FAILURE AT THERAPY?

IM SO SO WORRIED WHAT IF WE’RE FAILING THERAPY? WHAT IF EILEENS WANTS US GONE? WHAT IF SHE THINKS WE’RE NOT WORKING HARD ENOUGH? OR SHES MAD AT US NOW CUZ WE NEVER TOLD HER HOW BAD IT WAS, FOR WEEKS? AND THEN YESTERDAY SHE SAID WOULD YOU HAVE TOLD ME? IF I DIDNT PRESS IT? AND LIZ SAID SHE WOULD HAVE, BUT OMG I DONT WANT TO FAIL! I DONT WANT TO HAV HER BE MAD AT ME!
OMG I CANT STAND THINKING BOUT IT. IT MAKES ME SO NERVOUS. I JUST EMAILED HER TO ASK HER. I HOPE SHE RESPONDS TO THAT!
PIXIE

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DIDNT WANNA DISAPPOINT HER

ITS LIZ. TODAY IN THERAPY I WAS CHATTING TO EILEEN. SHE ASKED ME IF I WOULD HAVE COME TO HER WITH WHAT WAS GOING ON. IF SHE HADNT STOPPED US FROM PROCEEDING, AND TACKLED IT HEAD ON, WOULD I HAVE COME TO HER MYSELF AND TOLD HER WE’RE STRUGGLING WITH BEING TRIGGERED? I SAID HONESTLY? I DONT KNOW. I WANT TO THINK I WOULD, AND MY PLAN WAS TO TALK TO HER ABOUT IT. BUT THE MAIN REASON I WAS BEING STUBBORN, THINKING I CAN HANDLE THIS IS MYSELF THAT I DIDNT WANT TO DISAPPOINT HER. SHE TOLD ME TODAY THERE IS NO JUDGEMENT FROM HER, AND SHE WENT OVER AGAIN HOW THIS IS THE WORK, ITS NOT LINEAR, AND THE NATURE OF THE WORK IS DOING A LITTLE, THEN PULLING IT BACK, PUTTING ON THE BREAKS AGAIN ETC. I GUESS SHE’S RIGHT. I’VE BEEN THINKING WHY DO I ALWAYS FEEL THE NEED TO PROTECT HER? SHE’S A BIG GIRL SHE CAN HANDLE HERSELF, I KNOW THAT, SO WHY DO I KEEP TRYING TO LOOK OUT FOR HER? I NEEDED THE HELP, I NEEDED HER INPUT, SO I AM GLAD SHE DIDNT RUN WITH THE FIRST THING WE TOLD HER TODAY. I AM GLAD SHE HAD THE INSIGHT TO KNOW THERE WAS MORE TO IT THAN WHAT WE WERE ORIGINALLY SAYING.
LIZ

Finding internal balance and a sense of self,todays therapy session

therapy today was good. but intense. we went in with plans, plans to try to figure out some stuff. we talked to eileen about triggers, and about how we keep being triggered, the adults in the system keep being triggered, and then we’re gone, and the kids are taking over, running the show. eileen was very concerned. she said we cant have six year olds running things, and i know this is true, we cant. today taylor took us to the session, because we were stressed out this morning, and got triggered, and she took over, and the way it is, if the kids take over, there is a kinda wall that goes up, that blocks the adults and kids from communicating, and so we cant get to them and they cant get to us, so we are unable to come out then and do what we need to do to get us there safely. Lucky this morning, the taxi driver knew us, and he was able to bring us to eileens office, drop us off, and so we got there safely. I felt so bad for taylor, she was very scared. So we worked on things we worked on trying to get some of the adults on board, trying to get them to have better internal communication. we talked about the fact that memories have been hitting us really hard, eileen said for now, its time to put the breaks on again. we’ve been working a lot with the teens lately and with some of ems insiders, and she said that is stirring up too much for us right now, so she said we need to put the breaks on, and find a sense of balance again, a sense of stability, a sense of internal stability, she said for now we are going to work on managing triggers, managing becoming triggered, managing emotions, and finding that sense of internal safety, so that when we’re home, we can be safe, and less triggered, and the adults can be out more, eileen said we have the capability to manage, she’s seen us do it, and so she said she knows we can. I know it too, sometimes I just feel lost, unable to cope, overwhelmed etc. I am glad we talked it through today, it really helped a lot to be able to have a good chat about it all. We worked on breathing exercises, she is teaching Jade how to breathe deeply, so we can ground ourselves, when we need to do that. We all find it hard to breathe deeply, but Jade is good at it. So she’s in charge of practicing it for the next week. She also walked us around her office, to ground us. She does this a lot. It helps us feel connected to her and more grounded. When we came to her bookshelves, she started reading out all the names of her books, man she has a ton of trauma related books, EMDR related books, books on all aspects of therapy really. It was nice to hear the names of them and we got some book recommendations. Eileen told us she’s passionate about keeping up to date on the new research available about trauma survivors, about related therapy issues etc. She also told us today that she lost her dog, buttons. Buttons was a yorkshire terrior. She said they lost her over christmas. She was 16. I was sad to hear this as I knew her. I had patted her a few times over the years, and she was a sweet dog. I was glad Eileen told me that she had died. So it was a good session today. We have a lot to think about now after it.

