thinking bout having a mom, and adoption

this is alicia. i am 9 years old. tonight i’ve been thinking. about having a mom, and about adoption.
it makes me so very sad that i cant be adopted by dr barry or eileen. its really all i want. they are both so nice and if i could choose a mom i would want one of them as my mom. i’m so jealous of their kids.
then i feel bad for being jealous and whining and always asking them if they can adopt me when they’ve already said no! the answer never changes! but i wish it would!
my bio mom only talks to carol anne because she thinks carol anne is our host, shirley. carol anne is 19 so can act like a 35 year old and so our bio mom doesnt actually have to know its her at all. our bio mom isnt very accepting of the did stuff even though Dr. barry told her about it and explained it to her in simple terms.
i so wish our mom was different, and liked me, knew me, accepted me, got it about the did. it hurts my heart that i dont really have a mom and i never will. its so hard to be a kid when you dont have a mom.
dr. barry and eileen get it and that is why i want them as my mom. i would never have to worry then cuz i’d always be taken care of.

Christmas jokes for the little insiders

Q. What do you get if you cross mistletoe and a duck?
A. A Christmas Quacker.

Q. What do call Santa when he stops moving?
A. Santa Pause!

Q. Where does a snowman keep his money?
A. In a snow bank.

Q. Why do mummies like Christmas so much?
A. Because of all the wrapping!

Q. What goes in a chimney red and comes out of it black?
A. Santa Claus.

Q. What’s white and red and goes up and down and up and down?
A. Santa Claus in an elevator!

Q. How do you scare a snowman?
A. You get a hairdryer!

Q. What do they sing under the ocean during the winter?
A. Christmas Corals!

Q. How much did Santa pay for his sleigh?
A. Nothing, it was on the house!

Q. What is invisible and smells like milk and cookies?
A. Santa’s burps!

Q. What do snowmen do on Christmas?
A. Play with the snow angels.

Q. Who says “Oh, Oh, Oh!”?
A. Santa walking backwards!

Q. What nationality is Santa Claus?
A. North Polish.

Q. How did the sheep say Merry Christmas?
A. “Fleece Avoided.”

Q. What do you call a Santa that sleeps all the time?
A. Santa snores!

Q. Why was Santa’s helper depressed?
A. He had low ELF-esteem.

Q. What’s a good holiday tip?
A. Never catch snowflakes with your tongue until all the birds have gone
south for the winter.

Q. What Christmas carol is a favorite of parents?
A. Silent Night.

Q. What do you call a snowman in the summer?
A. A puddle!

Q. What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Why does Santa have three gardens ?
A. So he can go HOE HOE HOE.

Q. Why did Sponge Bob have a great Christmas?
A. Because he kissed a Krabby Patty.

Q. What does Santa clean his sleigh with?
A. Comet.

Q. What do you get when you deep fry Santa Claus?
A. Crisp Kringle.

Q. What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?
A. Frostbite.

Meeting today with the college psychologist and our OT mark

Today I met with fiona and mark. It was a really productive meeting that lasted about an hour. Fiona asked me about my needs, and I told her how much I was struggling lately with intense ptsd symptoms. She asked me if she should talk to the staff, and I said I thought it might help. I told her how I had a hard time asking for support from staff. One example was the other day the fire drill went off, that triggered us to no end. I told her how that I felt the staff could have handled things better, they could have guided me out of the building for example, since Nitro didnt know the way and I had nobody else to rely on to get me safely out of the building. She said the staff probably werent even thinking about that. She said she’d tell them to check in more with me if they see that I am struggling. I suppose sometimes they dont really know…its not always apparent. She said she’d also talk to Eileen if I felt that would help. I said it might, but that I wanted to ask Eileen her thoughts on that first. So she said I could get back to her on that. She said my IAP is in January, an IAP stands for an individual action plan. We have one every 3 months to set goals and things. This will be my first one since I started last september. We talked a little about it and she told me how it would go, who’d be there and stuff like that. It will be me, fiona, one of my instructors and the manager of the college. She said Mark can be there if I want him to be which I do. I think his support has been invaluable to me. He’s been there every step of the way since I started. Mostly our discussion was around triggers, and training needs and she is going to feed back all that to the rest of the team. We set another date for early January. At that meeting we’re going to talk more about the IAP and trash things out surrounding that. I like that we get to meet monthly, it really helps and its nice to be able to feed back things to her and then she’ll feed them back to the rest of the staff so that I dont have to.

