4:45 AM

I woke up at 4 AM. I got up since I wasnt able to go back to sleep. I did go to bed pretty early though I was in bed by 10 PM. And I slept so thats good.

I am seeing my psychiatrist this morning. I am going to get to the hospital early, so that I will hopefully be finished early, since I have that awards ceremony and lunch today with my friendly call colleagues. I am being picked up to go to the ceremony and lunch at 12:30. I need to get out of my apt with dr. barry quickly, as I need to go to moms, get changed and put on make up.

I am looking forward to the awards ceremony. It should be a good day I think.

I am going to stay in mom and dads tonight. Im not sure of what time I’ll get back to their house at, and it just doesnt make sense to go home to my own house after it. I have to go to the basement club in the morning, I have a meeting to attend there about lunch hosting, so I will go directly there from mom and dads house tomorrow, and then I will go home after my meeting, since I will have Amanda my PA coming on friday morning.

I am in a good mood today. Plus, another few days of Oct. have gone by. Yay. I am so glad. I’ll just be so glad when Oct. is over.

carol anne

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Low mood

I am feeling really off today. my moods so low. so i went to mom and dads. i rang mom and i told her i felt off. i asked her if it would be ok if I came over. Of course she said yes that I should come over. So I did. I just feel so down. I’m struggling with memories, and intense emotions. The memories are awful. Its so hard to feel them come up. I had to ring amanda who is my PA and tell her I wouldnt be able to do our hours tomorrow. She was ok with that though. Because I didnt give her enough notice, she will still get payed. You had to give 24 hours notice or more before the PA doesnt get payed. I dont really feel up to doing anything this evening, so I think I’ll just chill out. Read and stuff. Just want to try to get through the rest of tonight. Sarah the CPN rang today also. Dr. barry had spoken to her and she’s going to ring me the weeks that I dont see dr. barry. So I’ll see dr. barry one week and on the alternative week Sarah will phone me. We had a good chat. She’s really nice and very understanding. She said I can do this I can get through the month and I will be ok, I just have to keep reminding myself that this month is half over now and I can make it through it. She is right, I know I can. I just do need to keep saying that to myself and hopefully that will help me get through it.

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#write 31 days, introducing, allie!

hi. im allie. im 9 years old. my long name is alicia. i go by allie though always.

im not really sure what to write about myself. in our system i am a light. i am looked after by carol anne. she is my inside mom.

sometimes i have meltdowns. i get angry. i break things. i get really upset. i cant help it. sometimes it sucks to be a kid in a grown up body.

i love my therapist. her name is eileen. i want her to be my mommy. she says she cant though. i also love my psychiatrist dr. barry. i want her to adopt me. i wish i can go live with her. but she says i cant. she said thats not possible. i wish it was though.

carol anne says its my passion in life to have dr. barry adopt me and to be taken care of by her or eileen. i suppose that is true.

i like watching cartoons. i also like disney movies. i like the movies tangled, frozen, and the little mermaid. those are my favourites to watch.

i have a besty in another system. her name is rash. she is cool. i love her and we always get in a lot of trouble. we’ve been besties for a while now. she says i crack her up like a pestachio. ha ha!

well thats all i know to tell you! i hope you liked reading this little intro thing about me.
bye for a while!
love, allie!

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Dr. Barry apt. Extra support this month, and, We’re moving!

