doing EMDR really spooked me

this is misty. i am 15. i have had a scary morning, i came out during therapy, because liz was doing EMDR with eileen, and i was nearby, and the pulsers spooked me, i felt scared of them, the feel of them buzzing in my hand made me freak out.
eileen talked to me and we talked a lot about feelings, i told her it felt as if something was going to spill out all over the place and leak out everywhere causing a huge mess.
she asked me to describe my feelings to her, i had a hard time doing that. im not good at describing things. i dont come out a lot, time and places dont really mean a lot to me, i know we have a house and live on our own, but i rarely am out, so eileen suggested that liz sticks by me, and when liz is out i can experience some of what that is like through her.
that felt safer to me, i feel safe with liz. i admire liz, look up to her, i do have a friend inside, her name is clara.
i dont think i want to open too much stuff up just yet, its too scary, im afraid, afraid of what will happen when i do.
eileen said its like a balloon, we can untie the knot in it, let a little of the air out and then tie it back up again, she said we dont have to let all of the air out at once. she said she wouldnt let us do that, she doesnt want to destabilise us, thats not her intent.
im glad. maybe i will use the pulsers at some point in the future, when they dont feel so scary to me.

dark kids: Creating a room with Eileen in it

hihi
its ebony and kia. we are 7 and 11. we had some time witheileen today in therapy.
we was real scared. we been having lots of icky memories coming up.
Eileen was so kind ta us. we was waiting to see her all weekend. it was a long weekend of waiting.
she sat by us today. and she said she can support us. she put her hand on our shoulder, cuz we wasn’t ready for a hug yet.
That felt nice. safe. felt good. we like that she sat by us.
we decide to create a room for the dark kids. a room like eileens office.
so that’s what we did. we made it esactly like her office is.
she said she can go in there with us. and we can sit with her in there when we’re sad or scared.
I like that idea. it fils safer ta us that shes in there with us.
we also took all of the bad memories, and we are going to leave them in her office. well not in there, but outside of it, in a big container, a huge one.
and we’ll look at them when we feel more ready and lesser scared ta do that.
but until then eileens mindin them for us!
so yeah that’s good, right? feels good we aren’t alone with them!
we only had about 15 minutes today but we’ll have more time next week!
and im glad we gots Eileen ta help us! shes kind and she care bout us!
frum ebony and kia, ages 7 and 11

Back to therapy tomorrow!

We’re going back to therapy tomorrow! Yay!
I am so relieved!
I am relieved Eileen recovered quickly from her tummy bug!
Some of the insiders are not looking forward to therapy. I am, some of the kids are. Allie, Taylor, Lexi, all are.
Liz, not so much. I think because she has stuff going on for her. Stuff she needs to talk about.
We’re hoping that we wont lose our shit in the morning and end up going there in a bad state! Sometimes that happens for us!
I should probably text eileen in the morning before we leave. Let her know how we’re doing. Just so she knows what to expect.
Actually that is a good idea, I think I’ll do that.
Liz’s system, some of them are really panicking. They dont like talking about stuff. It feels like they shouldnt, they feel like its wrong to talk, even to eileen about their feelings, about whats coming up for them.
I’m sure once we get there they’ll calm down. Eileen has a great way of calming them down. She is really good at doing that.
Of course we arent able to relax tonight. Or sleep. Lucky for us we slept a little bit earlier. So we are wide awake now. Wide awake and mostly fretting and being emotional. Well Liz’s system are, and the feelings are filtering down to me.
I just am hoping that the session will be a good one tomorrow! Fingers crossed for us!

