30 day blog challenge day six

what band or musician is most important to you?

As a system we like all sorts of music. It really depends on who you ask as to what answer you will get on our favourite band or musicians. But some of them are

Maroon five
Nikki minaj
Blue october
Linkin park


darkness falls
and the nightmares call
they threaten to engulf her
fear grips her
she winces in pain
as her stomach churns
and knots up tight
she is afraid…
afraid of the dark
the past…
the future…
every night is the same
there is no reprieve
try as she might
she can barely hold on
but as the sun comes up
another day is born
and for a while at least
she can forget the night and all that it brings


I’m having some trouble with sleeping too much. I’m not sure why. It could be my meds. It could be just that I need the rest. I felt triggered yesterday. Sometimes when I am triggered all I can do is sleep it off. Sleep until I feel in a better place. Either way its annoying. I did get up today and spend four hours with my PA. Did my grocery shopping and got dog food, ate breakfast and lunch. But once she left at 1 I went to bed and I slept. Only waking once to feed Nitro. I only finally got up after 6 PM and ate something. I know I should try to stay up and go to bed at normal hours. But my body tells me I need sleep so I go to sleep instead. Wondering if thats bad? Does anyone else sleep a lot when feeling triggered or in a vulnerable space? I cant win. For me its either sleep too much or not at all. There is no balance.

Just a boring old Friday

i didnt sleep very well last night. thats always a worry. when i dont sleep for a couple nights i tend to get worse mental health wise. i tried to nap earlier today without much success. i had stayed at mom and dads last night. mom was babysitting my sisters little boy this morning. so napping was pretty much out of the question. i did try as i said but couldnt fall asleep and ended up watching tv on my phone. i’m pretty anxious today. something is being triggered for me not sure what though its still very unclear. i just have anxiety and feel pretty emotional. i was supposed to go out to the basement club this morning but at the last minute i changed my plans. i decided i’d be better off staying put since my sleep was off. at least this weekend i am staying home and i only have to go out tomorrow morning with my pa. mom said she’ll have my sister drop my dinner to me on sunday so that will be nice and means i can lay around all day if i choose to do that. tomorrow i need to go get dog food and go grocery shopping. i’ve been trying to eat more healthily again. it isnt going very well. part of me doesnt care but the part of me that struggles with food issues emily is freaking out. emily is 12 and counts calories is a health nut and wants to diet and not eat or throw up. so far we havent but its come close a few times. she cant stand that we’re so fat. of course while we were in hospital we ate nothing but junk food because the hospital food was so disgusting. part of it is comfort eating too i think. its hard when some parts want icecream and chips and candy and soda all the time. its not easy to say no. maybe we need to do some more work around that in therapy. there seems to be so much to work on in therapy. we will get there, slowly but surely.

surprise dr. barry appointment and our therapy session

this morning i rang dr. barrys secretary. i decided to be proactive and ring to find out when I’d be able to get an appointment. If I waited for them to call me it could be a while. So I took the lead.

She told me that dr. barry wasnt in yet but when she came in she’d pass on my message and call me back with a date. I thought it wouldnt be probably until next week at the earliest that I’d see her. I prepared to go to the basement club and thought no more about it.

Then she called me back. dr. barry wanted me to come in at 11:30 today. what a surprise. i certainly wasnt expecting her to fit me in so soon. i said i could come and then i started panicking. what if she was freaked out? what if she was mad that I’d left on Monday without first seeing her?

when I got there at 11:30 I had a bit of a wait. the waiting room was packed. eventually at 1 I got in to see her. i thanked her for fitting me in so soon and she said that wasnt a problem. i asked her if sehe was freaked out that i’d left on Monday so hastily. she said no. she said she knew me well enough to know that if I couldnt have coped I would have waited, and I wouldnt have left when I did. She said she trusted me and trusted my judgement on what I thought was best for me and for our system. What a relief. How nice that she trusts us to know our onw limits.

We talked about the experience of hospitalisation and all that happened this time while I was in there. She said its problematic and they are working on trying to effectively manage the ward and all its problems. She said when you have so many people in a ward with such varying issues it can quickly become a problem. I agreed.

We talked about sleep and how we’ve been since we got home. I said we’d felt surprisingly safe since we were at home and the symptoms of anxiety and flashbacks seemed to have lessened somewhat. It wasnt a long appointment because I had to be at therapy for two PM. I will see her again next Wednesday.

I went straight from that appointment to therapy. Therapy was productive. We talked about object constancy and how the young parts of our system cant seem to hold it when Eileen disappears for any length of time. They get freaked out and think she’s never coming back. They panick and are so vulnerable. Logically I the adult part know she will be back. But they dont see it like that. They want her and they want her now. Available to them all of the time.

We talked about sleep hygiene. Eileen said I should take my tv out of my bedroom. She told me the magnetic field can cause problems to your nervous system. I said I’d think about it but I like my tv in my room. We talked about the fact that I am doing small things to lessen the dissociation, making a few changes, like putting reminders in my phone to take meds, lock up the house at night etc.

