Eileen has a secret? update on that

so its all worked out! we know now where eileens going next week! Heres what she said in her email back to me!
Hello all, I am so sorry! It is in no way that I wanted to keep a secret, I just know how much you worry and wanted to save you from that. Im going to Krakow in Poland. Of course I can understand now that my response would have actually caused more worry rather that alleviate it. I think we had that conversation at the last minute and I didnt have time to consider the impact my answer was bound to have.
Apologies again
Take care

thank goodness she told us! I am so glad she did, now we just have to try not to worry about her too much! We promised her we would try hard not to worry too much and just focus on her getting back and on seeing her for our session on wednesday!

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She has a secret!

And I dont like it! I dont like secrets!

She wouldnt tell us where she’s going next week for her conference on EMDR! She said we dont need to worry about where it is going to be on at!

But we do worry! We wanna know she’s ok and safe!

We arent trying to be nosey in asking!

I dont like having secrets! They are triggering to me!

So I emailed her. Here is what I said.

how come you didnt want to tell us where you’ll be next week, where the conference is at?
are you worried we’ll do something bad with the information?
we just wanted to know you are going to be ok!
we worry about you when your not nearby. we werent trying to be nosey when we asked.
we dont like secrets. its triggering to us.
chance and some of the teens

I hope she’ll get back to me! Even if she still wont tell me, I want her to know that acting like its some huge secret is a huge trigger for us.

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Closing down the memories

Today in therapy was spent just chit chatting. We didnt do any intense work. Eileen said it would be better if we didnt. I actually had some time to talk to her for the first time in weeks. That felt so good. I was glad I had some time, as I needed to tell her about the new meds I am now on. She was kinda floored when I told her I am now taking prozac. I hadnt told her that before. She was like, did you not think it would be something I needed to know? I said yes, of course I did, but I havent been out and around, I havent really been talking to you lately. She said she understood that. So we talked about meds, and she wrote down which ones I am now on. Then we did some EMDR, where we did an exercise to shut down the memories, it was hard, but I managed to do it. I thought of them as windows, and I thought of myself closing all of them, Eileen said we needed a break. She said since she’s not there next monday that we could have a break, as its summer now. We are having a session next week, on Wednesday. But I think it will be more of the same, more light chit chat. Thats ok with me. We talked about gratitude, and she asked me what I value in my life. That was an interesting exercise. Its not often we talk about things that I am grateful for. So it was so nice to be able to just do that. Then I told her about my results in college. A beautiful thing happened after I told her. She hugged me and said, I am so proud of you. She said, you have the extra challenge of not being able to see, yet you thrive, you are intelligent, you learn and you love learning, and you are doing so well. I felt like I was on air. It was so nice to hear her say, I am so proud of you. It felt warm and safe, sootheing, and comforting. So that was basically the session in a nutshell. As I said we dont have another one until next wednesday. Eileen is at an EMDR conference next week on Monday and Tuesday. I asked her where it was but she wouldnt tell me, although she did say its not in cork, I am not sure why she wouldnt tell me where it was, but she said I didnt need to worry about that. So I let it go. I’ll try not to worry, I know she’ll be ok, and she’ll be learning a ton of good stuff that she can share with us when she returns.

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Texting eileen!

its allie. last night we texted with Eileen for a few minutes. we had to ask her about our session on Thursday cuz we forgot the time of it. so carol anne sent her a text. I was so happy to be able to text her. I love when we get to do that. she wrote back to us right away. we even sent kissing imogies. she knows that the kids like to send her imogies. we always do that. she’s ok with it! she told us in her message our session is at 11:30 on Thursday morning. I cant wait to go! we’ll probly do more work on my memories. that’s hard but I know its good too cuz it helps me! im just so happy we got to send her a text! we usually email her. we don’t text her all that much. it was nice to just be able to do it and get a response really quick! we keep all of her texts to us so that we can read them again and again. is that weird? we’ve always done that. we have most of the ones she’s ever sent us. it helps us to feel connected to her.

allie 9

Therapy, Working with memories, its so powerful

Therapy yesterday was hard. Hard, but good.

We worked with Allie. She had to work on some memories. It was really tough. Just hearing her memories was super hard on all of us. Hearing some things she went through when we were a kid. It was painful.

Eileen was unbelievable. She was with us through it all. There for us at every step. I love her. She made us feel so safe.

Part way through the session during the EMDR and when the memories were especially hard to deal with, our body became super cold. It was like we were reacting to processing them. We were freezing. Eileen went and got a fleece blanket and wrapped it around us to warm us up. It was so nice. It felt so good.

At another point she just held us. She put her arms around our back and shoulders, and held us and talked sootheingly to us. It felt so reassuring. It made us feel so safe.

The holding really helps us. Its part of what she’s doing in her somatic bodywork course. She’s training in bodywork and to be a bodywork practitioner. So this is ths sort of thing they are larning. How to support your client while they process memories.

It was a great session. And we did a lot of hard work. We still need to process more, but we made a start. And the memories we processed, well they’re allie’s, but they are around going to bed, and bedtime. So that will hopefully help us to not feel so triggered at night.