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Missy and Clara have a therapy session

We went back to therapy today. That went well. We worked on some stuff, mainly working with some of the teens. Missy whose 14 and Clara whose 15 both had time with eileen. I went in feeling ok, then all of a sudden I got very unsettled. I felt parts want to run, run away out of eileens office. I also felt parts being irritated, as some of the littles were crying, some of the teens were calling them babies, whiners, etc. It was not good. Eileen asked the teens to talk to her, at first none of them would. She said she wanted to speak with one or some of them. Eventually Missy came forward. They worked for a while with the feelings of irritation that she and other teens had. She kept saying that why are the kids whining, when the things they are crying about, we cant fix. We cant do anything about them. For example, being afraid of the dark, it gets dark every night, and whether your afraid of it or not, it still gets dark. That was her point. Eileen said that probably the kids were experiencing a memory, and this turned out to be true. but it wasnt just the littles. Missy said that she too felt memories surfacing at night. She said that she remembered being in Dublin, in the bording school, being in bed, and waiting for the inevitable to happen, waiting to get hurt. To be taken out of bed, and taken to the rituals, to be abused. She started to cry then. Eileen was so gentle with her, she gently soothed her and spoke calmly and softly to her. Telling her she was ok, and together they’d work on this and on the feelings this memory evoked for missy. They then got out the pulsers and did some EMDR, working on the memory. Missy found that hard. But she didnt object, she did it and I am very proud of her for that. Clara came and stood by Missy, Clara is 15 and Missys friend, Clara has spoken in therapy before, but today she felt very scared and she felt afraid to talk. When Missy started to open up, Clara tried to shut her down. She didnt want to talk. She wanted to keep everything to herself. She was fearful of what would happen if she spoke up. Eileen talked to Missy and her for a while longer. Eventually her fear lessened and she was able to talk. They then encorporated the sleep issues we’ve been having into the session too. Eileen asked Missy what belief she had about herself in the memory. Missy said she felt she was unable to control the situation, she felt trapped, and very unsafe, she felt like she was dying, and never going to get out. And when Eileen asked her what belief she’d like to have about herself in the present, she said she’d like to be able to go to sleep at night, feel safe going to sleep, feel like its safe to go to bed and go to sleep. So together they worked on that. Working to lessen missys distress withthe memory, working to bring her and Clara back into the here and now, into the present again, Eileen had them think of things they like to do now, in our life now. MIssy said she likes to watch greys anatomy on netflicks, and listen to music on spotify, so Eileen had her visualise doing that, and that seemed to work somewhat. We also worked with our body, Eileen said that Missy is holding the fear of being in her bed, waiting, and fearful, and holding that amount of fear in your body can cause all sorts of problems, when she let that go today during the session, a huge weight felt like it was lifted, but then we felt extremely tired, and drained. Eileen said we’d probably feel like that for a day or two, as we’d held this for years, she said to rest up, and let ourselves do minimal activities. So that is what we did. We rested for the afternoon when we came home. Now its late, we are up, but we feel less tired, and have more energy. I’m glad Missy got to talk. She needed it. We’re still working on the anger about the kids whining and crying, the teens are still irritated about that, but we’re working with them on it. I’m sure they’ll be less irritated in time, they are scared too, but just show it in a different way.

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Lisa. Learning to feel my feelings and working in therapy

Hi guys
My name is Lisa. I am 17 years old.

I am one of Emilys insiders. I am a dark in Ems system.

