hi. its allie. and i wanted to write to say today i talked with dr. barry. for a long time. and it felt so nice. she maked me feel so good about myself. she listened. she made me feel like i was the only person who mattered in the world. we talked about spacing our apointments out to two weeks apart. and i told her i dont want to but liz and carol anne do. and im not the only one who dont want to, all of us kids dont. she understood. but she said its an opportunity to challenge some things. and to grow. and we need to do that challenge our attachment issues. she said shes not goin anywhere and that if she ever planned on going somewhere shed let me know. she said carol anne had told her last week she loved how honest she is with us. and that she believes in being honest. and so that is why she said she’d tell me if she was ever going anywhere. she said taylor was very honest with her last week about her feelings as well. so that made me want to be honest with her too. so then i told her about how im scared shell leave me. and i feelin abandoned even tho she hasnt gone no where. and i dont wanna space out apts out because what if it means i dont see her nearly as much. i will miss her! she said she isnt able to keep up the weekly appointments because of demands on her from other patients. but she said if we spaced outthe apts to two weeks apart that shed keep them like that for a while. so we are doin it. and im not happy. but i gess ill try it. see what happens. i showed her my new book. she loved it. its the new book carol anne bought us for eileen to read to us. its called today i feel silly and other moods that make my day. she kept apologising to me because she said the language she was using to explain the attachment stuff probably wasnt age appropriate for me. but that she knows eileen is better at dealing with that side of things and so she thinks itd be good if i talked with her. i told her what eileen said about feelings, that they dont be going to kill us. and that its ok to be how we are there no pressure to be any other way. i also told her that eileen said we are confused because her role and dr. barrys role are similar and that spacing them apts out might be a good thing cuz then itd give us a chance to see eileen as the mother figure and attach to her more so that we can heal our past. dr. barry said that thats probably a good idea because even though shes our psychiatrist our attachment to her is a different sort of attachment to eileen, and in some ways eileen is more important because the deeper work is being done with her.
it was a good session. im glad i came out. i hope i can again soon.
so therapy yesterday was intense. we were so anxious going in. mosty due to friday. it was awful. insiders were panicked and we were dissociated. but eileen was great, as always. she layed so many of our anxieties to rest. she said that she did not believe that the did experts would look to take any of our support away. that they are simply coming in with another pair of eyes, looking at where things are at for us now 7 years on after initial diagnosis. that she feels we are not anywhere near ready to slow therapy down or go less often. that we have a long long way to go and that we havent really even started on the processing of memories yet, but that she felt as a system we were becoming more cohesive, and opening up more to her as time went on. she told me that the doctor who initially diagnosed me, Paul Miller, he’s a psychiatrist specialising in EMDR in northern ireland, well he is her supervisor and supervises her trauma and EMDR work, so that is good, because he already knows us and so he has a good idea of how things are for us system wise, and I felt better knowing that he was supervising eileen. she thought I’d be mad that she hadnt told me this sooner. but of course I wasnt. she told me that the funders who fund my therapy had reassured her that they would not be pulling our sessions and that this assessment was just basically to see where things were at, a sort of review. i told her about a conversation we had with dr. barry last week. basically dr. barry told me she has a list of questions to ask Remy on friday, she wants to talk to him about our attachment issues, and about how best to go about helping us to move forward because right now she feels she and us are stuck in a loop. she feels we arent secure in the attachment with us and that if we dont see her for a week or if she goes on vacation we panic and we think she is never coming back. this is true, we do. but i do think we are somewhat secure in our attachment to her. she told us of her anxieties around spacing out our apts to bi weekly, that she is afraid to do that in case we will destabilise and she doesnt want to set us back. however i told eileen yesterday i feel ready to go bi weekly now, i feel this is a good thing. its the kids, the kids dont want to, they see it as dr barry leaving them, or abandoning them. its hard for them, confusing, they see both eileen and dr. barry in similar roles, and eileen said yesterday that she feels spacing out our dr. barry apts will be a good thing because the roles wont be so blurred. she said that she feels psychiatry and therapy are similar but very different at the same time. psychiatry is about managing symptoms and meds, where as therapy and the work we are doing with her is about healing the past. i agree. she said that the kids are seeing both her and dr. barry as mom figures, when there really can only be one mother figure because otherwise it gets muddy and merky. i also agree with this. she said sometimes we need different people in different ways, and different relationships can bring us different things and get different needs met for us. it was a very good session.i felt so much better after it. i feel less worried about friday now. i feel more at ease. i am going into it with a new outlook.
we are having a bit of an unsettled night tonight.
i think it is due to having therapy tomorrow morning and knowing there is a lot to talk about.
we are having the did experts from the pottergate centre in the UK come over this friday and do a reassessment. Its a big deal for all of us.
its been 7 years since they saw us and a lot has happened in that time. mostly positive stuff.
lots has changed for us.
I guess we are afraid in part that they’ll say we are now too stable for ongoing support on a regular basis. we do not want to lose our support system.
if anything in order for us to remain stable we need to keep it within reach.
i am however ok if they say we can go a little longer than a week without seeing dr. barry. I think I’m ready to space out those apts a little bit, even to fortnightly apts.
