im jaylee and im 9. i am one of emilys insiders. me and eileen talked a lot today. i like her. shes so nice.
i told her i am testing her to see if i can trust her. thats not hard though. she makes it easy to feel like you can trust her which is cool.
we talked about the bad guys. about how they made me feel so worthless. about how i hate myself because they made me feel so bad about myself. and about how awful i felt for doing things like hurting other kids.
eileen said i didnt have a choice, the badguys didnt give me a choice. they made me do it and to survive i had to do it. i didnt want to, but i had to if i wanted to live.
she said every time she hears about stuff that happened to us she cares even more about us than she did before. she said her heart feels soft towards us there is a softening in her heart. i didnt ever hear someone say something like that before.
she told me too that all kids are born with a little nugget of gold inside of them. and we worked a little with the pulsers to see if i could notice where mine was. she said its a nugget of gold and it represents the good inside of you.
she said those pulsers are magic. i ask her why and she said its magic cuz they make you feel good. they help you to feel better. and it is true. they did help me and i did feel good after we worked with them.
when we was recognising the nugget of gold she ask me what does it look like. what shape is it. i told her its like a rectangle, and inside of it there is sparkles, sprinkly fairy dust like pixie dust. she said thats really good and a very good description of it.
i had a nice time talking to her. it was a lot of work and we did hard work but it wasnt all hard. we had fun too. and i loved talking to her. and i know i can trust her now. i know she is trustworthy. and i felt safe too which is good.
jaylee age 9
but I’m not ok. been sleeping a lot today. unable to do much of anything. unable to be very functional at all.
Only getting up to eat or use the bathroom.
I’m having a ton of anxiety. I feel lethargic, and very off.
My head feels like its playing tricks on me.
Everything is just horrible. I just feel so off.
So I am gong to count this as a day that just, needs to end.
A day where I am not ok.
Hoping tomorrow will be better.
my mind keeps twirling
a storm is approaching
prepare for impact
rooted to the spot
as internal chaos rages on
wonder how I will survive this
but knowing I always do
will it be different this time?
my head feels so foggy
i feel sick and groggy
stand up, sit down
what to do now?
lie here thinking
pondering and wondering
will it ever end?
SADNESS. YES THAT HORRIBLE FEELING. IT JUST CREPT UP ON ME TONIGHT. ITS AFTER MIDNIGHT. IM STILL UP. I CANT SWITCH OFF. OR GO TO SLEEP. IM IN A LOT OF EMOTIONAL PAIN. MEMORIES ARE BACK. ITS AWFUL. I FEEL SO SMALL. SO SCARED. AND SO SO SAD. I JUST WANT THEM TO STOP. WELL I KNOW ONE THING FOR CERTAIN, NIGHT TIME IS THE WORST FOR ME NOT SPEAKING FOR THE REST OF US, BUT FOR ME, NIGHTS ARE THE BLOODY WORST.
AS SHE SITS ON HER BED
LOOKS INTO 15’S EYES
SEES HOW FRIGHTENED SHE IS
SHE HOLDS OUT HER HAND
TAKE MY HAND, SHE SOFTLY MURMURS
WE’LL EXPLORE THIS NEW PLACE TOGETHER
I AM WITH YOU NOW, NO NEED TO WORRY
I’LL TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU
PROMISE, AND I DONT BREAK MY PROMISES
NOT IF I CAN HELP IT
15 SHYLY HOLDS OUT HER HAND
A SMILE ON HER FACE
TOGETHER THEY STAND
AND WALK HAND IN HAND
TO EXPLORE THE SURROUNDINGS
OF 15’S NEW LIFE
A LIFE OF FREEDOM
NO LONGER STUCK IN A DARK SWAMP
SHE IS OUT NOW
IN ALL ITS GLORY
SHE IS OUT
SHE CAN SHOUT
AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS
I AM FREE
FREE TO BE ME