This week I worked with Eileen. I had spoken to her on the phone one other time but I had never talked directly to her. I decided this week that I would. I’d been feeling intensely suicidal. I thought maybe she can help me with that.

She did help me a lot. We talked about my feelings and the hopelessness I feel all the time. I’m always suicidal. It gets really old. I just dont feel any other way.

Eileen asked how that helps me. How does it help me to always feel like this?

I dont know how it does. I got lost for words. I find it hard to articulate things sometimes. Eileen said it was ok. She said we’d track how I am feeling and see where it goes.

She asked me if I’d like to use the pulsers. So I did. I was nervous to use them. I havent ever tried them out.

We tracked the feelings. That part was hard. I am not used to feeling my body. I found it hard to describe the sensations I was feeling and I also found it hard to describe in words how it was for me using the pulsers.

We worked on making a safe space for me to go when the emotions and overwhelm hits. I chose to create a mobile home. So we worked on creating that. Worked on what I’d put in there to make it safe for me.

I said I’d have a big tv, where I could stream netflicks, and a music centre, where I could play my rap music.

I said I’d be able to have soft fleec blankets to wrap up in, and a nice ginger bread latte to drink whenever I wanted one. Those are the things which make me feel safe.

At first it felt weird to be trying to create this space. But after a while it got a little easier. I was able to imagine it more easily. Of course Eileen was also helping me so I wasnt on my own doing it which was nice.

She said we’d work more on the feelings in the new year. Work more on why I feel so suicidal. What might be causing it. For now she told me to shelve the memories. And when I start to feel overwhelmed to go to my space space, my mobile home inside.

I can do that. I’m glad I had a session. I’m glad I tried the pulsers. I’m glad we did this piece of work. I think I might learn to like therapy. I like Eileen. She is very kind. She is also very helpful.

She also asked me if I’d like her to place a hand on my shoulder while we worked. So I said I would try it out. She said I was in charge, I could tell her exactly where her hand should go. She put it on my shoulder, and then she asked me if that felt ok, if it was in the right place, or did I want it to be some other way. She asked me to show her what I wanted so I did.

It felt so sootheing to have her hand there, a kinda holding, a calm, sootheing thing, I felt so held, contained, so safe. It was wonderful.

I hope I can do some more work soon and maybe deal with some of the emotion I feel, the memories I have, and the suicidal thoughts an d urges.
Lisa

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Low key therapy session

we had a low key therapy session this past monday. We decided we need to wind down. We have one more session before our christmas break, that, too will be a low key session where we’ll just have a general chit chat and wind down.
Eileen keeps reassuring us that we’ll manage the break. She said its ok to put things away, its ok to just reflect on the hard work we’ve done, and enjoy our christmas, that therapy will be there in january, and for now, for now its ok to shelve things and put them away.
Have fun, relax, chill out, enjoy time with family, friends, enjoy the holidays.
I hope shes right. I hope we’ll manage the break. I can feel some inside tensing at the thought of it. We talked about it with her though so that did help some. Its just some inside only feel safe in eileens office and nowhere else. Thats the hard part.
We plan on giving her a christmas card next week to end our therapy work this year. Emily made it for her. She is looking forward to giving it to her. We also have a card that we bought from a friend, which is signed by a lot of us in the system and which we will also give to her.
Therapy this past year has been really hard but also really good. Its been intense a lot of times, but so worth it, we’re progressing, we’ve done a lot of hard and very intensive work, which wasnt always easy, but then, when is therapy ever easy?
I’m happy we have one more apt before the christmas break. I’m also happy our last one will be an apt where we can reflect, where some inside can talk and chat in general, not have to worry about disclosing, or about doing anything too intense.

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Therapy tomorrow!

Therapy tomorrow morning! Yay! So glad we get to see eileen! So looking forward to it!
For once I dont feel any anxiety at all around going in!
I’m just happy we get to go! Im kinda excited to see what the session will be! We’ve been making such good progress lately! I hope we’ll have more of it tomorrow!
Its our second last session before the christmas break. I am going to ask Eileen if for next week, our last session before the break, if we can have a kinda low key session, where we dont really do any trauma work or deep work, where we can just generally wind down!
Im sure she’ll agree to that!
For tonight though I will just look forward to my therapy time! And I will look forward to eileens support tomorrow morning!

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