Big system changes

therapy today was good. I got to talk to Eileen. first we did an exercise where she and I sat facing each other. She got me to put out my hands, with my palms facing up. I did, and then she placed her palms on mine, and got me to push on her arms. It felt amazing. I felt so strong. I felt like she was strengthing me. just by placing her arms on mine. I felt strong and safe and I felt huge strength. I really enjoyed it. It felt really good to do that exercise with her.
We talked about the darks. She talked about the email she got from melanie. How that had resonated with her. How it was real. real and honest. I was telling her I was upset about melanie sending it to her. I felt like she was trying to ruin things for us. Eileen said no. not true. she said the darks are holding the emotions which we couldn’t. which were so unsafe for us to hold as a kid. she said melanie’s email was raw, real and honest. and she welcomed it. she said its good melanie can now talk openly to her and be so honest with her.
we talked about big feelings. Eileen asked me if I was able to be free to say absolutely anything to her, without fearing what she’d say or do, without fearing rejection, or that I’d upset her, or disappoint her, if I could what would I say? I thought about it for a few minutes. Then I said I’d probably say how sad I am. How I think about death and dying all the time. How I try to think up ways to do it to die. How I worry so much about insiders in our system. ABout my own insiders, about my family, about all sorts of things, I worry constantly.
She said that she knew it. So she had an idea. She asked me to ask jade to come sit by me. So I did. She said jade could maybe help me. Jade is 36. She is our internal therapist. But she’s like a mom to me. I see her as a mother figure inside. I am very close to her.
She asked me if I’d like help in my house inside. I said yes I would. The way it works inside is like this. Some of us live in a castle, carol anne, amy and most of them do. The darks live in a forrest. And I live in a house inside with some other insiders, and there aren’t any adults in my house inside. So Eileen asked jade if she’d move in there with me. Take over the house and take responsibility for it and for me and my insiders. Jade agreed. So she’s going to move in! Yay! I am so delighted!
Then Eileen asked me to just go home today and be 12. Just be 12 and do things that a 12 year old would do. Give the responsibility to jade. And for me to just be a kid. So that is what I did! I have been doing crafts. Making cards. I have been listening to my music. And drinking tea. It was nice. It felt so good to just be able to be a kid. I felt lighter much much lighter.
Before our session ended today Eileen came and wrapped the fluffy blanket around me. She asked me how it felt. I said it felt wonderful. I felt all warm and cosy. All loved and very safe. The blanket is so sootheing and so comforting. I really enjoyed therapy today. And now I have jade helping me inside which is nice. I feel great. For once I don’t feel burdened and I don’t feel sad and I feel like I can cope.
Life feels manageable. I feel loved, safe and supported.

UNHAPPY DARKS

ITS LIZ HERE. IM DEALING WITH A LOT IN MY OWN SYSTEM INSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE DARKS ARE NOT VERY HAPPY. NOT REALLY SURE WHY. WELL THERE IS THE FACT THEY’VE HAD TO DEAL WITH THEIR MEMORIES PRETTY MUCH ON THEIR OWN SINCE THERE WAS NO THERAPY LAST WEEK. EILEEN HAD SAID TO TEXT HER OR EMAIL HER BUT THEY ARE REFUSING TO DO THAT. NOT SURE WHY. I DIDNT EVEN GET TO TELL HER TODAY ABOUT WHAT IS GOING ON. MAYBE I’LL JUST EMAIL HER IN A FEW MINUTES TO TELL HER. I FEEL ITS IMPORTANT SHE KNOWS THEY ARE STRUGGLING. THESE ARENT KIDS EITHER. THEY ARE ADULTS AND TEENS MOSTLY. JUST THAT THEY ARE DARKS IN OUR SYSTEM. IM PRETTY PISSED ACTUALLY ABOUT IT ALL. I DONT LIKE WHEN PEOPLE IN MY SYSTEM ARE ARGUING AND THERE IS A LOT OF THAT SHIT GOING ON RIGHT NOW. A LOT OF INTERNAL FIGHTING AND UNEASE AND UNREST. PEOPLE ARE BEING VERY VIOLENT TOO. ONE OR TWO INSIDERS ARE GOING INTO BLIND RAGES. I’VE HAD TO BREAK UP A FEW FIGHTS LATELY. ITS FRUSTRATING. SO YEAH I THINK AN EMAIL TO EILEEN IS IN ORDER. THE FACT THAT WE HAD THAT ACCIDENT IS SHITTY, BAD TIMING IF YOU ASK ME. WE NEVER DEALT WITH THE HALLOWEEN STUFF THAT CAME UP. NOW HALLOWEEN IS OVER PEOPLE THINK ITS JUST OVER. THE MEMORIES HAVE DISAPPEARED. BUT THEY HAVENT. ITS JUST NOT HOW IT WORKS. THEY STILL RUN FOR US. JUST BECAUSE THE DAY HAS PASSED DOESNT MEAN SHIT TO US REALLY. IM JUST IRRITABLE. AND A LITTLE ANGRY THAT THERAPY WAS TAKEN UP TODAY WITH THAT DAMN ACCIDENT. THAT DAMN DICKHEAD WHO HIT US, SHOULD BE SHOT OR PUNISHED BY SOME OTHER FUCKING MEANS. WHAT AN ASSHOLE. WE HAD TO PROCESS HIS STUPIDITY INSTEAD OF DEALING WITH OUR PAST. DAMN ANYWAY.
LIZ

