Im Jaylee and I am 9

im jaylee and im 9. i am one of emilys insiders. me and eileen talked a lot today. i like her. shes so nice.

i told her i am testing her to see if i can trust her. thats not hard though. she makes it easy to feel like you can trust her which is cool.

we talked about the bad guys. about how they made me feel so worthless. about how i hate myself because they made me feel so bad about myself. and about how awful i felt for doing things like hurting other kids.

eileen said i didnt have a choice, the badguys didnt give me a choice. they made me do it and to survive i had to do it. i didnt want to, but i had to if i wanted to live.

she said every time she hears about stuff that happened to us she cares even more about us than she did before. she said her heart feels soft towards us there is a softening in her heart. i didnt ever hear someone say something like that before.

she told me too that all kids are born with a little nugget of gold inside of them. and we worked a little with the pulsers to see if i could notice where mine was. she said its a nugget of gold and it represents the good inside of you.

she said those pulsers are magic. i ask her why and she said its magic cuz they make you feel good. they help you to feel better. and it is true. they did help me and i did feel good after we worked with them.

when we was recognising the nugget of gold she ask me what does it look like. what shape is it. i told her its like a rectangle, and inside of it there is sparkles, sprinkly fairy dust like pixie dust. she said thats really good and a very good description of it.

i had a nice time talking to her. it was a lot of work and we did hard work but it wasnt all hard. we had fun too. and i loved talking to her. and i know i can trust her now. i know she is trustworthy. and i felt safe too which is good.
jaylee age 9

Butterfly hugs

hi everyone
its me Emily. we had therapy this morning. I came out and talked a lot during our session. and Eileen teached me something. its an EMDR exercise. you see, I always sign my emails butterfly hugs, loves you, actually I sign everything I write in that way. its my trademark ha ha. so Eileen ask me if i’d like to learn something that I can use to calm myself. I said I would. so we learned all about the butterfly hug and you can give yourself a butterfly hug any time. its where you make the shape of a butterfly with your hands, and then you put your hands on your shoulders, well near them, not actually on them. and you tap with first one hand then the other, you do it as if you were using th e pulsers, except there is no vibrating. just tapping. and you tap and bring up feelings as you do it. so Eileen was asking me how I felt being there in her office. I was telling her I was feeling really safe, and glad to be there, glad to be with her. I told her I feel all warm inside, she asked me where, in what part of my body I felt it. I told her my chest and tummy areas mostly. so she had me bring those good feelings up as I tapped on my shoulders with my hands. and it calmed me, it really worked. I felt so so calm. it was like magic! I was so glad I learned it. and Eileen said isn’t it cool how I always sign my emails butterfly hugs and then there really is such a thing in EMDR. I think that’s so cool too. I never even knew that before I started signing that. The rest of the time we talked about my system. And my insiders. And about our week. It was nice. And I just felt really calm during all that. It felt so good. Im glad I talked today. I had a good time and the time went by way too quickly. We brought in our photo album of our trip to Disneyworld in florida with our partner Jess. That was back in 2008, we also went in 2009, but this photo album was from 2008. We didn’t have time to actually go through all of the photos so I left it with Eileen until next week, we are going to spend some time going through it then. I wanted Eileen to see how happy we were in Disneyworld, its a safe place for us, we always bring up images of that when we do visualisation. Its just somewhere where we felt peaceful and safe. I really enjoyed our session today. Some of my insiders did some work too today but I’ll let them write their own posts if they want to do that.
Butterfly hugs,
Loves you,
Emily, age 12

EMDR PROCESSING

HI, ITS WILLOW. HOW ARE YOU ALL?

IT WAS SO GOOD TO GET BACK TO THERAPY! I WAS NEVER SO HAPPY AS I WAS TO SEE EILEEN TODAY! I FELT SO DELIGHTED TO BE BACK IN HER OFFICE!

