The iminent therapy break

well, we have a two week therapy break, eileen goes on holiday at the end of this week. for two weeks. so we dont see her again until the 29th. we’re finding it tough if I am honest. Breaks are always tough for all of us. We’re very attached to eileen, and being separated from her for any length of time is hard on us. During our session on Monday she helped the kids to make a calendar so that they can count down the days until she returns. they loved doing that. they think she’s so cool because she has all these cool stickers, glitter pens, and stuff. they kept saying to her that we should do more art. she agreed we should. i think she was just as excited as they were. taylor and lexi had a lot of fun helping to stick on the butterflies and flowers onto the calendar. most of our session was taken up with making that and just general chit chat, light chat with a little about feelings and stuff thrown in for good measure. taylor told her she had felt sad over the weekend, and eileen told her to think of what she’d say, eileen would say, when she feels sad. so then they got on to talking about the types of things that she thinks eileen would tell her. it was so sweet. the break will be ok, i keep telling myself that. i keep trying to reassure myself that we’ll manage it, its only two weeks, after all. we can do it. we can cope. in no time at all we’ll see her again. i’m sure there will be some rough days, but eileen told us to try to make as many plans ahead of time as possible. so we’re tryihg to do that. and she told me to ask dr. barry if she could see me next week, while she’s away. normally I see dr. barry every two weeks. but eileen asked me to ask her if there is a chance she can let me come in next week as well as the following week just as a one off. I’m sure she’ll agree to this. She knows how much we depend on herself and on eileen. When either of them is away, the other one usually falls in and gives us more support. So I am pretty sure she’ll ok that. I got some recordings of Eileen talking, and I also have some soothing sounds of the sea she sent us, and some guided imagery exercises that she made for us too. So thats all good. I’m sure it will all be ok, we’ll hope so anyway. Therapy breaks do suck though. Eileen did tell us she’s going to spain on her holidays, she knows we like to know where she’s at. We told her we’d google the area, to find out some info about it, she was fine with that, she even told us what airport she is flying into. So its good I am glad we have that info. Makes her seem less far away from us.


She has a secret!

And I dont like it! I dont like secrets!

She wouldnt tell us where she’s going next week for her conference on EMDR! She said we dont need to worry about where it is going to be on at!

But we do worry! We wanna know she’s ok and safe!

We arent trying to be nosey in asking!

I dont like having secrets! They are triggering to me!

So I emailed her. Here is what I said.

how come you didnt want to tell us where you’ll be next week, where the conference is at?
are you worried we’ll do something bad with the information?
we just wanted to know you are going to be ok!
we worry about you when your not nearby. we werent trying to be nosey when we asked.
we dont like secrets. its triggering to us.
chance and some of the teens

I hope she’ll get back to me! Even if she still wont tell me, I want her to know that acting like its some huge secret is a huge trigger for us.


Closing down the memories

Today in therapy was spent just chit chatting. We didnt do any intense work. Eileen said it would be better if we didnt. I actually had some time to talk to her for the first time in weeks. That felt so good. I was glad I had some time, as I needed to tell her about the new meds I am now on. She was kinda floored when I told her I am now taking prozac. I hadnt told her that before. She was like, did you not think it would be something I needed to know? I said yes, of course I did, but I havent been out and around, I havent really been talking to you lately. She said she understood that. So we talked about meds, and she wrote down which ones I am now on. Then we did some EMDR, where we did an exercise to shut down the memories, it was hard, but I managed to do it. I thought of them as windows, and I thought of myself closing all of them, Eileen said we needed a break. She said since she’s not there next monday that we could have a break, as its summer now. We are having a session next week, on Wednesday. But I think it will be more of the same, more light chit chat. Thats ok with me. We talked about gratitude, and she asked me what I value in my life. That was an interesting exercise. Its not often we talk about things that I am grateful for. So it was so nice to be able to just do that. Then I told her about my results in college. A beautiful thing happened after I told her. She hugged me and said, I am so proud of you. She said, you have the extra challenge of not being able to see, yet you thrive, you are intelligent, you learn and you love learning, and you are doing so well. I felt like I was on air. It was so nice to hear her say, I am so proud of you. It felt warm and safe, sootheing, and comforting. So that was basically the session in a nutshell. As I said we dont have another one until next wednesday. Eileen is at an EMDR conference next week on Monday and Tuesday. I asked her where it was but she wouldnt tell me, although she did say its not in cork, I am not sure why she wouldnt tell me where it was, but she said I didnt need to worry about that. So I let it go. I’ll try not to worry, I know she’ll be ok, and she’ll be learning a ton of good stuff that she can share with us when she returns.


