Todays been just hell. Thats all I can describe it as. First of all I got hardly any sleep last night. Its becoming a pattern. Nightmares, flashbacks, ptsd symptoms, you name it, I’m suffering from it by night. Last night was no different. I went out to the nurses station a couple of times, one time no nurses were there. I stood there for about 10 minutes but nobody came so I went back to bed. Another time I asked for a glass of water and I got that. The last time I went out it was 5:30 AM. I asked for my PRN of lyrica, but the nurse said I couldnt have any because I was so near my morning dose and she said if she gave it to me then I’d fall asleep and wouldnt wake for breakfast. I understood where she was coming from. I went back to bed and just read for a while and listened to music. Eventually about 7 AM I fell asleep and was able to sleep until the nurses woke us up at 8 AM for breakfast. After we’d eaten I came back to my bed space. I was feeling tired but ok. Then that patient, the one who hit me kicked off again. This time she said I was just pretending to be blind, but that I was only fooling everyone and I was expecting people to lead me around when I could see as well as everybody else. She came over to my bed space and peered into my face. She kept shouting “Open your eyes, open your eyes”. A nurse saw her and told her to stop at once. By then I was crying and things continued to get worse from there. She kept saying to me “why do you hate me?” and when she wasnt saying that she was saying “I hate you”. Anyway I decided to go for a shower. I got one of the student nurses to help me and that was nice, the shower makes me feel destressed and refreshed. After my shower i went to a group, it was handling difficult emotions. It was a good group. We did this exercise called the feelings jar, where you took out an emotion and acted it out. Mine was thrilled, and everyone said I did a very good acting out of that emotion. After the group the community meeting was on. That happens once a week. Basically its a place where all the patients can have a say about the running of the ward, or grievances they might have with other patients or staff. It was a good meeting and we discussed a lot. I told them about the incident with the patient, even though they really already knew about her because I’d told Dr. Barry and the nurses yesterday and this morning also. After the meeting we had dinner. I still am not eating very much although I did manage to eat my breakfast today, I had cerial and two slices of toast. Dinner though was another matter. I felt like shit. I didnt want to eat. Eventually I ate a yogurt and some creamed rice. I also had some tea. That was all I could manage though. The afternoon was a nightmare. I started reading but quickly my emotions got overwhelming so I abandoned the book. Then I just lay on my bed crying. Eventually Laura, who is my key nurse for today came in and chatted for a couple of minutes. I know her a little but I dont trust her as much as dr. Barry or Karen. Karen was around and I was really hoping she’d come in to me. And guess what? She did! She must have known I needed her at that very moment. When I told Dr. Barry about it later she said possibly Karen had looked in from outside, seen I wasnt ok and then had come in. Anyway when she said hi my love, how are you? I just burst into tears. i sobbed and sobbed and kept saying I wanted a mom who would be there emotionally who’d tell me its gonna be ok I’m gonna be ok and I needed a hug. Karen was great. She chatted to be about the mom stuff and then we talked about other things and she said again how I dont give myself enough credit for managing as well as I do, that she is annoyed because she wants me to see just how well I’ve been managing. When I couldnt stop crying she kept saying “you need to be here” but “you will get well again” and “its ok, I promise its ok and your going to be ok again really soon”. I can honestly say it was an amazing interaction with her and I felt so connected. I never ever cried in front of her before. She talked to me for about 30 minutes before she said she had to go home. She said she was dropping some stuff to Dr. Barry and that she’d tell her I wasnt doing well and she’d talked to me. And true to her word she did. After she left I was still crying and Laura talked to me again for a few minutes. I went to eat supper then. When I got back from eating Dr. Barry saw me. She said she was catching up on admin stuff but wanted to pop in to make sure I was ok. I thought oh bless her, what a star, she didnt have to do that as technically on Fridays she doesnt see anyone. She sat on my bed talking to me about everything. We talked about the mom stuff and she said as a parent herself, and as someone who has parents, that sometimes our parents will never be how we want them to be, and even though we hope they’ll change, they dont. She wondered if we had magical thinking, if by hoping our mom would be emotionally there for us, it would remove some of the past trauma. I said we probably did have a little bit of that magical thinking. We talked about sleep and the ptsd stuff and the flashbacks. I gave her a couple pieces of writing that I’d done and she went straight to her office and printed them off and then came back and gave me back my memory stick. She’s written a letter to the school so that I can temporarily exit the course and it will be reviewed again in a couple of weeks. She told me that she’d emailed the letter on to Mark. I feel much better now that I’ve talked to her. I feel more grounded and hopeful that maybe I’ll have an ok weekend. My mom might be visiting tomorrow and on Sunday my PA said she’d visit. It will be nice to see some familiar faces and having visitors always makes me feel good. Heres to a better weekend where I wont feel so much sadness, overwhelm etc.
