Back to the basement club

I did it. Today I went back to the basement club. After not being there for almost a month, it was kinda weird to just arrive back in there, but as usual, all of the members were just amazing. So accepting, they were just their awesome supportive selves. I went in after seeing dr. barry and Mark. I got there for around 10:30. We had a meeting that was scheduled for 11 AM, a big meeting about all of the changes taking place. It was good to go to it. Good to catch up with colette, too. Colette is leaving on the 27th, and since she’s been my mentor for the last 5 years, it was good to catch up with her and talk to her about where she’s moving on to etc. I also met one of the new staff members, she is very nice. She was friendly and seemed supportive and like she’d be a good fit for the centre. There are two more new staff starting in early August. I spoke a little at the meeting, just to say I was upset about Colette leaving, and that I hadnt come in recently due to anxiety and being upset. I felt it was important that I spoke. After the meeting I had coffee with a couple of the members. We just chatted about things like the weather, their kids, dogs etc. Then I spent some quiet time in the quiet room. I needed a little bit of space to myself after the meeting, which was super intense. I had booked a taxi to pick me up at 3:45 but then everyone went home around 2 PM, except 1 or 2 people, so I decided then to call it a day and go home too. So here I am now, at home, reflecting on my day. I plan on going in again tomorrow and spending the day in there. I’m proud of myself for biting the bullet and going in there today. I know I did a good thing for my mental health. And I’m also happy that I spoke to colette on her own, and met the new staff member as well.
carol anne


my appointment with dr. barry this week

had a very good apt with dr. barry this week. i was so exhausted though. i was falling asleep while i waited. she noticed too because when she came to get me and as we were walking back to her office she asked me if i was dozing off.
we got into her office, she went to get me some water. and then we were able to talk. i told her about the week, how it had been kinda bad, because of the summer solstace, she said she’d been thinking of me and she hadnt forgot the date. that was nice to hear that she actually remembered the awful date.
i told her about my experience in therapy the experience i had the other day where our body was acting all weird. we talked about that for a little while. then i told her about sirena and what she’d done when I’d gone to take my night meds on tuesday night. she was very surprised. she asked me if i thought sirena was planning it i said no i thought it was an impulsive thing and not planned out at all. I told her eileen had responded to my text and that I felt so lucky that she responded, dr. barry agreed that I was very lucky because not all therapists would do that and actually very few of them do it.
we talked about meds. she said due to what sirena did that she wasnt going to add back any more of my meds for this week. i agreed that i didnt want her to. “so we’re both on the same page then?” she said. “yes, I agreed” we are. I dont feel comfortable adding any more meds back for now. we can just wait for another two weeks before adding back the prozac and lyrica. I just dont want to risk anything else happening and having extra meds around it might.
during our conversation dr. barrys phone rang. she had to step out of the room to talk to whoever was on the phone. i’m used to that happening. it happens quite a lot. i try to not let it bother me. but it can be annoying. we lose our train of thought when her phone rings and she has to answer it.
overall though it was a good apt. i felt great afterwords. she’s really very supportive of me.


The importance of community, connection and altruism in healing trauma.

A great message from a great author about trauma, community and connection…

via The importance of community, connection and altruism in healing trauma.

Guest blogger Eve Adams from Revenge of eve tells her story

Today we have a guest blogger, Eve Adams, from revenge of eve.
Check out eves blog at
Below eve shares her story of what it was like to be an alcoholic, now in recovery, Eve tells us what recovery is like also.

Eve writes…

Under the pseudonym Eve Adams, I write anonymously to express my deepest emotions. Blogging is a secret life and for that reason, I enjoy every moment of it. The mystery it creates allows me free range of speech and for this stage of my life, it seems necessary. I am not ashamed of any lessons that life has taught me through mistakes but privacy is key for me. Through this experience, I have learned to set boundaries by breaking my own. I am sharing my true self and at times this is difficult to do behind a mask. Often I feel like an imposter.

I am Eve, a sober bartender in recovery from alcohol. Yes, you read that right. This month,

April 2018, I will have three years sober.

In the beginning, I worked the graveyard shift at Denny’s. They are a 24-hour establishment that does not serve alcohol. Let me be honest, this is the type of restaurant where servers retire! Lol.. Prior to here, I had an extensive career as a fast-paced bartender in local nightclubs so the difference between the two places isn’t comparable. With that said, part of me was dying with my sobriety, a huge part. I can honestly say that I never thought I would step behind the bar again.

A brief history of what my alcoholism looked like. I was living in a town three hours away from home trying to get sober. Living out of my truck, to be exact, because I was kicked out of many sober living homes. I would sleep and drink in the Walmart parking lot. I did so I would be seen by cameras if something were to happen to me. I did this for about three months until I realized I wasn’t getting sober. I was unemployed for two years at this point, consuming a gallon of vodka a day. I made a trip home to spend my daughters spring break with her. It was here I promised my mother I wouldn’t drink and she gave me yet another chance.

I would go on to getting my job at the 24-hour restaurant and secretly I was drinking. This went on for a year before finally, my daughter said she had enough. I wasn’t hiding it as well as I had thought. I haven’t had a drink since that day, three years ago. I had tried everything. I completed six rehabs along with three mental institution stays, they didn’t work. I should be honest and say I didn’t put in the work. I would be employed at the “graveyard” for a year and a half before moving on to a restaurant that served alcohol. I wasn’t the bartender but I did have to make the drinks for my tables. They didn’t have a morning bartender. I worked here for six months before returning to my job at the casino, serving alcohol.

It was a concern for a few but not for me. I knew that I could not have a drink. It will ruin my life, I have the proof, the medal, and the trophy! I had not one desire to drink so when the position came available to work at a full-service bar, I jumped on it. During my interview, I informed the owner of my drinking history telling him if I had one temptation, I would leave. I value my sobriety.

Suddenly I began to feel life again. The part that was missing was in my career. I never imagined myself to be behind a bar again much less sober. There has been one instance that my anxiety was high and I imagined myself taking a shot. In that very moment, I stepped outside and debated leaving but I stayed because I am strong, not stronger than my disease but strong in my sobriety. I remained outside for a few before shaking it off and walking back in. I have been maintaining two jobs since October 2017 and I am happy to report, sober.

My struggle with being an alcoholic has been minimal. It was getting sober that was the hard part for me, remaining sober hasn’t been easy but doable. I find myself enjoying the simple things in life instead of taking them for granted. Today I am medicated for bipolar. I am a different person from who I once was. I now have patience, compassion, and understanding that others struggle too. I am no longer angry or debate every conversation had. I must admit this is the life I have dreamed of and it is mine. Sober. Positive and truly happy!

good Morning and goals update

hey everyone
how was your night?
mine was, awful. i got no sleep. i tried, man did i try.
but yeah, nothing. just tossing and turning and thinking…ug.
nitro was sleeping, so at least one of us was…
well today have a busy day ahead. have class in the morning, not sure what we’re doing before small break, but at 11 we’re cooking.
then in the afternoon i have my volunteer job…

Goals for today…

take meds
eat 3 healthy meals
participate in cookery class
go volunteering
read for an hour
practice breath work
exercise if possible

have a lovely day everyone!
carol anne