THERAPY SESSION: WORKING WITH LITTLE LIZ AND TALKING ABOUT DID AND TRAUMA

HI. ITS LIZ. THERAPY WAS TOUGH FOR ME TODAY. I HAD TO ADMIT TO SOMETHING THAT I RARELY TALK ABOUT. YOU SEE, I HAVE AN INSIDER INSIDE OF ME, CALLED LITTLE LIZ. SHE’S 5. I RARELY TALK ABOUT HER. I FEEL FRUSTRATED THAT SHE’S THERE, LIKE THAT MAKES ME SOMEHOW WEAK, OR SOMETHING. LITTLE LIZ ALWAYS COMES OUT WHEN I AM MAD, OR SAD, OR WHATEVER AND SAYS LIZ IS MAD, OR LIZ IS SAD, LIZ IS…WHATEVER IT IS I AM FEELING AT THAT TIME. SHE BASICALLY WARNS PEOPLE ABOUT HOW I AM FEELING. SHE NEVER TALKS ABOUT HERSELF. SHE NEVER SPEAKS IN FIRST PERSON TERMS. ITS ALWAYS LIZ IS…AND THEN WHATEVER IT IS I AM FEELING. WHEN EILEEN AND ME WERE TALKING ABOUT ATTACHMENT STUFF TODAY, AND ABOUT HOW TRIGGERED I GOT ON FRIDAY, EILEEN SAID THAT MORE THAN LIKELY IT WAS LITTLE LIZ WHO WAS SO TRIGGERED. THERE ARE ALSO A FEW PARTS WHO ARE AROUND 11 OR 12, THAT ARE ALSO INSIDE OF ME, THAT I NEVER KNEW ANYTHING ABOUT UNTIL TODAY, UNTIL EILEEN POINTED IT OUT TO ME THAT ONE OF THEM HAD COME FORWARD LAST WEEK, AND SAID THAT SHE DIDNT HAVE A NAME, BUT THAT SHE SOMETIMES COMES OUT AND PRETENDS TO BE ME. EILEEN SAID SHE’S PROBABLY PROTECTING LITTLE LIZ. AND THE WAY THINGS HAVE BEEN ORGANISED, IT WAS PROBABLY HER JOB TO DO THAT BACK WHEN THE ABUSE WAS TAKING PLACE. I AGREED. WE DID A LITTLE EMDR TODAY AND WORKED WITH LITTLE LIZ. I FELT SO VULNERABLE. IT WAS SO HARD TO TALK ABOUT HER AND BE WITH HER, BUT EILEEN ASKED ME TO NOTICE HER, AND IF I COULD TO TELL HER WHAT SHE’S LIKE. SO I TOLD HER. I SAW HER AS SMALL FOR HER AGE, AND FEARFUL, AND ANXIOUS. I COULDNT STAY AROUND HER FOR TOO LONG, IT WAS TOO PAINFUL. BUT WE MADE A START ON WORKING WITH HER, AND EILEEN SAID WE’LL WORK WITH HER SOME MORE OVER THE COMING WEEKS. A LITTLE AT A TIME WAS WHAT SHE SAID. THEN WE GOT ON TO TALKING ABOUT DID AND TRAUMA, I’D SENT HER A LINK TO A VIDEO ABOUT RITUAL ABUSE, FROM AN AUTHOR ALISON MILLER, WHOSE WRITTEN TWO BOOKS ON THE SUBJECT ONE FOR THERAPISTS AND ONE FOR SURVIVORS. I HAD EILEEN EXPLAIN THE DIFFERENT LEVELS OF DISSOCIATION TO ME, WHICH SHE DID AND I LISTENED. I KNEW SOME OF WHAT SHE SAID BUT NOT ALL OF IT. SHE SAID WE HAVE THE TURSHORY DISSOCIATION, WHICH IS THE MOST SEVERE KIND. THERE ARE ALSO PRIMARY AND SECONDARY DISSOCIATION, BUT IN THOSE TWO THE PERSON IS AWARE OF THE PARTS, AND KNOWS ALL OF THEIR MEMORIES, AND KNOWS WHAT THE PARTS ARE HOLDING ETC. IN THE TURSHORY ONE, THAT IS WHERE THERE ARE ALTER PARTS, SPLIT OFF, AND HOLDING MEMORIES, AMNESIC BARRIERS ETC. IT MADE SENSE. SHE SAID MORE THERAPIST NOWADAYS ARE LEARNING ABOUT TRAUMA AND DISSOCIATION, ITS A RELATIVELY NEW DISCIPLINE, SHE SAID THAT TRAUMA AND DISSOCIATION GO HAND IN HAND. I AGREE THEY DO. WE SPENT A WHILE DISCUSSING THAT, AND THEN EILEEN WANTED TO KNOW HOW THE SYSTEM FELT ABOUT WHAT SHE’D SAID. I TOLD HER THEY’D WELCOMED IT. IT WAS HUGE FOR US AS IN THE PAST MOST THERAPISTS AND OTHER PROFESSIONALS CONSIDERED OUR DID TO BE RARE, OR SOMETHING TO BE SCARED OF. WE TALKED A LITTLE ABOUT THE DARK ADULTS IN MY SYSTEM THEN. WE DISCUSSED HOW THEY ARE SO DISTRUCTIVE AND ABUSIVE TOWARDS OTHER INSIDERS. EILEEN SAID ITS PROBABLY BECAUSE THEY ARE SO ANGRY ABOUT WHAT THEY’VE GONE THROUGH, HAD TO DO IN ORDER TO SURVIVE. SHE ASKED THEM TO MAKE AN AGREEMENT WITH HER THAT THEY WONT HARM ANY OF THE YOUNG INSIDERS THIS WEEK, AND SHE TOLD THEM THEY CAN EMAIL HER IF THEY WANT TO. SHE SAID SHE’S MAKING HERSELF AVAILABLE TO THEM AND TO EMAIL HER IF THEY FEEL OVERWHELMED. SHE OFFERED THEM THAT IF THEY’D LIKE TO WE CAN WORK IN THERAPY WITH THEIR FEELINGS BUT ONLY IF THEY’RE COMFORTABLE DOING THAT. THEY SEEMED CURIOUS ALTHOUGH THEY DIDNT COMMIT TO ANYTHING. THEY DID AGREE NOT TO HARM ANY OF THE INSIDERS THOUGH SO THAT WAS PROGRESS. IT WAS A REALLY PRODUCTIVE SESSION. I FELT DRAINED WHEN I GOT HOME BUT I DIDNT NAP. I’M A LITTLE WOUND UP NOW, WIRED AND I DOUBT I WILL SLEEP TOONIGHT. IF I DONT I WILL JUST HAVE TO KEEP MYSELF AMUSED, THANKFULLY MY DAY TOMORROW DOESNT LOOK OVERLY BUSY, ALTHOUGH I DO HAVE TO WORK, AND I DO HAVE SLIMMING WORL TOMORROW EVENING. I HOPE I GET A FEW HOURS OF SLEEP TONIGHT, EVEN 2 OR 3. WE SHALL SEE I GUESS WHAT HAPPENS. FOR NOW THOUGH I’M HAPPY WITH HOW THERAPY WENT.
LIZ

