cry

i waked up frum a bad dream. i cry.
tears tears and i sad. i no like them dreams.
i go find nitro. cuddle him. rub his fur and try to feel beter.
taylor i six

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Rejection

it’s knowing how hard life can be

and knowing before the age of three

its being rejected before you can speak

and living by it week by week

no hugs, no tickles, no high fives

nothing to show you exist, your alive

you cant be stirred from your bed

you are trying to get the nighttmare out of your head

I SHOULD BE SLEEPING…

ITS SO CRAZY. MY THOUGHTS THEY ARE RACING. I AM WIDE AWAKE. I JUST CANNOT SLEEP.
ITS WEIRD THE THOUGHTS THAT KEEP YOU UP AT NIGHT? DO YOU EVER START THINKING ALL SORTA WEIRD THINGS WHILE YOUR LAYING THERE TRYING TO NOD OFF? I SURE DO. I RUN THROUGH MY DAY, THEN I RUN THROUGH CONVERSATIONS I’VE HAD. I RUN THROUGH THE SHOULD HAVES AND COULD HAVES. I RUN THROUGH EVERYTHING AND STILL I LIE HERE WIDE AWAKE.
I DONT KNOW. I WISH I COULD JUST SLEEP.
LIZ

Anxious

my anxiety is through the roof right now. i feel very emotional too. i woke up feeling that way.
i had some nightmares which were awful. i dreamt my dad left and i also dreamt my sister died.
it was horrible. when i woke up from the nightmares i couldnt move. all i could do was cry.
i eventually got up and let nitro out. its snowing outside. nitro doesnt really like the snow. i made coffee and now i’m feeling a little calmer but i still feel so anxious.
just another day in our crazy life i guess.
carol anne

Processing a nightmare

today in therapy we talked about the recent nightmares we’ve been having. i spoke with eileen about one particularly troublesome nightmare. its a nightmare where one of our past abusers chases us with a knife, and threatens to kill us. eileen asked me if i wanted to work with the pulsers and try to process the nightmare which is also a part memory because its a senario that did happen to us on many occasions. so i said i wanted to do it. it was very hard and i dissociated a lot at the beginning. but every time i dissociated eileen was able to stop what we were doing and bring me back out of it. at one point she had me stand up and feel the sun on my face, feel some things that were in her office, familiar objects to me. anyway getting back to the nightmare. she asked me on a scale of 1-7 how disturbing was it? at the start of the session it was ata 7. she asked me to bring up the picture of my abuser chasing me and tell her how it made me feel, what was in the image that came up, how my body was reacting to it etc. it was very intense. but i did it and i was able to describe to her in detail how it made me feel. we processed it a little more for a while. then every so often she’d check in with me and ask me on a scale of 1-7 with 7 being the most disturbing how was i doing and how disturbing was the dream now. we focused a lot on the memory in the nightmare. and then we made a new ending. she asked me how the dream ended. at first when i remembered the nightmare and when she asked me how it made me feel, what was the belief about myself i said i felt trapped, and like i couldnt break free. by the end i didnt feel that way any more. we made a new ending where i ran away from my abuser. and of course liz said she wanted to hurt him and eileen said she could, she could defend herself now from him. we talked about some parts being fearful of the pulsers and the processing and eileen kept reassuring them that she had no agenda and that they were all welcome and that she was just aiding us to process a memory that we were not going into it but that we were just working at trying to resolve it. she kept saying that if we resolve it that the nightmare will stop reoccuring. i am glad we did that piece of work today. i feel a lot better after it, i have a lot more clarity and i feel less anxious and fearful. its hard work though. i do feel very tired after the session. eileen said hopefully i’ll sleep well tonight. i think i will.
carol anne