I know with Eileen by our side, we can do anything. She was so kind yesterday. Just her voice, the calm way she speaks to the kids, to all of us, is so, so sootheing to us. It really helps. We felt validated, heard, listened to, and that was just so amazing to me.

I definitely think touch in therapy is so important. I dont know if its for everyone, but for me, due to us being blind, it is so helpful. Eileen thinks so too. She said she’s mindful of doing it with some clients, but for us, she said it works. She feels its beneficial to us to use it during our sessions. And so do I. I feel that it works for us.

I’m glad we got to process the memories. Now to get through the rest of this week, hopefully we can. We had to rearrange our session for next week as next monday here is a bank holiday, so we’ll see Eileen on thursday morning instead. I’m so glad she could fit us in on another day. I’m so grateful to her for doing that for us so we wouldnt go without therapy for a week.

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Therapy session for Monday May 20th, write up

Therapy last week was good. Hard but good. Liz went in to the session, and she started off by telling Eileen that we had parts who were really feeling like it wasnt ok to be ok. Eileen said she’d like to talk to the part who felt like that. She said, can I help? So liz said, be my guest. And that got the conversation started.
A 12 year old part came out. She was very scared. She said she didnt feel like we could be ok, that it wasnt allowed. Eileen teased it out a little, why she felt that way. It turns out she had a lot of responsibility when the body was a kid. When we were in the bording school, she had to take care of younger kids. And even though we were blind, she still had to look after younger kids who were blind, and who had multiple disabilities. Taking care of them on the playground, or doing things for them like getting them dressed in the mornings, washing them giving them breakfast etc.
So now she’s afraid to let go of that responsibility. She’s afraid to let us heal. She thinks we’ll be in some sort of trouble if we do things in life, that allow us to actually have a life. Eileen worked with the pulsers with her for a while, working on her memories of having so much responsibility.
That seemed to help. She seemed to get calmer. But then she also told eileen that our abusers told her that she’d never be ok, she’d never be normal, she’d never do normal things that normal people do. So there was all of that as well.
We started dissociating then, so eileen had us walk around the room with her. Grounding us to the present. It always feels good to walk around the room. It always helps us a lot to do that. Eileen points everything out to us. We stood by the window for a while just taking in the sun. Then eileen had us try to feel the sensations in our body, that didnt go so well. We were holding on to the windowsill, and a part felt like she was going to tumble out of it. I told eileen and she told me to take one hand off the windowsill, and see how it felt. So I did and that felt better. She said the part that felt she was going to fall out the window, that it was a memory. She aked us where we’d feel safest, so we said sitting down, with her next to us. So we sat back down and she sat by us. She held us for a while which felt so good.
It was a pretty intense session. We were so exhausted after it. Working with the pulsers always tires us out. Also, when littles are out, we’re always super tired afterwords. Its like it drains us to have them be out.
I feel we got a lot accomplished though. We’ll probably do a little more work on the memories, on the feelings of responsibility that the 12 year old part felt. I’m sure we will over the next few weeks.

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from jadda age 10

hihihi every body
its jadda. im 10 years old. im one of emilys inside kids. you know em has her own insiders in the bigger system. I know that’s confusin, it is for me too. but we’re here, and its just the way it is.
I got to talk with Eileen today. that was cool. I never talked to her before. I did email her though. at the weekend when I lost my words. I couldn’t find them. I asked her to help me find my words.
they disappeared. it was stressful to me that I lost them. I hate not be able to explain things or how I feel. but today I could. Eileen helped me find my words again.
we talked about ems system. I told Eileen a few things. about why im here. im a protector in ems system, I am here to protect Emily. that’s why I came.
Eileen was curious. she said but your only 10. I told her there are younger protectors than me. april is one and she’s only 8.
we talked about loss. I told her that last week in our session when we did that review, we got scared. we felt afraid cuz what if we lose Eileen? she said don’t worry, im not going anywhere. and if something were to happen that the organisation who funds your therapy stopped funding it, carol anne said she’d find a way to continue seeing me. and I believe that too. I know she would.
im happy that is the case. it feels better knowing that there are options. if the worse came to the worse we’d still have Eileen, we’d still be seeing her. im glad about that.
we got to talk about memories then. loss from times when the body was a kid. and we used the pulsers for a while. that was ok but then I started dissociating, so Eileen turned them off. she said we’d done enough work with them. I was glad we stopped. I didn’t think I could continue to work on the memories. Eileen ask me about the belief I had about myself. I told her I believe I feel that I am too much, and that I am bad. we talked about that belief for a while then.
then liz offered to help us by supporting us more. she said she didn’t realise how badly we were struggling, neither did Carol anne. they offered to come closer by us and offer their support to us. I liked that they offered to do that. it felt nice to have a grown ups support.
we don’t ask sometimes for help when we need it because we are scared. sometimes we don’t tell the grown ups in the bigger system that it is one of us and not Emily. we get scared to tell our names, and be recognised.
we are going to work with Eileen on asking more for help when we need it. but next week liz and her system are going to have some time. liz has stuff she needs to talk about with Eileen. but im glad I had a little bit of therapy time today.
Jadda, 10