I clutch at straws. I am fine, I tell myself. I will be fine.
Do I believe it? Hell no.
Emotionally I am unwell, unstable, very, very much so.
I clutch at straws in the hopes it will all be ok, and I will get through it. Really though? I am unsure.
But it helps to try to remember, I’ve gotten through this before. I have made it out the other side in the past. This too shall pass, that is going to be my new motto.
And just for today, I will be kind to myself. I will do some self care. I will work on remembering to breathe, I will smile and I will say to myself, I am a survivor.
Always keep fighting! ❤
I AM SO DOWN. I FEEL SO SO DEPRESSED. I AM JUST SO SAD THIS MORNING.
I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. SO I EMAILED EILEEN. I ASKED HER FOR SOME ADVICE.
SOME ADVICE TO HOPEFULLY MAKE ME FEEL A LITTLE BETTER. I KNOW SHE ALWAYS GIVES GOOD ADVICE. I’VE TRIED SO MANY THINGS ALREADY, NOTHING HAS HELPED. I JUST FEEL SO ALONE. SO ALONE AND SO VERY SAD.
I HOPE SHE EMAILS ME BACK SOON. I COULD USE SOME KIND CARING THOUGHTS. IF ANYONE HAS ANY, PLEASE WRITE ME. I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT.
“When you come out of the grips of a depression there is an incredible relief, but not one you feel allowed to celebrate. Instead, the feeling of victory is replaced with anxiety that it will happen again, and with shame and vulnerability when you see how your illness affected your family, your work, everything left untouched while you struggled to survive. We come back to life thinner, paler, weaker … but as survivors. Survivors who don’t get pats on the back from coworkers who congratulate them on making it. Survivors who wake to more work than before because their friends and family are exhausted from helping them fight a battle they may not even understand. I hope to one day see a sea of people all wearing silver ribbons as a sign that they understand the secret battle, and as a celebration of the victories made each day as we individually pull ourselves up out of our foxholes to see our scars heal, and to remember what the sun looks like.”
― Jenny Lawson, Furiously Happy: A Funny Book About Horrible Things
I feel so suicidal. I don’t want to be here. My thoughts are so muddled. I want an end to the pain, I want to stop it all, and stop existing. I just want an end to it. I really don’t want to be here. Woke up feeling like this. I just feel so bad. I’m safe, but the thoughts of dying are there. Ug this sucks.
I AM FEELING OVERWHELMED. I NEED EILEEN. SO I TEXTED HER. I TEXTED TO ASK IF WE CAN DO A PHONE CHECK IN TODAY. IM WAITING FOR HER TO REPLY. ITS EARLY SO SHE MAY NOT REPLY FOR A FEW HOURS. WAITING FOR A REPLY IS HARD.
IM TRYING TO WATCH ELLEN FOR SOME DISTRACTION.I LOVE ELLEN. SHE’S FUNNY.
I CANT DEAL WITH HAVING THESE FEELINGS. I HATE FEELINGS. I KNOW I SHOULD JUST FEEL THEM. BUT MAN ITS SO FUCKING HARD. I CANT DO IT. I JUST CANT. EILEEN ALWAYS SAYS MY FEELINGS WONT KILL ME. GOD IT FEELS LIKE THEY WILL NOW THOUGH.
GOD! THIS SUCKS!
From a bad dream. And I am terrified. I cant go back to sleep. I am shaky, I am feeling anxious, I am just, terrified!
God help me!
Someone anyone, are you up and awake?
Could use a friendly word of support if you are!