Solstace ug

Today is the summer solstice, one of the worst days for us. Its because of SRA, for those who don’t know we are survivors of a cult, and survivors of ritualistic abuse, and the cult used the solstice as a time to abuse us, it was a major cult holiday.
We’ve been feeling off all evening. I ate to try to cope with how I was feeling. I got take away food, something I haven’t done since Christmas, I’m sorry I did that now. But I just wanted to purge the feelings, stuff them down. I didn’t want to have to feel them.
I haven’t slept great tonight. At least Anna got to have a phone check in with Eileen though. She texted Eileen yesterday because she was still feeling upset after receiving an unwanted email the night before, and even though wendy deleted it, she still felt bad. Eileen offered to have a phone check in with her, so we did last night. That felt good, reassuring, calming.
Eileen always knows how to make us feel safe.
She knows just what to say to be reassuring!
I just need to get through today in one piece!
I dont think I’m going to go into work. I don’t feel up to it. I just think I will go to my parents after my pa leaves this morning.
I need to try to take things easy today. Try to relax, and do some self care.

from Anna I emailed eileen!

My names Anna. Im 13.
Im so scared! I feel so out of it!
I wrote our therapist Eileen. I emailed her.
I told her I am nervous to write, I dont wanna bother her!
I feel so scared though!
A horrible person from our past contacted us and threatened me!
And I am so nervous maybe I should just respond to them. It would probably not be good, but maybe they’d go away then?
Willow and Wendy said no! They said not to do it!
So I wrote Eileen and I told her what happened and then I made some tea.
I hope I can go back to sleep but I dont know if I can!
Just feel out of sorts!
Anna who is 13

Virus-free. www.avg.com

Woke up feeling awful

I WOKE UP FEELING AWFUL. I THINK ITS THE FACT THAT THE SPRING EQUANOX JUST PASSED. I AM A SRA SURVIVOR, SRA STANDS FOR SATANIC RITUAL ABUSE, WE SURVIVED BEING IN A CULT FOR 11 YEARS. BEING IN THAT CULT WAS HELL. THEY TURN EVERYTHING ON ITS HEAD. GOOD DAYS ARE BAD. SPECIAL DAYS ARE MADE INTO DAYS OF TERROR. ALL HOLIDAYS ARE JUST SO AWFUL.
THIS MORNING I FEEL NUMB. I TRIED TO NAME MY FEELINGS BUT I CANT. I CANT GO THERE RIGHT NOW. I FEEL NUMB AND THERE IS A DULL ACHE IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH.
I WANT TO CRY, SCREAM, BUT I CANT. IM JUST AN UNFEELING MESS. TO FEEL IS TOO TERRIFYING.
I TOOK A SHOWER, MADE SOME TEA, AND ATE SOMETHING. THAT HAS HELPED A LITTLE. I THINK I NEED TO TAKE THINGS EASY THIS MORNING. NOT DO TOO MUCH. JUST GO SLOW. REMIND MYSELF THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE, AS THEY ALWAYS DO.
WE’RE GOING VOLUNTEERING LATER. CAROL ANNE WILL GO. I’M GOING TO STAY INSIDE I THINK. IT IS BEST IF I DO THAT.
FOR NOW THOUGH I’M GOING TO VEG IN FRONT OF THE TV.
LIZ

SNOW WHITE, A POEM, WITH BEE’S POETRY PROMPT!

HERE I AM UP AT 1 AM NOT ABLE TO SLEEP. SO I THOUGHT I’D WRITE. I THOUGHT I’D PARTICIPATE IN BEE’S BLOG PORMPT WHICH SHE POSTED A FEW DAYS AGO NOW. SO BELOW FIND MY POEM, MY SCRIBBLES, WITH THE PROMPT WORDS, SNOW WHITE!

IN A SNOW WHITE DRESS
SHE STANDS
BAREFOOT AND FEAR GRIPPING HER
TWISTING AND TURNING INSIDE OF HER
THE FEAR MULTIPLIES AS THE MEN ENTER
THEY WALK TOWARDS HER
PULL OFF HER SNOW WHITE DRESS
START TO TOUCH HER
IN WAYS SHE HATES
HURTING HER…
ABUSING HER…
CAUSING MORE FEAR TO GRIP HER HEART
HER DRESS LIES ON THE FLOOR
TORN AND TATTERED
BROKEN AND BRUISED
SHE TRIES TO FREE HERSELF
BUT ALAS SHE CANT
SO INSTEAD…
SHE DISSOCIATES
FLIES AWAY UP UP AND AWAY
ABOVE HER BODY SHE HOVERS
AND WAITS
WAITS FOR THIS TO JUST BE OVER

WILLOW

https://thebeewritesdownloads.wordpress.com/2018/12/24/snow-white-mondayprompt-for-week-2611-02122012/

