I had a better day today. Was really tired so slept a lot. Still feeling really tired. Hoping I get a good sleep tonight. My mum came to visit, that was nice. I saw Karen who is Dr Barry’s social worker. We talked about my living arrangements and the support I would need to keep my independence. She is working on sorting things out for me. If anyone can get the job done, she can. I have faith in her. She’s going to get back to me tomorrow and see what she has found out by then. I will also see Dr Barry tomorrow. I’m hoping that appointment goes good. Well better try and settle down for the night. Might be on later if I can’t sleep.
I’ve had a pretty good day. This morning was kind of tough because I didnt get much sleep last night. I’m hoping for a better nights sleep tonight. One of the nurses took blood from me this morning. They were checking things like my iron levels, thyroid, liver, kidney function etc. Usually its very hard to find my veins and get blood. But I have to hand it to her she managed to get the blood in one go. I was shocked that she actually did it. One of the nurse therapists came and asked me to go to mindfulness. I didnt want to go but she kinda made me go. It was good though and I enjoyed it. I went twice, both times we did different exercises. The first time we did coloring and used playdough. I was able to participate even though I couldnt color the pictures, I still used paper and pencils and just scribbled and I really enjoyed that. We made shapes with the playdough, that was fun. During the second mindfulness class we did this exercise where we wrote down all of our thoughts for 3 minutes, just to see how our mind bounces from one thing to another very quickly. Then the psychologist who was leading the group read out a meditation and we all just listened. I found it hard to stay focused while she read, the meditation was long and repedative and if I am honest I just wanted it to finish. On my way out of the group and back to my bed space the girl who was being aggressive the other day ran towards me and started hugging me and telling me she loved me. I didnt say anything but I was like dont touch me. I didnt want her so close to me. I told dr. barry about it today and she said that really that girl is very fond of me, which I already know. Dr. Barry said she always asks her about me, and she has to tell her she cant discuss other patients. I know she means well and she just isnt very well herself. This afternoon I saw dr. barry. We talked mostly about the support I would need to stay living on my own. I’ve defcided I dont want to go into a high support hostel. If I did it would mean giving up nitro, my home, my life which if I do say so myself is quite a good life. I dont know who I’d be moving in with. I dont know what the other residents would be like and I may not like it in there. So I asked dr. barry if she could talk with Karen the social worker. And maybe I could get a package where I’d have a lot of extra PA hours. She agreed to do that. She said as a mom herself she wouldnt want her child moving into a high suppport hostel either. She said that to me because I told her my mom wasnt too pleased with the fact that i was thinking of moving into the high support hostel. She kept saying it was a bad idea and emphasising that I wouldnt like it. the real decider for me though was having to give up Nitro. I just dont want to do that. So I will do all I can to stay at home and keep my independence. If I get more PA hours then they might manage my meds and stuff so I dont have to. It will also mean not relying on my mom and dad so much which I want as well. We also talked today about school. I’m seriously thinking of quitting. I am just finding it too stressful. I feel like I am not stable enough to keep going to school right now. I’m still thinking about it but my thought is to quit. We also briefly discussed last fridays conversation around attachment issues. That was hard but I felt like it was necessary. Dr. Barry said she was thinking after 2 and a half years of weekly appointments something needs to happen to move our theraputic relationship on. Otherwise she is fostering a dependence and she doesnt want that. She said that she wont reduce sessions yet, that we need to have a lot more conversations about it first. I’m glad about that. We’ll meet again on thursday. Overall though it was a good session. I had some PRN today at about 4:30. I was anxious and my emotions were all over the place so my nurse decided to give me some PRN. I talked to my nurse twice today. She was really understanding and I felt like she really got how things were for me. I didnt eat much today, i ate some toast and an egg for breakfast, a yogurt and a banana at dinner time, and some brown soda bread with cheese and a yogurt at supper time. At least i am still eating though which is good. My blood sugar wont drop then.
This morning I had a very nice exchange with another patient. Actually with two patients. The first patient was in my room, and very helpfully walked me down to breakfast. Granted a nurse asked her to do it but she could have refused and she didnt. Instead she helped me which was really nice of her and I appreciated the help.
The second girl was very helpful when it came to me eating and drinking. She poured me some tea, and made me some toast, and got me some orange juice so that I could take my meds.
Its wonderful that patients on the ward are so helpful and so aware of my disability despite what is going on for them. The nurses are so busy and arent always able to help me. I am thankful for the kindness of the other patients.
i be skard of nite time the dark is scary i not like it i want to go home to my bedroom wher all my stuffies are i want to not be in hosptal i hate it here i dont like the noise of other peple shouting and the tv is too loud and i dont lik takin tablets and i not seen and i want to come out but i am too fraid and i want talk to dr. barry but i dont want talk in front of the rest of the team i jus want talk to her by herself i want tell her how skard i am and that i don feel safe
i woke up and now i’m up and there is no sign of me going back to sleep. not sure what woke me but once i am up thats it.
the thoughts of self harm and suicide are back again. they are always worse by night. i talked to staff earlier about them. the nurse i talked to didnt really get it. she told me to just distract from the thoughts. she didnt get how distressed i was. she gave me a xanax and told me to rest and that she’d check on me during the night.
all very well but how do you rest when your brain wont switch off?
Ice cold and numb to the bone
Trying to survive this all alone
Flashes of fright before my eyes
Cant get away from the bad guys
Seizing me in my dreams at night
I am unable even then to take flight
My response always seems the same
Inflicting pain, accepting the shame
I cant believe that I had no control then
I place my thoughts on the should have been
Why did I not once fight back, i wonder
Anger inside like rolling thunder
For all that happened I must blame me
Fault is placed on who its got to be
They are innocent and should be loved
Loyalty puts all above
Doesnt matter what they did
Doesnt matter I was just a kid
Its only right I give them all
Including my life, as to my knees I fall
I remain led by the fires light
As to my soul they hold tight
I give to them what they do not deserve
And for myself leave nothing in reserve
Jaylyn age 13
i talked to our therapist eileen on sunday night. i was flooded with emotion and really feeling like i needed her, she asked me who is that? who needs me? its a young part. your very triggered. and i was.
I couldnt get out of that triggered space. it took all i had to just stay present to talk to her. she told me that i needed to ask the very young part not to flood me, that if she doesnt flood me then i could help her. but first she needs to step back, and let me help.
so i asked her. and at first i dont think she heard me. but then slowly things started to calm down. and she cried. and i cried. we were both crying together. it was very intense and emotional.
eileen sat with us through it all. sat and listened and was very supportive. she kept saying this will pass. and i just listened and timidly said, i hope so.