its krista. im 11 years old.
i got to talk in therapy yesterday. that was nice. even tho the stuff i had to talk about wasnt nice. it was hard to talk about it.it was so scary.
but im glad eileen is so nice. she is kind. she makes it easy to talk to her.
i was talking about how i felt. that people only see my behaviour. they dont see me, they dont even like me. the adults in my system are afraid, they wont let the younger kids near me. thats cuz i act out. in a sexual way. but i dont want to be doing that. i just cant help myself.
its cuz stuff happened to me. people hurt me. in dublin. they did awful things to me. and i learned about sex. and now i sometimes act out in a sexual way. it makes me feel good about my body. cuz mostly i hate my body. but eileen said maybe i can learn new ways of being. and that it is my body, and i dont need to offer it to anyone, that maybe there is other things that i can offer instead. that i am not only what happened to me. that i am more than that.
she said the shame i feel about it is totally understandable. but that it isnt my shame. its the abusers shame to carry, not mine. but that is going to take a lot of work for me to learn that and that she is here and we can do this work together. i am glad she is here. she is helping me to learn new things about myself and i am happy about that.
she also said she cares about me but that she doesnt want me to do anything or for me to feel i have to do something for her in return for her care. she said she just wants to care about me because she likes me. she also said she doesnt judge me. she said there is no judgement on her part whatsoever.
i told her that when I am out sometimes I go online and go into chatrooms and start talking to people in a sexual way. i cant help it. She said that is the complexities of sexual abuse and of being abused. It makes us do things sometimes that people who havent been abused would never ever do.
its good to know im not weird or disgusting or gross or anything like that. im glad we talked about this stuff. eileen said we’d talk some more next time about all this. in the meantime i can text or email her and i also have rain, one of the dark adults supporting me. rain is really calm and she is nice and she offered to support me. i’d prefer to be with eileen but i’ll let rain be there for me too since she offered. i love spending time with eileen though. but eileen told me to let rain comfort me at home, and i can spend time with her in the therapy room.
its been good to get this stuff out. its nice to be able to allow eileen in a little. i never spoke about this stuff before to anyone. i’ve never ever told another person. im glad im telling eileen now. im glad to have her support.