NERVOUS ABOUT WHAT DR. BARRY WILL SAY NEXT WEEK

ITS WILLOW. I’M SOO NERVOUS TO TALK TO DR. BARRY NEXT WEEK. I’M SO ANXIOUS ABOUT WHAT SHE IS GOING TO SAY. SHE WONT BE HAPPY WITH ME. ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE KNOWS I STOCKPILED MEDS AND NOW WE HAVE NONE AND ARE OFF OF OURS. SHE’LL PROBABLY BE MAD. I WISH I DIDNT HAVE TO TELL HER WHAT I DID. I’M JUST SO ANXIOUS ABOUT IT. I FEEL LIKE I AM DISAPPOINTING HER. AND WHAT IF SHE WONT TRUST US AGAIN NOW, IT WILL BE ALL MY FAULT IF SHE DOESNT. CAROL ANNE SAYS SHE THINKS IT’LL BE OK, THAT SHE’LL BE PLEASED WE COULD BE HONEST WITH HER ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED. I HOPE SHE’S RIGHT. I’M STILL FEELING SUICIDAL ON AND OFF. NO ACTIVE PLANS THOUGH. JUST FEELINGS. JUST FEELING SO LOW AND LIKE I DONT WANT TO BE HERE. LIKE IT WOULD BE BETTER AND WE’D ALL BE BETTER OFF IF I WASNT. BUT I DO REALISE THAT IF I KILL THE BODY THEN I WILL KILL ALL OF US AND I DONT WANT TO MAKE OTHER INSIDERS SUFFER JUST BECAUSE IM SUFFERING. THAT ISNT FAIR OF ME. SO I AM STRUGGLING ON ALONE. WENDY AND LIZ ARE BOTH HELPING ME BY TALKING TO ME ABOUT MY FEELINGS. IT DOES HELP A LITTLE BIT.
WILLOW

I WANNA TEAR OFF MY SKIN RIGHT NOW!

GAWD GUYS, I FEEL, LIKE, SHIT!
I WANNA RIP OFF MY ENTIRE SKIN! I CANT STAND IT!
THE ANXIETYS REALLY AND I MEAN REALLY FUCKING BAD RIGHT NOW!NOT SURE WHY, NO CLUE, JUST, JUST THAT ITS FUCKING PURE HELL.
AND I CANT TAKE IT NOT FOR ANOTHER MINUTE!
I’M ALL OUT OF OPTIONS FOR COPING SKILLS, I’VE TRIED THEM ALL!
UG UG UG THIS FUCKING BLOWS!
LIZ

IM OUT AND WE ARENT IN CRISIS

I AM OUT NOW AND WE ARE NOT IN CRISIS. I AM WATCHING TV. AND GIGGLING SO MUCH AT IT! IM WATCHING JUDGE JUDY. SHE’S SOOO FUNNY! THE CONTESTANTS ARE JUST SO STUPID. I MEAN WHY GO TO COURT OVER SOME PETTY THINGS, MOST OF THEM ARE SUEING FOR ONLY A COUPLE HUNDRED DOLLARS. I LOVE JUDGE JUDYS SENSE OF HUMOUR THOUGH. I DONT THINK SHE EVEN MEANS TO BE FUNNY HALF OF THE TIME. IT FEELS GREAT TO BE ABLE TO JUST COME OUT AND SIT DOWN AND WATCH A TV SHOW. NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT US FALLING APART OR WONDERING WHEN THE NEXT WAVE OF DEPRESSION OR TERROR WILL HIT US. I ACTUALLY AM FEELING GOOD. AND I FEEL HAPPY. LONG MAY IT LAST.
LIZ

FROM LIZ STILL STRUGGLING

IM STILL STRUGGLING THINGS HAVENT CHANGED FOR ME SIGH I DONNO WHEN OR IF THEY WILL IT JUST SUCKS TO BE STRUGGLING SOOOO MUCH
WHY DOES IT HAVE TO ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME?
I DONT UNDERSTAND WHAT I EVER DID TO DESERVE THIS SIGH
LIZ

we’re in for a bumpy ride…

its 11:15 PM. almost may 1st. almost midnight.
i can feel my heart rate rising, i can feel the panic of some of the children inside rising. they are very afraid.
im trying my best to comfort them. im trying to let them know i am here, and i will protect them.
not easy when you are feeling like a failure. like you cant protect yourself so how can you protect them?
god. i hate this night. i really just want to sleep. but im thinking i am probably not going to sleep much tonight.
if you can send good vibes prayers thoughts to me that will be very much appreciated by me and by all fo us.