i have therapy tomorrow. i’m nervous. i shouldnt be, but i am. i cant help it. there is some tough stuff that i need to discuss. mainly it is about the rape we went through last easter. the rape that ended us up in the hospital, in the psych ward for our birthday and easter and the trauma we went through after it, examinations, reporting to the police, etc. talking with dr barry today about the report she did up for the investigation has led to me being seriously triggered tonight. earlier i could not find words to say how i felt. i emailed eileen and just said i am having real trouble finding my voice. i know she will understand what i mean. but then later i did manage to write again to her and talk a little bit about what caused me to shut down and about how i felt. i know we need to go deeper with it though in therapy. discuss it more than we have which isnt very much at all. i dont know why i’m so scared. i trust eileen. i feel safe with her. i know she’ll understand. and empathise and be compassionate. so why am i so hesitant, scared, afraid to let it out? its baffling to me. but i really do need to try. and i will i guess. the thing is my memory surrounding that time is foggy sometimes, but then during flashbacks it isnt. more weirdness. i wish things werent so complicated and were more clear and i wish too that i was just able to feel my damn feelings and not this roller coaster of emotions and then nothing for a long time and then back to full on freak out mode again. its really throwing me for a loop. i hope tomorrow goes well. if i am brave enough i’ll bring it up that is if there is time. other insiders want time so i am not sure what will come out of that or if i will have much time during the session. i suppose i could always flag it at the beginning, say i need some of the session time. and i may just do that too.
dr barry came back from vacation. we saw her today. i was so happy to be seeing her.
we talked about my awful experience with the doctor last week. she said she had an idea that i hadnt had the greatest experience. Karen her team leader had told her because when karen rang me last thursday I’d complained to her and vented my frustrations. so she gave dr barry some warning that I might bring that up today. and I did.
dr barry said she was sorry that i’d had such a terrible experience. she said she didnt know there had been a crisis, that zuliana had been inundated with requests from patients to see her and so she hadnt been able to see me, not because she didnt want to, but because she was with someone else when I got there and dr Walsh just took my file and decided he’d see me instead. not what he told me but what can you do. i just had to go on what he said.
anyway dr barry said she was surprised he’d been so curious about my blindness. she said maybe he was trying to build a rapore with me by asking me about it. that he had nothing else to go on so decided that i wouldnt mind talking about it. and i didnt, but the amount of questions he asked about it was excessive to say the least.
then she blew me away. she said his speciality was in trauma. that in his private practice he treats trauma patients. and he probably even has some people who have did but he probably doesnt have people like me, who are polyfragmented. but he treats trauma! he should have known more about did than he did! i cant be the only did person in ireland, although thats entirely possible I suppose.
she kinda defended him but she said she felt she had to. he was just covering for her and He’d come into a busy sector, and its public system patients, so the doctors who work in the public mental health system are even busier than those who are in private practice.
but the main thing is i got to say how i felt. put my point across. and she listened, and heard me and validated me and thats enough. she said its too bad we didnt click as he may be covering again for her in the future, although she laughed and said with how busy the week was for him he might think twice about it, being that a lot came up that wasnt expected to come up.
we talked some about halloween and my week. i told her we’d put a safety contract in place. she thought that was good. i told her i’d passed my exam and she congratulated me on that. then she said she’d been thinking about my case and she needed to say something to me. i kinda froze wondering what it could be. but all she said was that she still had the police report on her computer, the one we were meant to submit over a year ago. she said we really have to take a look at it, or she might be brought up by the police for hindering an investigation or refusing to comply with their request. so i told her to bring it next week and we could look at it. she said she’d try to remember it but if we didnt do it next week we’d look at it before xmas and get it submitted before then.
Overall though the appointment was good and I got a lot out of it.
You are bad.
You are worthless
You are weak
You are no good
You are incapable
You are pathetic
You are a burden to those in your life
You are a failure
You are dumb
You are nothing
you need to die
Says that little voice, negative voice inside me. When will it end? I hate being triggered and I hate the night time too. I feel so alone and I wish I had some company.
My midterm is over. Its back to reality. I’m so thrilled. I loved having the time off, but having the routine of going to school every morning is great too. It is familiar and familiar is good. I will be busy this week as I have an assignment due next Monday and I also have an exam next Friday as well. So a busy couple of weeks ahead. The next exam will be tougher than the first one. Its a word exam but it involves things like mail merge, tables, inserting graphics, etc. Some of which wont be accessible with jaws I’m sure. But I will try my best and thats all I can do. I’m just glad that the triggering weekend has passed and I got through it ok. I stayed with mom and dad for two nights so I’d be safe. I emailed my therapist last night to let her know I was ok and safe.
todays been ok so far. no thoughts of harming and no contact from past abusers. i think we’re pretty safe now as we went to mom and dads for the remainder of the weekend. my pa came this morning. we cleaned my house and then went to get dog food and to the bank because i had to get money out for the week. we also went to the grocery store and mcdonalds for lunch. last night my friend came over and we had chinese food and that was nice. i was so tired though that i could barely keep my eyes open. once she left i went straight to bed. i turned on my tv and was watching a couple things but fell asleep with the tv on. was so glad not to have any nightmares or flashbacks last night. did not wake until my pa rang the doorbell this morning. my sister just came over with the kids. they are going trick or treating and then they are heading to a halloween party that my sisters partners sister is throwing. i’m not sure but i think my aunt is coming to our moms tonight and her mom and i are going to have some drinks. right now i’m feeling pretty good. my mood is ok and i feel relatively stable. i just need to keep myself distracted i think. i hope everyone else is having an ok halloween and that your doing well.
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