lies, and more lies…

growing up
i watch my dad
love alcohol
more than he loved me
his little girl
i watched as he drank
himself into an oblivion
more times than i care to count
then the lies would start
dont tell mom
its just one drink
i can manage it
it has not taken me over
the sad thing was though
it had, and to this day
it still does
no he may not drink as much
but even getting sorosis of the liver
didnt stop him
he stayed away from drink for 4 years
but an invitation to a wedding and he was back on it again
lies, oh so many lies
broken promises
yes means no
maybe means never
i’m sorry means nothing at all

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DAMN, AND HE’S DONE IT, AGAIN

YEAH, GUYS, HE HAS, MY DAD, GONE AND FUCKING PISSED ME OFF AND HE’S LUCKY I DONT BEAT HIM WITH A FUCKING CHAIR OR SOMETHING, OK, THAT MIGHT BE A TAD O T T, BUT I AM THIS MAD WITH HIM, THAT I ACTUALLY COULD HARM HIM, SO I HAD TO GET OUT OF THE WAY!
EARLIER TODAY, MOM AND ME WERE FILLING OUT FORMS. THEY WERE FORMS ABOUT OUR BENEFITS. BEING A PRICK, AND THINKING HE KNOWS BEST, HE KEPT BUTTING IN, TELLING US WHAT TO DO, I TOLD HIM TO BUTT OUT NICELY, HE DIDNT, I YELLED AT HIM, HE YELLED AT ME, TRIGGERED THE HELL OUTA SOME OF THE YOUNGER INSIDERS HERE WITH HIS SUPER LOUD VOICE.
SO HE THEN PROCEEDS TO CALL MOM AND ME STUPID. AND HE SAID WE ARE THICK, AND TO LEAVE THE FORMS FOR HIM TO FILL OUT HIMSELF, BECAUSE WE HAVENT A CLUE WHAT WE ARE DOING.
BY THIS POINT, I WAS FURIOUS. I YELLED AT HIM SOME MORE, I COULD FEEL MY TEMPER RISING AND RISING. MY MOM HATES CONFLICT, SO SHE WAS TRYING TO BE THE PEACEMAKER.
IN THE END I WALKED OUT, I LEFT HIM GOING ON AND ON STILL ABOUT IT, TALKING TO NOBODY, AS BY THIS STAGE NOBODY WAS LISTENING TO HIM ANY MORE.
WHY IS MY FAMILY SO DISFUNCTIONAL, I FEEL SO ASHAMED OF HIS BEHAVIOUR AND OF MINE TOO…
HOW COULD HE CALL HIS OWN WIFE AND DAUGHTER THICK AND STUPID?
LIZ

update on dads health

dad got a letter today in the mail from his gastro doc. she wants to do the test where he has to drink barium is that how you spell it? anyway, he has to drink it and then do some other stuff, to see how his bowel muscles work. the thing is, he’s tried to have this test done twice already. and they didnt do it because he was in a flare up at the time. it hasnt gone away. he’s been in a UC flare up for weeks now. does anyone know if UC flare ups actually stop? or are they constant? i wasnt sure. anyway. he is supposed to have this done on november 2nd. he wants mom to call them today, again, typical man cant call himself to talk to them but yeah, he asked mom to call to see if they really want him to come in or if they just made an error in sending out the letter.
whatever happens, i hope his flare ups lessen soon. he’s in an awful amount of pain. he’s also supposed to start injections for his brittle bone, he takes meds already for it but the doc wants him to also be on injections. he hasnt started them yet, and when i asked him this morning if he thought he should ring his doctor, he was like no. so where do you go from there?
sigh. men!

third session with sarah and dad update

today we had our third session with sarah. we had a good session.
we told her all about getting the place on the independent living skills course. she congratulated us. said it was a great opportunity. of course she told us to mind ourselves because we are going to be so busy, dont forget to do self care things, was what she said.
we talked about when we could meet now that i’d be super busy all week every week. the only times i can meet her are either wednesday when i see dr barry or on friday afternoons. i really would prefer to see her on a different day than when I see dr. barry. the next time we meet it will be on a thursday, 3 weeks from now.
when i start the ILS course next week i’ll do one week then I’ll be off for a week bc they are on midterm.
so i’ll see her during the week I am off.
she said I sounded good today. like I am excited. and I am. She said I seemed ok. Its true I felt ok.
Update on my dad…he saw his gastroenterologist today. She didnt start him on any treatment for his bowel issue. She did however start him on injections for his brittle boan. She seemed to be worried about it, said his bones werent too good at all. she told him to continue the physio to retrain his bowel. his liver ultrasound came back ok, surprisingly. he does have fatty tissue though surrounding his liver. he came home and was disappointed that she didnt really do much. did you ask questions? i asked him. no not really was his answer. why not? i said. I couldnt be bothered. well dad, if you dont ask, you dont get answers.

