I really want to text my therapist. I need her so bad right now. I feel so alone. I cant text her, as its gone midnight. But I can email her which I did. The kids are scared and upset. They’ve been crying a lot tonight. They hate the dark. We dont really feel safe. we are feeling anxious and unsafe which is hard to cope with. Nitro is helping though. I just really need her right now. I wish I had her here with me. I have goten out my willow tree figures. She has some of those in her office and haivng mine out is helping me to feel connected to her. I have also gotten out my fleece throw. I wrapped up in it and that also helps me feel connected to her as she has one in her office which she wraps around us when we’re doing memory work. I hate feeling so needy. But I just cant help it. We just feel emotional. And overwhelmed.
Remember I did a presentation a few weeks ago on schizophrenia for college? Well my results are in. I got 75 percent. That’s a fantastic result. Anything over 70 is a first class honour. I am ecstatic. Thrills to bits. I cant believe I got such a great result. The feedback I got was awesome too. Not many people in the class got a very high mark, so I am so happy that I did. I must have made an impression. I know a lot of the class liked the way I presented. They all said I was good and had a good speaking voice and presented the topic clearly and simply. I’m absolutely delighted with the two grades I’ve gotten yesterday and today. That’s is two parts of my module completed now. I got a 60 on my article review and a 75 on my presentation. One more to go and I will hand that in next week, I wont have the result for a few weeks though after I hand in the journal of learning. Once I get my result the 3 parts of the module will be put together and then an overalll grade will be given. Anyway. Just so happy right now. It’s a real confidence boost.
So I’ve been thinking. You remember I said I had an opportunity to do a training course in IT and then do a work placement? Well I’ve decided not to go ahead with it. Basically if I was to go ahead with it, I stand to lose my benefits, and I just cant risk that. I need my medical card, I have to continue seeing dr. Barry, I cant lose her and if I lost my medical card I’d lose her too. That just isn’t an option for me. Plus also, the work placement was only for six weeks, and there was no guarantee of employment at the end of it. I am volunteering right now, and the staff at my volunteer job are really good to me, dropping me and picking me up, and generally being very helpful. If I was to do the training and then go into a six week employment somewhere, I might get somewhere really far away and it would cost me a small fortune to get there every day as I am not confident enough to do the route to get to where it would be. So I think this is the best option for me. I texted the person organizing it and I just said something came up and I wouldn’t be able to commit to the training. I left it at that. I’m happy with my decision. It was a nice offer, but for now I dont think it fits my needs. Maybe in the future if things change I can do something like this if its offered again. Also, my depression and mental health issues are not great at the moment, and I wouldn’t want to start into something and then not be able to complete it. And really, losing dr. Barry was the deciding factor, there was never any way that would even be a possibility for me, I am far too attached to her and I need her to function and if I didn’t have her I’d be in a far worse position than I am in right now.
TODAY IN THERAPY I GOT TO CHAT TO EILEEN AND WE TALKED ABOUT BEING PRESENT IN YOUR BODY. THATS SUPER HARD FOR US. WE DONT DO WELL WITH THAT AT ALL. SHE HAD ME WALK AROUND THE ROOM, SO I COULD GROUND MYSELF AND ORIENTATE MYSELF TO HER OFFICE. USUALLY SHE GUIDES ME BUT TODAY SHE HAD ME WALK AROUND ON MY OWN. SHE TOLD ME TO TOUCH EVERYTHING, SO I DID. THAT WAS GOOD. COMFORTING. AND IT DID HELP TO ORIENTATE ME. I FELT SAFE. COMFORTED BY ALL OF THE THINGS IN HER OFFICE. WHEN I SAT BACK DOWN WE TALKED ABOUT MY BODY AND BECOMING AWARE OF IT. EVEN THOUGH WE’RE AN ADULT NOW, WE’RE NOT CONSCIOUSLY BODY AWARE. EILEEN SAID WE’RE AFRAID TO INHABIT OUR BODY. I THINK I AGREE. WE ARE SO AFRAID OF OUR BODY. SO I STOOD UP AGAIN AND WE DID A FEW EXERCISES WHERE SHE HAD ME NOTICE THE DIFFERENT MUSCLE ROUPS THAT ARE HOLDING UP MY LEGS, ARMS ETC. THAT WAS WEIRD. I MEAN I WAS ABLE TO DO IT, BUT IT JUST FELT WEIRD SOMEHOW. IT WAS INTERESTING TO ME TO DO THIS. WE TALKED ABOUT MINDFULNESS AND SHE GAVE ME SOME HOMEWORK FOR THE WEEK. SHE TOLD ME TO TRY TO COME MORE INTO THE PRESENT, AND IF I FEEL MYSELF DISSOCIATING TO DO SOMETHING TO BRING MYSELF BACK TO THE PRESENT. EASIER SAID THAN DONE BUT I SAID I’D TRY IT. SO I WILL. IT WAS A GOOD SESSION. THAT WASNT THE WHOLE SESSION BUT IF OTHERS WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEIR PART I’LL LET THEM WRITE ABOUT IT SEPARATELY. I KINDA GOT PUSHED OUT OF THE WAY DURING THE SESSION BY TAYLOR THE LITTLE QUIRT. SHE JUST POPPED OUT ALL OF A SUDDEN AFTER WE DID THE BODYWORK. I THINK SHE FELT A LITTLE SPOOKED BY IT. I DIDNT MIND REALLY. SHE NEEDED EILEENS COMFORT JUST AS MUCH AS I DID.
im taylor and im six. I skard. I not liking nite tim. it so skary. I cant sleep. I wanna do fun things. not be skard. I not like be skard. I ben cryin. I jus so skard. I had bad dreams. no like bad dreams. they mak my tummy hurt. and know wat else? my hart hurts too. im jus so sad. need a hug, im going ask Eileen for a hugtaday. I bet shell hug me. she gives safe hugs. I like to hug her.
Bad result tonight at Wayne. I was up 1 1/2 pounds. Couldn’t believe it, was very disappointed.
Trying to figure out where I went wrong this week but can’t seem to figure out what exactly I did wrong, I know I ate a few things that I shouldn’t have like some ice cream and a little bit of chocolate but I don’t think that would’ve put on 1 1/2 pounds but you never know I suppose.
Anyway, it’s back on track for next week. Planning on doing more exercise, drinking more water, eating more fruit and veg. Plenty of speed. Hopefully next week I’ll see results on the scales and have a better week next week.
Fingers crossed. Wish me luck guys.
Got maybe 2 hours of sleep last night. I dont know how I will stay up today. I suppose I could nap later on if I need to. I dont really want to though. It will mess me up further and my schedule will be off again tonight. So I hope I can manage to stay awake enough to function today.
I still feel really off. I am having a lot of trouble with anxiety. Its really bad.
I am also having a lot of trouble with low mood. The sooner I can start my new med, prozac, the better. I have to wait until later this week to start it though. I have to ring my GP tomorrow and make sure he got dr. barrys letter.
Then I can order the prescription. I am starting at a low dose, 20 MG. I hope it is going to help things.
Right now the depression is quite bad. Thank god I have therapy tomorrow morning. I badly need it. We all do. My parts are scared and feeling so alone. We did email eileen a few times this week. Even shirley was out and emailing her. That was a surprise to all of us.
She hasnt responded, but thats not unusual. Sometimes she responds but mostly she doesnt. We’re ok with that.