Suicidal

I feel so suicidal. I don’t want to be here. My thoughts are so muddled. I want an end to the pain, I want to stop it all, and stop existing. I just want an end to it. I really don’t want to be here. Woke up feeling like this. I just feel so bad. I’m safe, but the thoughts of dying are there. Ug this sucks.

OVERWHELMED

I AM FEELING OVERWHELMED. I NEED EILEEN. SO I TEXTED HER. I TEXTED TO ASK IF WE CAN DO A PHONE CHECK IN TODAY. IM WAITING FOR HER TO REPLY. ITS EARLY SO SHE MAY NOT REPLY FOR A FEW HOURS. WAITING FOR A REPLY IS HARD.

IM TRYING TO WATCH ELLEN FOR SOME DISTRACTION.I LOVE ELLEN. SHE’S FUNNY.

I CANT DEAL WITH HAVING THESE FEELINGS. I HATE FEELINGS. I KNOW I SHOULD JUST FEEL THEM. BUT MAN ITS SO FUCKING HARD. I CANT DO IT. I JUST CANT. EILEEN ALWAYS SAYS MY FEELINGS WONT KILL ME. GOD IT FEELS LIKE THEY WILL NOW THOUGH.

GOD! THIS SUCKS!

I woke

From a bad dream. And I am terrified. I cant go back to sleep. I am shaky, I am feeling anxious, I am just, terrified!

God help me!

Someone anyone, are you up and awake?

Could use a friendly word of support if you are!

Nightmares suck!

15 things people said that were code for I’m struggling? The mighty

A great article. Read on this is a good one!

https://themighty.com/2017/11/phrases-code-for-struggling-today-mental-health/?utm_source=newsletter_mental_health&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=newsletter_mental_health_2018-11-13

A poetry prompt: Black dog

The lovely bee over at the bee writes, has challenged us to come up with a poem for the prompt, black dog.

Heres my attempt.

thoughts they linger
will they ever subside
the black dog
he hides?
and sometimes
he comes out
shows his ugly face
spews his ugly venum
and thoughts
and on days when that happens
All I want to do
Is curl up into a tiny ball
Look invisible
And say
Go away, black dog, go away!

https://thebeewritesdownloads.wordpress.com/2018/11/13/black-dog-mondayprompt-for-week-0309-9092012/comment-page-1/#comment-6050

No gym!

I haven’t gone to the gym again today. I didn’t go yesterday either.

Mom asked me this morning if it would be ok if we didn’t go today. She said she had to catch up on some ironing and housework. So I said it would be ok for us not to go today.

To be totally honest I wasn’t really in a good space mentally today and so wasn’t in the mood for exercising.

I will however push myself. And I will be going tomorrow!

I need to go. I need to get the feel good endorphins from doing the exercise. So tomorrow it is then!