If you agree with me like this post.
I am now in the psych hospital. I was admitted this morning after I saw dr. Barry. She called while I was with her to see if a bed was available and it was. I went in at lunch time. I dont know how long I will be here.
So far things are going well for us. Its been an anxious sorta day but also a quiet day on the ward.
I got all the paperwork for the admission completed. There were two student nurses helping me and they were great. One of them remembered me from my last hospitalisation.
One of the student nurses guided me to the dining room to eat and she even helped me cut my food and butter bread and pour tea. She was amazing.
As I said I feel anxious and unsettled. I’ve talked to Eileen and she told me to text her if I need too which I am happy about.
I saw the doctor on call and had a physical examination and a psych evaluation. He was a junior doctor and he’s not part of doctor Barrys team so his questions were a little bit annoying. He said he’d only been working in the hospital for the past 3 months. He’d never treated someone with did, only read about it in text books.
I’m happy though with how things are going. It looks like we’re in safe hands. And of course I have my phone and computer yay. 🙂
Hi, its Jasmine,
Yesterday I had the majority of our therapy session so I thought I’d write about it. Me and Eileen mostly talked about when I came to be. About how long I’d been with the system. And about what was gtriggering me right now and activating me. I told her I’d been with the body since our teens. But that in 2002 when we ended therapy with Attracta, how the pain was so bad and the devastation so great that the system just crashed, and I came out and said I could end the pain, because, its what I was programmed to do, is kill us when the pain gets too much. I tried that time to end it but failed. Each time I have tried to kill us I have failed. Mostly I’ve always overdosed on tablets. Eileen said I have a huge burden to carry. That being the one who always attempts to end the pain is huge and such a lonely place to be. She asked me if I didnt have to carry that what I felt I could offer the system. I had to think on that for a while but then I said because I am reflective, I think about things, I am not impulsive, I might be able to offer wisdom. Sheh said I didnt seem impulsive to her and I said no, that when I planned to kill us I always methodically planned it out. So we talked some more about that for a while. Then we talked some more about my activation and why I got so triggered. I told her that when Dr. Barry was working on the police report with Carol anne a few weeks ago it triggered me. Back in 2007 we were raped, I was part of that. And while I never made the initial police report afterwords, I did know about it and it did really effect me. So just talking about a report and what we would be putting in it sent me reeling. Eileen said its different now, that I have a choice. That Dr. Barry is just supporting us in sending in a report, but that it is our choice whether we pursue it or not. That that part is up to us now. Choice is a weird concept to me. I think because in everything in the past I didnt feel I had a choice. Eileen also asked me what I thought of going to college. Whether I was happy for Carol anne to be doing that. I said yes I was. That I thought it was a good idea because if I was at home thinking about death and suicide and other things I’d have more time on my hands to possibly do something and that would not be good. So I am glad we are in college. Eileen then asked me to make a deal with her. I hate making deals because usually I can never keep to them. But she asked me and I agreed. I was telling her that some members of our system had been hallucinating this week and that scares me, I cant deal with the psychotic stuff. She said she thought that maybe part of it was that they were afraid of me doing something to end it. So then she was like can you agree to take the suicide stuff off the table? Just for a couple weeks? Until christmas is over? I said I wasnt sure. Then she said if me and her continued to work together, would that make me feel better? I said I thought it would. So she said to me then, do you have any hope things will get better? I said a tiny glimmer maybe. So she then said ok, if you have a little bit of hope, that is all you need, now can we take the suuicide plan off the table and say we me and you will continue to work together each week? After christmas? So I agreed to it. Then she had me tell the entire system of our plans. I told them and they felt relieved. I just hope I can keep to it, it doesnt mean I wont feel suicidal, but maybe when I do I can reach out to my online friends, or blog or something. So that was our therapy session in a nut shell.
I dont want to die but I dont want to live either. I hate my mind right now. Everything feels so pointless. Feeling like I dont matter and my life isnt worth anything. After all I am just an alter, hardly anyone knows me in real life. My therapist is the only one, along with some online friends. I cant live for them, but I dont want to live for me either. There is no motivation to keep on going or trying. Ending it all seems inviting right now. Just feel so lost and alone.
My friend Sam who blogs over at
Has started a mental health recovery group on groups.io. This group is for anyone from any country who is recovering from any mental illness, it is a place to talk about resources, and treatment options, to get and recieve support and talk about recovery and your recovery process.
Please I’d appreciate it if you could all reblog this post for me.
The link to join the group is
I am helping her to moderate the group.
Please share this for me thanks guys and hope to see some of you there!
This is amazing. She is so courageous. And it was so well sad and yo just need to watch it. So brave of her to do this, and put herself out there to fight stigma.
The urge to die is strong. Cant do it as am in college. But god i just want to end it. End the pain. I dont even matter anyway. I am nothing. I am not worth it. No one would miss me. At least it feels that way. No one really knows me well, except my therapist. I just want the suffering to end, the feelings of hurt and pain to stop.