“i dont know why your being assessed”
“there is nothing wrong with you”
“your wasting peoples time and money”
“you are not sikck”
“you must love going to doctors”
all spoken by our dad. words hurt. my heart is empty and heavy. the grief is weighing heavily on my heart tonight.
i wanted mom to go to our assessment on friday. i wanted it so bad. i wanted her to go to support us.
but she said no. a firm no.
“why would i go”
“your being assessed, not me”
“I have no business being there”
“its pointless me going”
nothing about i know its hard so I’ll go to support you. it fucking hurts.
just saw my OT mark. he had a student with him today. a final year fourth year college student who was studying to be an OT. he had asked me if it was ok if the student came in, i said yes. after all he has to learn!
we talked about me starting the independent living skills course. mark did not know i was starting it, i had not gotten the place when i last saw him. he was thrilled for me. said it was a great opportunity. which it is thats true.
we talked and i told him i’d been writing lists. lists of my triggers, lists of my coping skills, lists of distraction techniques. lists of who to go to when I am in crisis. so many lists.
i’ve also been looking at grounding techniques. the staff in abode arent trained in dealing with mental illness. they know a little bit about it but most of them dont have a background in psych stuff. they know i have did and ptsd. i havent hidden it from them. but i want to find ways to manage during the week, because then i have a higher success rate of finishing the course out.
dr. barry told me this morning that it wont be a problem, because I am managing my mental health every day, with not a lot of support.
its just staying in the residential setting from monday to friday will be a whole new experience for me. one i am not used to. mark told me to bring lots of comfort objects. so i will. i’m going to bring my blanket and some stuffed animals. the littles need their stuffies.
he asked me what helps when i am triggered, i told him mostly sensory stuff, tactile things help. patting nitro, smelling the rose scent, wrapping up in my blanket, drinking something etc. things i can touch, feel, smell, taste, etc.
we are going to meet again in two weeks, i’ll have started the course by then and will have a week done. so we’ll meet after the first week for a kind of debrief.
so in case you wondered about who wrote the post earlier where we wanted to cut? it was liz. some of you who know us well might have know it was her. she forgot to sign her name at the end though. but she did write in all caps which is her style of writing so people may have guessed who wrote it.
we all tried to help her well ok not all but some of us did some of the teen insiders did. me, amy, alexa, Tristan, asher, cora, wendy, willow, ro, jade, etc.
she listened to music and read a book. we also made some tea and watched a little tv with surprise of surprises our dad. he was in a chatty mood which was nice. we watched the six o’clock news, that was kind of depressing but we do like to know what is going on in the world.
this weekend is going to be very low key. I intend on finishing a Maggie Hartley book that I’ve been reading called who will love me now. I also intend on catching up on some shows I like on tv, doing something creative, maybe going to visit my friend if I feel up to it.
Anyone got a good idea for a creative craft?
Do any of my readers do art? If you do what kind do you like to do?
What tv shows do you like to watch on tv?
The shows I am watching are shows that I will need to watch during the day because they relate to crime and so I cant watch them by night.
What is the weather like this weekend in your part of the world?
Its actually sunny here today rare for September. Its about 16 degrees c not sure what that is in degrees f.
wonder where the last hour went? thats me right now. dissociated, and wondering where the time went. ug, sigh. i think i’m in for a tough night, sitting here with my cup of coffee, wondering how it got made, who made it, awkward did moment?
yes, i can feel the panic and palpitations already in my chest, wondering where this is going, what is the trigger, guess i’ll find out soon enough…
do you find it hard to cry? and do you think there is a reason behind it?
