Dr. Barry apt

Well I saw dr. barry. We had a great apt. I discussed everything thats been going on for me with her. My symptoms, the anxiety, depression and dissociation. I laid it all out on the table. Told her exactly how I’ve been doing, how I am feeling etc. She listened, and she was very sympathetic.

After talking through everything, she asked me if I’d like to go on something to help with the depression. I said yes I thought that would be a good idea. She said we can try sertraline, or prozac, and how did I feel about going on one of these? I said I would try anything as long as it doesnt make me gain weight. She said then in that case she’d prescribe prozac for me, as that was the least likely to make me gain weight.

She said we’d need to start on 20 mg, and we can increase it to 40 mg over the next couple of weeks. I did tell her I am having a lot of trouble remembering meds, and she knows thats an ongoing issue for me. I said I’d put reminders in my phone, and also that I would ask my mom to help me remember to take them. She said that would be a great idea. I told her that when I had the kidney infection recently my mom had helped me by reminding me to take my antibiotics.

We talked about me missing my last apt. I told her I just couldnt come in due to being so ill with a kidney infection. She told me she’d also been ill on the day of the apt. She had food poisoning and was out and so I would not have seen her if I’d gone in. I felt better knowing she wasnt there on that day, somehow that was a comfort to me. I dont want her to be ill, but knowing I didnt actually miss out on an appointment with her felt good.

We talked about college, I told her what happened with my project. We talked too about the new work initiative that the NCBI are starting, and I told her I was going to participate, she was very positive about it, saying it was a great initiative and would give me great experience, pretty much she said it was a terrific opportunity and I should grab it. She said if things deteriorate I can always pull out of it. I agreed. I’m glad she knows how things are now, so she can keep a close eye on things over the coming weeks.

I’m seeing her again in two weeks. I also got my shot today. I think that will also help. I always feel quite good a day or two after I get it. So I am hoping thats the case again for me this time around.

I feel good though after seeing dr. barry. I feel positive. I feel glad that I was able to tell her everything, and now we have a plan, and I hope the prozac will help my mood and the related depression symptoms.

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tuesday morning ramble

i’m having a pretty good tuesday. despite my low mood, i slept well last night. i seem to be sleeping a lot lately. thats always the way when my mood is low though. i either sleep too much then, and then sometimes i cant sleep at all. there is no balance. yesterday a nurse called kay from the weekend team called me. she wasnt very good. she basically stayed on the phone for all of two minutes. she just asked me if i was safe, and when i told her I was she just said if I needed anything to ring them before 5 PM. and that was it. short and sweet. I missed michelles thoroughness. apparently this nurse seemed to think i didnt want to talk to her. which wasnt true at all. i would have talked to her if she’d have tried to engage with me. the rest of yesterday was spent packing for hospital. my mom helped me to do that. my bag is packed now, with everything that i will need. this morning my pa kristen was back, and I told her I would be going into hospital. she cleaned my house and made me breakfast and we chatted for a while. it was so good to have her back. i’m at the basement club now, and I’ll stay here for the rest of the day until around 4 PM. I didnt want to stay home and isolate. I prefer to come in and chat to other members, have some company. I’m feeling pretty down today. Flat and bla and just like everything is a huge effort. I hate when I feel like that. Looking forward to seeing dr. barry tomorrow. Am really missing eileen, will probably text her later today to tell her about going into hospital.

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I am bored so am writing

my emotions are still all over th e place. so i spent some time with nitro…cuddling him. that always helps. i was good though, i ate a very healthy breakfast, of banana and an orange. so my day food wise is off to a good start. thats not to say i wont have my chocolate fix later this afternoon, because i sure will! nitro is making me giggle, he is sitting by the window waiting for my dad to take him walking. he hears him outside and he’s whimpering and whining. he just loves going out and when he’s at my parents my dad always takes him out walking. i’m waiting for someone from the weekend team to call me. michelle asked me what time i wanted a call at, i said 11 so hoping they kinda stick to that time. it helps to know when you’ll be called. now if only i knew who was calling my nerves would be settled. i’m a little bit anxious about the call. bank holidays are always so boring. there literally is nothing to do. i suppose i should be trying to relax and enjoy the chill out time. but i’m anci and just bored. really i need to charge up my electronics for the hospital. my mp3 player, etc. i found an old mp3 player the other day, that i had for years but havent used in about six years. its a creative zen player. it was pretty expensive when i bought it. i noticed there was music on it when i plugged it in to charge. will look forward to checking all of it out when its fully charged.

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When you just. need. your. therapist

We got really triggered last night. So much so that we rang our therapist. She wasnt available. I thought as much when I picked up the phone to call her. She lectures on a Monday evening. So I just left a jumbled message, telling her we were triggered, and needed to hear her voice, we needed to connect with her. About 30 minutes later she called me. And we talked. And it felt so good and so reassuring. She couldnt talk for long, she was going to her class. But she told me I could call her today and we could have more time then to discuss things. Only that didnt work out either. I had to go see my doctor at the time we were meant to talk. She and I texted back and forth for a little bit. But we never really got to talk. I told her I’d be ok and I could wait until Thursday at our regular session time. The truth is though I feel needy. Like I was counting on talking to her today. Getting some things out. And I didnt and I feel child like and vulnerable and sad. Small, and disappointed. Its nobodys fault things just didnt work out. So why do I feel like life is going against me? Like maybe I’m meant to keep all the bad stuff inside? Like I shouldnt share it with anyone? Not even my therapist who I really trust?