I guess we’ll see what happens.
so i had my apt with dr. barry today. it was good. we talked about the upcoming did assessment. she is seeking guidance from the did specialists going forward with our treatment. basically she’s been winging it on her own for four and a half years, doing what she thinks is right, what she thinks she should be doing to treat our did. an opportunity has come up to get some guidance so she is taking it. its happening next week, on friday the 8th. it’ll be me, dr. barry, eileen, and the did specialist. today she talked to me about my feelings surrounding the assessment. i told her i was anxious. i told her one main reason i am so anxious is that i fear the did specialist saying i need to cut down on therapy, or saying something like that I’ve had too much already and i dont need so much going forward. basically i fear getting well. i fear stability. i fear losing dr. barry and eileens support. dr. barry understand my fears. she said this is an ongoing thing and we need to challenge it now because right now we are stuck. we are stuck in a loop and we cant get past it. she is seeing us weekly right now. she said today that part of her own anxiety is that she is afraid to push our appointments out further than a week apart because she is afraid of us decompressing, destabilising, etc. she said she really loves it when we’re doing well and she wants us to be ok and do well, she fears that we wont if she pushes our appointments out. she said she has seen in the past how insiders will act out, or do damage to our body, sabbotage therapy etc if they feel threatened. or like they are losing support. she said she has a list of questions for the did specialists around attachment and how to deal with the very tough aspects of attachment for a did system. she said when there are so many insiders at play its very hard as there are so many conflicting issues. i agreed. i love her honesty. i love that she felt she could say all of this to me. she said today to me that she feels we have a very good theraputic relationship. and we do. its 4 and a half years now that we’ve been seeing her. she told me today that a couple years ago she wouldnt have dreamed of saying the stuff about her own feelings to me but now she feels she can say it and we can talk about it. i love her for that. i love her for being real, letting her own emotions show and being so transparent. she said she feels we need to keep challening the attachment issues, they are ongoing, very complex, and will take a lot of work but she is hopeful that in the future we can push appointments out to first 2 and then 3 weeks and we will still feel secure in the attachment, we will know that even though we arent seeing dr. barry right there and then that she will be there for us, and she is not disappearing just because we havent seen her. right now that is the problem, we feel like she is gone for good when we dont see her. if she goes on a weeks holidays we feel like its the end of the world and we cant cope. that is the kind of thing we’re trying to change. so yeah it was a great conversation. hopefully next week the did specialist will have some ideas for how to manage it a little bit better.
dr. barry put us on prazazin today. we asked her if she would. i thought she’d say no. she told me its not licensed here to treat nightmares, or ptsd. its only licensed to treat blood pressure problems. but she said she’d be willing to give it to us as an off label med, meaning she would sanction it and start us on a low dose, see how we do on it. so she started us on 1 mg at bedtime, and next week she’ll increase it to 2. and then the week after she’ll go up to 4. she said she isnt comfortable with going above 4 MG of it though. i love that she’s willing to try things that she normally wouldnt do. i love how she always listens to me. all I said to her was my friend was on it, and it helps her with her ptsd symptoms and nightmares. i already take prozac which is sanctioned here for ptsd symptoms. but she said its safe to take prazazin with prozac. so we shall see. this might turn out to be a good thing. i’ll keep everyone posted.
today i saw dr barry. it went well as it always does. i was glad i got to see her. i had to cancel last week due to my aunts funeral, so i didnt see her last week. we talked about my aunts funeral today. and we talked about my really bad anxiety. she was curious as to why the anxiety was so bad. she wanted to know if i knew the link. i didnt really know. i took a guess and had a bit of a clue but am not sure or fully convinced. i told her i hadnt been sleeping well either. monday night being an awful night. last night was ok though, i told her it flucuates, i can sleep good for two or three nights, then i’m back to not sleeping again. its so frustrating. she did not really give me any new suggestions, just said we’d keep an eye on things. that will do for now. i still need to talk to her about meds, about the med for ptsd and night terrors. i havent done that yet. i forgot today. we talked about our assessment coming up on december 8th. i told heri had asked mom if she wanted to go but that she’d said no. she said she thought my mom found it really difficult to say things to me, and so it was probably hard for her to admit that she couldnt cope with going to it. i thought that is probably true. i also told her about saying to mom last night while we were on the phone, at the end of our conversation, i love you, and mom never said it back, but then when we hung up a couple minutes later a text came in and it said i love you too. i guess she couldnt verbalise it to me on the phone, it was easier for her to write it in a text. dr barry told me there is now a new social worker, to replace karen. her name is mary. i asked her if she is young or old, she said she wasnt as young as karen, but she wasnt that old either. she said she is a little overwhelmed having just started this week, so could we wait a week or two to do introductions. i said sure that’d be ok with me. we also chatted a bit about therapy. over all it was a very good session. it felt so good to see dr barry. safe, familiar, and most of all validating.
I feel very sad. I’m feeling alone and very afraid. Seeing dr Barry this morning. Think we will have a lot to talk about. If anyone’s around I could usee a friend