DRINKING PINK GYN!

ITS LIZ! I AM HAVING A PINK GYN! TO END MY DAY! IT TASTES GORGEOUS TOO I MIGHT ADD!
PINK GYN, AND LOADS OF ICE REALLY HITS THE SPOT FOR ME!
I’M JUST HAVING THE ONE! I ALSO TOLD MY MOM TO HAVE HERSELF ONE!
ITS COOL TO BE ABLE TO DO IT! HANG OUT, DRINK MY DRINK AND READ BLOGS!
I HOPE TO DO THIS A LOT OVER THE CHRISTMAS!
CHEERS, GUYS!
LIZ

LIZ ON THERAPY: THE DARKS ARE NOW WORKING WITH EILEEN!

HI! ITS ME LIZ! SO TODAY IN THERAPY SOME OF THE DARKS IN MY SYSTEM TALKED. THE ADULT DARKS. THEY TALKED AND A LOT OF THINGS GOT WORKED ON. WE DISCUSSED WHY THEY DIDNT WANT TO OPEN UP, DISCUSS ANYTHING, WHY THEY DIDNT WANT TO PARTICIPATE IN THERAPY. IT CAME TO LIGHT THAT THEY WERE PROGRAMMED DURING THE ABUSE NOT TO REVEAL ANYTHING, NEVER TO TELL OR DIVULGE ANY INFO. IF THEY DID THERE WOULD BE SEVERE CONSEQUENCES, THE PROGRAMMING INVOLVED PHYSICAL PAIN TRAINING, SO IT WAS PRETTY MUCH DRILLED IN TO THEM NOT TO TALK. EILEEN WAS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING. SHE TOTALLY GOT IT. SKYLER AND RAYNE BOTH SPOKE TO HER. BOTH OF THEM ARE ADULTS. SKYLER SAID SHE HAD NO TIME FOR THE KIDS, AND THEIR NEEDS, AND THAT IS HOW THEY GOT ON TO TALKING ABOUT TRAUMA AND PAIN TRAINING, BECAUSE SHE WAS EXPLAINING TO EILEEN ABOUT THE KIDS IN THE DARKS BEING HOLDERS OF TRAUMA, AND SHE WAS SAYING HOW SHE FEARED IF THEY STARTED REVEALING THEIR TRAUMAS, THAT THE FEELINGS WOULD OVERWHELM THE ADULTS. EILEEN REASSURRED THEM THAT SHE WASNT GOING TO LET THAT HAPPEN. RAYNE CAME OUT AFTER A WHILE AND SHE WAS CALMER. SHE TOLD EILEEN THAT SHE FEELS SAFE NOW, AND TRUSTS EILEEN AND IS WILLING TO TAKE THE NEXT STEP AND BEGIN WORKING ON MEMORIES AND ON THE TRAUMA. EILEEN ASKED THEM TO MAKE A CONTRACT WITH HER, AND IT SAYS THAT IF THEY GET OVERWHELMED, OR FEELINGS COME UP THAT ARE HARD TO HANDLE, THAT THEY’LL CONTACT EILEEN, AND NOT SELF HARM OR DO DAMAGE INTERNALLY. THEY DID AGREE TO THIS. EILEEN SAID SHE’S MAKING HERSELF AVAILABLE AND THEY CAN REACH HER ANY TIME, THROUGH TEXT, EMAIL OR BY PHONE. THAT WAS SO KIND OF HER. WE REALLY APPRECIATE THAT SHE’S DOING THAT FOR US. RAYNE TOLD HER THAT SHE DIDNT FEEL WE’D SELF HARM NOW, EVEN IF WE FEEL LIKE IT SOMETIMES. THAT WE’VE NOT DONE IT IN A LONG TIME, AND WE DIDNT THINK WE’D START THAT HABIT UP AGAIN NOW. ITS GOOD THAT SHE’S AVAILABLE TO US IF WE NEED HER, THAT MAKES A HUGE DIFFERENCE. SHE SAID WE NEED TO TAKE THINGS SLOW. WE NEED TO DO THIS WORK SLOWLY. THE ADULTS NEED TO ALL BE ON BORD, IN ORDER TO WORK WITH THE KIDS, BECAUSE THEY NEED TO BE ABLE TO ALSO SUPPORT THE KIDS. THATS GOING TO BE HARD, BUT I THINK WE CAN MANAGE IT. I’M HOPEFUL THAT WE CAN. EILEEN SAID THE DARK KIDS CAN EMAIL HER, BUT FOR THEM NOT TO DETAIL MEMORIES IN THE EMAIL, SINCE IT MAY OVERWHELM US, SHE SAID THOUGH IF THEY FEEL SAD, MAD, ETC THAT THEY CAN WRITE TO HER AND TELL HER HOW THEY FEEL. BUT THAT WE’LL DISCUSS THE TRAUMAS DURING OUR SESSIONS. THAT MAKES SENSE TO ME. I’M GLAD WE’LL BE DOING THAT. IT FEELS LIKE A LOT OF PROGRESS WAS MADE TODAY. I’M HAPPY WITH HOW OUR SESSION WENT. IT CERTAINLY WASNT WHAT I EXPECTED. I WAS OUT AT THE START, AND I HAD TEXTED HER BEFORE GOING IN, TO SAY I COULDNT FIND MY WORDS AND THAT I HOPED SHE’D BE ABLE TO HELP ME. SHE’D TEXTED ME BACK SAYING WE’D WORK IT OUT AND FOR ME NOT TO WORRY. AND TRUE TO HER WORD, SHE DID WORK IT OUT AND I AM SO GRATEFUL TO HER. HER GENTLENESS AND KINDNESS NEVER CEASES TO AMAZE ME. SHE MAKES ME FEEL SO SAFE, SO VALIDATED, SO LOVED. WHEN WE SAID WE FELT SAFE ENOUGH TO DO THE WORK NOW, AFTER 7 YEARS OF SEEING HER AND HER NOT LEAVING OR GOING ANYWHERE, SHE SAID, THATS A VERY BIG STATEMENT, AND ITS TRUE, IT WAS. BUT WE DO, WE FEEL THAT NOW ITS TIME, ITS TIME TO RELEASE SOME OF THE TRAUMAS, AND MEMORIES AND BEGIN TO HEAL AND BEGIN TO PROCESS THEM. EILEEN IS WITH US, SHE’S GOING TO BE THERE AND SHE WONT LET US FALL, SHE’LL HOLD US AND CATCH UP AND BE THERE FOR US THROUGH IT ALL. AND I AM SO GLAD WE HAVE HER. IT FEELS LIKE WE CAN DO THIS WITH HER BY OUR SIDE. WITH HER BY MY SIDE, I CAN CONQUER ANYTHING!

