A huffington post article I found to be interesting so thought I’d share it here to see what others thought of it?
i feel so sad this morning. depression is here. it has hit me hard and full on this morning.
i want to cry, scream, shout, but i cant.
i just, i cant.
the words are stuck in my throat. i cant form them in to a coherent narrative.
so i sit here anxious and agitated, and depressed.
i dont know what to do.
i just, i just feel like absolute crap.
This article is from the mighty. I thought I’d share it with you all.
yes. with force. it was too good to be true that it might have disapated. now i feel more anxious than ever.
i’m sitting here shaking. trembling all over.
i cant seem to stop it. not sure what has brought this level of anxiety on tonight.
i dont feel triggered. i’m not remembering any horrific thing right now. so why?
it doesnt make sense. has anyone ever experienced a high level of anxiety but you dont know why your experiencing it? you cant seem to figure the cause out?
“i dont know why your being assessed”
“there is nothing wrong with you”
“your wasting peoples time and money”
“you are not sikck”
“you must love going to doctors”
all spoken by our dad. words hurt. my heart is empty and heavy. the grief is weighing heavily on my heart tonight.
i wanted mom to go to our assessment on friday. i wanted it so bad. i wanted her to go to support us.
but she said no. a firm no.
“why would i go”
“your being assessed, not me”
“I have no business being there”
“its pointless me going”
nothing about i know its hard so I’ll go to support you. it fucking hurts.
so i went this morning to be weighed. i was full sure i would be down. i thought if i was going to be up that it might only be a tiny bit. but yeah big surprise. i went in and we talked about my goals for the week. and we talked about my energy leavels and water intake. and my mood. and constipation issues and exercise and my back. then she said she’d weigh me. and oh my god. i was up 4.5 pounds. 2 kg in total. how depressing. i dont know how that happened! i was doing everything right. i have been eating healthily, exercising lots. how can i be up so much weight? i almost cried. i was so disappointed. then i realised that this week would usually be the week i’d have a period, that is, if i got them but now that I dont have ovaries I dont get periods any more. however karen said i could still get the pms symptoms and that maybe I am up because it is the week when i would normally get my periods. I hope she’s right. I cant think why else I’d be up. There really is no other reason that I would be up. She kept telling me not to worry about the numbers on the scales. But I’m a little obsessed. I cant help it. I just did not expect to be up by 4.5 pounds. Thats really disheartening. I told her I’d start exercising today again after taking a couple days off due to my back being too sore to exercise. She told me that if I need to go at a slower pace on the treadmill then I should. So I will. Normally it takes me 12 minutes to do a kilometer. I will try to do it in 15 minutes for the next little while. She also measured my waste today but it hasnt gon down since the last time she measured it. So yeah more disappointment there. I didnt want this result today. But oh well. Just have to grin and bear it and stay positive and hope for the best for next week.
I feel bla. Neither here or there. Just like ug this is pointless, life is pointless.
Dont know what brought me to this place tonight. I dont like it though. Its like this kind of flatness. a kind of resigned life is just icky.
Can anyone relate? I hope so as I hate to be alone with my thoughts and these feelings.