Poetry

she sits and stares
nothing in her eyes
but fear
fear of the night
the dark
and other parts
they run rampant
inside her mind
they are confined
inside her head
full of dread
feeling a mixture
of numbness
panick
and fear
wanting to disappear
young parts cry
they want to fly
fly away
to a new day

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Friday inspiration…

The person you were always meant to become is waiting for you just on the other side of the things you fear.
Reverand Tom Wright

A desperate cry

i’m drowning
in desperation
in pain
and grief
swimming, but sinking
a puddle on the floor
no will to live
no will to go on
clinging to shreds of hope
that some day
some time in the future
this will all be a distant memory

therapy session

i feel so good after therapy. makes a change. normally i am drained. and its not that we did not do hard work today, we did. but i feel good, and not at all exhausted afterwords.

I had all of todays session. that felt good too. its been a while since i’ve had a full session.

we talked first about college. i told eileen i’d been accepted onto the course and i was starting tomorrow. we talked for a little while about that. that led onto a convo about my strengths.

we talked about how during the abuse i threw myself into things like learning, and the performing arts. i was in stage school at the time. i did speech and drama, tap dancing, singing. we talked about how the year the abuse finally came out, I still ended up doing the xmas pantomime, and the abuse came out with two weeks to go to christmas. and i still ended up doing the show.

i also threw myself into learning. i studied and studied, did well in school, did well in all of my exams, despite being severely bullied and despite being sexually abused.
how does that even happen? eileen said dissociation was a valuable tool. i guess she’s right, it was. she said how some kids when they are being abuse cant concentrate, they cant learn, but i could.

i feel lucky i guess that i was able to dissociate. it meant i wasnt anxious. it meant i was able to go on. i was able to keep going, the abusers didnt break my spirit. the bullies didnt break me.

we went on to talk about parts and change. the darks were having difficulty with the concept of change. eileen wanted to hear from them as to why they felt they didnt want to change. she asked me to ask them so i did.

they said they were afraid of getting better. getting better equals losing support. she kept reassuring them she wasnt going anywhere. “i have no intentions of going anywhere, I’ll always be here for you, for as long as you need me”. I’m not leaving. it is always going to be your choice when therapy ends, your choice.

that was a shock to us. we have never had a choice in our treatment before.

well then, I guess your stuck with us, I said. And we both laughed.

we worked for a little while with a very young part. a 2 or 3 year old. she finds it hard to go in between sessions without contacting eileen. she is so attached to her and just needs her care constantly. eileen worked with her. and she was able to figure out that its all linked to our childhood.

when we were very young we lived with our dads family. all of who were alcoholics. when our mom had to go somewhere and wasnt able to bring us along, she’d leave us with our aunt, who was more interested in alcohol than in looking after us. so this little girl is associating memories of our aunt, and mixing them up with now and the present time.

We talked through it and it felt good to get it all out. I felt lighter afterwords.

Eileen asked me to try to not edit stuff that I say when I am with her. I said I’d try. I dont want to but sometimes its so automatic that I cant help it. I know she would never judge me, but I am so used to people being judgemental that it is what I gravitate towards.

I guess fear and abandonment and attachment issues played a huge part in the session today.

Current mood

stressed out. fearful. worried. anxious.

remembering, not wanting to. finding it hard to ground myslf.

unable to wind down. cant go to bed unable to settle cant turn off my mind.

feeling apprehensive, overwhelmed, desperation…

wishing eileen had responded to emilys email. she hasnt, and probably wont. sometimes she is really attuned to us, however not tonight.

OMG GUYS I’M A MESS

I’M SO ANXIOUS AND AFRAID. I’M A SOBBING MESS. I DONT WANT TO SAY GOODBYE TO KAREN TOMORROW. I DONT WANT TO BUT I HAVE TO. I DONT HAVE A CHOICE.

GOD I WILL MISS HER. AND GOD I HATE BEING VULNERABLE. I HATE HAVING EMOTIONS. THEY MAKE ME SO FREAKED OUT.

I FEEL OVERWHELMED AND AM HURTING. I WANT THIS PAIN TO FUCKING GO AWAY. BUT IT DOESNT.

HOW DO I SAY GOODBYE? ITS GONNA BE SO DIFFICULT. I SUCK AT GOODBYES. I SUCK SO MUCH AND I JUST DONT WANT TO DO IT.

ITS AWKWARD. I’M AWKWARD.

IF I CRY, WHAT WILL KAREN AND DR. BARRY THINK OF ME?

WILL I LOOK PATHETIC?

OH GOD GUYS I AM A MESS!
LIZ