Hopeless

i feel sad and hopeless. my heart just hurts. someone please sit with me. i am scared. lonely and scared and sad and feeling afraid and alone and like its hard to breathe. i need a friend. i need someone to love me. i am remembering lots of bad things and feeling gross and disgusting and like i am bad and unlovable and like everyone hates me.
allie

Poetry

when your engulfed in a memory
and you simply cant see
that its now not then
and you are safe
no one will hurt you again
when the pain overflows
and it has nowhere to go
your tears fall like rain
and you think you’ll go insane
then you reach out your hand
pat your dog
that right there is love
love and security
and so you can see
that it is 2017
you are safe
in another time and in another place

I distracted and now I feel better

well when the flashbacks hit, i decided to distract. i knew that would help. and i was right.
i watched americas got talent with my parents. it was really good. there were so many great performers on there.
i also rang my friend rose. she told me all about the wedding she’d been at today. talking to her helped a lot. she’s been going through some mental health struggles too lately so being able to be there for her has been great and very helpful to me as well.
now i think i’m ready to relax and wind down. the flashbacks have gone. i dont feel emotional. in fact i feel good. i like this feeling, long may it last.

flashback trauma

flashbacks are kicking our collective ass. horrific memories are running rampant. taunting us. making us crazy. sending us spiraling. triggering us into a place of emotional instability.

Right now, I feel awful. I want an end to this pain. An end is all I want.

But it never ends. The pain threatens to take me down. If only the memories would stop?

Take me away

take me away
forget today
forget the horror of the past
the memories
they wont last
be still
if you are still and quiet
the feelings will disapate
or so I’m told
I hold fast
thoughts swirl
Is it real?
am I real?
where am I
Here, there?
memories everywhere?
a child crushed
broken and scarred
Innocence taken
stuck in those memories
wanting to run
far far away
forever

my dog and me

awakened from a bad dream
I rush to the bathroom
i stand alone
shivering
shivering and shaking
crumple to the floor
scream please, no more
memories threaten to swamp me
i cower
feeling so many emotions
so much shame
so much pain
so much, way too much
turn on the shower
allow the water to run over my body
cool refreshing water
as it runs over me i sob
my head begins to throb
I take big gulping sobs
its so healing
this memory cant hurt me
i say over and over
I am safe, I am safe
Nitro walks in
Sticks his wet nose against me
turning off the shower
fall to the floor
pull him close
so many doggy kisses
so much love
its that love I have to keep close now
remembering he is here for me
no matter what
I am safe
He is here
I am safe
We are safe
We are safe and free

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