Review of where we’re at in therapy

today in therapy we had a review. a review of where we’re at. of what is working and what isnt working. we reviewed our work so far, we usually do these reviews once a year. just so eileen can get a feel for where we’re at, and what needs to be worked on and how we need to progress.
she asked me what did i feel we needed to focus on for the next little while. i had a list of four things. they were food and weight, anxiety, sleep and dealing with dissociation.
i told her that i feel that sometimes we skip from topic to topic and its a little disconcerting. i said i feel that sometimes we start working with someone or on something and then we get sidetracked because something else or someone else needs attention and the thing we had started working on is forgotten about or pushed to the side for another time. i want to try to change this.
she agreed that maybe we need to structure sessions more. contract to work on one thing at a time for a while. i said maybe if insiders knew and had reassurance that we’d get to their stuff that it might not be so hard for them to hold their stuff. they’d know we’ll get to them eventually.
we talked about the dissociation. eileen said that even though we still dissociate a lot, that we’ve gotten much better at being able to come back, and i said thats pretty much down to her, she catches it when it happens. she asked me how i felt about her noticing, i said I was glad she does.
some of the young insiders didnt like that we were doing a review, they started panicking when we started it. they were afraid of things changing, they dont do well with change, they want things to pretty much stay how they are.
Eileen reassured them that this was just to help her to help us better, and that seems to satisfy them, and they were calm again after a little while.
We talked about what if therapy was done, how would I feel and what would that look like, at this point she had me use the pulsers and we worked with the feelings for a little while, I find it hard to describe the feelings though. I’m just not good at that at all. She was really helpful to me though and she noticed after a while that doing the work with the pulsers was starting to upset me so she turned them off.
I’m glad we did the review today though. I found it helpful to do that with her.

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FROM PIXIE, THERAPY THIS WEEK!

