words hurt us

“i dont know why your being assessed”
“there is nothing wrong with you”
“your wasting peoples time and money”
“you are not sikck”
“you must love going to doctors”

all spoken by our dad. words hurt. my heart is empty and heavy. the grief is weighing heavily on my heart tonight.

i wanted mom to go to our assessment on friday. i wanted it so bad. i wanted her to go to support us.

but she said no. a firm no.

“why would i go”

“your being assessed, not me”
“I have no business being there”

“its pointless me going”

nothing about i know its hard so I’ll go to support you. it fucking hurts.



weight gain depressed and feeling like a failure

so i went this morning to be weighed. i was full sure i would be down. i thought if i was going to be up that it might only be a tiny bit. but yeah big surprise. i went in and we talked about my goals for the week. and we talked about my energy leavels and water intake. and my mood. and constipation issues and exercise and my back. then she said she’d weigh me. and oh my god. i was up 4.5 pounds. 2 kg in total. how depressing. i dont know how that happened! i was doing everything right. i have been eating healthily, exercising lots. how can i be up so much weight? i almost cried. i was so disappointed. then i realised that this week would usually be the week i’d have a period, that is, if i got them but now that I dont have ovaries I dont get periods any more. however karen said i could still get the pms symptoms and that maybe I am up because it is the week when i would normally get my periods. I hope she’s right. I cant think why else I’d be up. There really is no other reason that I would be up. She kept telling me not to worry about the numbers on the scales. But I’m a little obsessed. I cant help it. I just did not expect to be up by 4.5 pounds. Thats really disheartening. I told her I’d start exercising today again after taking a couple days off due to my back being too sore to exercise. She told me that if I need to go at a slower pace on the treadmill then I should. So I will. Normally it takes me 12 minutes to do a kilometer. I will try to do it in 15 minutes for the next little while. She also measured my waste today but it hasnt gon down since the last time she measured it. So yeah more disappointment there. I didnt want this result today. But oh well. Just have to grin and bear it and stay positive and hope for the best for next week.
carol anne

just bla

I feel bla. Neither here or there. Just like ug this is pointless, life is pointless.

Dont know what brought me to this place tonight. I dont like it though. Its like this kind of flatness. a kind of resigned life is just icky.

Can anyone relate? I hope so as I hate to be alone with my thoughts and these feelings.


I didnt go to therapy today. I was feeling terrible this morning when I woke up. So I called Eileen and canceled. I hated having to do it. But she was understanding and she told me to go back to bed and snuggle up which is what I did.
I am feeling very depressed and also disappointed that I couldn’t go to therapy. Now it will be 3 weeks that I haven’t had any. Not good at all.
I didn’t even go to the basement club for the members meeting. The weather was awful icey and cold and so I stayed home. I’m feeling alone and lonely this afternoon. My home help came and she helped me cook dinner, I made an omelette. Other than seeing her I haven’t seen anyone all day.
I just feel not good physically and emotionally I am feeling unstable also

Mental illness tag!

This was on another bloggers blog, she invited me to take part so I am gonna! Feel free to do it too the more awareness we spread the better!
Lets fight the stigma of mental illness together!

The questions for the tag are as follows:

1 What mental illness do you have?
I have dissociative identity disorder and complex ptsd. Those are my two main diagnoses but I also have depression, an anxiety disorder, and an ED which is not currently active.
2 When were you diagnosed?
I was unofficially diagnosed with did in 2000 by my then psychiatrist, I was also diagnosed with the ptsd during that time. Then in 2010 I got my official diagnosis when experts in the field of dissociation came from the Uk to interview me and do special testing.
3 Who knows about it?
My family, and most of my friends know. I am pretty open about my mental illnesses. I keep a blog, after all.
4 Do you recieve treatment for it?
Yes. I have a psychiatrist who I see once a week, her name is Dr. Barry. She is amazing. I also have a therapist who I see weekly, her name is Eileen. She is also amazing and she is a trauma specialist. I also see an OT and a nutritionist.
5 Has your mental illness stopped you from doing anything?
Not really. It has held me back from time to time when I’ve been hospitalised or been very unwell and was unable to go to college or do other things that I normally do.
6 Is there anything in particular that has helped you?
Going to therapy really helps me a lot. Just having someone who gets it and is there for me and validating my feelings is really helpful. Finding others who are going through similar things to me has also helped enormously.
7 Can you describe what it feels like to have your mental illness?
Having did is hard to describe. Its like being a jigsaw puzzle. So many parts, all trying to fit in, all sharing your body, pieces of the puzzle, and then also talking in your head, so many conversations going on all at once…
8 What is a common misconception about your mental illness?
That switching between alters is dramatic, it really isnt, in fact, unless you know what to look for you can miss a switch between two insiders very easily!
9 What do you find the most difficult to deal with?
Losing time, I can honestly say it is one of the most scariest aspects of having did, coming back and realising we’ve done something while i wasnt present, is hard to cope with.
10 Do you have anything else you’d like to say?
To anyone with a mental illness, dont be afraid to be yourself, if people dont like it that isnt your problem, you have a right to be who you are, tell your story, get help, you are not alone, others have walked a similar journey to you. Never give up!