Processing our car accident using EMDR

so as i said we processed the accident in todays therapy session. not all of it but just some of what happened. we used EMDR to do this. First of all Eileen had me fill out a questionaire. It was a questionaire to see how impacted I am by what happened, like how much its effecting me. So she asked me a ton of questions, and I had to give an answer out of 5 different options. The answers ranged from not at all, a little bit, moderate, a lot and extremely. Some of the questions were about feelings, whether I am feeling a lot due to what happened, whether I was able to discuss it, whether I am sleeping, things like that. There were a bunch of them maybe aroune 20 questions. So anyway I scored a total overall score of 64. Eileen said that 64 meant things were still really running for us after the accident. After doing the questionaire we started using the pulsers. Eileen had me talk about what we were doing beforehand. Like before it happened. We discussed that for a few minutes. Then we got into the detail of the accident. Discussing that was extremely difficult. I cried, a lot. I panicked. I was shaky. I was palpitating and sweating as i talked. It was super hard. But we did it. We got through it. We talked about feeling responsible for what happened. The reason I say we felt responsible is because we’d been going to a grocery store to get groceries for me. If I’d chosen a different store, like I had planned on doing, we’d have never been in the accident. It would have never happened. Eileen asked me if I still feel responsible now. I told her no, that now that we’ve taught about it some more, we know the driver is actually responsible, the driver of the other car I mean. That he chose to drive drunk. He chose to hit us and then drive off. We happened to be there at the wrong time. Thats all. None of it was our fault. I know that now. Then eileen asked us if we know its over. Some of us didnt realise that. Even though physically its over, we are still reliving it every day. Still having flashbacks from it. Still reliving the accident over and over in our head and in our mind. She said to try to remember, that the chances of this sort of thing happening again are very slim. That even if we were to be in another accident, the exact same thing would never happen, in the exact same way as it did this time. This particular accident is over. And while there are no guarantees we wont be involved in another one, that this one is over. And we are safe. She kept reassuring the kids we’re safe. Its over. They were so scared. Very very spooked by remembering today. I told her how some of them are scared of the “scary man” as they put it. The man who hit us. They think that he’s out to hurt them. No amount of telling them that he actually wasnt out to get them is helping. So eileen started to tell them today that actually, he would have hit anyone, and he definitely wasnt trying to just hit us, like, its just, we were in the totally wrong place at the wrong time, and he hit us because he was drunk, and not because he meant to hurt any of us, when I say meant I mean he didnt hit us because he knew us and was meaning to kill or injure us because he knew us. The kids still arent fully convinced, but eileen telling them that did help some. We talked a lot about the aftermath of the accident. About the hospital and about the police coming and what happened. Eileen said that our recall might be a little fuzzy and she was right. A lot of what happened seems blurry to me now. I have to go make a statement soon to the police, and I am dreading it. I am dreading it because I am triggered by police. We all are. That is because we’ve had some bad experiences with the police in the past not believing us about abuse we’ve gone through. So we’re all just scared of talking to them now. Eileen said she wasnt sure how much use we’d be to them, since we werent able to see to witness what went on, and I agree. But I think we’ll still have to give our version of events to them, as we were in the car and we were there on the day in question. We were a part of what happened. Im glad we processed things a little bit. We’re going to work some more on it over the next few months. But for now thats all we were able to do. Eileen said she was really proud of us. She said we did great work today. I’m really proud of us too. It definitely wasnt easy to process it.

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Its finally november, yay!

And octobers finally over! Halloween is behind us! I am just so thrilled that its finally november!
I had therapy this morning. I am incredibly tired now. It was a painful session. We processed the accident. We couldnt decide on what to work on at first, but we went with processing the accident since we’re still having so many ptsd symptoms from it.
I will write more on it later. Right now I need to rest for a while. I think I’ll go read. Halloween is over for another year, and I’ve never been happier about that.

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Question of the day

So today, my question to you is this…

What has benefited you most in your healing journey?