THERAPY THIS WEEK WAS TOUGH!VERY VERY TOUGH! ME AND EILEEN HAD A LOT TO TALK ABOUT. WHEN I FIRST CAME OUT WE TALKED ABOUT SHIRLEY, I TOLD EILEEN THAT SOME OF US DONT PARTICULARLY LIKE IT WHEN SHE’S OUT, BECAUSE HER FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS IMPACT ON US, AND CAUSE INTERNAL CONFUSION AND CHAOS. EILEEN SAID SHE DIDNT KNOW THAT. WE CHATTED FOR A LITTLE WHILE ABOUT IT, AND SHE SAID SHE’D BE MORE MINDFUL OF IT WHEN SHE WORKS WITH SHIRLEY. THEN SHE ASKED ME PIXIE, HOW DID YOU FEEL LAST WEEK, YOU, AND THE REST OF THE DARKS? WHEN I WAS WORKING WITH SHIRLEY, HOW DID YOU FEEL? I STUMBLED OVER MY WORDS, BUT I WAS ABLE TO TELL HER THAT WE FELT FORGOTTEN ABOUT, SINCE FIRST BEFORE CHRISTMAS SHE’D BEEN WORKING WITH EMILY AND HER INSIDERS, AND THEN SHE STARTED WORKING WITH SHIRLEY, AND SO IT FELT LIKE OUR ISSUES WERE BEING NEGLECTED, AND LIKE SHE’D FORGOTTEN ABOUT US. SHE SAID SHE THOUGHT WE’D BE ANGRY WITH HER. I SAID NOT ANGRY, JUST SAD AND FEELING ALONE, I TOLD HER WE NEEDED HER HELP AND SUPPORT, WE FELT ALONE AND LIKE WE’RE DROWNING. SO WE TALKED. WE TALKED ABOUT THE ABUSE, AND WE DISCUSSED A MEMORY FROM WHEN THE BODY WAS SIX YEARS OLD. I TOLD HER OUR ABUSERS ALWAYS TOLD US IT WAS OUR FAULT THEY WERE ABUSING US. THEY SAID MANY THINGS TO US BUT SOME OF THE THINGS THEY SAID WERE, IF YOU DIDNT LOOK LIKE THIS, THEN THIS WOULDNT BE HAPPENING, IF YOU WERE SKINNIER, IF YOU WERENT ALWAYS ACTING THIS OR THAT WAY, IF YOU WERE SOMEHOW DIFFERENT, THEN I WOULDNT BE ABUSING YOU. I TOLD HER HOW THERE WAS ALSO THE FACT THAT WE HAD TO PARTICIPATE IN ABUSING OTHERS, AND IF WE DIDNT, WE’D END UP HURT IN WORSE WAYS, AND IF WE DID IT THEN OTHER KIDS WERE HURT, AND THEN WE HAD HUGE GUILT BECAUSE WE HELPED TO HURT OTHER KIDS. EILEEN SAID WE WERE TRAPPED, AND IT WAS IN NO WAY OUR FAULT. SHE ASKED ME IF I BELIEVED IT. I SAID LOGICALLY I KNEW IT BUT MOSTLY I DIDNT BELIEVE IT WASNT MY FAULT. I TOLD HER NONE OF THE DARKS REALLY BELIEVED IT WASNT OUR FAULT. SHE SAID WE WERE POWERLESS BACK THEN, WE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE, WE WERE POWERLESS, BUT NOW, NOW WE ARENT POWERLESS ANY MORE. WE DONT LIVE IN DUBLIN NOW, AND DUBLIN IS OVER, WE’LL NEVER HAVE TO GO BACK THERE AGAIN. SHE ASKED ME IF I KNEW THAT IT WAS OVER. I SAID I DID. THEN I STARTED FEELING THE YOUNG PARTS COMING THROUGH, THEY WERE LISTENING IN AND STARTED REACTING TO WHAT EILEEN WAS SAYING TO ME. EILEEN SAID SHE WANTED THE KIDS TO GO TO THE INTERNAL ROOM WE MADE, AND STAY THERE, SHE SAID THIS WAS ADULT STUFF AND THE KIDS DONT HAVE TO PARTICIPATE IN IT. THEN WE DECIDED TO DO A LITTLE WORK WITH THE PULSERS, WE WORKED WITH FEELINGS THAT WERE CROPPING UP IN OUR BODY, TENTION, ANXIOUS FEELINGS, PTSD TYPE SYMPTOMS, WE TRACKED THOSE FOR A WHILE. THAT WAS SUPER HARD. I FOUND IT HARD NOT TO DISSOCIATE. EILEEN KEPT HAVING TO BRING ME BACK TO THE ROOM, BACK INTO THE PRESENT. IT WAS HARD NOT TO FLOAT AWAY, DISSOCIATE ALL THE FEELINGS. BUT I MANAGED, SOMEHOW NOT TO DO IT. IT WAS A GOOD SESSION. IM GLAD I GOT TO TALK. I LOVE HOW INTUATIVE EILEEN IS. SHE ALWAYS ALWAYS HAS GOOD ADVICE. I LOVE HOW MINDFUL SHE IS OF THE DARKS, OF OUR NEEDS. IT FEELS SO GOOD. WE FEEL VALIDATED, AND SAFE IN HER PRESENCE. SAFE AND SECURE IN HER OFFICE. JUST THE SOUND OF HER VOICE MAKES US FEEL AT EASE. I’M JUST SO GLAD SHE’S OUR THERAPIST. SHE TOLD ME ONE INTERESTING FACT ABOUT THE BRAIN. I HAD BEEN TALKING TO HER ABOUT REMEMBERING MEMORIES FROM MY CHILDHOOD, I SAID I DONT REALLY REMEMBER MANY GOOD ONES, AND SHE TOLD ME THAT THE BRAIN HAS A HABIT OF ONLY REMEMBERING THE NEGATIVE MEMORIES, EVEN IF THERE ARE LOTS OF GOOD ONES. IT WILL SWING TOWARDS REMEMBERING ONLY THE NEGATIVE, BECAUSE THAT IS HOW OUR BRAINS ARE WIRED. I FOUND THIS TO BE REALLY INTERESTING. I WAS FIGURING I WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO COULDNT REMEMBER ANYTHING FROM CHILDHOOD, AND I WAS PUTTING IT DOWN TO HAVING DID, BUT EILEEN TOLD ME SHE BARELY REMEMBERS ANYTHING FROM AGES 5 6 AND 7 EITHER. SHE SAID SHE ONLY HAS GLIMPSES FROM BACK THEN. SO ITS GOOD I AM NOT ALONE IN THAT. ANYWAY I AM SURE GLAD I HAD THERAPY TIME THIS WEEK. FEELS SO GOOD TO JUST BE ABLE TO TALK.
PIXIE

