Why do I cut?

WRITTEN BY LIZ

I LONG FOR THE COLD STEAL BLADE OF A KNIFE

TO TOUCH MY SKIN AND TAKE ME AWAY

TO MAKE ME FORGET ALL THE PAIN INSIDE

AND CALM THE NERVES THAT REFUSE TO SETTLE

I WANT THE FEELING THAT ONLY COMES BY THIS

THE FEELING THAT I CAN RELAX AND BREATHE

MY HEART FEELS SO COLD AND SO HEAVY

HOW CAN I KNOW ITS WARMTH WITHOUT THE BLOOD

IF MY BLOOD IS WARM THEN MY HEART MUST NOT BE FROZEN

I WANT THE BLANKNESS OF MY MIND, THAT IS UNIQUE TO THE STINGING AND LINES OF RED

THE ONLY WAY IVE EVER KNOWN OF, TO CLEAR OUT EVEN FOR A MOMENT ALL THAT HAUNTS ME

I WANT A PEACE THAT COMES OUT NUMB

THAT FEELS NOTHING, RATHER THAN EVERYTHING AT ONCE

HOW CAN ANYONE UNDERSTAND SUCH CONTRADICTIONS

LIFE AND WARMTH, WITH BLANKNESS AND NUMBNESS

YET THESE ARE THE THINGS THAT I CAN BRING OUT OF MYSELF

WITH ONLY A KNIFE PRESSED TO MY SKIN

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ANGRY

I HATE LIFE. I HATE MY ABUSERS. I HATE EVERYTHING. I WANT TO GIVE UP. I’M SO PISSED. I WANT TO BREAK EVERYTHING IN THIS DAMN ROOM. FUCKING ABUSERS THEY ARE SCUM. CONSTANTLY HARASSING US. GETTING US ALL RILED UP. HARD NOT TO GET RILED UP. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING DIE. I REALLY REALLY DO. I AM DONE. I AM SO FUCKING DONE. BEAT DOWN AND DONE. LIFE SUCKS. MY LIFE IS PATHETIC. I AM A FAILURE. I COULDNT EVEN SUCCEED AT ENDING IT.
PIXIE AGE 21

Express

Sometimes, it feels like if I express my emotions, I’ll drown. Or the emotions will kill me.
Or, if I express who I really am everyone will leave me.
I feel alone with my huge and overwhelming emotions. That feels crippling.
https://dailypost.wordpress.com/prompts/express/

Waiting

I’m waiting for someone from the weekend team to call me. I think it is going to be Yvonne. She called me yesterday and I remember she said she’d call me today too.

i’m nervous. I need to talk to her about the suicidal thoughts. I dont think I should but I know its important to tell her how I am feeling so I will. I dont know her that well so I’m nervous about how she will react and how I will manage to open up to her.

I managed to eat breakfast and shower so that is a positive. My mom wants me to go to a holistic fare with her later this afternoon. I said I’d go. It will be a distraction if nothing else.