has a right to discipline her and she should, i’m not saying that she shouldnt, i’m just saying it triggered me and makes me feel like i should do something to help her somehow.

i wont, but i wish i could. but i do realise she has to learn. there are consequences for her actions. and misbehaving and making her four year old brother cry is not nice.

granted he’s not an angel either, but tonight she’s been particularly feisty and mean spirited.

I hope tomorrows better, thats all I can say.

talking through the tough stuff in therapy

i have therapy tomorrow. i’m nervous. i shouldnt be, but i am. i cant help it. there is some tough stuff that i need to discuss. mainly it is about the rape we went through last easter. the rape that ended us up in the hospital, in the psych ward for our birthday and easter and the trauma we went through after it, examinations, reporting to the police, etc. talking with dr barry today about the report she did up for the investigation has led to me being seriously triggered tonight. earlier i could not find words to say how i felt. i emailed eileen and just said i am having real trouble finding my voice. i know she will understand what i mean. but then later i did manage to write again to her and talk a little bit about what caused me to shut down and about how i felt. i know we need to go deeper with it though in therapy. discuss it more than we have which isnt very much at all. i dont know why i’m so scared. i trust eileen. i feel safe with her. i know she’ll understand. and empathise and be compassionate. so why am i so hesitant, scared, afraid to let it out? its baffling to me. but i really do need to try. and i will i guess. the thing is my memory surrounding that time is foggy sometimes, but then during flashbacks it isnt. more weirdness. i wish things werent so complicated and were more clear and i wish too that i was just able to feel my damn feelings and not this roller coaster of emotions and then nothing for a long time and then back to full on freak out mode again. its really throwing me for a loop. i hope tomorrow goes well. if i am brave enough i’ll bring it up that is if there is time. other insiders want time so i am not sure what will come out of that or if i will have much time during the session. i suppose i could always flag it at the beginning, say i need some of the session time. and i may just do that too.