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Taryn meets Eileen

hi. my name is taryn. i am 17. i thought i’d write a little bit about my experience today in therapy. liz started the session off, but then i came forward, as eileen wanted to talk to someone in the darks, liz’s system, who was not doing well.
you see things havent been great for any of us lately. we got an email last week, from a past abuser. they really set us off, triggered us. they emailed and basically asked us to meet up with them over the weekend. this past weekend had ritual dates in it. dates which are important when you are a survivor of RA. anyway our abuser wanted to meet us to no doubt hurt us in some way.
we didnt respond to the email. but some of us wanted too. i was one of the insiders here who thought we needed to respond. wendy and me had an argument about it. she told me i shouldnt, but i kept thinking i should. eileen reminded me today that that was a younger part of me wanting to do that. since she’d been told that if she didnt comply she’d be killed or seriously hurt in some way.
eileen asked me if i’d like to work a little bit with my memories today. i said i’d try. so we worked a little with the pulsers. i kept having an image come up. an image of when i was 8 years old. an image of being tied up with rope, and left alone, in the cold and in the dark. that was just a part of the memory. i cant really say any more than that about it since its really upsetting. i dont want to go there not just yet.
eileen was so kind to me today. she was so gentle. she kept telling me that it was back then and not now. she told me about our life now, since i dont come out that often and so i didnt know much about our life now. she told me all the things we’re doing on a daily basis. that was so good to hear. i didnt even know we’re in college now. that sure was news to me.
we talked about the contact, and eileen asked me if i felt powerless. i said i did. i said i felt like no matter what we do, even if we dont contact the abusers, that something bad will happen to us. she said thats a memory. that it more than likely wont. that we have CCTV on our house now, i said i knew that, and that actually that had kinda deterred them, she asked me how long it has been since something physical happened, like since they physically hurt us. its been 3 years. the last time they hurt us they actually hurt emily and taylor. they came to our home and taylor let them in.
eileen reminded me that the only way now that they can hurt us is if someone goes to meet them, or lets them into our home. i told her they dont stick around now when they do come by our house, as they dont want to be caught on CCTV. eileen asked me if we’d ever reported the emails to the police. i said no. we dont trust the police. we’ve had bad experiences with them in the past, so now we dont trust them.
eileen asked me who in the system I trusted. I said liz. then she said liz is the most honest person she’s ever met. she’s real. she says it like it is. she speaks the truth. of course liz was delighted to hear eileen say all those nice things about her. she’s right though. liz is awesome.
so then eileen asked me about the part who is frozen, cuz today we kept having a frozen part coming out. she kept holding our breath, and dissociating, and feeling like she couldnt move, so then none of us could move either.
so she had me make a bedroom for her inside, where she can be until next time, until we can get to do some work with her in session, probably next week. so i made a comfortable room for her to be in, with bean bags, a warm bed, blankets, toys in it etc.
so basically that was my session. the session flew by so fast. it seemed like i was there one minute, and the next minute eileen was saying we were almost finished, and can liz take us home. i was glad to let liz come back out. i feel so tired now. i will probably go back inside for the evening now and rest for the rest of the evening.
Taryn

Flooded with a memory

Frozen in place
No smile on my face
Flashing back in time
To a memory
31 years ago
But time goes so slow
Cant think or breathe
Don’t want to be me
Don’t want it to be real
I just cant feel
Feels too raw
Too painful
In a vulnerable space
Trying to remember
The sootheing tone
Of my therapists voice
As she gently guides me
To safety
Liz

Nervousness

I am so nervous right now. I woke up feeling very anxious. I have therapy this morning in a few hours. I am anxious about it. I feel really edgy and agitated. Like something bad is going to happen during our session. It probably wont, but I just feel like it will. This happens to us sometimes before therapy. Its not unusual.

Then later today I have Nitro’s aftercare. I am also nervous about that. I feel like maybe his trainer will judge me. That maybe his work is no longer that good, since we havent done much in the past while. I hope she wont be too hard on me. She’s a nice person, so my gut feeling is she wont. She may want to talk about retiring nitro. I am ready but sad about it.

I hope we can have a few more months before he retires. I will of course keep him after he retires, so that isnt an issue for me. I have to tell her though that I dont want another dog, not right now anyway. I hope that my decision will be respected.

So a busy day ahead for us. At least we slept for a few hours. I am glad about that. I wouldnt want to be tired going into today.

SO I WAS A TRIGGERED MESS IN THERAPY TODAY!