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#write 31 days, introducing, Liz!

SO WELL, WHAT CAN I SAY THAT I HAVENT ALREADY SAID? YA’LL KNOW ME, FROM ME WRITING DAILY OR ALMOST DAILY ON OUR BLOG. BUT WELL. ME, WHAT CAN I SAY ABOUT MYSELF?

IM LIZ. WHEN I FIRST EMERGED I WAS 16. I AM AN AGE SLIDER NOW THOUGH. I GO FROM AGES 19-22. SOMETIMES WHEN IM REALLY TRIGGERED I REGRESS TO A YOUNGER AGE, LIKE 12 TO 16, BUT MOSTLY IM AN ADULT.

IM A DARK. DARKS ARE USUALLY ALTERS WHO WORK AGAINST THE BODY, AGAINST THE SYSTEM. THEY ARE USUALLY UNCOOPERATIVE AND VERY DESTRUCTIVE. SELF HARMING, ANGER ISSUES, SUICIDAL ETC.

IM A LITTLE DIFFERENT THOUGH. IM A DARK BUT IM ALSO SORTA HELPFUL IN OUR SYSTEM. I HELP CAROL ANNE A LOT. WE WORK TOGETHER AS A TEAM. WE RUN THE SYSTEM. HER FOR THE LIGHTS, ME FOR THE DARKS.

IM ALSO A PROTECTOR IN MY OWN RIGHT, BUT I DONT LIKE TO ADMIT IT. I LIKE TO SAY, NO ONE CAN FUCK WITH MY PEOPLE, EXCEPT ME. THATS A RULE I LIVE BY. IN FIERCELY PROTECTIVE OF MY CREW.

I LIKE MUSIC, RAP IS MY FAVOURITE GENRE. I LIKE EMINEM AND OTHER ARTISTS WHOSE LYRICS I CAN RELATE TO. I LISTEN TO MUSIC A LOT WHEN I AM UPSET OR ANGRY. IT HELPS ME.

ANGER. WHAT CAN I SAY I AM ANGRY A LOT. SOMETIMES MY ANGER GETS THE BEST OF ME. I CAN GO OFF ON PEOPLE AND BE A TOTAL BITCH TO THEM. I RESORT TO ANGER WHEN I FEEL THREATENED OR SCARED. ITS NOT SOMETHING I AM PROUD OF.

SO THATS ME. THATS WHAT I AM ABOUT. IM A STRONG INSIDER. A STRONG PERSON IN GENERAL. ANYTHING YOU’D LIKE TO KNOW, JUST ASK.
LIZ

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FROM PIXIE!

7 DAYS DOWN! ONE WEEK DONE! YES!

SO HAPPY ONE WEEK OF OCTOBER IS GONE!

YOU ALL DONT KNOW HOW HAPPY IT MAKES ME THAT A WEEK HAS PASSED! AND MOSTLY WITHOUT INCIDENT! WE’RE DOING SOMETHING RIGHT!

THERAPY TOMORROW. I’M NERVOUS. MORE HARD WORK HAS TO BE DONE. MORE MEMORIES UNEARTHED. MORE PAIN, MORE TRAUMA. UG.

WHEN DOES IT GET EASIER? NEVER, IMO. NEVER THATS WHEN.

I THINK I NEED TO JUST VEG IN FRONT OF TV FOR THE EVENING, WE’RE GOING TO WATCH X FACTOR, AND WHATEVER ELSE TAKES OUR FANCY.