I’m having Trouble with two people online and I need feedback

So I had two members on my did email list who are causing major trouble for me now online. Basically these two live together they are partners, both of them have did.
Well one of their alters was causing discomfort on the did list to other list members, being inappropriate and initiating physical contact without asking first and it made some people feel unsafe. So I removed them both a few days ago. I private emailed them about their removal but they said I didnt, but I certainly did.
Well just a few minutes ago I recieved two very threatening emails from both of them. Copies of which I will put below.
Ok here is what steves alter wrote to me.
This is Caiden you are dealing with now, not angel. You, by doing what
you have done, have hurt the children in both Steve’s and London’s
systems. You owe both of them an apology and an automatic renewal for
both lists. Otherwise, I expose your unfair treatment of those with
systems across the Internet. there are already those who believe your
system is not real. what if I were to begin doing research into whether
or not they are correct on that score?

You are guilty of emotionally scarring i do not even know how many
children now. And if Steve’s and London’s systems are damaged in any
way thanks to this, I will hold you responsible, and mayhap even take
legal action against you. add them back to the list, unless you wish to
have some enormously complicated legal problems on your hands.
end of his email
What do you think of that? It is stressing me out. I have kept it and will report him to the police if I have to or to their ISP or to my mental health team if needs be.
Londons alters email follows
This is lusion, and Mallory.

You’re dealing with a very angry Aussie who is very protective, and a
very angry, cold woman as well.
You have hurt Steve and London’s systems greatly by doing this. Some of
the children in here are afraid to talk to anyone now.
You have broken their trust with just about any adult they come into
contact with for the first time, now. I hope you’re bloody happy.
We watched some of your videos, yes we did. How would certain alters be
able to make videos and you know about it? Also, some of them sound
exactly the same. our voices are all different: different accents, word
delivery, speed of speech, everything. We have had this confirmed on the
outside as well as London has asked Steve how some of us sounded to him.
So, how do you answer that?
You will readd London and steve back to the lists, or we will expose
your supposed system to all systems we now online. ones you may not know.
Mate, it’s Mallory, what you did was not very nice! You hurt the lot of
us, and you are proving yourself to be a fair weather friend. good when
it’s good for ya to be, and run away when it isn’t.
I do not like people like you. London and Steve are very hurt as well as
the hosts. They felt included. they felt wanted, needed. They no longer
feel that way now. Several people on the list said, oh we will always be
here. Be here my ass.
They did what they could to offer support, and you just turn them away.
You’re just like bloody hospitals. They turn you away when they don’t
know what to do with you. London feels like she isn’t even good enough
for others with systems themselves.
Those people who unsubscribed did a good thing. They saved themselves
hurt later.
why did you not approach them privately mte? Why did you just
automatically remove them without a fair say? That is not being fair.
but i guess you are not about fairness, are you.
Also, the way you reacted to a child’s posting? Very cold, very
inconsiderate and certainly not in a way someone who supposedly has a
system with littles inside should know how to react
Mallory and lusion
end of email
Again more of the same. And saying we are not real and they will expose us and stuff. What bullshit. I dont want to have to deal with this shit. It irks me and pisses me off. I am a little bit freaked out to say the least. What would you do in this instance? Should I be worried? Would you be if it was you in my position? I’m trying to look at it from their side too that they have their own issues going on and are unstable and stuff but god its so hard!
Please your feedback on this issue is welcome.

Therapy, anniversary date

Yesterday in therapy we spent the majority of the session talking about an upcoming anniversary date. It is the anniversary of when we disclosed the abuse, which this year is going to be 21 years ago. When we were 14. It happened close to christmas time. At the time our art teacher noticed that something was very wrong, and she pressed us about it. We denied it at first because we knew that if we ever breathed a word about the things that were happening we’d be in a lot of trouble, our abuser had told us he’d kill us, and our family if we ever told. But she kept pressing us until finally she got us to admit to being abused, even though we only told her sketchy details about it. She reported it to the nun in charge and we thought it was over. We thought we’d be saved. We thought there would be an end to it all. Unfortunately not. Nothing happened, well ok, something did happen, they got our mom to come to the school and take us home for a week. During that week they asked our abuser if he’d done anything, he denied it, and that was the end of the matter. We were not believed. Of course all the staff or the majority of them and the nuns were involved too, so why would anyone believe us? They only wanted to uphold the schools reputation, they didnt care how much hurt we’d gone through and who perpetrated it. So that was the gist of our therapy session yesterday, we spent a lot of time talking about all that. At first I had a very hard time opening up to eileen, I felt stuck, she had to keep encouraging me to talk to her. Eventually I was able to and once I started I couldnt stop. Its weird to me how that sometimes I find it so hard to open up to her. I really trust her and have known her for 3 years so I’m pretty sure I know how she’ll react to things by now. Yesterday it was like I didnt want to admit things to myself, let alone to her. We didnt work with Jasmine this week but she said we’d work with her again next week if she was willing to do that. The system is kinda in a mess right now so we had to work on trying to stabilise us before we can continue to work with Jasmine.