WE DID SOME EMDR IN THIS SESSION. WE PROCESSED A MEMORY WELL I DID. I WAS HAVING TROUBLE WITH ANXIETY AND EILEEN ASKED ME IF I’D LIKE TO WORK WITH IT. I SAID YES I WOULD. SHE ASKED IFI FELT READY TO DO SOME MEMORY WORK. I HESITATED BUT THEN WENT FOR IT. AND I DID IT.

THE MEMORY WAS HARD TO WORK THROUGH. I KEPT WANTING TO DISSOCIATVE. I KEPT SPACING OUT. EILEEN HAD TO KEEP BRINGING ME BACK. I KEPT FORGETTING TO BREATHE TOO. I’D BE HOLDING MY BREATH AND EILEEN WOULD HAVE TO SAY BREATHE! BREATHE! OVER AND OVER!

SHE KEPT REMINDING ME ITS OK TO BREATHE, OK TO TAKE UP AIR AND SPACE! I TOLD HER I ALWAYS THINK I SHOULDNT! I THINK I DONT DESERVE TO! SHE SAID IT IS MY RIGHT! MY RIGHT TO BE IN THE WORLD!

SHE GOT OUT THE PULSERS AND WE WORKED WITH THEM FOR A WHILE. WE WORKED WITH A YOUNG PART OF ME. A 9 YEAR OLD. THE MEMORY I SAW WAS OF HER STANDING IN THE PLAYGROUND, FEELING ALL ALONE AND VERY LONELY. TERRIFIED THAT SHE WAS ON HER OWN AND UNABLE TO MANAGE. FEELING TRAPPED, WONDERING HOW SHE WAS GOING TO GET AWAY RUN GET OUT AND AWAY FROM THE ABUSE.

EILEEN HAD ME NOTICE HER AND NOTICE MY BODY AND THE REACTIONS FROM MY BODY. THAT WAS SUPER HARD! I FELT A LOT OF INTENSE ANXIETY. FEAR, AND LIKE SHE WAS VERY CLOSE! TH E 9 YEAR OLD PART OF ME WAS SO SCARED!

EILEEN SAID I COULD TAKE HER OUT OF THAT PLACE SHE WAS IN. I COULD TAKE HER BACK WITH ME BACK TO CORK TO WHERE I LIVE NOW. I SAID I DIDNT KNOW HOW TO. EILEEN SAID I COULD MAKE SPACE FOR HER IN MY ROOM INSIDE, OR MAKE HER HER OWN ROOM. AND SHE SAID MAYBE SHE’D LIKE TO MEET THE 9 YEAR OLD INSIDERS THAT ARE IN OUR SYSTEM. I SAID I’D LIKE HER TO BUDDY UP WITH SOMEONE, SO I ASKED ALLIE IF SHE’D BUDDY UP WITH HER. SHE SAID YES SHE WOULD DO THAT.

HOWEVER THE LITTLE GIRL WASNT READY TO COME WITH ME TODAY, SHE NEEDS MORE TIME TO HANG OUT WITH ME AND JUST GET TO KNOW ME SOME MORE. AND THATS OK. I CAN WAIT. IF SHE’S NOT READY TO COME OUT OF WHERE SHE’S ALWAYS BEEN FOR YEARS YET THATS OK. SHE WILL WHEN SHE’S READY!

EMDR IS HARD WORK LET ME TELL YOU! I HADNT EVER TRIED IT OUT BEFORE. IN FACT I WAS AFRAID OF IT! I TALKED A LITTLE BIT TO EILEEN TODAY ABOUT ME BEING AFRAID OF IT. SHE SAID I SHOWED COURAGE TO EVEN TRY! SHE KNOWS HOW MUCH US DARKS WERE AGAINST IT AT THE START! NOW WE DO IT AND WE ARENT AFRAID OF IT NOW!