Big system changes

therapy today was good. I got to talk to Eileen. first we did an exercise where she and I sat facing each other. She got me to put out my hands, with my palms facing up. I did, and then she placed her palms on mine, and got me to push on her arms. It felt amazing. I felt so strong. I felt like she was strengthing me. just by placing her arms on mine. I felt strong and safe and I felt huge strength. I really enjoyed it. It felt really good to do that exercise with her.
We talked about the darks. She talked about the email she got from melanie. How that had resonated with her. How it was real. real and honest. I was telling her I was upset about melanie sending it to her. I felt like she was trying to ruin things for us. Eileen said no. not true. she said the darks are holding the emotions which we couldn’t. which were so unsafe for us to hold as a kid. she said melanie’s email was raw, real and honest. and she welcomed it. she said its good melanie can now talk openly to her and be so honest with her.
we talked about big feelings. Eileen asked me if I was able to be free to say absolutely anything to her, without fearing what she’d say or do, without fearing rejection, or that I’d upset her, or disappoint her, if I could what would I say? I thought about it for a few minutes. Then I said I’d probably say how sad I am. How I think about death and dying all the time. How I try to think up ways to do it to die. How I worry so much about insiders in our system. ABout my own insiders, about my family, about all sorts of things, I worry constantly.
She said that she knew it. So she had an idea. She asked me to ask jade to come sit by me. So I did. She said jade could maybe help me. Jade is 36. She is our internal therapist. But she’s like a mom to me. I see her as a mother figure inside. I am very close to her.
She asked me if I’d like help in my house inside. I said yes I would. The way it works inside is like this. Some of us live in a castle, carol anne, amy and most of them do. The darks live in a forrest. And I live in a house inside with some other insiders, and there aren’t any adults in my house inside. So Eileen asked jade if she’d move in there with me. Take over the house and take responsibility for it and for me and my insiders. Jade agreed. So she’s going to move in! Yay! I am so delighted!
Then Eileen asked me to just go home today and be 12. Just be 12 and do things that a 12 year old would do. Give the responsibility to jade. And for me to just be a kid. So that is what I did! I have been doing crafts. Making cards. I have been listening to my music. And drinking tea. It was nice. It felt so good to just be able to be a kid. I felt lighter much much lighter.
Before our session ended today Eileen came and wrapped the fluffy blanket around me. She asked me how it felt. I said it felt wonderful. I felt all warm and cosy. All loved and very safe. The blanket is so sootheing and so comforting. I really enjoyed therapy today. And now I have jade helping me inside which is nice. I feel great. For once I don’t feel burdened and I don’t feel sad and I feel like I can cope.
Life feels manageable. I feel loved, safe and supported.

