i dont feel good this morning. i am feeling extremely depressed. I woke up feeling that way. I am not sure why. Nothing happened to make me feel down. I just woke up feeling like I couldnt cope. I ate some breakfast. I wanted to just go back to bed but I pushed myself to stay up. I am reading blog posts now. It is helping. I wish I knew why I feel so low. But there is no rhyme or reason to it. I hate the bla feeling. Its an I couldnt care less sorta feeling. I just wish it would go away. I dont have plans for today. Maybe if i did I’d be better. I donno though just cant seem to get focused or motivated. I just want to veg. I just want to sleep too. I havent slept well at all. Last night was a write off. I couldnt sleep no matter what i did. Eventually at around 4 AM I fell asleep. After a lot of tossing and turning. I read my book for a while, but I could only read 2 chapters. I didnt feel up to reading any more of it. Thank god I have therapy tomorrow. It wont come quick enough.
we had an apt with dr. barry today as well. she had to see us today as she was doing something on wednesday that prevented her from seeing us then.
it was good to see her. i had a long wait before going in though which wasnt so good. but i got through it and it was all worth it in the end when i saw her.
we talked about therapy and i told her what we’d been doing today. she thought what we’d been doing was great. i was telling her about the insider who came out and was all confused and disorientated. i told her she couldnt answer any of eileens questions, all she kept saying was I dont know. dr. barry said maybe it would be good to try to figure out why she actually came out, like what brought her out. eileen though similarly. so i think we need to do that.
we talked about meds. dr. barry asked me if I am sure that none of our meds are being stockpiled or stored up. if they are being taken right. i said yes i am pretty sure they are.
then we started talking about her holiday which will be coming up soon. in a couple of weeks. dr. barry goes on holiday on august 13th until the 27th. there is one week where herself and eileens vacatins overlap. we were trying to brainstorm today to see what we could come up with for some extra support for us during that time.
at first dr. barry asked if I wanted to see one of the doctors on her team while she was away. I quickly said no to that. there are 3 male doctors on the team, 2 on the team and one locum covering while she’s on holiday. she knows i dont really like seeing male doctors so she didnt push it.
instead she said she’d ask sarah the community psychiatric nurse to check in with me that week the week that both her and eileen are away. i wasnt expecting her to do that. so it was nice that she offered and said she would. she said she’d tell her and also write her a note just in case she forgot to mention it to her. sarah is currently on holiday so she couldnt just tell her today.
it will be good that we’ll have someone to talk to while they are both on holiday. im so happy about that. i know sarah too which helps. we’ve seen her for a couple of sessions last year so she knows us and we know her.
dr. barry is a gem to put this in place for us. i really appreciate that she did that for us.
other than that the rest of the appointment was pretty much uneventful. we’ll see her again in two weeks, and the next time will be the last time before her two week vacation. however, i’m confident now that we’ll be ok and we’ll get through the vacation without any issues.
I just want to hide in a corner somewhere. I hate adulting.
Feel so uncomfortable. Everything feels hard right now.
I wish someone would give me a hug. I feel so unsafe.
Think I need to go hide now
I WANT AN END TO THE PAIN, I DONT WANT TO BE HERE ANY MORE, I WANT OUT, I WANT OUT NOW. I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE. I CANT I CANT. IM DROWNING. IM SINKING FAST. LIFE FEELS JUST SO UNBEARABLE.
SIRENA AGE 16
I FEEL IT THE URGE TO CUT THE URGE TO HURT MYSELF
IT IS STRONG AND I AM WEAK
IT IS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, NOBODY IS UP
I AM ALONE. ALONE AND SCARED. AND WISHING I COULD BE NUMB.
JUST NUMB THE PAIN AWAY, ITS THE ONLY WAY TO SURVIVE RIGHT NOW
MY MOODS NOT GREAT. WE RESTARTED OUR MEDS FOR OUR SEIZURES ONE OF THEM IS DEPOCATE. HALF OF THAT IS FOR OUR MOOD. I WONDER HOW LONG IT WILL TAKE BEFORE IT STARTS TO KICK IN. WE’VE STARTED OUT ON A LOW DOSE.
JUST FEEL SO BLA TONIGHT. BUT ITS JUST ME WHO IS FEELING IT. THE REST OF THE SYSTEM ARE DOING JUST FINE.
dr. barry said today that she wants us to come in next week, instead of in two weeks time. normally our apts are two weeks apart. they have been that way for a while. we used to go weekly. and after christmas we decided to try going bi weekly. its working ok, or i thought it was. but now i’m not so sure. i know our attachment issues kicked up a notch. we still feel insecure when she’s on vacation. or if we dont see her every two weeks. and with the recent suicidal stuff, i’m starting to wonder, if insiders wanted to do stuff to try to get her to see us more often again. today when she said that under the circumstances we should come back next week people were secretly happy. im not going to name names here but there were a good number of insiders who breathed a sigh of relief when she said that. so that makes me wonder? are we really ok seeing her less often? i dont think we are. i think its something we need to talk about with her. she cant really do anything about it, because she isnt able to sustain seeing us weekly, her clinic is too busy, she has a lot of patients. and we are the only one she sees regularly, all of her other patients are lucky to see her once a year, they have to deal with junior doctors, not us though, we always see dr. barry. that was recommended in our report when we were diagnosed with did. i knew our attachment issues were strong on this matter but i didnt think it was this bad. or maybe i did and i just ignored it. i’m starting to think there is a lot that i didnt know about the system. a lot i’m not so aware of. and i’m also learning that some of the older insiders, like willow, like liz, like wendy, insiders who i thought would never attach to either eileen or dr. barry are starting to really attach, and they feel abandoned, left alone, insecure when they dont see them for a while. i know thats not a bad thing. its just really really surprising. im going to make this issue a priority in therapy too. we need to discuss this going forward.