We didnt get into very deep issues today. Eileen said we shouldnt because we needed to get back on our feet and back to some semblance of normality since we were just out of hospital. I chickened out and never asked her for a second session like I was going to. I wanted to but then I just didnt. I can manage without it.

Tuesday update I went to the basement club and it felt so good

so as you all know i came home ama from the hospital on monday. i had made up my mind i’d go to the basement club on tuesday so that i could connect with people and i’d have some company and wouldnt feel alone. for those who arent aware the basement club is a resource centre a sorta drop in centre for people with mental health issues thats in my local area. they are a very good resource and have been a life saver for us. we went yesterday morning and had so much catching up to do with everyone. but we fitted right back in even though it was a couple of months since we’d been there what with college and all. we spent some time talking to our mentor C. she asked if we’d like to do mentoring on a weekly basis for the forseeable future and we said yes to that as the extra support will be nice. we talked about resourcing some fun things to do in our local community, meeting some sighted people by doing activities out in the community. most of our friends right now either have a mental illness or are blind and we dont know a lot of sighted people and we feel we are missing out on so much by not interacting with other fully sighted people. so next week we are going to look up some things and i have to figure out this week what kinda things i am interested in doing. i think i’d like to try yoga but that will be an individual thing as i feel i would benefit more from individual sessions with an instructor rather than a group class in yoga. there is also a group called next step close to where i live. this group is especially for mental health service users and they do creative activities like art, singing, knitting and crochet etc. i think i might like to try the singing class too. also the organisation which runs the basement club runs a friends group on a tuesday evening which is a sorta sharing group like a kinda peer support group that I am interested in and anyone can join so i think i may join that group too. these i know arent related to sighted people but mental health but the people will be sighted it is just they have mental health illness issues. c was telling me there is a social club that meets for coffee and to go to the movies and she thought i may like to try that. i would. as for college i am on an extended break. i’ve said possibly i may go back in april but the truth is i am not sure what i’ll do. i really am in two minds whether i want to expose myself again to that stress as i really dont seem to do well with the stress and find it hard to reach out to ask for support from the staff. i know that is something i need to work on though is the asking for support when i need it. i plan too on attending some of the new groups at the basement club which are starting soon. there is a creative writing group, a mosaics group, a healthy lifestyles group, a games afternoon, finding our way in recovery etc. all look good and i think i will get a lot out of them. i see eileen today at 1:30 which i cant wait because there is so much stuff to process.

I left the hospital AMA

so i am home from hospital. i left AMA. i couldnt take another second of being in there. basically it was a combo of things. there had been some major incidents as you all know since i’ve gone inpatient. one being that a patient hit me. another being i was offered weed from another patient. and then the final straw came over the weekend. both saturday and sunday nights were horrendous. a patient tried to commit suicide on the ward on saturday night by trying to hang herself in the bathroom using a pair of earphones. obviously she didnt succeed because another patient heard her and rushed for help. of course a doctor was called and she was placed on a section 23 which basically means she was detained until a consultant could deam her safe the next day. that happened, but then she kicked off again on sunday night. screaming and shouting at the nurses. she got into a right state. eventually the nurses grabbed her and told everyone who was in her room to go to our room while they sorted it. they dragged her to her room and held her down and injected her. it was terrible for all of us to witness that. i was so traumatised because it brought back flashbacks of when that happened to us a couple years ago when liz was acting up and got out of hand. and it was also frightening to hear the screams as they pinned her down to inject her. once she was sleeping they got on to the secure unit and some nurses came down to our ward and transported her there. but the whole thing was just so traumatic. i already had so much going on with my own stuff, i really didnt need any of this. it was the last straw and i made up my mind that today I was gonna ask to see my own team and ask to be discharged. i didnt sleep a wink last night. i stayed awake online all night. then my mom visited today and i talked to her and i asked her opinion on what she thought i should do. she said it was up to me. so i decided to talk to my key nurse. and i did. and i told her how i felt. and i asked to see one of my team, but they are in outpatient clinic all day today so nobody was available. the nurse said she’d call the duty doctor and he’d have a word with me. he did, and he deamed me safe enough to leave, but he said he’d like to ring doctor barry to have a chat to her. dr barry understood but said she’d really prefer if i waited till tomorrow and waited to be seen by her but if i really wanted to go then i could. so i did. i dont have an apt to see dr barry yet for next week but she told the duty doctor that they’ll call me with one during the week. i felt such relief when i got out of there. like a huge weight had been lifted from me. it was just so stressful most of the time that I was in there. i know i was safe for some of the time but i should have been able to feel safe all of the time. i didnt. i know dr. barry will understand when i talk to her and tell her my feelings surrounding all of the incidents that occurred. it feel good to be home. nitro was so excited to see me and I was excited to hug him and kiss his soft fur. tomorrow i am going to go to the basement club for the day just so that i have company and am around people. its bad that i dont have a discharge plan and i know thats not ideal but i had to do what i had to do. i just couldnt have faced spending another night in there.