I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW THAT I’VE WORKED WITH THAT LITTLE ONE! SHE IS CALMER, AND FEELS SAFER. I DO TOO. I FEEL LESS ANXIOUS, LESS TENSE, LESS STRESSED, OVERALL I FEEL GOOD! I HAD A PRODUCTIVE SESSION AND I AM PROUD OF THE WORK I DID!
WILLOW, AGE 21

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Allie-I had therapy time

so we just got home from therapy. we had a good session. i had a lot of the session and so did lexi. we spent time with eileen just talking. it felt good. i love having time with eileen. she makes me feel safe. so comforting and good to talk to her. today she helped us to make a beach inside. she asked us what we’d like to have inside so that when we’re not out we can have fun too. i said a beach. cuz i love the beach. so we used the pulsers and we did some guided imagery and we created a beach inside. we were talking about moods and eileen was telling me how moods are like the sea. cuz the sea goes in and out the tide does. and she said moods are like that they go up and down. and thats ok. she kept saying its totally ok. i was a little mad some of the time but only because i didnt want her to leave us. and i felt bad about her going. she said she understood. and that it is ok to be mad and i dont have to be nice to her if i dont feel like it. she was sick though with a head cold so i didnt want to be too mad at her. i was telling her we rested yesterday cuz the bigs werent feeling good. she told me she did too and she said she feels better today because she took time to rest up. we also created a gym inside. and a play area with trampelines and a basket ball hoop and all of the kids can use it. she said we can keep adding stuff if we need to and if we think of more things we can add them in. i like doing the EMDR. it feels good and its not too hard. eileen goes slow with us. she doesnt make it stressful. we talked a little about our mom. we were talking about how our mom does a lot of things for us and eileen said actions speak louder than words sometimes. that she shows her love for us by the things she does for us. and that she might not be able to talk about our past with us but she is trying to make up for it now by showing us how much she cares about us. i agree. she is really trying. i do wish she’d talk about our past sometimes and recognise us for who we are. but she cant. and thats ok cuz we have eileen and dr. barry, and they see us and recognise us. so that is good, right? we read our new book finally too today. it is a real good book. there were lots of pictures in it that eileen described to us as she read it. i enjoyed the book and we recorded it so we’ll have it. and oh i nearly forgot. eileen gave us something from her office to look after while she’s away. she gave us a willow tree figure, angel of friendship. we’re going to keep it safe until she comes back, and we’ll know she’s coming back because we have to go to her office and give it back to her. its really nice to have something of hers to keep. it lets us feel closer to her. and we love willow tree figures to and we collect them so that is cool as well. so all in all it was a very good session. and i feel good after it.
allie 9

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LIZ…THERAPY, PROCESSING

IN THERAPY TODAY I DID A LOT OF PROCESSING. THERE WAS A LOT TO PROCESS. I WORKED WITH A YOUNG PART OF ME. SHE WAS AROUND SIX OR SEVEN. IT STARTED OUT ME AND EILEEN TALKING ABOUT MARY LEAVING. AND THEN EILEEN SAID SHE COULD FEEL THAT THERE WAS MORE TO IT. THAT SHE HAD THE FEELING THERE WAS A LOT MORE THAT WAS GOING ON FOR ME. THAT I WASNT SAYING. I TOLD HER YES THERE WAS. SHE ASKED ME TO TRY TO EXPLAIN. AT FIRST I COULDNT. I COULDNT FIND THE WORDS. THEN I FELT THIS LITTLE GIRL, I FELT HER FEAR, HER INTENSE SENSE OF BEING ALONE, LONELY, FEELING ABANDONED, SO I TOLD EILEEN WHAT I WAS FEELING. THEN EILEEN ASKED ME IF I’D LIKE TO WORK WITH THAT WITH THE PULSERS. SO I SAID YES I WOULD. SO THEN WE WORKED WITH THE PULSERS AND WITH THE YOUNG PART OF ME. IT WAS SO HARD NOT TO FULLY DISSOCIATE. I ALMOST DID A COUPLE OF TIMES. BUT JUST AS I WAS SPACING OUT EILEEN WOULD STOP THE EMDR AND BRING ME BACK. SHE SAID IT WAS IMPORTANT FOR ME TO STAY PRESENT SO THAT I COULD SUPPORT THE YOUNGER PART OF ME. IT WAS PRETTY INTENSE. BUT GOOD WORK TOO. WE GOT A LOT PROCESSED. BY THE END OF THE SESSION I WAS ABLE TO GO STAND BY MY YOUNGER SELF. GIVE HER SUPPORT. I HAD COMPASSION FOR HER. I FELT ABLE TO MANAGE AGAIN TOO WHICH FELT GOOD. EILEEN ASKED ME AT THE BEGINNING WHAT WAS THE BELIEF ABOUT MYSELF. I SAID I FELT UNABLE TO COPE. AND I FELT ALONE. BY THE END I FELT ABLE TO MANAGE SUCCESSFULLY AGAIN. THAT BELIEF HAD CHANGED. I FELT STRONG AND MORE ABLE TO COPE. I KNEW I’D BE OK. I KNEW I COULD AND WOULD HAVE A GOOD WEEK AHEAD. AFTER WE PROCESSED THE MEMORY WE JUST TALKED FOR A WHILE. EILEEN TOLD ME I’D COME REALLY FAR. THAT A COUPLE YEARS AGO I WOULDNT HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO THIS. AND SHE’S SO RIGHT I WOULDNT. MOST DEFINITELY I WOULDNT. IT WAS A GREAT SESSION. AND NOW I AM FEELING REALLY GOOD AFTER IT.
LIZ

