the anxiety monster is rearing its ugly head again…

Anxiety! Fuck! I’m so so anxious!

I’m shaking like a leaf! I have palpitations, and my heart is pounding!

this is no fun, no fun at all!

I am seriously fed up with the massive amounts of anxiety that hits me at night. But what to do! I do everything I can to distract from it!

I wish I knew how to fix it!

I feel so out of it right now! Not sleeping at all either! Its gone midnight here now!

I just hope the anxiety monster lets up soon!

What we can learn from others, healing thought for today

There is no such thing as a perfect person or life. So don’t judge others or separate yourself from someone because they are different in your eyes. We all have something that another can learn from. Live for today, love for tomorrow and give one another a chance before giving up; you just might be surprised that you did.
Renee Scalfani

My sleep is all messed up

My sleep is so messed up. Its my own fault. I didnt get much sleep last night. I got all of 3 hours. I didnt fall asleep until after 3 AM. Woke again at 6:30, so got up then.

By 4 Pm today I was exhausted. So after mom and my sister left I went to bed. Managed to fall asleep almost right away, and slept until 9:30. Woke once at about 7 PM and let nitro out. Was too tired to stay up though so went back to bed again.

Will probably be up all night now. When I woke at 9:30 I made coffee. I’ve already had 3 cups since I woke up. I also facetimed sarah. We sure know how to talk, we were on the phone for over 2 hours. Good thing neither of us has to pay for it.

Now I’m just messing around on the computer. I did email and made more tea.

Seeing Dr. Barry tomorrow morning at 11:30. Cant wait. Its my last apt with her before christmas.

Its emily

hi its emily. i been listening to christmas music. i love it. i was playing a christmas music playlist on amazon music. I just asked alexa to play me some christmas music and lots of cool songs came on. it helped me to stay calm. i love listening to music. its so much fun.

we called our mom but she’s gone to her brothers house for the evening. we still talked to her though. then we called our dad to see if we won anything in the lottery. we didnt. we had no luck tonight on it.

i gotta tell our mom to bring some cards over tomorrow. we need to write a christmas card for eileen and one for dr. barry. our mom will help us to do it. we are gonna see both of them this week and it will be our last time seeing them before christmas. so we need to give them their cards then.

I am looking forward to that. I like to give them cards. We wont be able to write all of our names on the cards though. There are way too many of us to do that. Probably we’ll just write Carol annes name on the cards. They’ll know we all wanted to give them a card. We’ll tell them they are from us all.

I think I’m going to go make a cup of tea. It doesnt matter if we’re awake late tonight. We can sleep in tomorrow. We have no need to get up early. Anxiety will probably keep us up tonight anyway. Its pretty bad at the moment.
Butterfly hugs,
Loves you,
emily age 12

outa wack!

I’m really out of sorts!

I went to my parents, was going there tomorrow anyway, so said I’d go today instead.

I feel so irritable! Liz is close by!

I can tell because I am moody and grumpy and I know she felt that was since she woke up this morning!

I am also anxious, again! Ug sigh!

I made some tea! Tea makes everything better, as Emily always says.

I hope she’s right! I am just so over the anxiety and feeling so anxious.

Its incredibly frustrating!

If anyone has a few suggestions for me on how to feel less anxious, I’d love to hear them!

My moods dipping and I want to bring it up again!

Fears about taking meds…

I am having a lot of trouble with my meds. With taking them.

I am fearing taking them. I have a fear of gaining weight if I take them.

I know I need to talk to Dr. Barry. And I plan on doing that. I probably should have talked to her yesterday about it. I didnt, though.

I will continue to take the meds, but I have become very anxious when I have to take them. Some of my anxiety is stemming from this ongoing fear of the meds causing weight gain.

I really dont see any way around this. I need my meds. I need them in order to stay ok, and be stable.

I currently take prozac, clonadine, and trevicta, which is my 3 monthly shot. Trevicta doesnt cause weight gain at all, so that ones out. Not sure about clonadine, or prozac though.

I take depokate, and keppra for my seizures, and metphormin for my diabetes, I also sometimes take a prn of fenergan to help me sleep.

Dissociation causes me to forget to take my meds a lot. For this reason I dont always take them regularly. Dr. Barry knows this and is aware of it.

Deep down, I know I will have to take the meds, whether they cause me to gain weight or not. If I want to be well, I know I need the meds. And thats all there is to it.

I do intend on discussing this in therapy and also with dr. barry. I think I’ll feel a lot better once I do that.