#socs feeling grounded

Your Friday prompt for Stream of Consciousness Saturday is ground. Use it as a noun or a verb in any tense (i.e. grind). Have fun!

******
As I sit
I feel grounded
My surroundings
Feel nice
Warm, safe
I feel loved
By my mom
My dog
My friends
I am comforted
Feels so good to feel secure
Safe
Loved
A warm hot soak
In a bath
Of bubbles
A hot cup of tea
Comforting words
A warm embrace
All things that
Ground me to the present
And that my friends
Is amazing!

http://lindaghill.com/2019/10/11/the-friday-reminder-and-prompt-for-socs-oct-12-19/

therapy, being present

TODAY IN THERAPY I GOT TO CHAT TO EILEEN AND WE TALKED ABOUT BEING PRESENT IN YOUR BODY. THATS SUPER HARD FOR US. WE DONT DO WELL WITH THAT AT ALL. SHE HAD ME WALK AROUND THE ROOM, SO I COULD GROUND MYSELF AND ORIENTATE MYSELF TO HER OFFICE. USUALLY SHE GUIDES ME BUT TODAY SHE HAD ME WALK AROUND ON MY OWN. SHE TOLD ME TO TOUCH EVERYTHING, SO I DID. THAT WAS GOOD. COMFORTING. AND IT DID HELP TO ORIENTATE ME. I FELT SAFE. COMFORTED BY ALL OF THE THINGS IN HER OFFICE. WHEN I SAT BACK DOWN WE TALKED ABOUT MY BODY AND BECOMING AWARE OF IT. EVEN THOUGH WE’RE AN ADULT NOW, WE’RE NOT CONSCIOUSLY BODY AWARE. EILEEN SAID WE’RE AFRAID TO INHABIT OUR BODY. I THINK I AGREE. WE ARE SO AFRAID OF OUR BODY. SO I STOOD UP AGAIN AND WE DID A FEW EXERCISES WHERE SHE HAD ME NOTICE THE DIFFERENT MUSCLE ROUPS THAT ARE HOLDING UP MY LEGS, ARMS ETC. THAT WAS WEIRD. I MEAN I WAS ABLE TO DO IT, BUT IT JUST FELT WEIRD SOMEHOW. IT WAS INTERESTING TO ME TO DO THIS. WE TALKED ABOUT MINDFULNESS AND SHE GAVE ME SOME HOMEWORK FOR THE WEEK. SHE TOLD ME TO TRY TO COME MORE INTO THE PRESENT, AND IF I FEEL MYSELF DISSOCIATING TO DO SOMETHING TO BRING MYSELF BACK TO THE PRESENT. EASIER SAID THAN DONE BUT I SAID I’D TRY IT. SO I WILL. IT WAS A GOOD SESSION. THAT WASNT THE WHOLE SESSION BUT IF OTHERS WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEIR PART I’LL LET THEM WRITE ABOUT IT SEPARATELY. I KINDA GOT PUSHED OUT OF THE WAY DURING THE SESSION BY TAYLOR THE LITTLE QUIRT. SHE JUST POPPED OUT ALL OF A SUDDEN AFTER WE DID THE BODYWORK. I THINK SHE FELT A LITTLE SPOOKED BY IT. I DIDNT MIND REALLY. SHE NEEDED EILEENS COMFORT JUST AS MUCH AS I DID.

Can you help me reach my target?

hi everyone
I am fundraising for some tech stuff to enable me to be more independent at home. I’d really appreciate it if people could either donate to my cause, or reblog this post for me or share it on twitter or fb.
I’d be so grateful if you could any amount helps!
My info for the fundraiser is below!

I’m starting off small, but can edit the goal as I need to. Any help appreciated thanks guys!