YES I WAS! AN ANXIOUS, TRIGGERED, DISSOCIATIVE MESS. BUT I GOT THROUGH IT! EILEEN WAS GREAT! SHE REALLY HELPED US TO GET THROUGH IT. SHE HELD US, WHICH FELT SO GOOD, AND WAS SO CONTAINING, SHE CAME AND SAT BY ME, HELD ME WITH HER HANDS ON EITHER SIDE OF MY BACK AND SHOULDERS, IT WAS SO, SO SOOTHEING! I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THIS BUT I FELT SO LOVED, SO SUPPORTED, SO SAFE. IT REALLY FELT GOOD, INTENSE, BUT ALSO GOOD TOO.
WE FOUND A LITTLE ONE, ABOUT 8 OR 9, WHO WAS REALLY TRIGGERED, SHE WAS HAVING MEMORIES OF BEING IN DUBLIN, IN THE BORDING SCHOOL, SHE HOLDS A MEMORY OF WHEN WE HAD OUR NOSE BROKEN BY ANOTHER PUPIL, BASICALLY SHE HOLDS THE MEMORY OF BEING LEFT FOR DAYS WITHOUT TREATMENT, AND FEELING HORRIBLE AND UNCARED ABOUT, INVALIDATED AND UNIMPORTANT.
SO EILEEN HAD ME WORK A LITTLE WITH THE PULSERS, AND I HELPED HER BY MAKING HER A BEDROOM INSIDE, AND WE PUT HER IN THERE TO REST. RIGHT NOW SHE’S PETRIFIED, TERRIFIED AND VERY FEARFUL AND SCARED OF EVERYTHING, I AM SURE IN TIME THAT WILL CHANGE, BUT FOR NOW, SHE NEEDS TO REST. WE MANAGED TO TAKE HER OUT OF THE PAST, OUT OF THE MEMORY AND OUT OF DUBLIN, AND NOW SHE’S IN MY SYSTEM INSIDE AND SHE WILL BE LOOKED AFTER, CARED ABOUT AND I WILL MAKE SURE THAT SHE’S SAFE AND OK.
SOMETHING ELSE CAME UP TOO FOR ME. I GOT FRUSTRATED AT BEING TRIGGERED, AND HAVING TO DEAL WITH THE KIDS, I THINK IT WAS MORE SOME OF THE OTHER TEENS THAN ME, BUT I WAS THE ONE HAVING THE SESSION SO IT MANIFESTED ITSELF IN ME BECOMING ANGRY, AND IMPATIENT, AND EILEEN REMINDING ME THAT ACTUALLY OUR FEELINGS ARE WHAT LET US KNOW WE’RE ALIVE, AND ITS OK TO FEEL THEM. ITS OK IF I AM A MESS, SHE’S HERE, NOT GOING ANYWHERE, SHE IS HERE SUPPORTING ME THROUGH IT. THANK GOD FOR HER!
BUT YEAH, FELT WEIRD, I FELT SO ANXIOUS AT THE START, THEN WHEN EILEEN HELD ME SHE CONTAINED IT A LITTLE, BUT THE WEIRD THING WAS, WHEN SHE TOOK HER HANDS AWAY TO GO GET THE PULSERS, I STARTED PANICKING AGAIN, LIKE, I NEEDED HER TO BE THERE TO CONTAIN MY ANXIETY AND FEAR.
SHE NEVER TAKES HER HANDS AWAY WITHOUT WARNING ME SHE’S ABOUT TO DO THAT. SO WHEN I STARTED PANICKING, SHE HAD ME TALK TO HER AND SHE KEPT TALKING TO ME WHILE SHE WALKED ACROSS THE ROOM, AND THAT HELPED A LITTLE. THEN SHE CAME BACK AND REPOSITIONED HER HANDS AROUND ME AGAIN, AND I FELT OK. WEIRD HOW IT HAPPENED LIKE THAT THOUGH.
IT WAS A GOOD SESSION, BUT NOW I AM DRAINED, I FEEL SO TIRED, THINK I’LL GO READ, AND REST FOR A WHILE.
LIZ

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Anxious about therapy

have therapy in an hour. dont want to go.

feel so anxious about it. not sure what will come up today. dont want to find out.

just wish I could skp it altogether. Not wanting to face it. feel so overwhelmed. I’ll probably end up a sobbing mess on eileen. She’ll have to pick me up off the floor and I’ll be a crying dissociative mess.

insiders feel panicky and scared.

this is not good! Not good!

Ug I wanna run! Thats what I am hearing from inside!

Ug sigh!

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