A bad anxiety attack

My heart is pounding. Literally I am jumping out of my skin here! I cannot breathe! I feel like I am going to die!

I just had glimpses of horrible memories that were awful. I dont have the whole memory, thank god. I hated what I did get the glimpses I did get of it.

It sparked a massive anxiety attack! Now I just feel so so bad! I cannot handle it. I want a coffee but am afraid drinking it will put me in an even worse place!

Mental illness sucks! Anxiety attacks suck!

I need a hug! Nobodys here though to hug me.

Think I’ll go pet nitro! He’s always ready for pets.

Freaking out guys

I just got off the phone with my gp. He was calling me back since I rang him last week to speak to him about having gotten a period again after about 5 years of having none.

He told me at first that its normal, that the lining of the womb breaks up after the ovaries are removed, and falls away. Then I told him that 9 months after I’d had the surgery that I’d gotten a light period then, and since then there had been nothing.

He grew concerned then and said that wasnt normal. But that he didnt know why it would happen and if it would happen to me again. So he told me to make an appointment with the nurse to have a smear test done. Well I did that now, but I am so freaked out.

I hate anyone examining me in that way. I know its necessary, but damn. I am so triggered by the fact that I have to have this done. My appointment isnt for 2 weeks, so I have 2 weeks to worry and fret about it. And then once its done, another long wait for results. And with the way the cervical checks are going here in ireland, its not very positive, there are long waits to get results of smear tests, and sometimes people have been misdiagnosed, because the tests are outsourced to labs in the USA.

I am so afraid guys. I am really afraid of having this done. My mom said she’d go in with me. Thank god for that much. I dont want to go in alone. I need her there to hold my hand. I know thats childish but you just dont realise the huge triggers for me surrounding this, considering my history of abuse.

I’m not ok. I’m really, really not ok.

The last time I had a smear test was 6 years ago when I had my surgery to remove my ovaries, and then, I was under anaestetic and asleep when they did it.

So can anyone tell me, is it painful? Does it hurt?

I am so so nervous about this I am beyond freaked out!

I just hope things turn out ok. Please pray for me if you pray and if not then please send me good vibes or good thoughts. I need them right now and for the next few weeks. Eileen isnt even here for me to talk to her about all this, thats what I’d normally do, I did talk with dr. barry yesterday, but man guys. This is just not good.

Virus-free. www.avg.com

Update on the wasp situation

Well, I decided to talk to my supervisor today about the wasps. She is a community development worker, and I thought, if anyone knows anything about someone in the community that can help me, then she will. So I told her about the wasps when she picked me up.

She said as soon as we got to the office she’d ring the maintenance man that works for cork city partnership. So she did. He said we needed a professional, that it would be dangerous to allow just anyone to go near the wasps, in case they attacked.

She decided after talking to the maintenance guy, to ring the community warden, since I told her I’d rang the city council and there was no response from them. She got through to the warden, and she told her the council weren’t going to do anything about it, that it wasn’t up to them to actually do anything.

So then we went to mr. google. We googled pest control. And we found a local pest control place. I rang my neighbour and she offered to split the cost with me, if I got them to come out, since the problem is in her house also. So I rang the pest control place, the girl I spoke to said that a technician would call me back, but that it would be early next week before they could call me back.

Luckily I am not going to be home for the weekend, so that’s fine with me if I have to wait until next week. Their website says they deal with wasps, so I am hopeful they can handle it.

In the meantime, my neighbour said she has been researching, and she found some recipes online for natural ways to deter the wasps. So tomorrow she is going to go get the ingredients for one of the recipes, and make it, and try that in the meantime to see if it does anything. I gave her permission to also spray my windows, just in case it does anything, but I’m very doubtful that it will.

So that’s where things stand right now. I’m hoping by next week this whole mess will be sorted. I just want rid of the pesky buggers.

Question of the day

Are you afraid of insects?

I am deathly afraid of them. Not so much of spiders, at least not the spiders here, as they aren’t dangerous. But wasps, or bees, OMG I am terrified! I have never been stung by one, I think that’s why I get so scared! I don’t want to ever be stung! I literally freak out if I hear one near me. I also think its due to the fact I cant see them, I can only hear them buzzing around my ears or head. I hate going outside in summer because of them, I mean I do go out, but I’d go out way more often if there were no bees or wasps. Eating food outside is a huge no no for me. Occasionally if we’re at the beach or having a bbq I will eat food, but I always rush my food then, just in case one comes and lands on me or on my food! I’m even afraid of houseflies! I’m not afraid of butterflies and I can deal with things like moths and other creepy crawlies. But don’t let one land on me! I’d literally go mental!
So what about you? How do you feel about them? Are you someone who screams in fear when you see them?