I am feeling unstable at the moment, very much so, so in order to look after me, and my mental wellbeing, I will do some stuff to try to break out of the func I am currently in!
The first thing I will do is write a post answering laura of laura venturini’s weekly song challenge! Thanks for tagging me Laura!
After that, I will go make a cup of tea, because I am not able to sleep, and hot tea soothes me. And it soothes my alters, so tea it is!
Then, I might have a snuggle with nitro, if I can get him to wake up! He always makes me feel better. I am sure he wont object if I want to pet him and snuggle him! He loves pets and scratches!
After that, I think I’ll read a chapter or two of my book. Maybe have a shower, maybe put on some nice smelling lotion, I have my lovely rose scented one, that always reminds me of my therapist eileen, who I miss a lot right now!
I will be ok! I am not giving up or giving in to the darkness or dark emotions and thoughts!I can beat them! I got this! I can do it!
I am strong! I am courageous! I am a fighter!
Its 2:34 in the morning. Despite my best efforts, I am wide awake!
I am feeling very low. I just feel awful. I feel so so down. My thoughts are dark. I feel an urge to do something really impulsive.
this is not good! Not good at all!
I am so not ok!
If I disappeared, I wonder would anyone notice, or care?
Thoughts of death are creeping in. Man I hate this!
I hate having such bad thoughts. Dark thought too at that.
I want to go to sleep! But sleep isn’t coming!
I am so not in the mood for a tough night!
I can use some support if anyones around.
I feel really agitated and on edg! Ug!
Searing sharp pain
Im going a little insane
Feelings, without a doubt
Are so overwhelming
Complex and complicated
So much is understated
Sharp pain, guilt and shame
These are the things I feel
Just so surreal
Complex and complicating
Yes, that’s me
around me like a whirlwind
i sit and wait
wait for it to end
but it doesnt
it continues to make me crazy
i shake uncontrollably
i sit and whimper
that feeling of grief
of all that i’ve lost
it creeps up on me
before i can even see
its all the same
and i think
how i’m to blame
I WANT TO CUT. IT WILL TAKE MY PAIN AWAY. I AM IN TURMOIL. EMOTIONAL TURMOIL.
I CANT DEAL WITH THIS LEVEL OF PAIN. I FUCKING JUST CANT DO IT.
I NEED RELEASE. I NEED A WAY OUT.
I HAVE A MEANS TO DO IT. I HAVE RAZORS. I HAVE KNIVES. CAN I RESIST? I AM NOT SURE.
AT THIS POINT NOTHING IS WORKING. NOTHING IS SATISFYING MY URGES.
RELIEF IS ALL I CAN THINK OF, SWEET RELIEF.
IS ANYONE AROUND?
WRITTEN BY LIZ
I LONG FOR THE COLD STEAL BLADE OF A KNIFE
TO TOUCH MY SKIN AND TAKE ME AWAY
TO MAKE ME FORGET ALL THE PAIN INSIDE
AND CALM THE NERVES THAT REFUSE TO SETTLE
I WANT THE FEELING THAT ONLY COMES BY THIS
THE FEELING THAT I CAN RELAX AND BREATHE
MY HEART FEELS SO COLD AND SO HEAVY
HOW CAN I KNOW ITS WARMTH WITHOUT THE BLOOD
IF MY BLOOD IS WARM THEN MY HEART MUST NOT BE FROZEN
I WANT THE BLANKNESS OF MY MIND, THAT IS UNIQUE TO THE STINGING AND LINES OF RED
THE ONLY WAY IVE EVER KNOWN OF, TO CLEAR OUT EVEN FOR A MOMENT ALL THAT HAUNTS ME
I WANT A PEACE THAT COMES OUT NUMB
THAT FEELS NOTHING, RATHER THAN EVERYTHING AT ONCE
HOW CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND SUCH CONTRADICTIONS
LIFE AND WARMTH, WITH BLANKNESS AND NUMBNESS
YET THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I CAN BRING OUT OF MYSELF
WITH ONLY A KNIFE PRESSED TO MY SKIN