Emily. I’m so triggered by what we ate

so carol anne decided to get a take out meal for dinner. i feel so full up now. thats a huge trigger to me. i hate feeling so full. it makes me feel like I need to purge. I am trying not to do it. I am trying to distract. But I am so triggered by the amount of food that they gave us in our portion. It was taco fries and a kebab. All very fatty food. Its been about 7 months since we ate take out food of any sort. The last time we ate a take away meal was on our birthday in april. So we dont eat that kinda food very often. Im trying to remember that. But Im so upset. And so so triggered. Its not good. I dont want to weigh in this week. So carol anne said we can skip slimming world this week. She said we dont have to go. I’m glad. I dont think we’d have lost anything and that would have sent me into a spiral. So I am glad we’re taking a break this week.
butterfly hugs
emily age 12

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Crisis averted!

so at the weekend I got myself in a bit of a mess. I was fixing my money. I took out my money for the week, the money I use for taxi’s etc. I said I’d leave it behind when I went to the gym, just in case something happened to my bad, while I was there.
So I left it on a shelf in my bedroom at moms house.
Then on sunday when I was going home I forgot to get it and put it back in my purse.
I was going mental thinking what will I do now. How will I have money for the week?
Luckily my dad was going to visit his brother in the nursing home this afternoon. My sister was dropping him there. So he was able to bring the money to me and drop it off with me.
Thanks dad! What would I do without you!
He just dropped it off a few mins ago. Crisis averted!
When he knocked on my door nitro went crazy barking! He never does that! Never! He must’ve got a bit of a fright when my dad started banging on the door.
I’m so glad now that I sorted it out and I have my money for the week again!

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Dr. Barry apt. Making a plan

so saw dr. barry this morning. it was a good apt.

we talked a lot about the accident. i filled her in on what happened. she was shocked! she said how lucky we all were to survive and that none of us were seriously injured.

we talked about the ptsd symptoms I am experiencing. she said its quite normal to have them. that if I didnt there would be something seriously wrong. she said its now a question of if they persist, what should we do about it.

she decided to give me some PRN meds to help me sleep. she has put me on haldol prn. she told me to take it for 3 nights, but no more than that, like, dont take it for more than 3 consecutive nights running. but she said i could take it as needed, just that if i need it more than 3 nights, that i need to take a break before taking more of it. so she’s put me on 5 mg tablets. so we’ll see how they work.

she said if things dont improve she will consider putting me on an SSRI like prozac, which is now used in the treatment of ptsd. she said antianxilitics arent really used in the treatment of ptsd. so she wouldnt be giving me any of those. it was a good conversation that we had.

we talked about the support I have right now from sarah the CPN. I had her support due to the time of year. so Im finishing up with her now, for now at least. She will phone me one more time though. I only had phone support from her, not in person support.

we talked about halloween. i told her it was hard for me these past few nights. she said all things considered we are doing well. i agreed. we’re managing even though its super hard.

i told her about starting the mental health in the community course on 5th december. so i’ll have to move my apts to a wednesday afternoon. i asked her if that would be ok. she said yes of course. she said doing the course will be good for me. and its 3 hours a week so manageable. she congratulated me on applying.

i said I am very happy that I applied. And I think it will benefit me in my volunteering. so Im happy im doing it.

So now we have a plan. Take the haldol for now. 5 mg when I need it. Maybe go on an SSRI like prozac if needs be if things dont improve. And maybe see sarah for more support in the future if I need some extra support.

She said she’d see me again in two weeks time. We still havent moved to the new building. It may even be january now before we move. Just not sure. No ones sure really what is happening. But I guess we’ll see. Just take things one step at a time.

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I cant go on, someone help

hhihihihi everybody
im so sad. i realy wanna die. i dont feel i can go on. i feel so sad and my heart is hurting. i just feel so scared and so sad.

i cant take the pressure. everything is so overwhelming. my head hurts. my chest is tight. my heart pounds. my stomach is feeling puky. i feel like im going to be sick. it feels icky.

this is a awful time of year. i remember realy bad things. about rituals. and memories of abuse. and people who hurt us. and did real bad things to us.

the memories wont stop. they come at night. and now it is night time. its almost 9 pm. im scared. scared to go to sleep. scared of the dark. scared of everything.

someone make it stop. im afraid to go near the pills. cuz what if i take them all? i feel like i could. its hard to keep going on. its hard not to just give in. i am trying hard. trying to fight it.

butterfly hugs
Loves you,
Emily age 12

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Life is hard tonight

Im swimming in pain right now. Grief. Pain and memories and trauma. Ug. This is hard. This is shit. I feel like crap.

Im trying to distract. I have a show on tv and Im trying to watch it. Its not really working. Think now is the time I wish I had some meds that’d knock me out. Some PRN meds.

I used to take Haldol PRN. But now I don’t. Now I wish I did.

I may ask dr. barry for some tomorrow. I hope she’ll ok it.

I really wish I did not feel so bad. It feelsjust so horrible.

Feel wobbly

Feeling off right now. Feel a bit shit if I am honest. A bit wobbly. Unstable. And emotional.

Not sure what is wrong. I just feel, crappy.

I am gonna have to try to distract myself from the feelings…easier said than done.

I think stirring up all the memories today in therapy has set us off. I hope we’re not in for a night of it now. I feel like a torrent of flashbacks is coming. I don’t know how else to describe it. I just feel a little crazy.

God I hate this feeling. I want some stability. I want this month to end. I want out and away from October.

I feel like screaming. I feel sort of insane right now. Sort of like I’m manic. Or having very manic feelings. All crazy and mixed up.

Crisis with a friend

so I’ve had a bit of a hard evening tonight. My friend has been very depressed and very low lately. For the last few days week even she’s been very down. I’ve been trying to help her through it.
Tonight she texted me at around 7 to say she had overdosed on paracetamol, she said she’d taken 30 tablets. I was so frightened for her, but I stayed calm. At first after she told me I asked her if she was going to ring her daughter who is her next of kin, she said no. So then I asked her if she’d go to the hospital to be seen by psych and she said no to that too.
I told her then that I’d ring an ambulance for her because I was really worried about her. She agreed to let me do this for her. So I rang, that was an experience in itself ringing an ambulance. They asked me a bunch of questions about her and I had to tell them that actually I was ringing from my own house and she wasnt with me. The operator asked me if she had a weapon and if she was violent, if she was conscious and awake, breathing etc. He asked me her age and what she’d taken. Most of what he was asking me I was able to answer. He asked me her sir name but I drew a blank, I could not for the life of me think of it.
I gave him her phone number and he said he was going to call her as soon as he hung up from me, he also said an ambulance was on its way.
I was so relieved! Finally she’d get help! I was so glad she’d texted me. She kept texting until they came and when she got to A and E she let me know she was there and being seen. She was moved to the medical ward a little while ago because there was damage to her liver from the meds. Right now she’s in the medical ward. She’ll be there for a few days I think. Then she’ll probably be transferred to the psych ward.
All I can think is what if I hadnt seen her text right away, sometimes I dont get messages right away if I am doing something or on the phone etc. It was genuinely a hard night for me, ringing the ambulance, talking with her over text, and just generally being there for her, but I am so glad she trusted me enough to confide in me as to what she’d done.

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