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Nikki’s therapy experience

my name is nikki. i am 17. today i talked for the first time in therapy.
i have extreme anger issues. i was so angry when i spoke with eileen.
i couldnt help myself. the anger was just coarsing through my body. eileen was great though. she helped me with the anger. she was ok with me being mad at her, she said she wasnt surprised that I was, that I probably used anger as a survival technique.
She asked me after a while if I wanted to work with the pulsers and do some processing and tracking of the anger in my body. i said i would try it out. i’ve never done work with the pulsers before. so it was hard for me to get used to them.
but i did it. i am proud of myself that i did it.
we just did some work with the sensations that were coming up in my body in response to the anger. that was so hard. i felt like standing up and running as fast as i could out of the room. eileen kept telling me i was doing really good and that I was ok. that its normal to want to run. that my body was going into flight mode.
she had me stand up just to see what would happen, my feet couldnt stay still, neither could my arms. i was agitated. i was squirrely. and very unsteady on my feet.
i had to sit down again after a couple of minutes of standing up.
After we worked with the pulsers and I released some of my anger, we just talked. I talked to her about the darks. explained a lot about us to her. about how we are always struggling, we can never just have fun, we always are fighting to just get through the days in one piece.
she was very understanding. she said she thought I was very up in my head today. and so she gave me some homework, she wants me to walk this week, walk in the park, and become aware of my feet, pay attention to them, connect with them and really notice them.
I had to laugh at that, that seemed very odd to me, but I promised her I would do it.
I’m glad I had some time with her today. I felt so much better afterwords. And now I am actually not feeling bad tonight. I feel good. I dont feel angry. i dont feel like I am in a fit of rage. I just feel content. Happy even, feels good to me to feel like that, makes a change.

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Silence is a trigger for us

Laura’s word prompt this week is “Silence”, thanks Laura for the inspiration. https://alltheshoesiwear.wordpress.com/2018/07/02/manic-mondays-3-way-prompt-silence/

Today in therapy I realised, silence is a huge trigger for us. We were sitting there doing an EMDR exercise, eileen stopped talking for a minute or two. All there was was me, the sound of the vibrating pulsers, and the sound of my own thoughts. And boy did I get triggered! I started to dissociate, float away. I started to disengage. I couldnt hear Eileen. She sounded so far away from me when she eventually did start to talk again. Once I caught it I was able to tell her about the trigger. I was able to tell her that I cant stand silence, I need her to speak while we are doing the EMDR, I need her to keep talking to me. She was ok with doing this for us. I wonder though, what is it about the silence? That part I havent figured out yet. I’m still working on it. I’m happy I was able to figure out though that this is one of our triggers that causes dissociation and spaciness. At least now I know. Now I know and can do something to try to not have that happen.
carol anne

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