Sad news. I lost another client

Yesterday afternoon I went volunteering, as i normally do. My supervisor picked me up. On the way there, she gave me some bad news. Actually it wasnt just bad news, it was quite shocking.
She told me that one of our clients had died. She was 72 years old. She died last Thursday evening, what had happened was, on Friday afternoon I had tried to call her and I didnt get through to her. So I told my supervisor that I didnt manage to get through. My supervisor thought she might be sleeping as she did that sometimes in the afternoon. So we thought no more of it and we said we’d try again on Monday.
On Saturday morning my supervisor was at home and she had to look up a website about funeral arrangements for a family member. She scrolled to the section for cork, and there before her eyes, the clients name appeared. Of course she was immediately in shock. She immediately called the clients next of kin to see what had happened to her.
What happened is quite morbid, but I will tell you anyway. On thursday evening the client fell down the stairs, backwards. She lay there on the floor all night, we arent sure if she was killed upon falling, or if she lay there for a while still alive. On friday morning, a passer by saw some blood coming out from under her door, and they called the police, and when the police went there they found her dead.
Of course we’re all in shock. She’d been a client of friendly call for the past 8 years. My supervisor took it really hard as she’d been visiting her one to one for a while as well as having her be on the phone service. I’m actually also in shock myself about it. The fact of how it happened, it is very disturbing to me.
You just really never know from day to day what is going to happen to you do you? I mean we talked to her on Thursday, she was fine, then this happened to her that night. Its very disturbing. She had a lot of serious mental health issues, and she was very hard work, but despite all that, none of us wanted anything like this to happen to her. Its just awful. So that was what I faced yesterday. I wasnt ok for the entire afternoon after hearing it. It really effected me deeply.
I’m a little bit better today. After a long chat about it to dr. barry I feel much better. I am reminded though of just how precious life really is. And also of how my work can and does really impact me on a deep level. I love my work, but I hate losing clients, and this is the second client who I’ve lost in the space of 2 months.

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Old poetry

gripped by fear
she falls apart
tries to self soothe
nothing works
the flashbacks overcome her
vomiting for a whole hour
till her stomach is empty of everything
screaming silently
as a nurse holds her shaking body
is this how it is going to be forever?

A special anniversary date

Today August 24th is my grandads birthday. If he was alive he would have been 85. He died 3 years ago though.

I still miss him every day. Today I will think of him. And I will send a quick prayer up to him up in heaven, to let him know I miss him and love him.

RIP grandad bill, you were one in a million.
carol anne

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A CONFESSION, IT WAS ME

I HAVE A CONFESSION TO MAKE. IT WAS ME WHO STOCKPILED OUR MEDS. I WAS GOING TO TAKE ALL OF THEM. I FELT SO SUICIDAL. I JUST FELT SO LOW, SO SO LOW. I WAS STOCKPILING THEM FOR A FEW WEEKS. PROBABLY SINCE THE END OF FEBRUARY. IF IT HADNT BEEN FOR NITRO GETTING SICK AND U S GOING HOME EARLY TO TAKE HIM TO THE VET, I’D HAVE TAKEN THEM ALL. WE’D BE DEAD NOW. AND NOW THAT I’VE HAD TIME TO THINK ON IT, I’M SO HAPPY WE’RE NOT. I’M SO THANKFUL TO NITRO. IT IS ONLY BECAUSE OF HIM THAT WE ARE HERE RIGHT NOW. AND IT IS ONLY BECAUSE OF HIM GETTING ILL THAT CAROL ANNE REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT OUR SITUATION AND PULLED US OUT OF THE ILS COURSE. SO THANKS CAROL ANNE ALSO. BUT MOST IMPORTANTLY THANK YOU NITRO. I’M SO GRATEFUL THAT IM STILL HERE. IF I EVER FEEL SO BAD AGAIN, I KNOW NOW TO REACH OUT. I KNOW THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CARE. PEOPLE I CAN TALK TOO. I DONT HAVE TO BE ALONE WITH MY GRIEF AND FEELINGS.
WILLOW

poetry

pain swirls
around me like a whirlwind
i sit and wait
wait for it to end
but it doesnt
it continues to make me crazy
i shake uncontrollably
i sit and whimper
that feeling of grief
of all that i’ve lost
it creeps up on me
before i can even see
or notice
pain, grief
its all the same
and i think
to myself
how i’m to blame