So I have had a really fun time with my friend this afternoon. I spent a very nice 3 hours with her. We hung out and chatted. We basically put the world to rights. She had asked me if I wanted to have dinner with her but I had already left out chili so I didn’t take her up on that offer. I told her that maybe next time I visit her we could eat together.
Im wondering now whether I should go to bed and have an early night. Part of me says yes I should. Then part of me just wants to stay up for a while longer. Im not sure what I will do. I would like to read my book, so maybe I will just turn in for the night and do that.
Either way its been a nice day and I had a lovely time with my friend. I feel good and that’s a plus and a positive.
Happy Saturday everyone! How are you all doing!
Me I am fine. Feeling much better than I did last night. Which is nice!
I slept well which I am grateful for. Nitro slept well too! I think all that walking yesterday exhausted him! I did have to get up with him during the night though. He needed to go out. He came over and was peering into my face. So I got up and let him out and then we both fell back into a deep sleep.
I had weird dreams again though. I woke with a start a few times during the night. Luckily though I was able to go back to sleep again.
I am heading out this afternoon. I am going to my friend Normas house for a few hours. We’ll just hang out with each other and chat. I like doing that. Its nice to just hang out. I haven’t seen her in over 2 weeks now so it will be nice to catch up with her.
My mom and sister are going out too. They are bringing the kids to a local park. The weather is cooperating today, its dry, although tomorrow its meant to rain a lot here. And next week we are meant to get the tail end of hurricane Florence.
I am going to stay at mom and dads until Monday. I will go to therapy on Monday morning and in the afternoon my sister will drop me home.
Well that’s all for now. I have no more to say for now. Catch you all later.
So i found a solution to my not wanting to go in to the basement club on my own. My friend is going to go with me. She is also a member in the basement club. We are going to go in together on tuesday to meet the new team of staff. I am so glad she’s going in with me. It will make things a lot easier. We are going to share a taxi between us, and go in on tuesday at 11 AM, and then I’ll get a taxi to my volunteer job in the afternoon and I can drop her off home on the way to my volunteer job.
I dont know why I never thought of doing this sooner!
The friend whose going in with me is the one who actually suggested it to me. She said she wanted to go in to the basement club too and meet the new staff, but she was scared to go in on her own. So was I! So this will work I think!
So happy to have found a solution now! I can now look forward to going in! And meeting all the members and hopefully meeting and connecting with the staff too!
so i talked some in therapy today. we talked about how i miss my friends in jess’s system. i had good friends in her system and now i dont ever talk to them since they are in residential. i miss them so much. i feel sad that i cant talk to them when i want to. we used to email every day. we used to talk on the phone also. and of course we saw each other when we’d visit them in person too.
i told eileen that im afraid to let myself get close to another person or make friends in other systems because what if something happens and we dont talk, or what if something goes wrong.
eileen said its like being on an island, your alone on an island, surrounded by water, and afraid to reach out and connect with anyone. she said she knows im afraid but not doing it not connecting with others is cutting myself off from people.
she encouraged me to try to make some new friends. try to reach out. so i said i will try.
Emily, age 12
so in session with eileen this morning, we talked about my friend. about her overdose and about how that effected us.
and it seems it really effected us, a lot more than i actually thought. last week i pretty much panicked, i was going on autopilot, just doing what needed to be done at the time. i didnt think too much about the profound effect it had on me.
basically, when i told eileen what happened, how it happened, she said my friend was actually being very manipulative. because first of all, she texted me to say she’d overdosed, and that wasnt right, she should have at least rang me, not said what she’d done over a text. because, what if I didnt see it? What if I didnt respond right away. What if I only saw it many hours later? What then?
and then, not only did she text me to say she’d taken pills, but when i first told her to get help, she refused, she wouldnt ring her daughter, who is her next of kin, she wouldnt ring the ambulance herself, she said they might think she was seeking to get attention, she wouldnt go to A and E to be treated.
Yet she asked me to ring an ambulance for her. so eileen said obviously she didnt really want to die, but she didnt want the paramedics calling her out on what she did either. she wanted help, but she wanted someone else to get the help for her. which is fine i guess, but well, she could have chosen a better way to do that.
what she did left me with the responsibility of making sure she got help, making sure she was ok. i’m not ok with that. i dont like that the responsibility was put on me to do all that. i love her, and i am a good friend of hers, but I too have issues, mental health stuff going on, and I didnt need that level of responsibility. Not to mention how profoundly it effected my system.
so what to do now? I guess I should talk to her about it. I’m nervous to do that though. Eileen said if I dont it might be the elephant in the room for us. This weekend my friend thanked me for calling the ambulance for her, she said I’d saved her life. When I told eileen what she said to me about saving her life, eileen said thats an awful responsibility to have, to be responsible for saving another persons life. thats so true, it is. I couldnt agree more.
I’m not ready to discuss it with her yet though. I first have to think up how to put it to her because, I know she’s not going to react too well to what I have to say.
What do you think? Am I right to feel this way about it all? Would you feel similarly if it was you in the predicament?
I just got startled awake. By a cat of all things. I hear it meowing. It was so loud!
I actually felt a little bit afraid. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldnt so I got up and made a cup of tea.
I slept well last night though. When I got home from volunteering yesterday I ate dinner and then I went straight to bed. By that point I’d been up over 36 hours. So I was exhausted.
No plans for today except to go visit my friend norma. She has bought us pizza and garlic bread so we’ll have that, and just chat. It should be nice.
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Thank you, thank you!
You are loved! Shine on! You are unique and beautiful and its ok to be who you are!
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You are a bright light in our world, and thank you from all of us for the nice words of encouragement and kind supportive comments you leave us!
We appreciate them and we appreciate you!
Good night everyone!
Love you all! 😀