ok guys. i am going to write about my disfunctional family, and my childhood, and my experiences of neglect and abuse in my family growing up, that is, before I reached age 5 and before i ever got to the bording school.
I’ve never discussed these on here before. the posts will all be passworded.
if you’d like to read then please let me know below. and I will email the password to you.
this is not a private blog, but it means that these posts will have a password that you will need to enter to read the content of them.
I appreciate anyone who would like to read them! it means a lot to me that your wanting to follow my journey.
just be kind, when commenting, thats all I do need to say.
I CANT GET OVER WHAT MY DAD SAID THE OTHER EVENING. HOW WE ARE NEVER HAPPY. IT HAS REALLY STUCK WITH ME. DOES HE REALLY THINK THAT? OR IS HE PROJECTING HIS OWN UNHAPPINESS ON TO US? I DONT KNOW BUT IT HURTS. IT STINGS. IT MAKES ME FEEL LIKE SUCH A FAILURE. ALL I’VE EVER WANTED TO DO IS TO PLEASE OUR PARENTS. SOMETIMES TO THE DETROMENT OF MY OWN SELF AND SANITY. I DONT WANT TO DISAPPOINT THEM AND WHILE I DONT ACTUALLY REALLY GET ALONG WITH MY DAD MOST OF TH E TIME, I STILL LOVE HIM. I STILL CARE ABOUT HIM. I HAVE SO MANY MIXED UP FEELINGS. AND TO THINK HE THINKS OF ME AS NEVER HAPPY? I DO TRY SO HARD. I TRY TO BE HAPPY AND FOR THE MOST PART I AM. I MEAN I HAVE MY BAD DAYS. I HAVE MY UPS AND DOWNS, AND EMOTIONAL OVERLOADS AND OVERWHELM. BUT GENERALLY IM HAPPY. WE ALL IN OUR SYSTEM ARE. WE’RE HAPPY WITH OUR LIFE AND HOW IT IS NOW. IT WASNT ALWAYS SO..BUT RIGHT NOW IT IS. RIGHT NOW WE ARE FEELING CONTENT. I GUESS I AM WRITING THIS JUST BECAUSE I AM STRUGGLING WITH HIS PROJECTION OF HIS FEELINGS ABOUT US ONTO US. IT FEELS LIKE HE DOESNT LOVE US. IT FEELS LIKE HE’S ALWAYS SO CRITICAL OF US, HIS DAUGHTER. IT HURTS. IT REALLY REALLY HURTS. AND TONIGHT I DONT WANT TO FEEL THE HURT. I WISH IT WASNT THERE. I FEEL SO INSIGNIFICANT. I FEEL DEPRESSED AND VERY LOW. I HAVE AN ACHE IN MY HEART. AN ACHE THAT IS TARING ME APART.
so a couple of days ago my sister and me were in the car with dad. we were driving to my parents house. all of a sudden my dad said, i dont drink a lot. if i drink by day, then i dont drink at night. me and laura just sat there with our mouths open. because that is so far from the truth. if he goes out to a pub by day for 3 pints, then the same night he’ll drink cans of beer at home. it was like he was telling us this, and he really believed what he was saying. i said nothing, but i wanted to. laura said something to pacify him. that sorta denial and hiding things drives me crazy. he is an alcoholic, thre is no getting away from that fact. no he doesnt drink half as much as he did a couple years ago. but he’s still a bad alcoholic. so why is he trying to convince us he isnt? why, when we are adults now, and we know the truth? he’s just lying to himself, and believing his own lies. how sad is that?