For me, it is a few things. Writing is one. Having this blog, somewhere to share, has helped me so so much. I love my blog. I love all of you my blog buddies. Your all amazing and you’ve been so kind to me. It doesn’t go unnoticed.

Having a therapist has also helped us greatly. Its hard work but so worth it. Processing memories, doing EMDR is hard. But I wouldn’t change it for the world. I have gotten so much out of therapy.

Music, reading, hot tea, essential oils, my dog, all also help me.

So what helps you and has benefited you in your healing?

Doing some EMDR

therapy was good. intense. we did EMDR. That was good but man it was intense.
I got so much from it though. We worked on memory processing. Normally I’d rail against that but today I didn’t. Today I actually felt up to working through some memories. I felt like we could do that without actually drowning in grief and pain and trauma…
We also worked with our body. Noticing the feelings coming up. Noticing how our body felt when they came up. Just noticing…it was great. Normally I’m shit at noticing my body. I am so unaware of things and of how it feels. Not today though. Today I did good.
We worked on grounding techniques too. On coming into the here and now, coming into the present moment. Eileen worked with liz and Emily on this. And me too of course. But while she worked with us, she also invited other insiders to come into the conference room and watch what was happening, and feel it through us. We can do that. So that’s what we did. It was good.
All in all it was a great session. I’m tired now. I think a restful evening is in order. An evening where I can just chillax. Chill out. Don’t have to be anywhere or do anything either. And I don’t. My sister will drop me home in a little while, and I think I am going to just veg out this evening.
I need time to process. Time to reflect on todays session. We talked about our next couple of sessions today also. We’ll have one next Monday, and then the week of Halloween Monday is a bank holidays. We’re going to make up for it though and have our session on Thursday that week. Then the following week its back to Monday, and then Eileen is out on a training course on the 12th for a week.
She knew we’d be having a really hard time the week of Halloween, so she didn’t want us missing a session that week. I love that she’s so aware, so careful about us not having to miss any of our sessions. It really means so much to me that she is so aware of our needs.

LIZ: WORKING HARD IN THERAPY

SO TODAYS SESSION WAS INTENSE. I HAD MOST OF IT. I WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. WE WORKED WITH A MEMORY. IT WAS A MEMORY OF THE FIRST TIME WE WERE ABUSED AT A RITUAL. IT WAS SO SO HARD. I DONT THINK I’VE EVER HAD TO WORK SO HARD AS I DID TODAY. THE IMAGES THAT WERE COMING UP WERE SO AWFUL. SO RAW. I WAS FEELING INTENSE FEELINGS. FEELINGS THAT I HAVE NEVER FELT. EILEEN KEPT ASKING ME WHAT WAS THE PICTURE, WHAT WAS MY BELIEF ABOUT MYSELF BACK THEN, AND WHAT DID I WANT TO HAVE AS A BELIEF NOW. ITS ALL PART OF THE EMDR. PLUS SHE HAD ME IMAGINE I WAS ACTUALLY LOOKING AT THE LIGHTS, EVEN THOUGH I CANT SEE THEM. SHE TOLD ME TO IMAGINE THAT I COULD. IMAGINE MY EYES GOING OVER AND BACK AS IF I WAS LOOKING AT THE LIGHTS ON THE PULSERS WHILE THEY VIBRATED IN MY HANDS. I COULD DO IT BUT BOY WAS IT HARD! SO I GOT IN TOUCH WITH AN 8 YEAR OLD PART. SHE WAS STUCK BACK IN THE PAST, BACK IN THE MEMORY. SHE WAS SO FEARFUL, TRAUMATISED, JUST PANICKING. EILEEN KEPT ASKING ME HOW I FELT TOWARDS HER. AT FIRST I SAID I WASNT SURE. BUT THEN I SAID I FELT PROTECTIVE OF HER. I FELT LIKE I WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND BRING HER OUT OF THAT PLACE. SO EILEEN SAID WE COULD. SHE SAID IT WAS SAFE FOR HER TO COME OUT OF THERE NOW. IT WAS SAFE FOR HER TO COME WITH ME. SHE ASKED ME WHAT I THOUGHT SHE NEEDED. THAT WAS A HARD QUESTION. I KNEW WHAT I WANTED TO SAY BUT COULDNT FIND WORDS. LUCKILY EILEEN IS VERY GOOD AT HELPING ME TO FIND THE WORDS. SO SHE DID AND I WAS ABLE TO TELL HER THAT I THOUGHT SHE NEEDED REASSURANCE THAT SHE WAS SAFE, THAT IT WAS OVER, THAT ITS IN THE PAST. I TOLD HER I THINK SHE NEEDS TO BE SOMEWHERE SAFE ON THE INSIDE, WHERE SHE CAN REST, STAY WARM, COMFORTABLE, AND RELAX AND BE CALM. EILEEN AGREED THIS WAS ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD IDEA. SO THEN WE WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. I WAS ABLE TO BRING UP A SAFE PLACE INSIDE AND VISUALISE HER GOING THERE. YEAH…I TOLD YOU WE WORKED HARD. I WAS SO DRAINED AT THE END OF IT! I CAME HOME AND I SLEPT FOR THE AFTERNOON! EILEEN HAD TOLD ME TO REST WHEN I GOT HOME. SO I ATE AND THEN I RESTED. I DREAMED WHEN I WAS SLEEPING, BUT EILEEN HAD SAID I MIGHT. SHE SAID DREAMING IS ALSO PART OF THE EMDR AND THAT IS THE EMDR WORKING, IT IS US PROCESSING THE TRAUMATIC experiences AND THE SESSION. I’M HAPPY WITH HOW IT WENT, THOUGH. REALLY, REALLY HAPPY WITH IT.
LIZ

