close your eyes
don’t make a sound
don’t look around
go to sleep
that’s it
relax, breathe
but I cant
why? why not?
bad dreams, don’t you know?
don’t you see?
cant you see how they effect me?
the truth is
nobody can
im all alone
alone on this planet
as I sit
unable to breathe
unable to fight
my demons
they linger
as I sit
as I sit and ponder
what to do next
my head is full
full of worries and fears
these worries and fears
have been here for years
they aren’t going anywhere
for now though
for now…
I will go make a cup of tea
and I will try
to just be
to sit
and try to not quit!

Its been a weird night tonight

Im having a really weird night. I didn’t go to bed until around 1 AM. I fell asleep but it was a light sleep I was in. I kept waking up! Not sure why, but I had weird dreams, I actually cant really remember what they were about, just that they felt weird to me!

My phone kept going off too. I didn’t silence it like I normally would. And my wordpress notifications kept going off! So that kept jolting me awake too.

Finally I got up at around 4:30 so not much sleep at all here tonight! Before I woke up for the final time and got ut, I was in a semi sleep state, and I kept jolting awake as I thought I heard noises. I kept thinking please let me be ok, don’t let anything bad happen to me!

Not sure why I was having thoughts of something happening to me? Weird?

Anyway I have a full day today! I have my PA coming at 9 AM. We’re off to the gym…followed by an apt with my gp for my diabetic review! I am hoping to come off my diabetic meds finally! It looks like my blood sugars are really good my A1C was good or so I’ve been told, so fingers crossed I can come off the meds.

Volunteering this afternoon and then going to my parents for the weekend after that. I doubt I’ll have time to look around me today lol.

Dont worry, Its just a bad dream…

eyes wide open
heart beats wildly in my chest
middle of the night
sweaty palms
a pounding heart
glazed eyes
as i try
not to remember
bad dreams they suck
so so much
going over in my head
i fear, i dread
what will happen
if I allow my mind
to go there?
or should I
Who cares?
and just do it
Just sit
Let my mind take me
Take me back
to that place
no! No! I shouldnt!
Ok, I tell myself…
try to breathe
and try to go back to sleep
tomorrow, things will look different

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Early start

So I woke up at 4:30 this morning. I had gone to bed early and I slept well. I was so glad about that. Its hard for us so much of the time to sleep, that when we do get a good sleep its wonderful.

I had weird dreams though. I was dreaming about my autistic cousin. I cant remember the dream now but I know it was a weird one. I woke up feeling a little disconcerted. I think that topic seems like it was a weird thing to dream about. I wasn’t even thinking about my cousin before going to sleep.

I’ve showered now and its not even 7 AM yet. I feel great after my shower. I put this lovely vanilla lotion on and it smells so good. Then I also put my flowers perfume by kenzo on. It just smells so gorgeous.

My PA is coming at 9. Its our second week together. We are going to do housework and maybe go for a walk if the weather cooperates. It looks like it will stay dry though. I hope so as I really want to get out and go walking.

Im also going volunteering later today in the afternoon. I have to call my supervisor this morning to see if she can pick me up. The likelihood is she can or if she cant, then her colleague trish will do it.

/after volunteering I will head to my parents house for the weekend, like I do every weekend. So a busy Friday is in store. My PA will be here until 1 PM. So for four hours in total.

#whatif prompt june 15th

Todays #whatif prompt over at what if we all cared is lilac dreams!

My take on it:

In my lilac dreams
I float
Its so surreal
My lilac dreams
Tell a story
I dont want to wake from them
I want to go on pretending
That these lilac dreams
Are my every day dreams
That there are no nightmares, ever
that these lilac dreams
That filled tonight
Bright and shiny
Like a new penny
Making me feel
Happy, joyful
In a good mood!
These lilac dreams
Are just, so, brilliant!
Long may they last!


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winning the lottery

i wanna win it! i really would love a big win. it would make life so much easier!
the euromillions was won in ireland this week! a syndicate of 32 people won 17 million euros.
Fair play to them! I hope they’ll be very happy.
Now if only I could win big. I can dream though?

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Awake again at 1 AM

second night in a row that I am up and awake at 1 AM.
I managed to get maybe 3 hours of sleep. So not a lot. I just made a coffee because I know I wont sleep again.
I had weird dreams. I cant really remember any of them fully but I just know they were weird.
One of the staff here came in when I was sleeping and woke me up. She wanted to close the windows. I hate it when I am asleep and someone wakes me up. Thank goodness I was able to go back to sleep again.
Ok well I am going to catch up on blogs. I have a load to catch up on. Thanks for reading guys!
carol anne