FROM WILLOW, THERAPY TALK

SO THERAPY FOR ME TODAY WAS HARD. I CAME OUT AND ME AND EILEEN TALKED. I WAS SO NERVOUS, BECAUSE I HAD TO TALK ABOUT SOMETHING IMPORTANT. THAT IS, WE GOT AN EMAIL THE OTHER DAY FROM A PAST ABUSER. THEY WANTED US TO GO TO A RITUAL MEETING THIS COMING FRIDAY, ITS A RITUAL HOLIDAY THIS WEEK AND WE ALWAYS GET CONTACTED AROUND HOLIDAY TIMES. SO I TOLD EILEEN THAT WE’D BEEN CONTACTED. THAT LED TO A VERY HARD CONVERSATION BETWEEN US ABOUT THE DARKS AND WHY IT IS THAT THEY FEEL THEY NEED TO RESPOND TO THE ABUSERS CONTACTING US. I WAS FINDING IT VERY DIFFICULT TO TALK SO EILEEN GAVE ME A SLINKY TO HOLD, IT IS KINDA COOL, YOU CAN MAKE IT GO UP AND DOWN, ITS STRETCHY, I HELD THAT, AND I PLAYED WITH IT AND THEN THE WORDS CAME OUT EASIER. ITS JUST EASIER TO TALK WHEN MY HANDS ARE BUSY DOING SOMETHING. SO WE TALKED A LOT. I TOLD EILEEN THAT WE’D PUT A PLAN IN PLACE, LIZ AND CAROL ANNE ARE WATCHING ALL INCOMING EMAIL, AND OUT GOING EMAIL, AND ON FRIDAY WE’LL GO VOLUNTEERING IN THE AFTERNOON AND THEN WE ARE GOING STRAIGHT TO OUR MOM AND DADS FOR THE WEEKEND. WE DIDNT RESPOND TO THE ABUSERS EMAIL EITHER. SOME OF THE DARKS WANTED TO BUT WE WERE ABLE TO RESIST THE URGE. THANK GOD. ALL I EVER REMEMBER FROM BEFORE IS GOING THERE AND GETTING HURT, WHAT THE ABUSERS WOULD DO IS GET ONE OF THE DARKS TO GO THERE AND MEET THEM, AND THEN GET ANOTHER INSIDER MOSTLY IT WOULD BE A KID, TO COME OUT AND THEN THEY’D HURT SAID KID. SO IT WAS ALWAYS POINTLESS FOR US TO GO, THEY WERENT INTERESTED IN THE DARKS, ONLY TO CORRESPOND WITH THEM AND GET THEM TO GET US THERE. AFTER THAT THEY DIDNT CARE. EILEEN ASKED ME TODAY IF THE DARKS WHO BELIEVED THAT THEY DID CARE COULD SEE THAT ACTUALLY THEY DONT. I SAID NO, I DONT THINK THEY CAN. I THINK GIVEN HALF A CHANCE THEY’D STILL GO, AS THEY ARE PROGRAMMED TO DO THAT. SHE VALIDATED THEM AND SAID SHE CAN UNDERSTAND THEIR PAIN AND FRUSTRATION. SHE SAID WHEN THEY ARE READY TO TALK THAT SHE’LL BE THERE TO TALK TO THEM. SHE SAID SHE’D LOVE TO TALK TO THEM. I SAID I THINK THEY’LL BE READY SOON. THEY SEEM MORE AND MORE INTERESTED IN THERAPY AND IN WHAT WE’RE DOING. SO I HOPE THEY’LL COME OUT TO TALK TO HER SOON. IN THE MEANTIME WE JUST HAVE TO BE VIGILENT AND WATCH THINGS CLOSELY. THE LAST THING WE WANT IS FOR ANY OF US TO BE HURT.
WILLOW

Virus-free. www.avg.com

WHAT GROWING UP IN A CULT TAUGHT ME…

THIS IS LIZ AND I AM GOING TO WRITE ABOUT THE LESSONS WE LEARNED GROWING UP IN A CULT. FOR THOSE WHO MAY NOT KNOW I AM 16 AND AN ALTER IN OUR SYSTEM. AS A KID I WENT THROUGH MUCH PAIN TRAINING AND HAD TO PARTICIPATE IN A CULT AND IN IN MANY, MANY RITUALS FOR MUCH OF OUR CHILDHOOD. THIS HORRIFIC EXPERIENCE SCARRED ME FOR LIFE AND ALSO TAUGHT ME MANY THINGS, BELOW I WILL LIST SOME OF THEM.

What growing up in a cult taught me…

unquestioning obedience

a fear of nature and of the moon

to use nature to know when bad things are going to happen

children should silently do as they are told

crying gets you punished more

anytime you are wearing a white dress and flowers you are going to get sexually abused

ages 3, 5, 6, and 7, 13, 16, 19, 21, 27, 33, 37, 43,….. are a hazzard to life

children are animals, not people therefore its ok to kill them

things that go into the fire, do not return.

i am powerless against the cult

the preference is that you kill yourself so the cults hands are clean even though they instigated it

fear is a tool and so is anger

people come to the cult from all walks of life and with costumes for jobs they dont have thus trust noone

you cant hide, or run

pain training brings out angry alters or creates them

after a while you get numb to some things and twice as reactive to others

death is not real and lasting in all cases

never attach to anyone or any animal or it will be removed from you and killed

to believe in and fear black magick

to face death when you dont want to look