Feeling off right now. Feel a bit shit if I am honest. A bit wobbly. Unstable. And emotional.
Not sure what is wrong. I just feel, crappy.
I am gonna have to try to distract myself from the feelings…easier said than done.
I think stirring up all the memories today in therapy has set us off. I hope we’re not in for a night of it now. I feel like a torrent of flashbacks is coming. I don’t know how else to describe it. I just feel a little crazy.
God I hate this feeling. I want some stability. I want this month to end. I want out and away from October.
I feel like screaming. I feel sort of insane right now. Sort of like I’m manic. Or having very manic feelings. All crazy and mixed up.
so I’ve had a bit of a hard evening tonight. My friend has been very depressed and very low lately. For the last few days week even she’s been very down. I’ve been trying to help her through it.
Tonight she texted me at around 7 to say she had overdosed on paracetamol, she said she’d taken 30 tablets. I was so frightened for her, but I stayed calm. At first after she told me I asked her if she was going to ring her daughter who is her next of kin, she said no. So then I asked her if she’d go to the hospital to be seen by psych and she said no to that too.
I told her then that I’d ring an ambulance for her because I was really worried about her. She agreed to let me do this for her. So I rang, that was an experience in itself ringing an ambulance. They asked me a bunch of questions about her and I had to tell them that actually I was ringing from my own house and she wasnt with me. The operator asked me if she had a weapon and if she was violent, if she was conscious and awake, breathing etc. He asked me her age and what she’d taken. Most of what he was asking me I was able to answer. He asked me her sir name but I drew a blank, I could not for the life of me think of it.
I gave him her phone number and he said he was going to call her as soon as he hung up from me, he also said an ambulance was on its way.
I was so relieved! Finally she’d get help! I was so glad she’d texted me. She kept texting until they came and when she got to A and E she let me know she was there and being seen. She was moved to the medical ward a little while ago because there was damage to her liver from the meds. Right now she’s in the medical ward. She’ll be there for a few days I think. Then she’ll probably be transferred to the psych ward.
All I can think is what if I hadnt seen her text right away, sometimes I dont get messages right away if I am doing something or on the phone etc. It was genuinely a hard night for me, ringing the ambulance, talking with her over text, and just generally being there for her, but I am so glad she trusted me enough to confide in me as to what she’d done.
i dont feel good this morning. i am feeling extremely depressed. I woke up feeling that way. I am not sure why. Nothing happened to make me feel down. I just woke up feeling like I couldnt cope. I ate some breakfast. I wanted to just go back to bed but I pushed myself to stay up. I am reading blog posts now. It is helping. I wish I knew why I feel so low. But there is no rhyme or reason to it. I hate the bla feeling. Its an I couldnt care less sorta feeling. I just wish it would go away. I dont have plans for today. Maybe if i did I’d be better. I donno though just cant seem to get focused or motivated. I just want to veg. I just want to sleep too. I havent slept well at all. Last night was a write off. I couldnt sleep no matter what i did. Eventually at around 4 AM I fell asleep. After a lot of tossing and turning. I read my book for a while, but I could only read 2 chapters. I didnt feel up to reading any more of it. Thank god I have therapy tomorrow. It wont come quick enough.
we had an apt with dr. barry today as well. she had to see us today as she was doing something on wednesday that prevented her from seeing us then.
it was good to see her. i had a long wait before going in though which wasnt so good. but i got through it and it was all worth it in the end when i saw her.
we talked about therapy and i told her what we’d been doing today. she thought what we’d been doing was great. i was telling her about the insider who came out and was all confused and disorientated. i told her she couldnt answer any of eileens questions, all she kept saying was I dont know. dr. barry said maybe it would be good to try to figure out why she actually came out, like what brought her out. eileen though similarly. so i think we need to do that.
we talked about meds. dr. barry asked me if I am sure that none of our meds are being stockpiled or stored up. if they are being taken right. i said yes i am pretty sure they are.
then we started talking about her holiday which will be coming up soon. in a couple of weeks. dr. barry goes on holiday on august 13th until the 27th. there is one week where herself and eileens vacatins overlap. we were trying to brainstorm today to see what we could come up with for some extra support for us during that time.
at first dr. barry asked if I wanted to see one of the doctors on her team while she was away. I quickly said no to that. there are 3 male doctors on the team, 2 on the team and one locum covering while she’s on holiday. she knows i dont really like seeing male doctors so she didnt push it.
instead she said she’d ask sarah the community psychiatric nurse to check in with me that week the week that both her and eileen are away. i wasnt expecting her to do that. so it was nice that she offered and said she would. she said she’d tell her and also write her a note just in case she forgot to mention it to her. sarah is currently on holiday so she couldnt just tell her today.
it will be good that we’ll have someone to talk to while they are both on holiday. im so happy about that. i know sarah too which helps. we’ve seen her for a couple of sessions last year so she knows us and we know her.
dr. barry is a gem to put this in place for us. i really appreciate that she did that for us.
other than that the rest of the appointment was pretty much uneventful. we’ll see her again in two weeks, and the next time will be the last time before her two week vacation. however, i’m confident now that we’ll be ok and we’ll get through the vacation without any issues.
I just want to hide in a corner somewhere. I hate adulting.
Feel so uncomfortable. Everything feels hard right now.
I wish someone would give me a hug. I feel so unsafe.
Think I need to go hide now
I WANT AN END TO THE PAIN, I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANY MORE, I WANT OUT, I WANT OUT NOW. I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE. I CANT I CANT. IM DROWNING. IM SINKING FAST. LIFE FEELS JUST SO UNBEARABLE.
SIRENA AGE 16
I FEEL IT THE URGE TO CUT THE URGE TO HURT MYSELF
IT IS STRONG AND I AM WEAK
IT IS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, NOBODY IS UP
I AM ALONE. ALONE AND SCARED. AND WISHING I COULD BE NUMB.
JUST NUMB THE PAIN AWAY, ITS THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE RIGHT NOW