So I emailed eileen! I told her I am dealing with some very distressed kids! They’ve been crying all day! They are missing her lots! I told them she’s thinking of them and she will be back very soon! I dont think it helped! I told them I’d email her so that she’d know they were missing her. So I hope she’ll check her email tonight. She said she’d be checking it daily but that she wont respond while she’s away which is fair enough. Its hard for the kids. She’s their safe person, or one of them, Dr. barry being their other safe person, and now she’s away too so its doubly hard for them. I think maybe I need to sit down with the kids and read them a book maybe one of the books we have about feelings and let them know its ok to feel how they feel. Maybe that will help them.
I FEEL SAD DONT KNOW WHATS UP WITH ME TONIGHT I JUST FEEL BAD TONIGHT FEEL INSECURE AND DEPRESSED SAD AND ALONE NUMB AND EMOTIONAL ALL AT ONCE IT SUCKS I HATE IT I WISH I COULD TURN OFF MY FEELINGS I WOULD REALLY LOVE IT IF I COULD DO THAT BUT I CANT I JUST HAVE TO GRIN AND BEAR IT I GUESS I WISH WE COULD TALK TO JESS THATS CAROL ANNES PARTNER I WANT TO KNOW HOW SHE IS SHE IS STILL IN RESIDENTIAL IN A FACILITY BUT SHE HAS HER PHONE TURNED OFF AND WE TRIED RINGING THE PATIENT PHONE BUT NOBODYS ANSWERING IT SO WE HAVENT TALKED TO HER IN A FEW MONTHS AND WE MISS HER IN FACT I MISS HER WHOLE SYSTEM SHES MULTIPLE TOO ANYWAY OH WELL WHAT DO YOU DO NOTHING I GUESS BETTER GO TAKE MY MEDS NOW
she starts to think
starts to tremble
flashes engulf her mind and body
flashes from the past
she begins to cry
nothing escapes her lips
trembling, she pulls her arms tightly around her body
she waits for the tornado to disapate
it does, eventually
as she lies on her bed
she wonders why
and softly cries
“i dont know why your being assessed”
“there is nothing wrong with you”
“your wasting peoples time and money”
“you are not sikck”
“you must love going to doctors”
all spoken by our dad. words hurt. my heart is empty and heavy. the grief is weighing heavily on my heart tonight.
i wanted mom to go to our assessment on friday. i wanted it so bad. i wanted her to go to support us.
but she said no. a firm no.
“why would i go”
“your being assessed, not me”
“I have no business being there”
“its pointless me going”
nothing about i know its hard so I’ll go to support you. it fucking hurts.
just saw my OT mark. he had a student with him today. a final year fourth year college student who was studying to be an OT. he had asked me if it was ok if the student came in, i said yes. after all he has to learn!
we talked about me starting the independent living skills course. mark did not know i was starting it, i had not gotten the place when i last saw him. he was thrilled for me. said it was a great opportunity. which it is thats true.
we talked and i told him i’d been writing lists. lists of my triggers, lists of my coping skills, lists of distraction techniques. lists of who to go to when I am in crisis. so many lists.
i’ve also been looking at grounding techniques. the staff in abode arent trained in dealing with mental illness. they know a little bit about it but most of them dont have a background in psych stuff. they know i have did and ptsd. i havent hidden it from them. but i want to find ways to manage during the week, because then i have a higher success rate of finishing the course out.
dr. barry told me this morning that it wont be a problem, because I am managing my mental health every day, with not a lot of support.
its just staying in the residential setting from monday to friday will be a whole new experience for me. one i am not used to. mark told me to bring lots of comfort objects. so i will. i’m going to bring my blanket and some stuffed animals. the littles need their stuffies.
he asked me what helps when i am triggered, i told him mostly sensory stuff, tactile things help. patting nitro, smelling the rose scent, wrapping up in my blanket, drinking something etc. things i can touch, feel, smell, taste, etc.
we are going to meet again in two weeks, i’ll have started the course by then and will have a week done. so we’ll meet after the first week for a kind of debrief.
so in case you wondered about who wrote the post earlier where we wanted to cut? it was liz. some of you who know us well might have know it was her. she forgot to sign her name at the end though. but she did write in all caps which is her style of writing so people may have guessed who wrote it.
we all tried to help her well ok not all but some of us did some of the teen insiders did. me, amy, alexa, Tristan, asher, cora, wendy, willow, ro, jade, etc.
she listened to music and read a book. we also made some tea and watched a little tv with surprise of surprises our dad. he was in a chatty mood which was nice. we watched the six o’clock news, that was kind of depressing but we do like to know what is going on in the world.
this weekend is going to be very low key. I intend on finishing a Maggie Hartley book that I’ve been reading called who will love me now. I also intend on catching up on some shows I like on tv, doing something creative, maybe going to visit my friend if I feel up to it.
Anyone got a good idea for a creative craft?
Do any of my readers do art? If you do what kind do you like to do?
What tv shows do you like to watch on tv?
The shows I am watching are shows that I will need to watch during the day because they relate to crime and so I cant watch them by night.
What is the weather like this weekend in your part of the world?
Its actually sunny here today rare for September. Its about 16 degrees c not sure what that is in degrees f.
wonder where the last hour went? thats me right now. dissociated, and wondering where the time went. ug, sigh. i think i’m in for a tough night, sitting here with my cup of coffee, wondering how it got made, who made it, awkward did moment?
yes, i can feel the panic and palpitations already in my chest, wondering where this is going, what is the trigger, guess i’ll find out soon enough…