Triggered! dark thoughts!

Its Misty. I am feeling very emotional. I am really triggered!

I feel so depressed. My thoughts are dark and I feel suicidal!

I texted Eileen and am waiting for her to respond! I feel like I need her. I need her calm voice to reassure me we can make it through this hard time!

We are also at our parents house now. We had to come here since we felt unsafe. We felt like hurting ourselves. We’ve made an agreement with Eileen that we wont do anything to harm ourselves. So this was the next best thing for us to do!

Everything just feels so awful! I dont know what to do!

My mood is so so low! I just feel like I shouldnt be here. I shouldnt exist. I know its what my abusers told me. I feel so lost! So lost and alone!

I hope eileen texts me soon, cuz I am not ok!
Misty age 15

Looking after my mental wellbeing

I am feeling unstable at the moment, very much so, so in order to look after me, and my mental wellbeing, I will do some stuff to try to break out of the func I am currently in!
The first thing I will do is write a post answering laura of laura venturini’s weekly song challenge! Thanks for tagging me Laura!
After that, I will go make a cup of tea, because I am not able to sleep, and hot tea soothes me. And it soothes my alters, so tea it is!
Then, I might have a snuggle with nitro, if I can get him to wake up! He always makes me feel better. I am sure he wont object if I want to pet him and snuggle him! He loves pets and scratches!
After that, I think I’ll read a chapter or two of my book. Maybe have a shower, maybe put on some nice smelling lotion, I have my lovely rose scented one, that always reminds me of my therapist eileen, who I miss a lot right now!
I will be ok! I am not giving up or giving in to the darkness or dark emotions and thoughts!I can beat them! I got this! I can do it!
I am strong! I am courageous! I am a fighter!

https://wordofthedaychallenge.wordpress.com/2019/08/14/wellbeing/

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In a dark place

Its 2:34 in the morning. Despite my best efforts, I am wide awake!

I am feeling very low. I just feel awful. I feel so so down. My thoughts are dark. I feel an urge to do something really impulsive.

this is not good! Not good at all!

I am so not ok!

If I disappeared, I wonder would anyone notice, or care?

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Here come the bad thoughts

Thoughts of death are creeping in. Man I hate this!
I hate having such bad thoughts. Dark thought too at that.
I want to go to sleep! But sleep isn’t coming!
I am so not in the mood for a tough night!
I can use some support if anyones around.
I feel really agitated and on edg! Ug!

poetry

pain swirls
around me like a whirlwind
i sit and wait
wait for it to end
but it doesnt
it continues to make me crazy
i shake uncontrollably
i sit and whimper
that feeling of grief
of all that i’ve lost
it creeps up on me
before i can even see
or notice
pain, grief
its all the same
and i think
to myself
how i’m to blame

LIZ HERE. I WANT TO JUST CUT

I WANT TO CUT. IT WILL TAKE MY PAIN AWAY. I AM IN TURMOIL. EMOTIONAL TURMOIL.
I CANT DEAL WITH THIS LEVEL OF PAIN. I FUCKING JUST CANT DO IT.
I NEED RELEASE. I NEED A WAY OUT.
I HAVE A MEANS TO DO IT. I HAVE RAZORS. I HAVE KNIVES. CAN I RESIST? I AM NOT SURE.
AT THIS POINT NOTHING IS WORKING. NOTHING IS SATISFYING MY URGES.
RELIEF IS ALL I CAN THINK OF, SWEET RELIEF.
IS ANYONE AROUND?
LIZ