THERAPY TODAY WAS A DISASTER WE TALKED ABOUT THE UPCOMING BREAK AND I GOT SO ANGRY WITH EILEEN BECAUSE I DONT WANT HER TO GO ON HOLIDAY NEXT WEEK I FEEL LIKE WE HAVENT REALLY PREPARED FOR IT I TOLD HER I THOUGHT IT WASNT FAIR THAT SHE’D ONLY HAD A WEEK AT EASTER SO WHY DID SHE NEED ANOTHER SO SOON? SHE KEPT SAYING IT WAS OK FOR ME TO BE ANGRY AT HER THAT SHE WOULD WALK THIS JOURNEY WITH ME, THAT ONLY MADE ME MADDER. I TOLD HER HOW MUCH THE KIDS ARE STRUGGLING, SHE ONLY SAID ME AND CAROL ANNE AND THE OLDER INSIDERS WOULD WE TRY TO SUPPORT THEM WHILE SHE WAS AWAY SO THEY WOULD NOT BE ON THEIR OWN? OK, BUT WHAT ABOUT US? WE’RE FEELING LIKE WE’RE ON OUR OWN TOO? SHE KEPT TRYING TO GET ME TO TALK ABOUT MY UNDERLYING FEELINGS BUT I JUST COULDNT. I WASNT GOING THERE. I JUST KEPT TELLING HER SHE WAS A TOTAL BITCH AND I WAS DONE WITH THERAPY AND I DIDNT WANT TO BE THERE AND I SHOULD JUST WALK OUT NOW. SHE WOULDNT LET ME GO THOUGH SHE SAID I NEEDED TO STAY AND FACE THIS. I SAID WHAT IS THE POINT, YOUR GOING TO GO ANYWAY? TO WHICH SHE SAID YES, BUT MAYBE THAT IS ABOUT ME RECHARGING SO I CAN BE MORE AVAILABLE AND MORE THERE FOR YOU. I WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU LIZ. NO YOU DONT, I SNAPPED. YOUR JUST TELLING ME WHAT YOU THINK I WANT TO HEAR. HAVE I EVER DONE THAT? NO, I HAD TO ADMIT. AND I’M NOT GOING TO START NOW, SHE SAID. DO YOU KNOW I’M COMING BACK? DO YOU KNOW WHEN I SAY I’M COMING BACK I MEAN IT AND I WILL BE BACK, AFTER 7 DAYS? I CRIED THEN. PART OF ME DOESNT BELIEVE YOU. I CANT FIND MY RATIONAL BRAIN THAT SAYS YOU’LL BE BACK. I JUST FEEL SO SAD. I GET THAT LIZ. I REALLY GET IT. THEN SHE TOOK OUT HER DIARY AND WE STARTED TO MAKE PLANS FOR THE FOLLOWING WEEK. MONDAY IS A BANK HOLIDAY. CAN YOU DO TUESDAY MORNING? NO, MY PA COMES THEN. WHAT ABOUT THURSDAY MORNING? NO I CANT DO THURSDAY EITHER. WELL ICANT DO WEDNESDAY BECAUSE I AM TEACHING AND FRIDAY IS TOO CLOSE TO OUR NEXT SESSION. SO WE DONT HAVE ANY THEN? I ALMOST SHOUTED IN PANIC. YOUR EXPECTING ME TO GO TWO WEEKS WITHOUT THERAPY? I CANT! I JUST CANT! WELL DO YOU WANT TO DO THE FRIDAY? NOOOOO, BECAUSE I CANT PROCESS THE SESSION BEFORE THE FOLLOWING MONDAY! OK HERES WHAT WE’LL DO, DONT PANIC. WE’LL DO A CHECK IN THAT SECOND WEEK. A PHONE CHECK IN. OK, I SLOWLY SAID, WHEN? ON THE THURSDAY EVENING. YOU CAN TEXT ME AND I CAN GIVE YOU A BETTER IDEA OF THE TIME THAT I’LL BE FREE THEN. I FELT HAPPIER THEN. SO NOW ITS 11 DAYS BEFORE I GET TO TALK TO HER. BUT I CAN EMAIL HER IF I NEED TO IN BETWEEN. I AN NOT SURE HOW I’LL SURVIVE 11 DAYS. BUT I DID PROMISE HER THAT I’D SUPPORT THE KIDS THROUGH IT. SO I GUESS I HAVE TO BE STRONG OR SOMETHING AND SUCK IT UP AND PRETEND THIS ISNT EFFECTING ME. SIGH WHY DID I HAVE TO BECOME SO ATTACHED? WHY DO I LOVE HER SO MUCH? WHY DOES ALL THIS MATTER SO MUCH TO ME? I THINK EILEEN HIT IT ON THE HEAD TODAY WHEN SHE SAID HOW SHE KNEW SHE WAS IMPORTANT TO ME, SHE IS. AND I KNOW I CAN BE ANGRY WITH HER, I KNOW I CAN SAY ABSOLUTELY ANYTHING, AND SHE IS NOT GOING ANYWHERE. AS MUCH AS I WANT HER TO SAY SHE IS SOMETIMES. I KNOW I CAN TRUST HER TO BE THERE TO GET IT AND GET ME. AND I LOVE HER FOR ALL OF THAT.
my head spins
when does it end
i start to pace
back and forth
getting worse with each second
trying to ground
the dog helps
his fur is soft and warm
he licks me bringing me back to reality
oh how i love my dog
flashbacks hurt so much
they hit when you least expect it
there is no escaping them
but maybe, just maybe
i can bring myself out of them
and into the present
for now at least