HEY ITS LIZ. SO I HAD THE WHOLE OF OUR THERAPY SESSION TODAY. IT WAS SO TOUGH. I KNEW I HAD TO GO IN THERE THOUGH AND BE HONEST. SO I DID. I DID AND I AM SO GLAD I TALKED. WE DID EMDR. AND WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. FIRST OF ALL WE WORKED ON GROUNDING EXERCISES. SHE HAD ME WALK AROUND HER OFFICE. THAT ALWAYS CALMS ME DOWN. I WAS FEELING REALLY SHAKY AND JUMPY. SHE ASKED ME TO TRY TO NAME MY FEELINGS. BUT I COULDNT. I JUST COULDNT GO THERE. IT WAS WAAAAY TOO DIFFICULT. WE DID THIS THING DURING THE EMDR WHERE SHE HAD ME BRING UP A GOOD MEMORY AND THEN SHE HAD ME FLASH OVER TO THE DARK MERKY PLACE I FELT LIKE I WAS IN. SHE HAD ME FLASH OVER AND BACK FIRST UNDER HER INSTRUCTION AND THEN SHE HAD ME TRY TO GO THERE AND COME BACK TO THE PRESENT ON MY OWN AND SHE HAD ME DO IT 3 TIMES AND THEN 5 TIMES. AT FIRST I COULDNT REALLY DO IT BUT I GOT BETTER AT IT. I TRIED TO DESCRIBE THE FLAT FEELING AND THE FEELINGS OF BLAH AND LETHARGY AND DEPRESSEDNESS IS DEPRESSEDNESS EVEN A WORD? ANYWAY, I TRIED MY BEST TO DESCRIBE THOSE FEELINGS TO HER IN THE BEST WAY I COULD. I THINK SHE GOT IT. SHE SEEMED TO UNDERSTAND. SHE KEPT TELLING ME I WASNT ON MY OWN WITH ALL OF IT, THAT I HAD HER. THAT SHE CARED AND WANTED TO SUPPORT ME. SHE ASKED ME A FEW TIMES IF I FELT SAFE. I DID FEEL SAFE IN HER OFFICE. ESPECIALLY AFTER DOING THE GROUNDING EXERCISES. I TOLD HER THAT LATELY I’D BEEN ONLY COMING OUT TO DEAL WITH CRISIS SITUATIONS. TO HELP US WHEN NO ONE ELSE COULD DO THE JOB. I AM NOT LIVING MY LIFE. I AM SIMPLY BEING AN ANKOR FOR THE SYSTEM. I AM THE ONE WHO MANAGES WHEN NO ONE ELSE CAN. AND IT IS DRAGGING ME DOWN THAT IT IS THIS WAY. I WANT TO DO THINGS I ENJOY. I WANT TO TRY TO LIVE. I DONT WANT TO JUST EXIST. I WANT TO BE ME I WANT TO BE ME AND BE FREE TO BE HOW I AM. I’M ALWAYS AFRAID THAT IF I FEEL, IF I SHOW THE OTHERS IN THE SYSTEM MY TRUE FEELINGS, THAT THEY’LL ALL GET OVERWHELMED AND THEN WE’LL END UP IN THE HOSPITAL AND IT’LL BE ALL MY FAULT. I DONT WANT TO GO THERE. I DONT WANNA GO IN. I CANT. WE CANT. WE ARE TRYING OUR HARDEST TO STAY STABLE AND OUT OF THE HOSPITAL. DR. BARRY IS REALLY PROUD OF US. I WOULD HATE TO DISAPPOINT HER. I NEVER EVER WANT TO DISAPPOINT HER. NOT THAT SHE EVER SAID I DID, QUITE THE OPPOSITE ACTUALLY. SHE IS FOREVER TELLING ME ITS OK NOT TO BE OK. THAT I AM WAY TOO HARD ON MYSELF. ANYWAY. THERE WAS A YOUNG PART OF ME TODAY, A TEENAGE PART, I’D SAY SHE WAS AROUND 15 OR 16. AND SHE WAS STUCK, SHE KEPT SAYING SHE WAS IN A SWAMP AND SHE WAS STUCK AND COULDNT GET OUT OF THERE. SHE WAS SCARED AND VULNERABLE AND OVERWHELMED AND REALLY REALLY FRIGHTENED. I TOLD EILEEN ABOUT THE SWAMP AND HOW DARK AND MERKY IT WAS IN THERE. HOW IT IS LIKE A HUGE HOLE AND IF YOU ARE IN IT YOU START TO SINK. EILEEN OFFERED TO HELP GET HER OUT OF THE SWAMP. SO WE WORKED WITH HER AND EILEEN WAS ABLE TO HELP PULL HER OUT. SHE HAD ME VISUALISE A ROPE LADDER AND SHE TOLD ME TO TELL THIS TEEN PART TO PUT BOTH HANDS ON THE ROPE AND THEN EILEEN HAD ME VISUALISE HER DRIVING A TRACTOR WITH SOMETHING ON THE BACK THAT WOULD PULL THE TEEN PART OUT OF THE SWAMP. AND IT WORKED. SHE WAS DAZED AND VERY DISORIENTATED WHEN SHE CAME OUT OF THERE. AND EILEEN SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT THAT SHE RESTED. AND SHE TOLD ME ONCE SHE’S RESTED THAT MAYBE I COULD SHOW HER AROUND OUR HOUSE. SHOW HER OUR LIFE NOW. SHOW HER THAT ITS 2018 AND WE ARE SAFE. SHE ASKED ME IF I FELT I COULD DO IT. I SAID YES I THOUGHT I COULD. IT WAS AN INTENSE SESSION. BUT A REALLY PRODUCTIVE ONE TOO. IM SO GLAD I HAD ALL OF IT. I NEEDED TO TALK. I NEEDED TH VALIDATION. I NEEDED THE REASSURANCE AND SUPPORT.
IM SO DEPRESSED. FEELING SO FRUSTRATED. NOT SURE WHY. JUST KNOW I FEEL LIKE SHIT. CANT COPE. SHOULD WATCH THAT SHOW CANT COPE WONT COPE. ITS A SHOW BY SOME IRISH COMEDIAN I THINK.
ANYWAY. JUST HAVING A CRAPPY NIGHT. FEELING SO FULL OF SADNESS AND DESPAIR. ITS THE WHOLE HAVING TO ACCEPT THE MEMORIES I GOT BACK LAST WEEK, THAT THEY ACTUALLY HAPPENED TO ME, TO THIS BODY. IT IS HELL.