so its almost 4 am and i am awake. i just couldnt sleep. i did sleep a little bit earlier. but then i woke with nightmares. i decided since i couldnt get back to sleep to go online for a while. one of the nurses just came in to check on me. i didnt tell her i had nightmares. i’ve been drinking a lot of seven-up. its so warm in here and my mouth is so dry. i hope every night isnt going to be like this. its just so hard when your awake and everyone else is asleep.
Once in a while, amidst all your bad days, youll have a good day. A great day even. Make sure you remember those days. Keep them safely in your pockets, maybe even a jar on your desk because you need to know that there are and will be better days. You need to remember how on those days you felt warm inside, like youve just drunk a hot cup of tea; like a small fire was ignited inside of you. Hold on to that warmth. And never let it go.
Here I sit
Fear gripping every fibre of my being
What is this fear about, I ask myself
No answer comes
I continue to think
My thoughts floating around in my mind
Here, I sit
Alone, in my own bubble
I’m barelhy hangin on. Its becoming hard and harder to hold it together but I know I have to keep it together somehow until I see dr. Barry tomorrow. It might help if I wasn’t so sick. I think being sick always brings your level of tolerance down a lot. Mark my OT just called. We were meant to be having a meeting on Friday with the psychologist from the college about the IAP that is due to come up this month. Now its not going ahead because Mark has a wedding. That’s find, its going ahead the following week, there’s no panic. I was telling Mark a little bit about how things have been for us lately. He said that if I needed him to write any letters of support that he’s happy to do that. That was kind of him. I feel so blessed to have such an amazing treatment team. Mark isn’t even part of dr. Barrys team, but still he wants to do that for me. One more day until I see dr. Barry. Just another 24 hours. I can do this, I can hold on just a little longer.
I’m kinda bored. I’m still at mom and dads house. I’m gonna stay here until Friday. I always spend new year with them. My two aunts are coming over later this evening and we’re going to have drinks. I have some white wine. I probably shouldnt be drinking when I am taking the lyrica. But it doesnt seem to effect me. Its not like I am going to drink a ton of wine anyway just a little. I really need the distraction so I am glad they are coming over. I was meant to go to my friends for the evening but its pouring outside and I didnt want to risk it just in case I couldnt get a taxi back to moms. In the rain you could be waiting an hour for a taxi. So I told her I’d come on Friday afternoon. She lives near me and I’ll be on my way home so can drop in then. I’ve no plans for new years. I think it will just be a quiet night this year. First though I’ll see dr. Barry on wednesday. That I am looking forward to. I also need to get my xeplion injection. I am glad because I’ve been having a hard time. I think its worn off and that is why I am becoming so unstable. I always know when I need it because my symptoms always get worse. I have another week off of college. I dont go back until the fifth. I was looking at the calendar for next year today. Easter falls in March. I just wanted to find out when I’d next get some time off of college. It probably wont be until st. Patricks day. I’m starting a new book tonight. Its called a child called hope. Its another short story. I’ll do a review once I am done reading it. I’m also reading a long book by Casey Watson. Its called skin deep. So far I like it and think its really good. I seem to read more than I watch tv. I also like listening to podcasts. Especially tech related ones or mental health related ones. I learn a lot from listening to them. Well I’d better sign off and go make myself a cup of tea. Tea makes everything better after all.
i’m deliberating as to whether i’ll send eileen an email or not. i want to. i am really missing her today. it would be so easy to just write a quick note just to say hi and i miss you and i need you. then there is the part of me that is saying i can do this. i can get through this without contact. this too shall pass. those are eileens words, that is her mantra. this too shall pass. yes i miss her but that is ok. i can miss her and need her but not contact her. little insiders want to text her and tell her about their christmas presents and the movies they watched. i have said no that they cant do that. they’ve cried and called me mean and said how unfair i am being. but for right now we are not going to write any email or send any texts. we are just going to try to muddle through this time. we will be seeing dr barry on wednesday morning. that is enough. we are capable of getting through this. we are strong. we are strong and capable and we will not fall apart or crumble because of our attachment issues and our feelings.