Wet Friday morning

its a wet day outside this morning. very very wet.
I woke in the middle of the night, and I stayed up for about an hour. eventually I was able to go back to sleep.
I got up at 7 and mom washed my hair. I have an apt with my cpn sarah at 10:15. was meant to go volunteering after that but I don’t think I will go. its far too wet.
we’re supposed to get the end of a tropical storm in Ireland this weekend. so there will be high winds and lots of rain.
my dad is gone to his gastroenterologist this morning. he’s hoping she’ll start him on some sort of treatment. he’s pinned all his hopes on it so I hope he wont be disappointed.
he also had physio this week to retrain his bowel. the physio gave him exercises to do and a chart to mark off each time he goes to the bathroom.
my mom went with him. she’ll go in to the doctor with him and ask questions because he never does.

Quiet saturday

I slept really well last night. I decided to go to bed at 9 PM and read for a while. I ended up reading for 2 hours. The new Cathy Glass book is amazing! I’m already 11 chapters in to it. Its really good, a page turner.
Today I got up late. I woke when my dad came in to let nitro out and I gto up and ate breakfast but then went back to bed for a while. I didn’t have any plans for today so I didn’t have any reason not to.
I’m going to my uncles birthday party tonight. He was 40 yesterday, the family are throwing him a party tonight. It will be just family at it. It will be in his house. I’m not going to drink though because I am watching my weight.
Tomorrow I have plans to visit my friend rose. I’ll go in the afternoon after dinner, we usually have dinner early on Sunday. My sister had asked me to help her get her pictures off of her phone, and I already did that yesterday. It took a while. Half of her pictures were on I cloud and the rest were on her phone. She wanted me to put all of them onto a USB key.
I forgot to mention here the other day that my dad got another letter from the hospital, he has to go in next Thursday, to get another bowel examination, the same one that they did not do the last time because of the meds he was on.
They’ve decided now that they can do it so he has to go in at 1:30 on Thursday afternoon to have it done. He’s pleased that they decided they can now do it. Hopefully it will be a success and he’ll only have about 2 weeks to wait once its done before he sees the gastro doc again to see what treatment they’ll put him on.
Also moms brothers wife has bone cancer and she is not doing well at all. They’ve decided that she needs pain management so nurses are going to come into her home to sort that out, right now her husband that’s moms brother is trying to organise it. she was having kemo but they stopped that because her platelets are low and her blood cells the white ones are abnormal also. I think things are not looking good for her at all. Its very sad as she was only diagnosed a few weeks ago.

He can be so critical

sometimes my dad is such a dick head. yes, he can be an asshole. I love him most of the time, but not tonight.

He just made me feel like shit. Not that he’s not done that 1000 times in my life already, but did he really have to do it tonight when I was already feeling bad?

I was talking to mom tonight about nitro’s trainer coming to do some route training with us. She wanted to teach me how to get to the city centre from where I now live on the bus. I was nervous about it, but willing to try it out.

She wanted my mom to be there for the first time while she did the route just as far as the local bus stop with me. Just so my mom could help me practice it and get familiar with it.

So I was telling mom this. And my dad butts in with dont bother going, she’ll never do it. Lovely, dad. Thanks for having a little bit of confidence in my abilities.

So then he continues with why would you want to get the bus when you can get a taxi to where your going? I tried to say because I need to work Nitro more. Then he keeps on with well when nitro retires you shouldnt get another dog, you will never learn this bus route, dont even try.

What a fucking idiot! And now thanks to his very critical outburst I feel like fucking crap.

I wonder if everyone thinks I’m a failure because I dont do enough work with nitro? And I cant go a lot of places by myself?

Obviously my dad does.