Visited my grammas and grandpas grave

Yesterday we visited my gramma and grandpas grave. They are buried in the same one. I usually don’t like going to grave yards, I mostly went for moms sake, mom really wanted to go. I am proud that I faced my fears and went. It was nice. I said some prayers and spent a little time just talking to my gramma and grandpa. We got flowers and put them on the grave. We bought lillies, roses and some other ones not sure of what they were. The grave yard where they are buried is a very old grave yard. There are graves in there going as far back as the early 1800’s. We walked around and looked at a few of them. I don’t know why but grave yards always spook me. There are some houses near this one, and I was telling mom I’d hate to live alongside a grave yard. I’d be terrified. Anyway I am glad we went. Its not often I visit their graves. It was nice to do that and then go back to the lake that is nearby and feed the ducks and swans and have drinks. Doing that made it a little easier as I knew we’d be doing something fun afterwords.

Middle of the night ramble

Good morning gang!

Its 5 AM. I woke up at 4:30. I couldn't sleep any more. So I got up. I decided I'd slept for long enough, even though in reality I only slept from 1 AM onwards. I decided I didn't need any more sleep. 3 hours was enough.

I woke up bright eyed and bushy tailed. Feeling surprisingly good. I even feel a little bit energised. It feels nice. I'm feeling very happy.

Today mom and me and moms sister are going to go visit my grammas and grandads grave, and take flowers to them. Its my moms mom, and dad. So really we're visiting both of them.

I haven't been at the grave in a while. I usually don't really like to go there. But something told me that I should go today. Mom wanted to, so I said I'd tag along. Maybe when I am there I will ask my nana and grandad to help me with the feelings and the deep depression and suicidal thoughts we're having lately.

I don't pray a lot, but today I think I'll say a few prayers to them.

After we finish at the graveside, we're going to a local lake, and we'll go walking around it. If you walk around the perimeter of the lake its 1 mile. We're planning on walking around it maybe 3 or 4 times. So I will definitely get my exercise in today.

Other than that it will be a quiet day I think. I don't have any other plans today, or for the rest of the weekend actually. I'm kinda thinking I might go visit norma tomorrow, for those who are wondering, norma is my friend, she's blind, and has mental health difficulties, and we are really good friends. I visit her a lot, she's a client of friendly call too. I am the one who referred her to them.

Well I hope you all have a good weekend! At the lake we're going to, there are a lot of ducks, so I may get nice pictures of us feeding them, or of me standing by them. If I do I'll be sure to post some of them here!

Well happy Saturday all!

Memories of my gramma

So today while cleaning out a drawer I found a folder. In it I found letters that my gramma wrote to me when I was 9 years old. So they are 30 years old. I found 3 letters. I got mom to read them to me. It was bittersweet. I was moved to tears by what she said in them. She said she wished she could come to my school to visit me, but that she felt too unwell to make the long journey there. But she hoped some day she’d be able to come. She never did. She suffered from severe and prolonged depression all of her life. She would spend weeks and months in bed. I always remember that about her I remember going to visit her at weekends and sitting with her and we’d watch old movies and chat. I miss her so much. She died when I was 14, she died from breast cancer that spread all over her body. Finding those letters today brought back a lot to me. In them she was telling me about family, and in each of them she said she enclosed 2 pounds, that was a lot of money back in 1989, I remember having money to go to the store and buy candy, and all of my friends in school were jealous of me. I do remember her also writing to me when I was in school and staff reading out the letters to me. I’m so glad I kept them. Having them is so important to me. It helps me feel connected and close to my gramma, who I loved dearly.



my mood is kind of dipping. i can feel it. i feel dispondent. agitated too. and irritated. i snapped at my dad. he annoyed me. he is so OCD about everything. That irritates me when I am not in a good mood. Mom went to her moms grave with my sister. I asked her to buy me some fruit in lidles while she was out, I need fruit for the week. She said that wasnt a problem she’d do it for me. I feel bad that I couldnt go to my grammas grave, but I just couldnt do it. I just felt too depressed. Being at a grave side wouldnt be good for us right now. I can still talk to my gramma and say a prayer for her, i dont think you have to actually visit the grave to show your love for a deceased person. I surprised my niece today which did make me feel good. I gave her my old net book computer. I got a new computer recently and wasnt using this one so I thought she’d benefit from it. She was thrilled. Giving it to her and seeing her reaction did lift my mood for a little while. I cant believe the weekends almost over. Back to regular routine tomorrow, ILS course, and therapy as well.