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Therapy session: bodywork and taking my space

today in therapy we did a lot of very tough work. mostly it was around noticing my body, eileen is training in somatic experience, that is, in body work, and how to use your body in the therapy room, how to become aware of it, notice it, the sensations and feelings and all that.
its very intense work. but also really good. for us, our body is scary to us. we dont notice things about it very often. in fact we are very shut down a lot of the time. even breathing is scary. we also did some breath work today, and eileen had to keep reminding me to breathe, she kept telling me that it was ok for me to breathe now, I am safe and its ok to take deep breaths.
we did a sort of experiment. she had me stand up, spread out my arms either side of me, and then feel all of the space that there is which she said is my personal space. It made me really think! I rarely think about personal space. I tend to allow people to do whatever they want to me, and even if I dont feel right, I still allow them to come into my space, get really close to me and I dont question it.
at one point, She asked me if she could stand behind me to show me something and I am like, sure you can, I didnt even think about it, of course I am fine with her doing that, but she said afterwords that maybe she acted too quickly, and she didnt think that maybe for me it would not feel good or safe. It did feel ok, but she was just saying how she should could have done things a little differently and been more mindful of my personal space.
It was an eye opening session. I learned loads. We’re going to continue to work on this over the next few weeks. I do find it particularly hard to feel my body, and be aware of it. I find it very challenging. I’m sure I can learn though and with eileens help I know I can become better at becoming more aware of my body and of what I am feeling sensations etc.
She said we can go very slow. I think thats good. I need to go slow. I need to do this, but at a snails pace.
And on another note, her husband is doing much better, he’s coming out of hospital soon which I am so glad about. I am happy to hear he’s doing better. Eileen is not back at work yet though. She’s only seeing us and she’s not seeing any of her other clients. She isnt sure when she’ll be back at work yet. But it doesnt effect us, it was so kind of her to keep seeing us.
I am so grateful to her for that. I really appreciate her thoughtfulness and kindness in continuing to see us.

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Eileen has a secret? update on that

so its all worked out! we know now where eileens going next week! Heres what she said in her email back to me!
chance
Hello all, I am so sorry! It is in no way that I wanted to keep a secret, I just know how much you worry and wanted to save you from that. Im going to Krakow in Poland. Of course I can understand now that my response would have actually caused more worry rather that alleviate it. I think we had that conversation at the last minute and I didnt have time to consider the impact my answer was bound to have.
Apologies again
Take care
Eileen

thank goodness she told us! I am so glad she did, now we just have to try not to worry about her too much! We promised her we would try hard not to worry too much and just focus on her getting back and on seeing her for our session on wednesday!
chance

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She has a secret!

And I dont like it! I dont like secrets!

She wouldnt tell us where she’s going next week for her conference on EMDR! She said we dont need to worry about where it is going to be on at!

But we do worry! We wanna know she’s ok and safe!

We arent trying to be nosey in asking!

I dont like having secrets! They are triggering to me!

So I emailed her. Here is what I said.

eileen,
how come you didnt want to tell us where you’ll be next week, where the conference is at?
are you worried we’ll do something bad with the information?
we just wanted to know you are going to be ok!
we worry about you when your not nearby. we werent trying to be nosey when we asked.
we dont like secrets. its triggering to us.
chance and some of the teens

I hope she’ll get back to me! Even if she still wont tell me, I want her to know that acting like its some huge secret is a huge trigger for us.

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