https://www.youcaring.com/shirleyhealy-872040

A loaded therapy session

ITS LIZ AND I DECIDED TO WRITE ABOUT OUR THERAPY SESSION TODAY. WE HAD A PRETTY LOADED SESSION. 3 OF US WERE OUT DURING IT. IT WAS SORT OF A SWITCH FEST LOL. THERE WAS ME, WENDY AND THEN CAROL ANNE FOR ALL OF 2 MINUTES AT THE END. WE’VE HAD A PRETTY HARD FEW DAYS. WENDY WAS CONTACTED BY A PAST ABUSER LAST WEEK. HE WANTED HER TO GO MEET HIM AND SHE ALMOST DID. LUCKILY AT THE LAST MINUTE SOMONE ELSE INSIDE PERSUADED HER TO TURN AROUND AND GO BACK HOME. AT THIS POINT SHE WAS IN THE TAXI AND ALL ON THE WAY TO MEET THIS GUY. IT WAS ALL JUST VERY SCARY. WENDYS JOB BEFORE DURING THE ABUSE WAS TO BE SEXUAL AND COME OUT WHILE THE SEX WAS HAPPENING. SHE IS STILL PULLED TOWARDS THOSE SORT OF BEHAVIOURS. SHE KNOWS ITS DANGEROUS BUT ITS AN AUTOMATIC REACTION FOR HER. SHE ISNT DOING IT TO PUT US IN DANGER OR TRY TO BE NASTY AND MEAN. SHE REALLY CANT HELP IT ITS KIND OF INBUILT INTO HER MIND TO JUST ACT AND REACT. SO EILEEN AND HER TALKED TODAY ABOUT IT AND WENDY GOT VERY UPSET AND WAS CRYING. SHE ASKED EILEEN WHY IT WAS THAT SHE ALWAYS MESSES UP AND EILEEN REASSURED HER THAT SHE HADNT, THAT SHE DIDNT ACTUALLY MEET THIS GUY, SO THAT WAS GREAT PROGRESS BECAUSE A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO SHE WOULD HAVE JUST GONE TO MEET HIM AND SHE WOULDNT HAVE CARED WHAT THE CONSEQUENCES WERE. SHE HAD A VERY VULNERABLE MOMENT IN THERAPY TODAY WHEN EILEEN AND HER WERE TALKING. EILEEN KEPT SAYING SHE WAS HERE FOR HER AND WANTED TO SUPPORT HER AND WENDY WAS SITTING THERE KIND OF NOT KNOWING HOW TO TAKE IN THE LOVE AND SUPPORT BECAUSE SHE ISNT USED TO IT. THEN SHE WAS LIKE I NEED TO BE ABLE TO CONNECT WITH YOU EILEEN AND THEN EILEEN CAME OVER AND SAT NEXT TO HER AND HELD HER HAND. SHE KEPT REASSURING HER YOUR OK YOU’LL BE OK I AM HERE. WENDY HAD BEEN FEELING SUICIDAL OVER THE WEEKEND. EILEEN AND HER TALKED THROUGH HER FEELINGS ABOUT THAT TODAY AS WELL. I ALSO HAD TO TALK TO EILEEN BECAUSE I GOT VERY ANGRY TOWARDS WENDY AND I WAS REALLY MEAN TO HER BECAUSE I WAS PISSED THAT THIS GUY HAD CONTACTED HER AND I WAS EVEN MORE PISSED THAT SHE WAS GOING TO GO MEET HIM AND PUT US ALL IN DANGER OF BEING ABUSED AND HURT. SO MY ANGER GOT THE BEST OF ME AND I SCREAMED AND SHOUTED AND RANTED AT HER. I CALLED HER A BUNCH OF NAMES AND I TOLD HER THAT SHE COULD DO WHATEVER SHE WANTED THAT I DIDNT CARE, BUT THE TRUTH WAS OF COURSE I CARED, SHE IS IN MY SYSTEM INSIDE I AM IN CHARGE OF HER AND I WAS FEELING BAD THAT I COULDNT MANAGE MY SYSTEM, I COULDNT KEEP CONTROL. THAT WAS THE MAIN REASON I WAS ANGRY AND I DISCUSSED THAT TODAY WITH EILEEN. EILEEN HAD ME DO SOME EXERCISES TO SHAKE OUT THE ANGER OUT OF MY BODY. I STOOD UP AND MOVED ABOUT KIND OF LIKE DANCING AND EILEEN DID IT TOO. I USED MY ARMS AND SHOOK THEM OUT FLAPPING MY WRISTS AND STUFF, IT KIND OF FELT AWKWARD AT THE START BUT EILEEN SAID IT WAS TOTALLY OK TO DO IT. I TOLD HER I WASNT USED TO DOING IT AND SHE SAID SHE COULD SEE THAT. AFTER DOING THAT WE SAT DOWN AND WE DID SOME BREATH WORK TO RELEASE MORE OF MY ANGER. I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS AND HAD GREAT DIFFICULTY TALKING AND EXPLAINING HOW I WAS FEELING. EVENTUALLY I DID MANAGE TO TALK A LOT BUT IT TOOK ABOUT 15 MINUTES FOR ME TO COME AROUND. THERE IS A YOUNGER VERSION OF ME INSIDE, HER NAME IS LITTLE LIZ AND SHE IS 5. SHE ALWAYS TALKS IN THE THIRD PERSON AND ALWAYS ABOUT ME, LIKE, SHE WILL SAY LIZ IS MAD, LIZ IS TIRED, LIZ IS ANGRY, BUT SHE ISNT TALKING ABOUT HER SHE USUALLY IS TALKING ABOUT ME AND HER MAIN JOB IS TO WARN PEOPLE ABOUT MY EMOTIONAL STATE. TODAY SHE GOT ACTIVATED AND EILEEN WAS REALLY GOOD, SHE TOLD HER TO GO INSIDE AND REST AND SHE DID AN EXERCISE WHERE SHE TUCKED HER IN AND COMFORTED HER UNTIL SHE WAS CALM. IT WAS A PRETTY TOUGH SESSION ALL AROUND. I ASKED EILEEN IF WE COULD TALK ABOUT HER GIVING US A TRANSITIONAL OBJECT WHILE WE’RE ON RESPITE NEXT WEEK AND WHILE WE’RE ON BREAK, AND SHE SAID SURE WE COULD DO THAT. I THINK I’LL ASK FOR HER TO DO ANOTHER RECORDING WHERE SHE READS A BOOK TO THE KIDS. ITS VERY SOOTHEING TO US TO HEAR HER READ. WE ALSO TALKED ABOUT OUT OF SESSION CONTACT, SHE TOLD ME THAT IF I NEEDED TO TALK DURING THE WEEK TO JUST SAY SO IN AN EMAIL AND SHE’D RING ME BACK. SHE SAID ITS OK TO REACH OUT BECAUSE SOMETIMES I WILL NEED MORE CONTACT THAN JUST MY SESSION AND SHE IS WILLING TO OFFER THAT. I ASKED HER WHAT IF WE REACHED OUT TO OFTEN AND TOO MUCH AND SHE SAID WE’D TALK ABOUT IT BUT THAT SHE KNEW WE WOULDNT ABUSE HER OFFER. AT THE END OF THE SESSION SHE TOLD ME AGAIN TO TEXT HER IF I NEEDED ANYTHING AND JUST ASK HER TO CALL ME. ITS NICE TO KNOW I CAN DO THAT. SHE IS SO KIND TO OFFER OUT OF SESSION CONTACT. WE DONT EVEN HAVE TO PAY HER FOR IT. SHE DOES THIS OFF OF HER OWN TIME. SO YEAH PRETTY TIRED NOW PROBABLY WILL NAP FOR A COUPLE HOURS THIS AFTERNOON.