had a great apt with dr. barry today. really got in to a lot with her. we talked about the time of the year, and how we are really struggling for the next month. I asked her if there was any possibility we could see the mental health nurse sara over the month of october as some extra support. She said yes that wouldnt be a problem, and she thought that it would actually be a great idea. So she is going to speak to her at their team meeting next monday. Even if its just phone support, at least there will be extra support, an extra person checking in with us. So I am happy about that. We talked about therapy as well, I told her about the darks working with eileen, working on why it is they do what they do, why they feel the need to contact past abusers, and respond to them. Dr. barry likened it to learning a new dance, she said its hard not to do the old one when you hear the music, she said if you know it, you’ll automatically do what you know, its like that with the darks too. They are learning a new way of being, and trying to change, and getting to a place where they no longer feel the need to contact abusers, but that takes time, and there will be hiccups along the way. I liked her analagy of it being like a familiar dance. I could relate to that. I told her about our friend asking me to talk to her on her behalf. She was not happy about it. She apologised to me, told me she was sorry that I was stuck in the middle of this. She said that she wasnt able to discuss her case, I knew she wouldnt be able to, and she wasnt able to tell me what she was going to do about it, but she said she would be doing something as this sort of behaviour wasnt acceptible and it wasnt fair on us to be put in that predicament. So I know she’ll deal with it. She said she knows too that when I am ready, and in a better headspace than I am in now, I’ll talk to my friend, and tell her that its not right what she did. And I will, just not right now. Right now I am dealing with a lot and dont feel up to having that conversation with her. We talked about moving to a new building, dr. barry said its happening within the next two weeks. We’ll be moving to a purpose built building. There wont only be mental health providers there though, there will be a whole lot of medical personel, doctors, clinics etc. We talked about our needs, and how we may need extra help. Dr. barry said that would be fine, she understood we need extra support and she said maybe the mental health nurse sarah can help us with that too. That sounds good to me. She said for me to take it that our next apt in two weeks will be in the old building unless I hear otherwise. They havent finalised things yet and dr. barry said her team havent been fully informed yet about the move, they’ve only been told that the move is happening. Its a lot of change though and we’re not good with change. Other than that we just discussed the letters I found from my gramma last weekend, we talked about slimming world, and a few other things as well. It was a really great appointment.

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2 appointments

I have two apts this morning. I am seeing my OT Mark, and I am also seeing Dr. barry.
It will be a busy morning. I have a half hour between the two apts.
Im not sure what I am going to do today with mark. I’ve forgotten what we said we were going to do during this apt.
After I am done with these apts I need to go home and I will have to jump in the shower since I didnt have time to jump in it this morning.
My mom is coming over in the afternoon. And then I will have slimming world tonight.
So a busy day ahead for me!

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Irritated with my friend

A friend just sent me a text at 4 AM. I know she’s doing badly so I didn’t mind her texting me. I was up anyway so what did it matter?
but then, then she asked me to talk to dr. barry and tell her that she, my friend is very low, and she asked me if I’d tell dr. barry that I was worried about her and afraid she was going to do something to herself.
Just to clarify, me and her have the same psychiatrist…that is, dr. barry.
I didn’t know what to say. I did not want to talk to dr. barry about her.
Plus I don’t think dr. barry would actually discuss her with me! You know like, I could say it to dr. barry that she’s low, but I doubt dr. barry will want to talk about it with me! And that is how it should be!
I told her this. I did tell her I’d tell dr. barry that she wasn’t doing very well. I am not happy she has put me in that position though!
She had an apt yesterday with the team, she missed it. It is not my fault if she misses her apts!
I know she doesn’t always see dr. barry though. And I do. So maybe she thinks by me talking to dr. barry for her that dr. barry will then do something for her?
I think she wants to go into hospital! She said as much to me in the text.
I guess Im just frustrated. Why am I always s put in awkward positions by her?
I think another talk about boundaries is in order!
She knows she should not ask, I know she knows as she said to me in the text, I hate asking you but…
Just feel so frustrated!
What would you do in my position?

Flu shot

so i got my flu shot. it was not painful at all. i thought it would be. i was pleasantly surprised.

i told the nurse to tell me when she was going to put the needle in my arm. she did that and everything went ok. it was over in a matter of seconds. am very pleased its done and over with now!

I asked her to book me in for bloods. She looked and said I hadnt had a full blood panel done since 2016. So she booked me in. The soonest I could get was for two weeks time. So on the 19th I will go have my blood taken, my liver, kidneys, and cholesterol checked. I will also have an A1C. And other bloods done as well.

I’m glad I dont go to my GP’S surgery very often. The wait is a killer! There was plenty of people lining up to see the nurse! Ah well, its all over now for another year. And hopefully I can avoid the flu or a nasty strain of it at least.

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