hi it me taylor
and it so scary the fireworks goin off
and i am so scared
and i want to hide
we came to our room to watch x factor
and all sudden they start goin off
they was real loud go boom boom
and ar mom and sistur ar down in the hotel bar
and i feel scard and sick and like i want throw up
thay makin me think of bad things
and i not likin loud noises
does anybody have any good ideas for thing i can do
to make it safe
and make me not be so scared?
hi. i’m little liz. i’m 8 years old. i hate halloween. i feel very scared. and very sad. and i dont want halloween to come.
big liz is helping me. she is 16 but sometimes she acts older. i am inside of her. eileen asked her to take care of me. she’s trying hard. i like big liz. she is strong. and wise. and she wont let anyone hurt me. she will protect me.
she says i can make this weekend fun. i dont know how. does anyone have any good ideas of how to make this weekend better?
So I just got a notification that my former PA cancelled our lunch date today. I am a bit annoyed to be honest. This is the second time she has cancelled it. She said something came up, and maybe it did. But I would’ve liked more than three hours notice. If it was me I would’ve given as much notice as I could. So I guess I’m just going to chill out for the day. I don’t have too much to do. I need to pack but that’s about all I have to do. So will probably read do email catch up on blogs and relax for the rest of the day. I hate it when plans go pear-shaped. Do others feel the same way? Does it bother you when you have something planned and the other person back so is not once but twice is on me but does it bother you when they back out at the last minutes?
I got a letter today from the hospital. I need to go in for an ultrasound of my abdomen in a couple of week. this is going to make my ptsd flare up! I am so nervous about it. I don’t want to go in. I feel like canceling it but I wont because it is so hard to get an appointment. but oh boy. people touching me? strangers? undressing in front of strangers? I know they said on the letter it isn’t that invasive but god it feels like it to me! I might ask dr. barry if I can take a Haldol before I have to go in. maybe that will help. I sincerely hope so. my mom is going with me and i’ll probably ask her to stay in the room with me if that’s possible. oh wait, that wont be possible. damn! the scan is an x ray type scan so she wont be able to come in! damn damn damn! the letter said the ultrasound takes between 5 and 30 minutes. i’m not supposed to eat or drink for six hours before the test. i’ll be just glad when its over. my anxiety is through the roof when I think about it!
sunday was uneventful. I was still at my parents house. I had sunday dinner there like I always do. Then my sister took me home. I had plans to stay home for the rest of the evening but my friend Norma called and asked me if I wanted to come over to her house. She’s been feeling pretty depressed lately so I wanted to support her so I went. She is pretty needy so sometimes its hard to support her but I try. Before I left for Normas house, I texted my PA kristen to welcome her home from holidays. When I was at Normas she phoned me. I was pretty surprised to hear from her. She said she’d come home last thursday because her dog Bruce was sick. He’s a labrador and he is 8 years old. She said he has been diagnosed with lukaemia. So sad. So then I was trying to support her and be there for her. I spent about 3 hours at Normas house. After coming home I watched x factor. I read for a while. Then I decided to go to bed early and call it a night. I had plans to meet my old PA Deirdre this morning for coffee, but she had to cancel because she needed to get her car fixed. We set up a lunch date for next Saturday instead. I havent seen her since she left about a month ago so it will be nice to catch up with her. I didnt sleep very well last night even though I went to bed early. I kept waking up out of the blue. Very annoying. I eventually woke up at about 4 AM and just said to hell with it and got up. 2 cups of coffee later and I feel much more awake. I’m debating whether I’ll go to the basement club for a couple hours this morning. I have therapy this morning as well. If I go to the basement club it will only be for about 2 hours unless I come back after therapy which I very well might do. Actually I think I will because the members meeting is today and I’d like to go to it. I’m feeling pretty good today, mood is good, I am not feeling emotional, its nice to just be able to say I’m ok. I’m ok and its going to be a good day.
i’m in the midst of doing my voluntary work. i just realised that i’ve been sitting here for the past hour and the phone isnt working properly. i only noticed because no calls were coming in and thats unusual so i picked up the handset and there was no dial tone. i came to realise its unplugged, no one had told me. sigh. one of the staff just plugged it back in and now it should work properly again.
its really quiet here at the basement club this afternoon. i asked if someone would give me some help reading out names so that i could fill out the sign in sheets database but no one volunteered. its unusual that nobody would volunteer. oh well. i guess everyone just wants to do their own thing today.
i want to throw up. i dont like that we have to see karen this morning. i dont want to see her. i want to hide. i dont want to talk about weight. or exercise. cuz we havent done good about losing weight or exercising this week. really i dont want to eat at all. i just want to get rid of how i feel by purging. i just want the feelings to stop. i hurt. i am sad. i feel fat and gross. i feel like i am unlovable. like i am not worth loving. like i am no good. like my size is all that matters. and i feel fat and huge. and i hate myself so much this morning.
emily age 12