Virus-free. www.avast.com

Processing in therapy

So today during therapy we processed a memory. That was hard but not as hard as we thought it would be.

We did EMDR and used the pulsers. To think when I started with Eileen one of the first things I said to her was dont ever try EMDR on me. I hate it. How wrong I was. Its actually wonderful and she makes the experience feel great.

I also told her that I couldnt do mindfulness due to my dissociation. Another thing I got so terribly wrong. What I did today was mindfulness. I tracked the reactions in my body. I noticed them and I didnt fall apart.

We talked about a memory of being 8 years old. Of being taken to rituals in a van. Of my legs and arms being tied up and of me being powerless. Eileen asked me, what did that make you feel about yourself?

I said like I didnt have a choice. That they could do whatever they wanted to me, I was powerless and helpless and had no choice. She asked me on a scale of 1 to 7 if 7 was that I firmly believed that I had a choice and 1 was that I didnt where do I see myself now? I said I saw myself at around a 2 or 3. Its hard for me to believe now that I do have a choice now, as an adult.

So we worked with that. We worked with EMDR to break the belief that I dont have choices now. That was so powerful.

Eileen asked me what was different now too back then? I was able to come up with a couple of things. 1 I didnt know her back then. 2 it was a different year. 3 I’m an adult now, not 8 years old. I have autonomy now.

Just thinking about those things I was like wow!

We talked about safety and dissociation and how we can put a plan in place around our safety especially around past abusers and recontact from them.

It was a good session. And we processed a memory using EMDR and it wasnt as hard as I thought it would be!