This is abuse

to shed a tear seems a crime
it happened before, not at this time
horrid, horrible, tragic
the abuse
never such a thing as calling a truce
i would beg, i would plead,
i would suffer, i would bleed
and at it’s end i’d be left alone
to make another
like a clone
Someone to carry on for me
to take the place where I couldn’t be

Old poetry

gripped by fear
she falls apart
tries to self soothe
nothing works
the flashbacks overcome her
vomiting for a whole hour
till her stomach is empty of everything
screaming silently
as a nurse holds her shaking body
is this how it is going to be forever?

A little unstable at the moment

I’ve been feeling very unstable. I am having tons of memories and flashbacks. And just feeling off. So I rang mom. I asked her if I could come and stay the night at her house. She said I could. I didnt tell her that I wasnt doing well. I didnt want to worry her. She didnt ask either. Thats ok though. I didnt want to talk about it anyway.

So I rang a taxi to take me to her house. The guy I spoke too from the taxi base was lovely. He said the traffic was extremely heavy but he said he’d try to get a car to me as quick as he could. And he got one to me very quickly.

Now I am here. I decided I will stay here tonight and tomorrow night. Moms ok with that. I feel a lot safer here. Like I feel like I wont do anything impulsive and no one else inside can either. So thats good. The kids also feel safer. They are a lot calmer being here.

I napped this afternoon for a while. I wasnt tired but I was watching tv and I just fell asleep. I slept for about an hour. I might not sleep tonight now because I napped today.

Oh well. It happens. I’ll be ok. I’m going to have a nice warm bubble bath now. I think that will help me feel calm.

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Poetry

close your eyes
don’t make a sound
don’t look around
go to sleep
that’s it
relax, breathe
but I cant
why? why not?
bad dreams, don’t you know?
don’t you see?
cant you see how they effect me?
the truth is
nobody can
im all alone
alone on this planet
as I sit
shivering
unable to breathe
unable to fight
my demons
they linger
as I sit
as I sit and ponder
what to do next
my head is full
full of worries and fears
these worries and fears
have been here for years
they aren’t going anywhere
for now though
for now…
I will go make a cup of tea
and I will try
to just be
to sit
and try to not quit!

Emily

hhihihihii everyone
its me em
how are you all?
im ok i gess
im still struggling a little bit
but the suicidal feelings passed
im so happy about it
i dont like it when i feel suicidal
it scares me
im very impulsive
so i have to realy watch out
or else i can do something bad without thinking it through
but i’ve realised something
mostly when im suicidal
i just want support
or someone to listen to me
or to just chat
i dont realy wanna die
but just the feelings feel intense
thats all
but really if i have friends
and support
im usualy ok then
and eileens help of course too
and dr. barrys help
they are real important to me too
thank goodness the bad dates are over now
halloween is gone for another year
so so happy about it
now im looking forward to christmas
and presents and all the nice things we’ll do with our family
are you looking forward to christmas this year?
do you like the holidays?
butterfly hugs
loves you
emily age 12

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Decompressing

It is taking everything in me not to text Eileen. Text her to ask her to ring me back. I don’t want to bother her though. I know she has college tonight. She teaches on Mondays. So she wouldn’t even be able to call me even if I asked.

Memories are swamping us. I’m drowning here.

I cant stand it. I feel so utterly defeated. I took a shower to try to relax. I used some lotion on my body trying to give myself some sensory input. Trying to distract myself from the horrible thoughts.

I just cant get rid of them. I wish I could hold Eileens hand. Hug her. I wish she would take me in her arms and tell me I’ll be ok. I’m struggling so much to feel her presence right now. Struggling to feel the connection that we have.

If I still feel this way in the morning I might text her. Just for a five min phone check in. I feel like I am going to decompress at any minute. It feels so awful. I just feel like I am sinking fast.

UNHAPPY DARKS

ITS LIZ HERE. IM DEALING WITH A LOT IN MY OWN SYSTEM INSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE DARKS ARE NOT VERY HAPPY. NOT REALLY SURE WHY. WELL THERE IS THE FACT THEY’VE HAD TO DEAL WITH THEIR MEMORIES PRETTY MUCH ON THEIR OWN SINCE THERE WAS NO THERAPY LAST WEEK. EILEEN HAD SAID TO TEXT HER OR EMAIL HER BUT THEY ARE REFUSING TO DO THAT. NOT SURE WHY. I DIDNT EVEN GET TO TELL HER TODAY ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON. MAYBE I’LL JUST EMAIL HER IN A FEW MINUTES TO TELL HER. I FEEL ITS IMPORTANT SHE KNOWS THEY ARE STRUGGLING. THESE ARENT KIDS EITHER. THEY ARE ADULTS AND TEENS MOSTLY. JUST THAT THEY ARE DARKS IN OUR SYSTEM. IM PRETTY PISSED ACTUALLY ABOUT IT ALL. I DONT LIKE WHEN PEOPLE IN MY SYSTEM ARE ARGUING AND THERE IS A LOT OF THAT SHIT GOING ON RIGHT NOW. A LOT OF INTERNAL FIGHTING AND UNEASE AND UNREST. PEOPLE ARE BEING VERY VIOLENT TOO. ONE OR TWO INSIDERS ARE GOING INTO BLIND RAGES. I’VE HAD TO BREAK UP A FEW FIGHTS LATELY. ITS FRUSTRATING. SO YEAH I THINK AN EMAIL TO EILEEN IS IN ORDER. THE FACT THAT WE HAD THAT ACCIDENT IS SHITTY, BAD TIMING IF YOU ASK ME. WE NEVER DEALT WITH THE HALLOWEEN STUFF THAT CAME UP. NOW HALLOWEEN IS OVER PEOPLE THINK ITS JUST OVER. THE MEMORIES HAVE DISAPPEARED. BUT THEY HAVENT. ITS JUST NOT HOW IT WORKS. THEY STILL RUN FOR US. JUST BECAUSE THE DAY HAS PASSED DOESNT MEAN SHIT TO US REALLY. IM JUST IRRITABLE. AND A LITTLE ANGRY THAT THERAPY WAS TAKEN UP TODAY WITH THAT DAMN ACCIDENT. THAT DAMN DICKHEAD WHO HIT US, SHOULD BE SHOT OR PUNISHED BY SOME OTHER FUCKING MEANS. WHAT AN ASSHOLE. WE HAD TO PROCESS HIS STUPIDITY INSTEAD OF DEALING WITH OUR PAST. DAMN ANYWAY.
LIZ

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