I HATE LIFE. I HATE MY ABUSERS. I HATE EVERYTHING. I WANT TO GIVE UP. I’M SO PISSED. I WANT TO BREAK EVERYTHING IN THIS DAMN ROOM. FUCKING ABUSERS THEY ARE SCUM. CONSTANTLY HARASSING US. GETTING US ALL RILED UP. HARD NOT TO GET RILED UP. I JUST WANT TO FUCKING DIE. I REALLY REALLY DO. I AM DONE. I AM SO FUCKING DONE. BEAT DOWN AND DONE. LIFE SUCKS. MY LIFE IS PATHETIC. I AM A FAILURE. I COULDNT EVEN SUCCEED AT ENDING IT.
PIXIE AGE 21
today i went to a fabulous conference on mental health. it was called whose mind is it anyway and was given by people from the charity shine, who run the basement club. there were a couple of really great presenters speaking at it. one presentation was on psychotic symptoms and the treatment of psychosis. another was on open dialogue, which is a relatively new concept in ireland, having been started in finland over 30 years ago. i liked the concept of the open dialogue model. it talks about professionals and clients working in collaboration with one another. with a view to the professional listening, really listening to what the clients experiences are. also the clients social network and family are encouraged to get involved. even other people they might be working with like occupational therapists, psychotherapists etc. it sounds absolutely wonderful in theory. there was a presentation on it if anyone is interested let me know and i can show you the slides. also if your interested in having the powerpoint presentation on psychosis let me know give me your email or send me an email and i can send it to you. overall i thoroughly enjoyed myself today. i got a lot out of going. i learned a lot. there was even time for Q and A at the end. People had some wonderful questions, although I didnt ask any myself.
so i found out that the college i go to is closed today. so i have no classes tonight. so that gives me time to get caught up on my reflective learning journal, of which i have two weeks to catch up on, but am i doing that? noooo, of course I’m not. I’m procrastinating.
Kristen came this morning…it was her second last day of working with us. She did some cleaning, went to starbux for us, and helped us make breakfast. we got a pumpkin spice latte in starbux. it was delicious, my first one of the season.
i decided to go stay with mom and dad tonight and tomorrow night. i’m going to see dr. barry tomorrow morning, and then in the afternoon I’m going to a conference on mental health, run by the counselling service at the basement club. my friend norma is coming with me. it should be good. the theme of it is mind your mind.
i read this morning on facebook that another storm is set to hit us at the weekend. not as bad as ophelia but still bad enough with high winds and lots of rain. thats all we need…
I am cloaked in pain
swamped and sinking
under its heavy weight
it feels insurmountable
like i’ll never recover
why does it have to feel this way?
so big, so painful
feeling so alone
I start to panic
can I do this?
Will I survive?
Or will the pain win?
so yeah, its not a good morning. we left respite and came back to mom and dads. and now we are spiraling. the system is in chaos. we are really regressed. flitting in and out of really bad dissociative episodes. its horrible. feeling quite detached, numb, foggy, not quite there, depersonalisation at its finest. anxietys through the roof too. probably not helped by the very little sleep we got last night.
will be seeing sarah in an hour. plan on telling her everything. not sure what she’ll say or do. she may refer us to the weekend team. i dont know. part of me thinks that is pointless. i mean what can they really do? besides hospitalise us and i am not being hospitalised. no way. i am starting college next week. i need to just suck it up and be ok.
i should be able to be ok. it shoudnt be that hard. why is it so hard to ground? i am trying literally everything. nothing is working right now. perhaps sarah can help us regroup and ground. i hope so.
so in case you wondered about who wrote the post earlier where we wanted to cut? it was liz. some of you who know us well might have know it was her. she forgot to sign her name at the end though. but she did write in all caps which is her style of writing so people may have guessed who wrote it.
we all tried to help her well ok not all but some of us did some of the teen insiders did. me, amy, alexa, Tristan, asher, cora, wendy, willow, ro, jade, etc.
she listened to music and read a book. we also made some tea and watched a little tv with surprise of surprises our dad. he was in a chatty mood which was nice. we watched the six o’clock news, that was kind of depressing but we do like to know what is going on in the world.
this weekend is going to be very low key. I intend on finishing a Maggie Hartley book that I’ve been reading called who will love me now. I also intend on catching up on some shows I like on tv, doing something creative, maybe going to visit my friend if I feel up to it.
Anyone got a good idea for a creative craft?
Do any of my readers do art? If you do what kind do you like to do?
What tv shows do you like to watch on tv?
The shows I am watching are shows that I will need to watch during the day because they relate to crime and so I cant watch them by night.
What is the weather like this weekend in your part of the world?
Its actually sunny here today rare for September. Its about 16 degrees c not sure what that is in degrees f.
I’M COMING OUT OF MY SKIN. EVERYTHING JUST FEEL SO OVERWHELMING. I WANT TO CUT. I NEED TO CUT. I CANT TAKE ANOTHER MINUTE OF THIS. THIS PAIN IS JUST FUCKING INSANE. I AM GOING OUT OF MY MIND. I NEED TO RELEASE SOME OF THIS PAIN. I HAVE TO FEEL BLOOD. IT WILL MAKE ME FEEL BETTER. I CANT BEAT THIS. I SUCK.