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HAD A SUB FOR LUNCH

SO I JUST GOT HOME FROM THERAPY. I WENT AND I AM SO GLAD I DID. I REALLY AM. WE DID SOME REALLY INTENSE WORK. I’LL TRY TO WRITE ABOUT IT LATER ON TODAY.

ON THE WAY HOME I ASKED THE TAXI DRIVER TO STOP OFF AT SUBWAY. I FELT LIKE HAVING A SUB FOR MY LUNCH. ITS A REAL TREAT FOR US. WE RARELY EAT SUBWAY ANY MORE SINCE WE STARTED LOSING WEIGHT. I WENT ALL OUT. I GOT MYSELF A MEAL DEAL, WHICH IS A FOOT LONG SUB, CRISPS AND A DRINK. I GOT ITALIAN BREAD, WITH CHICKEN, BACON, PEPORONI AND SPICY CHEESE, AND SOUTH WEST SAUCE! AND I HAVE TO SAY GUYS, IT WAS DELICIOUS!

NOW I’M TOTALLY STUFFED BUT FEELING VERY SATISFIED. NOW THE PROCESSING OF THIS MORNINGS SESSION CAN BEGIN. I JUST NEEDED TO FILL UP WITH FOOD FIRST, LOL.

OVERALL I AM FEELING GOOD THOUGH, AND THATS NOT A BAD THING.
LIZ

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Not a lot of sleep

I didn’t sleep too well last night. I was tired, and I went to bed and was watching tv, and was falling asleep watching it, so I turned off the tv, and I did sleep for a few hours, but I woke at 4 AM and couldn’t get back to sleep, so got up.

I have therapy at 10. I am enjoying the peace and quiet of the early morning. I am enjoying a nice cup of tea. I am wondering how therapy will go. I’m sure it will be ok. We are doing a lot of hard work at the moment. There is no anxiety around going today though which is nice.

I have to go to my GP later today and see the nurse, I am getting my flu injection. Mom is going too she’s also getting one. My sister will take us and drop us off on her way to work, I will just have a little time to grab lunch when I get home from therapy before I will have to be ready to leave.

I also have to go get dog food today. I just have enough to feed nitro this morning. I buy a months worth of dog food at once. Luckily my cheque came in so I have the money to go buy it for him. I’ll do it after I see the nurse and then my sister will drop me home afterwords.

So yep I have a busy day ahead!