Mom and my sister have gone camping for the weekend. I didnt go. Camping isnt really my thing. I dont think I’d enjoy it. I think I’d be too nervous about insects, and about eating outside and sleeping outside.
But they’ve gone, and I hope they’ll have fun. The weather doesnt look too good though. Its supposed to rain tomorrow and sunday, all day and evening. They’ve gone to a campsite with some of my sisters partners family.
So its just me and my dad for the weekend. I just got here an hour ago. We’ve eaten, and now I’m just doing my own thing, relaxing in the bedroom while dad watches tv.He’s in a pretty good mood which is good. He’s easier to get along with when he’s not being whiny or a control freak.
Today is the summer solstice, one of the worst days for us. Its because of SRA, for those who don’t know we are survivors of a cult, and survivors of ritualistic abuse, and the cult used the solstice as a time to abuse us, it was a major cult holiday.
We’ve been feeling off all evening. I ate to try to cope with how I was feeling. I got take away food, something I haven’t done since Christmas, I’m sorry I did that now. But I just wanted to purge the feelings, stuff them down. I didn’t want to have to feel them.
I haven’t slept great tonight. At least Anna got to have a phone check in with Eileen though. She texted Eileen yesterday because she was still feeling upset after receiving an unwanted email the night before, and even though wendy deleted it, she still felt bad. Eileen offered to have a phone check in with her, so we did last night. That felt good, reassuring, calming.
Eileen always knows how to make us feel safe.
She knows just what to say to be reassuring!
I just need to get through today in one piece!
I dont think I’m going to go into work. I don’t feel up to it. I just think I will go to my parents after my pa leaves this morning.
I need to try to take things easy today. Try to relax, and do some self care.
I had an amazing apt with dr. barry yesterday. I got there and I was expecting to be waiting about an hour to see her. but within 5 mins of getting there she came out to get me. She said she’s reorganised the clinic, so that people have not got a long wait time, she said she doesnt know how long she can make it work, but for now its working so that is good.
We went in to her office and I told her how depressed I’ve been. We talked about my mood and about this week being the summer solstace. I told her Eileen had offered to check in with us as much as we need to this week as she knows we’ve been struggling so much. Dr. Barry said that was a good thing.
She decided to put me on haldol longterm. 5 MG at night. She said she’d also increase my prazosin, I am on 3 MG at the moment, she said she needs to do some more reading up on it before we increase it, so for now I am to stay on 3 MG for another month. She thinks the prazosin will help my ptsd longterm, it has been helpful, so I am hoping it will lessen my nightmares.
We’re also going to increase my prozac next month from 20 MG to 40 MG.
Basically the majority of our conversation was about meds. I did tell her that I wouldnt be taking up the employment initiative that the national council for the blind was doing, I said I had a change of heart about it since there was no guarantee of a work placement at the end of it. This means that I can now see her again in the mornings, which is going to be better as usually by the late afternoon I’m exhausted.
We scheduled another apt for two weeks time. I really hope putting me on haldol is going to be helpful. I’m already on one antipsychotic, trevicta, which is a 3 monthly shot, so adding another one was risky, but she said since I’ve been on it before she was ok with prescribing it for me.
She gave me an emergency prescription and its being delivered to me tomorrow so I can take the meds over the weekend and see how I go with being on them.
Wish me luck!
So we were going to stay home today, but then we decided that we’d go to the basement club for a few hours. Our friend Norma is picking us up this morning at 10. We’ll go spend about 3 hours at the basement club, then come back to normas house for a few hours. I think it will be good for us to get out and about. Plus now that our college work is done, we dont have to worry about that. So it will be good for our depression to go spend time with other people. I am feeling pretty good right now. Its a nice day out too which is cool. The sun is shining. Always makes me feel more positive when the sun shines. I didnt sleep much but I have had my coffee this morning so the tired feelings have gone away for now at least. Looking forward to hanging out with my friend after spending time at the basement club also. It will be nice to catch up with her.
My names Anna. Im 13.
Im so scared! I feel so out of it!
I wrote our therapist Eileen. I emailed her.
I told her I am nervous to write, I dont wanna bother her!
I feel so scared though!
A horrible person from our past contacted us and threatened me!
And I am so nervous maybe I should just respond to them. It would probably not be good, but maybe they’d go away then?
Willow and Wendy said no! They said not to do it!
So I wrote Eileen and I told her what happened and then I made some tea.
I hope I can go back to sleep but I dont know if I can!
Just feel out of sorts!
Anna who is 13
Life isn’t about building walls and hiding behind them. It’s about breaking them down and expanding beyond them!
What I see in the clouds
Rain and stormy skies. That is what I see in the clouds tonight. My dreams are stormy. My mind whirs. It spins. I look to the clouds and immediately I fear a storm is brewing.
I hope I can contain it. I hope my clouds will turn sunny soon. I like the sun. I like fluffy clouds, a fluffy cloud feels safe. Its safe to say I am a child at heart. I havent lost that childlike wonder, that a fluffy white cloud can bring. I want to sit on that cloud and dream.