Poetry

My heart beats fast
I am sucked into the past
I kick, I scream
To no avail
I cant get away from it
I just have to sit with it
It threatens to pull me under
I fight to get back on even ground again
I count to 10
As i exhale
Breathe, I tell myself
Constantly reminding myself its over
I’m not back there
I’m here
Here in my house
with my dog
My stuff all around me
I am free
In the free world
and its 2017

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Poetry

as i sit
my thoughts race
what is this place
is it a memory?
why cant i see
dissociated
complicated
i sit and wait
for what seems like an eternity
when really
its only a couple of minutes
as the flashbacks hits full on
i try to be strong
but fear gives way to tears
and i cry and cry
cant say i know why
memories of abuse sting
and i am contemplating
what to do next
and where to go with this

I’M JUST DONE GUYS

OMG I WANT TO RUN I WANT TO RUN AWAY FAR FAR AWAY I AM DONE I AM SOOO DONE I AM JUST SOOO DONE GUYS I CANT DO THIS IT HURTS I AM HAVING AWFUL FLASHBACKS THEY ARE SO INTENSE I AM TRYING EVERYTHING Sad smile NOTHINGS WORKING FUCKING HELL ANYWAYS Open-mouthed smile THIS SUCKS WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO WHAT TO DO SPINNING SWIRLING WHIRLING TWIRLING AROUND AND AROUND HEAD SPINNING DREAMS TURN TO NIGHTMARES ITS JUST FUCKING UNBELIEVABLY INTENSE Sad smile XX

LIZ

I GOT THROUGH IT

I GOT THROUGH LAST NIGHT. I’M OK. I’M OK, AND TODAY IS A NEW DAY. I MANAGED TO SLEEP.
I REALLY THOUGHT I’D HAVE NIGHTMARES BUT I DIDNT. I SLEPT WELL. SO YEAH THATS A REAL POSITIVE. I’M FEELING WELL RESTED THIS MORNING. WHICH IS GOOD SINCE WE HAVE A BUSY DAY AHEAD.
TODAYS THE DAY OF THE FOOD HARVEST FESTIVAL. THE GARDEN AT THE BASEMENT CLUB IS OPENING AND WE ARE HELPING WITH DOING THE INFORMATION STAND. THEN AFTER THE EVENT THE COORDINATOR IS TAKING THOSE OF US THAT HELPED HER OUT FOR COFFEE AND CAKE.
IT WILL BE NICE. I’M LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.
COFFEE IS MY FAVOURITE DRINK. I’M FEELING PROUD. I TOLERATED INTENSE EMOTIONS, AND MEMORIES. AND I SURVIVED.
LIZ

Alcoholism in the family

so when we were little, like under 2, we lived with our dads family. there was mom, dad and me, my dads mom, his sister and brother all living in the same house. his mom, sister and brother were all alcoholics. my mom was young, she was 17 when she had me. she was young and vulnerable and very scared. she grew up with violence and conflict and stuff but not alcoholism. all of this was new to her. she had a lot to learn. when she would go somewhere where she could not take me along, i was looked after either by my aunt dads sister or his mom. they were always drunk. they could not look after me properly. they were careless and left us in dangerous situations. so many times. we were traumatised. left alone. alone to fend for ourselves. we learned not to cry. we learned to be quiet. so as not to cause arguments or get hurt by drunk people. it was our normal. tonight i am remembering. and it hurts. the pain of remembering is so overwhelming. why did this have to happen? why? a question I’ll never find ansers too.
carol anne

A desperate cry

i’m drowning
in desperation
in pain
and grief
swimming, but sinking
a puddle on the floor
no will to live
no will to go on
clinging to shreds of hope
that some day
some time in the future
this will all be a distant memory