UNHAPPY DARKS

ITS LIZ HERE. IM DEALING WITH A LOT IN MY OWN SYSTEM INSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE DARKS ARE NOT VERY HAPPY. NOT REALLY SURE WHY. WELL THERE IS THE FACT THEY’VE HAD TO DEAL WITH THEIR MEMORIES PRETTY MUCH ON THEIR OWN SINCE THERE WAS NO THERAPY LAST WEEK. EILEEN HAD SAID TO TEXT HER OR EMAIL HER BUT THEY ARE REFUSING TO DO THAT. NOT SURE WHY. I DIDNT EVEN GET TO TELL HER TODAY ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON. MAYBE I’LL JUST EMAIL HER IN A FEW MINUTES TO TELL HER. I FEEL ITS IMPORTANT SHE KNOWS THEY ARE STRUGGLING. THESE ARENT KIDS EITHER. THEY ARE ADULTS AND TEENS MOSTLY. JUST THAT THEY ARE DARKS IN OUR SYSTEM. IM PRETTY PISSED ACTUALLY ABOUT IT ALL. I DONT LIKE WHEN PEOPLE IN MY SYSTEM ARE ARGUING AND THERE IS A LOT OF THAT SHIT GOING ON RIGHT NOW. A LOT OF INTERNAL FIGHTING AND UNEASE AND UNREST. PEOPLE ARE BEING VERY VIOLENT TOO. ONE OR TWO INSIDERS ARE GOING INTO BLIND RAGES. I’VE HAD TO BREAK UP A FEW FIGHTS LATELY. ITS FRUSTRATING. SO YEAH I THINK AN EMAIL TO EILEEN IS IN ORDER. THE FACT THAT WE HAD THAT ACCIDENT IS SHITTY, BAD TIMING IF YOU ASK ME. WE NEVER DEALT WITH THE HALLOWEEN STUFF THAT CAME UP. NOW HALLOWEEN IS OVER PEOPLE THINK ITS JUST OVER. THE MEMORIES HAVE DISAPPEARED. BUT THEY HAVENT. ITS JUST NOT HOW IT WORKS. THEY STILL RUN FOR US. JUST BECAUSE THE DAY HAS PASSED DOESNT MEAN SHIT TO US REALLY. IM JUST IRRITABLE. AND A LITTLE ANGRY THAT THERAPY WAS TAKEN UP TODAY WITH THAT DAMN ACCIDENT. THAT DAMN DICKHEAD WHO HIT US, SHOULD BE SHOT OR PUNISHED BY SOME OTHER FUCKING MEANS. WHAT AN ASSHOLE. WE HAD TO PROCESS HIS STUPIDITY INSTEAD OF DEALING WITH OUR PAST. DAMN ANYWAY.
LIZ

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#write 31 days, introducing, Liz!

SO WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY THAT I HAVENT ALREADY SAID? YA’LL KNOW ME, FROM ME WRITING DAILY OR ALMOST DAILY ON OUR BLOG. BUT WELL. ME, WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT MYSELF?

IM LIZ. WHEN I FIRST EMERGED I WAS 16. I AM AN AGE SLIDER NOW THOUGH. I GO FROM AGES 19-22. SOMETIMES WHEN IM REALLY TRIGGERED I REGRESS TO A YOUNGER AGE, LIKE 12 TO 16, BUT MOSTLY IM AN ADULT.

IM A DARK. DARKS ARE USUALLY ALTERS WHO WORK AGAINST THE BODY, AGAINST THE SYSTEM. THEY ARE USUALLY UNCOOPERATIVE AND VERY DESTRUCTIVE. SELF HARMING, ANGER ISSUES, SUICIDAL ETC.

IM A LITTLE DIFFERENT THOUGH. IM A DARK BUT IM ALSO SORTA HELPFUL IN OUR SYSTEM. I HELP CAROL ANNE A LOT. WE WORK TOGETHER AS A TEAM. WE RUN THE SYSTEM. HER FOR THE LIGHTS, ME FOR THE DARKS.

IM ALSO A PROTECTOR IN MY OWN RIGHT, BUT I DONT LIKE TO ADMIT IT. I LIKE TO SAY, NO ONE CAN FUCK WITH MY PEOPLE, EXCEPT ME. THATS A RULE I LIVE BY. IN FIERCELY PROTECTIVE OF MY CREW.

I LIKE MUSIC, RAP IS MY FAVOURITE GENRE. I LIKE EMINEM AND OTHER ARTISTS WHOSE LYRICS I CAN RELATE TO. I LISTEN TO MUSIC A LOT WHEN I AM UPSET OR ANGRY. IT HELPS ME.

ANGER. WHAT CAN I SAY I AM ANGRY A LOT. SOMETIMES MY ANGER GETS THE BEST OF ME. I CAN GO OFF ON PEOPLE AND BE A TOTAL BITCH TO THEM. I RESORT TO ANGER WHEN I FEEL THREATENED OR SCARED. ITS NOT SOMETHING I AM PROUD OF.

SO THATS ME. THATS WHAT I AM ABOUT. IM A STRONG INSIDER. A STRONG PERSON IN GENERAL. ANYTHING YOU’D LIKE TO KNOW, JUST ASK.
LIZ

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