saw dr. barry this morning. it went well.
we talked about the depression and low mood.
she said she thinks something is triggering it, perhaps something that happened during the did reassessment.
i said i wasnt sure but maybe that could be it.
i told her that i am managing it for now. i didnt want to go in to the hospital. i want to try to get through it on my own, in the community.
she agreed with me. she said to keep doing the things i am doing that help me cope with it.
i said blogging had really helped me lately. that everyone on my blog had been so supportive. and so helpful with their lovely comments.
we also talked some about therapy and about insiders who havent worked with eileen before now starting to trust her and work with her. she congradulated us on that.
it was a very good appointment. i was happy to get her perspective on things.
I didn’t go volunteering today. I just couldn’t.
My mood never picked up. I felt really really off. Just was feeling overwhelmed, very much so.
So I called the office and told them I wouldn’t be in.
And then I went to bed. And I actually slept for like 3 hours. And now that I did that I am feeling a little bit better.
Not 100 percent better, but a little at least.
When I woke up I ate something. And then I made a cup of tea.
I think I just have to be nice to myself today. Do a little self care.
Tomorrow I will see dr. Barry. I am thinking I really need to see her. I am actually pretty excited for my apt tomorrow.
Hopefully it will help and I will feel much better after it.
just. ug. thats all i can manage. i’m so frustrated. i thought i was getting somewhere with this headcold. I thought it was easing a little. no such luck.
I made a lemsip. its now 5:30 AM. I managed to go back to sleep earlier, after waking at 1:30, I stayed up for like an hour then went back to sleep. But I slept fitfully. I tossed and turned and couldnt breathe too good.
It is not cool. I am so done with being sick. I just wish it was over.
My body is aching now too, so its not just my head and nose. My muscles ache, they feel weak. And I am hot and cold as well.
sigh. I’m not a very good patient either. I dont have patience for being sick. I just want an end to it.
Even nitros avoiding me tonight. He’s been sleeping. Normally he’d get out of his bed and come lie by my bed. But he didnt tonight. Guess he wants to avoid me too 😦
anyway. I better drink this lemsip. after this I only have one left.
I think I’m going to be on my own in class this morning. There should be another girl coming in but she rarely comes in. She is really bad at attending. So I might be by myself. Thats ok too though. I am able to work on my own and I actually prefer it.
I need to ring my gp’s office and order my meds today. I meant to do it yesterday but i forgot. I have to have the injection by next week as its due then. It takes 2 days for a prescription to be ready so I better get on it today.
Anyway. I’ll leave it here for now. Catch yall later!
had our apt with dr barry today. it went well.
we werent waiting long at all before she called us in. the clinic was pretty quiet.
she told me it was a good thing i wasnt coming in last week, as she got snowed in and couldnt come in to work on wednesday, thursday or friday.
i talked to her about my anxiety. i told he r how bad it has been. she asked me if i knew why i was so anxious. i said i felt overwhelmed. overwhelmed because i’ve been trying to sort out the system, its been very chaotic lately.
she asked me if i am putting a lot of pressure on myself and expectations on myself to try to fix things when i cant. i said probably thati always seem to do that.
she was looking back on my notes and she said the anxiety seemed to start after our did reassessment. that hadnt even occured to me but when I thought about it she’s right.
that did reassessment was huge.
we talked about sleep, i told her ours was still off.
she didnt really have any suggestions for me, other than to try to put a bedtime routine in place, and stick to it.
thats hard for me though. i just cant seem to do it.
we talked about therapy. i told her that we’ve had a few pretty intense sessions lately. but that we’re progressing and doing some EMDR to process memories.
I asked her about meeting the new social worker on her team. She said she’d make a formal referral. And that I could meet her maybe in two weeks time.
I’m thinking she can help me with funding for some equipment, not sure if she’ll be able to do it but I’ll ask her.
that was about it, it was a shorter appointment today.
I’M SO NERVOUS. I DONT WANNA SEE DR BARRY THIS MORNING. I NEVER TALKED TO HER BUT I HAVE WATCHED. SHE SEEMS NICE, BUT…BUT… I AM NOT READY. I KEEP THINKING WHAT IF SHE SAYS WE’RE DOING BAD AND WANTS TO HOSPITALISE US? CAROL ANNE SAYS SHE WONT. BUT I AM WORRIED. I AM SO DEPRESSED. WHAT IF SHE CATCHES ON TO THAT. WHAT IF SHE SAYS WE NEED TO BE IN THE HOSPITAL TO FIX IT? I DONT WANT TO GO TO THE HOSPITAL. I HATE IT THERE. PLEASE PRAY SHE DOESNT SEND ME THERE.
eat a healthy breakfast
see dr. barry
discuss the issue of missing meds with dr barry
do some work on some of the modules in class
eat a healthy lunch
read my book
clean up my old computer so that my niece can use it
go to slimming world and get weighed in
eat a healthy dinner
go to bed at a decent hour
its allie. im so sad.
i realy wanta mom. i want eileen. or dr. barry.
i dont care if i cant have them. i want them. i want a nice mom. a good mom. a mom who will see me. a mom who will love me. a mom who cares.
dr. barry and eileen, they care. they love me. they’ve said it to me.
so i know its true.
ive been cryin a lot tonight.
its so unfair that i have no mom to love me.
i want hugs and kisses, to talk, to be heard.
to be seen, to be me. to be ffree.
i want to live with dr. barry. or eileen. they are my two safe people. i love both of them.
im just so sad. so so sad.
life is so unfair.
allie age 9