SHE RESPONDED TO ONE OF OUR EMAILS. SHE ALWAYS KNOWS JUST WHEN TO RESPOND. OUR AGREEMENT IS SHE READS THEM AND DOESNT RESPOND, BUT SOMETIMES SHE BREAKS IT AND RESPONDS ANYWAY..LIKE NOW, AND WE LOVE HER FOR IT…
Hi All, Just to let you know I have received all the emails, and wanted to respond briefly. I really do get the various reactions and want to honour them. The anger the uncertainty the wanting to connect the wanting perhaps to push me away the curiosity the sense of abandonment the hurt….I have not left you behind I carry you all with me.
By the way I didnt forget about the book, I made a recording of it…but the playback was on slow and couldnt figure out how to rectify that…or send it! We will figure it out together.
as my readers will know, it was may day yesterday. A really hard ritual trigger date. So I had emailed eileen on Friday night, when I was triggered and overwhelmed thinking about the day and what it might mean for us.
She responded to that email yesterday but I never went online then so I am only seeing it now.
Here is her response to me.
I got your email and do recognise that today is a trigger date for you. I also want you to recognise that a trigger means activating memories from another time as if it were happening now. You have a choice now in how you live your life, and how you spend your day. Don’t forget that..it will be the most healing thing for traumatised insiders to see that you as a system are not hampered by the restrictions of the past and can enjoy the day as the beginning of a different season with new possibilities.
And you know, she is right. We got through May day. We survived. We even enjoyed some of the day. We did not spend our time in a triggered state. We werent contacted by past abusers. We were safe. We are safe now and we can heal!
Ok. I am feeling like I want to die. I am reading and rereading my therapists email to me that she sent earlier today. I cant reach out to her because its almost 1:30 AM.
So instead I sit here reading and rereading her words to me, trying to connect, replaying her words to me the words she said on the phone earlier this evening, trying to recapture her voice.
This is the email she wrote today…in response to the one where I said I was mad at her.
I got your email late last night and I felt it needed time for me to respond, which I didn’t have then. I do hear that you are having difficult feelings Jasmine, and that you need help, sometimes unfortunately due to time constraints I cannot reply for a while.
I am sorry that you felt unsupported, that is not my intention. I will be working until 6 this afternoon , so could be available to talk at 6.45 perhaps if that would be helpful.
Oh how I wish I could text her or call her right now…these suicidal feelings are crushing me.