night is upon us
fearful, as I try
to settle down in bed
Once again, and suddenly, my thoughts start racing
and I realise
My mind doesnt want me to sleep
Nor does it want to slow down
Fear grips me
as thoughts of what awaits me when I try to sleep
Come flooding in
Let the nightmares begin?
they are color and sound and smell,
they are feelings
everything but words
and no way of dealing
how can i understand this?
was it something bad that’s spinning
why does all this come back
i can’t make sense of the beginning
a world of crazy swirls
where is my voice, before i had one
i cant find the way to talk about
all that needs to be said about what was done
how can i express pain?
when all i know is what’s inside
the tears come, but i cannot tell you
why, even after i’ve cried
am i locked in this place?
stuck in the past with no way of escape
will i always wonder how to describe
all the things that took shape
Written by an alter
Jessa, age 13
My names Anna. Im 13.
Im so scared! I feel so out of it!
I wrote our therapist Eileen. I emailed her.
I told her I am nervous to write, I dont wanna bother her!
I feel so scared though!
A horrible person from our past contacted us and threatened me!
And I am so nervous maybe I should just respond to them. It would probably not be good, but maybe they’d go away then?
Willow and Wendy said no! They said not to do it!
So I wrote Eileen and I told her what happened and then I made some tea.
I hope I can go back to sleep but I dont know if I can!
Just feel out of sorts!
Anna who is 13
im so sad. i havent be ok since therapy last week. its been hard. i been crying a lot. i hate memories. they really really suck. i wish i didnt have to remember. i just hate that the memories come. they make me feel so bad.
i emailed eileen a few times. shes so nice to me. she even texted us last week and we had a phone check in. that felt good. i felt safe hearing her voice. it felt ok when she chatted to us. i only feel safe around her. and dr. barry. i dont really feel safe mostly at other times.
tonight im upset. im just sad. i been crying a lot. cant stop crying. my heart hurts. so does my insides. my tummy too. it is awful.
it is only just gone 5 AM now. i been up for hours. i cant sleep. im afraid to go to sleep.
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Our phone therapy session last night was good. It was so nice to connect with Eileen.
We talked about putting Allie’s memories in a container. She went through the exercise with us on the phone. Allie didnt talk to her, but she was close by and she was able to hear what Eileen was doing and saying which was good. She felt comforted. She immediately calmed down on hearing Eileens voice. Its like it immediately soothed her.
We talked for about 15 minutes. It felt so good. Eileen encouraged us to do some self care last night, wind down early and have an early night. Which is exactly what we did.
It was a good session. And we did manage to shelve the memories and last night they didnt plague us which was nice.
We decided to shelve them, and leave them in Eileens office. We put them in a huge container and eileen said we can leave them in her office, which feels safer to us.
This morning I feel good. I woke up feeling awesome. I woke at 5 AM feeling so refreshed, we’re doing well and it feels amazing.
I need to send Eileen an email with an update. I will do that after I finish this post.
sitting on her bed
an intense pain in her heart
razor in hand
Thoughts fill her mind
Where? Did she care?
The denial was strong
He hadn’t sexually abused her had he?
But the evidence couldn’t be disputed
Indeed he had
And now, she sat
A razor blade in her hand
Ready to slice her skin
As the pain…
The pain overwhelmed her
She looked out the window
As thoughts continued to race around her head
Would she be better off dead?
Would anyone care?
Would it be fair to her family?
To put them through this pain?
But she was in pain too
And the man who caused her so much pain
In her childhood
He was free
She wished the denial wasn’t so strong
Denial is a scary thing
You really start believing it if your not careful
Onto my blanket
Feel Nitro there
Call him near
Pat him, as I feel the fear
My insides feel like lead
I have a pain in my head
Wrap up warm
I can survive this storm
Tomorrow, things will be normal again
Just wrote this as I am feeling incredibly sad and alone and my body is tense, I feel full of fear and trepidation, I’m starting to have flashbacks again, so I’m snuggling nitro and drinking a coffee and trying to watch a little tv.