I’LL STAY OUT FRONT FOR NOW. GIVE LIZ A BREAK. I’M 23 AFTER ALL, AN ADULT. I CAN DO THIS. I JUST HAVE TO FORCE MYSELF TO BE OK. IM NOT, BUT I’LL MANAGE.

PIXIE

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Dr. Barry apt. Extra support this month, and, We’re moving!

had a great apt with dr. barry today. really got in to a lot with her. we talked about the time of the year, and how we are really struggling for the next month. I asked her if there was any possibility we could see the mental health nurse sara over the month of october as some extra support. She said yes that wouldnt be a problem, and she thought that it would actually be a great idea. So she is going to speak to her at their team meeting next monday. Even if its just phone support, at least there will be extra support, an extra person checking in with us. So I am happy about that. We talked about therapy as well, I told her about the darks working with eileen, working on why it is they do what they do, why they feel the need to contact past abusers, and respond to them. Dr. barry likened it to learning a new dance, she said its hard not to do the old one when you hear the music, she said if you know it, you’ll automatically do what you know, its like that with the darks too. They are learning a new way of being, and trying to change, and getting to a place where they no longer feel the need to contact abusers, but that takes time, and there will be hiccups along the way. I liked her analagy of it being like a familiar dance. I could relate to that. I told her about our friend asking me to talk to her on her behalf. She was not happy about it. She apologised to me, told me she was sorry that I was stuck in the middle of this. She said that she wasnt able to discuss her case, I knew she wouldnt be able to, and she wasnt able to tell me what she was going to do about it, but she said she would be doing something as this sort of behaviour wasnt acceptible and it wasnt fair on us to be put in that predicament. So I know she’ll deal with it. She said she knows too that when I am ready, and in a better headspace than I am in now, I’ll talk to my friend, and tell her that its not right what she did. And I will, just not right now. Right now I am dealing with a lot and dont feel up to having that conversation with her. We talked about moving to a new building, dr. barry said its happening within the next two weeks. We’ll be moving to a purpose built building. There wont only be mental health providers there though, there will be a whole lot of medical personel, doctors, clinics etc. We talked about our needs, and how we may need extra help. Dr. barry said that would be fine, she understood we need extra support and she said maybe the mental health nurse sarah can help us with that too. That sounds good to me. She said for me to take it that our next apt in two weeks will be in the old building unless I hear otherwise. They havent finalised things yet and dr. barry said her team havent been fully informed yet about the move, they’ve only been told that the move is happening. Its a lot of change though and we’re not good with change. Other than that we just discussed the letters I found from my gramma last weekend, we talked about slimming world, and a few other things as well. It was a really great appointment.

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#write 31 days…introducing…Wendy!

TODAY FOR WRITE 31 DAYS, ITS MY TURN TO INTRODUCE MYSELF TO YOU ALL.

MY NAME IS WENDY. I’M WHAT IS KNOWN IN OUR SYSTEM AS A DARK. IM 23.

I HAVE REALLY CHANGED A LOT OVER THE PAST FEW YEARS, AS YEARS AGO I WAS THE ONE WHO WOULD CAUSE PROBLEMS IN THERAPY, INTERFERE WITH THERAPY, ETC. I HATED IT. I HATED OUR THEN THERAPIST. NOW THOUGH I DO WORK WITH EILEEN. I HAVE WORKED HARD ON CHANGING. AND I LIKE HER. I FINALLY ACCEPTED THAT WE NEED TO BE IN THERAPY.

CHANGE IS HARD. CHANGING AND BECOMING A BETTER PERSON IS EVEN HARDER.

MY OLD JOB IN THE SYSTEM WAS TO CONTACT ABUSERS. AND TO GO MEET THEM AND WE’D END UP HURT. I DONT DO THAT NOW THOUGH. I’VE STOPPED CONTACTING PEOPLE FROM OUR PAST.

SO FOR HOBBIES, WELL, I DONT HAVE THAT MANY. I WISH I WAS OUT MORE TO HAVE MORE. BUT I DO LIKE TO LISTEN TO MUSIC, READ SOME, AND WATCH FAMILY GUY AND BOON DOCS ON TV. I ALSO LOVE SOUTH PARK.

FOR MUSIC, I LIKE RAP MUSIC, LIKE EMINEM, NIKKI MINAJ, ETC.

SO THATS ME. VERY NICE TO MEET ALL OF YOU. THANKS FOR READING MY INTRO POST.
WENDY AGE 23

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