How our Monday went

Well, we managed to go to therapy. And it drained us.

We were using the pulsers, and doing EMDR. That was helpful but it always leaves us exhausted.

So my plan was that after we got home, I’d eat and then go to bed. And thats what I did.

I was meant to have a mobility lesson in using my white cane, but the weather was too bad so my instructor canceled it until next week. That suited me fine as it meant I was able to go to bed.

And so, I’ve been sleeping on and off all afternoon, I did get up for about an hour but I went back to bed watching some tv, and fell asleep again.

Now its 11 PM and I am awake and will probably be awake all night. I know my sleep patterns all messed up but for now I’m ok with that.

I actually feel safer being awake at night anyway. For some reason I feel safer knowing I am up and keeping an eye on things.

I’ve taken our night meds, we’re still doing really well with our meds, not missing any doses of them. Its the one thing I am proud of lately.

Well, I should go make some tea. My mouth is so dry. I think my meds are making it really dry. Its like sand paper.

Today in therapy…

Therapy today was good. we talked a lot about the anxiety, and eileen had us do some EMDR to help with it. We worked with the pulsers, and she had me bring up a safe place, somewhere where I felt peaceful, calm, and soothed. I decided that I wanted to be back at torc waterfall, where I went last summer, because I loved the sound the water made, it was so calming. So using the pulsers I was able to bring up the image of it, and then Eileen had me come up with a word that I could use when I wanted to go there in my mind, so I used the word soothing. She said, when I said that word that immediately the images of torc waterfall would come into my mind. She told me during the week, if the anxiety gets really bad, that I should do the butterfly hug, which is an EMDR exercise, and say that word soothed aloud, and doing both of those things, I’d be able to calm down again. The anxiety felt so bad this morning, it really felt as if I was going to die from it. I can honestly say it was the worst its ever been. When we first got to our session, we were dissociating a lot. Actually it was Emily who was out at first, and it was a little while before Eileen was able to get Liz out and then get me back again. She had to keep telling us over and over that we were safe, and there was no immediate emergency. We kept wanting to run, that happens to us sometimes, we’ll want to run away. It usually happens when we are very distressed or very triggered. Overall though we did have a good session, and we were really happy when we left, calmer, more able to function again, and when we got home we slept for a few hours, because we were drained, therapy always makes us tired, especially if we’ve been doing EMDR.

Texted Eileen!

Hihihii everybody!
Well I sended our therapist a text! I had to I was just feeling so sad! She said if we need her to just text her! So I did! Heres what I said in the message to her!

Hi Eileen, its Em. I am so sad! I wish you were here! I need you so bad right now!
Do you think we can have a phone check in today?
I miss you so, so much!
Everything feels so hard!
Butterfly hugs,
Love you,
emily!

I hope she responds to me today. I know as soon as she can, she will. She never forgets. So I hope we can talk soon!

We miss you Eileen?

hhihihii
its emily! i am missing eileen so much right now!
my heart is sad!
I wanna text her! I’ve been awake for a while and I wish it was later so that I could text Eileen!
Carol anne says maybe later we can! I hope so!
I really wish Eileen was here right now!
if she was here I know she’d hug me! And hold my hand! I love it when we hold hands, feeling her support is what I love most of all!
This therapy break feels soooo long!
butterfly hugs
loves you,
emily age 12

Emily: Therapy time!

hihihihii everyone,
its me Emily. I had the whole of our therapy session this week. We had therapy yesterday. It was good, really good. We forgot our book so Eileen didnt read to us, but that was ok, we got busy discussing other things, and we can have her read it to us after the holidays.
I talked to her about the time I had to hold our system together for 4 months, and I had to pass as a grown up and all. It was a rough few months. We were going to college back then, it was back in 2007. Carol anne was down, so were most of te adults. Me and a few of the other kids and my own insiders were the only ones up back then so we had to run the show completely.
Eileen said after christmas we can try to process those memories, if I want to. I do want to, because now I cant trust the grown ups, I dont trust that they’ll be there and keep me safe. Eileen said its probably because I’ve had to act like a grown up forever. So even if I wanted to I wouldnt be able to let go of that role.
She gave me an example of a family where the mom isnt coping, the dad is drinking, and all the kids are just left to fend for themselves, she said if one of the kids was 12 like me, and they were doing adult stuff all of the time, helping out at home, helping their parents to cope and manage, that then they’d never be able to just do kids stuff, or to just be able to be a child. And she said thats how it is for me too.
So she had me make a deal with her, that over the christmas I’d start taking breaks from all of that responsibility that I feel I have. You see when carol anne or liz is out, I’m always watching, just in case anything goes wrong and I need to step in. Eileen made me promise that I’d start taking breaks, maybe an hour here and there where I am off duty. Where I can do stuff I like. So carol anne bought me the secret garden, and the little princess, I love those books and I want to read them. So thats what I will do when I have my time off. I will read.
It was a great session we had and eileen said we’ve done a lot of hard work this year. She said she hoped we can take a break from the work over christmas. She said she admires us and how committed we are to our healing. She wished us a lovely christmas and she said if we need her to text her or email her and we’ll have a few phone check ins too over the break. We dont see her in person again now until the 7th of January. But we’re ok with that. We can manage I think. Its good we’re able to reach her if we need to. I’m glad that she’s ok with us doing that.
Butterfly hugs,
Loves you,
Emily age 12

doing EMDR really spooked me

this is misty. i am 15. i have had a scary morning, i came out during therapy, because liz was doing EMDR with eileen, and i was nearby, and the pulsers spooked me, i felt scared of them, the feel of them buzzing in my hand made me freak out.
eileen talked to me and we talked a lot about feelings, i told her it felt as if something was going to spill out all over the place and leak out everywhere causing a huge mess.
she asked me to describe my feelings to her, i had a hard time doing that. im not good at describing things. i dont come out a lot, time and places dont really mean a lot to me, i know we have a house and live on our own, but i rarely am out, so eileen suggested that liz sticks by me, and when liz is out i can experience some of what that is like through her.
that felt safer to me, i feel safe with liz. i admire liz, look up to her, i do have a friend inside, her name is clara.
i dont think i want to open too much stuff up just yet, its too scary, im afraid, afraid of what will happen when i do.
eileen said its like a balloon, we can untie the knot in it, let a little of the air out and then tie it back up again, she said we dont have to let all of the air out at once. she said she wouldnt let us do that, she doesnt want to destabilise us, thats not her intent.
im glad. maybe i will use the pulsers at some point in the future, when they dont feel so scary to me.

dark kids: Creating a room with Eileen in it

hihi
its ebony and kia. we are 7 and 11. we had some time witheileen today in therapy.
we was real scared. we been having lots of icky memories coming up.
Eileen was so kind ta us. we was waiting to see her all weekend. it was a long weekend of waiting.
she sat by us today. and she said she can support us. she put her hand on our shoulder, cuz we wasn’t ready for a hug yet.
That felt nice. safe. felt good. we like that she sat by us.
we decide to create a room for the dark kids. a room like eileens office.
so that’s what we did. we made it esactly like her office is.
she said she can go in there with us. and we can sit with her in there when we’re sad or scared.
I like that idea. it fils safer ta us that shes in there with us.
we also took all of the bad memories, and we are going to leave them in her office. well not in there, but outside of it, in a big container, a huge one.
and we’ll look at them when we feel more ready and lesser scared ta do that.
but until then eileens mindin them for us!
so yeah that’s good, right? feels good we aren’t alone with them!
we only had about 15 minutes today but we’ll have more time next week!
and im glad we gots Eileen ta help us! shes kind and she care bout us!
frum ebony and kia, ages 7 and 11