This is chance, therapy this past week

my name is chance. im 13. i wanted to talk about therapy this past week. on monday we went. it started out with willow talking, willow told eileen that some of the dark kids in our system were struggling, me and my two buddies anna and astra were struggling a lot over the weekend. i get angry a lot. im angry at everything and everyone. especially at our abusers. i want to do something really bad to them well if i could i would. i dont really care about anyone or anything. im just angry all of the time. its tiring though being so angry so much. plus everyone is scared of me. i only have anna and astra to keep me company. they get angry too. we’re all 13 the 3 of us are 13. so eileen was nice about it, she said we had a right to feel anger. she welcomed it. willow told her that i wanted to email her but she wouldnt let me because she didnt want me to say harsh things in the email to eileen. eileen said she shouldnt try to sensor me. that it would be ok if i emailed her. that its ok if i am angry in the email. willow still wasnt sure. she didnt want to upset eileen. eileen kept telling her not to worry, that she could handle it. then i decided im going to talk to eileen. i just felt like she’d get it. she’d understand. so i did. and it was great. she’s really cool. she talked to me about my anger. and about the abusers being such assholes. about how they hurt us and how that was so wrong. so that was nice. she had me pick out stones to represent my anger and other feelings. that was kinda weird but I did it anyway. it was only weird because i’d never done anything like that. but when i did, i was able to feel calmer. she told me i can email her or text her if i need to this week. she said if I text she’ll respond to it and we can talk. i havent texted her yet, but i know if I need to I can. that feels good, grounding, like she’ll be there, maybe on friday we can text her, since fridays a tough day for us with the summer solstace, maybe she can talk to us then. i did email her though already since monday. i felt like it was a good session. and i am glad i talked to her. she’s pretty cool. i like her. its hard for me to admit that. but the fact she offered that we could text her meant a lot to me. plus she made things clear, telling me that if I email that she usually doesnt respond to them, but if I text she’ll respond to that. so that makes things clear to me. but the fact she’s willing to let us means a lot to me. im very grateful. i’ve had bad experiences with therapy before, so i wasnt sure about it but now I am. now I am glad I talked and I will do it again in the future.
chance age 13


Phone therapy session

Eileen just texted us. She said she got Allie’s email. Allie had emailed her in distress last night. Liz also emailed her. She said she was feeling low. Eileen said in her text that she could hear our distress and she’d like to talk to us today. So we set up a time to have a phone check in. I am so glad. Thank god for her. She’s an angel. So grateful to her for always making time for us. She always always makes time for us no matter what is going on. I love her for it. It will be so good to talk to her. We need to connect…hear her voice. Her calm, sootheing voice. We just need her right now. I’m so happy to have gotten her text. It was a surprise. We werent expecting a response from her. We just emailed to let her know we’re struggling, thats all. But the fact she responded to us, its just a bonus and we’re so so grateful to her for responding. I’ll post more later. The phone check in is at six PM.


Therapy, Working with memories, its so powerful

Therapy yesterday was hard. Hard, but good.

We worked with Allie. She had to work on some memories. It was really tough. Just hearing her memories was super hard on all of us. Hearing some things she went through when we were a kid. It was painful.

Eileen was unbelievable. She was with us through it all. There for us at every step. I love her. She made us feel so safe.

Part way through the session during the EMDR and when the memories were especially hard to deal with, our body became super cold. It was like we were reacting to processing them. We were freezing. Eileen went and got a fleece blanket and wrapped it around us to warm us up. It was so nice. It felt so good.

At another point she just held us. She put her arms around our back and shoulders, and held us and talked sootheingly to us. It felt so reassuring. It made us feel so safe.

The holding really helps us. Its part of what she’s doing in her somatic bodywork course. She’s training in bodywork and to be a bodywork practitioner. So this is ths sort of thing they are larning. How to support your client while they process memories.

It was a great session. And we did a lot of hard work. We still need to process more, but we made a start. And the memories we processed, well they’re allie’s, but they are around going to bed, and bedtime. So that will hopefully help us to not feel so triggered at night.

I know with Eileen by our side, we can do anything. She was so kind yesterday. Just her voice, the calm way she speaks to the kids, to all of us, is so, so sootheing to us. It really helps. We felt validated, heard, listened to, and that was just so amazing to me.

I definitely think touch in therapy is so important. I dont know if its for everyone, but for me, due to us being blind, it is so helpful. Eileen thinks so too. She said she’s mindful of doing it with some clients, but for us, she said it works. She feels its beneficial to us to use it during our sessions. And so do I. I feel that it works for us.

I’m glad we got to process the memories. Now to get through the rest of this week, hopefully we can. We had to rearrange our session for next week as next monday here is a bank holiday, so we’ll see Eileen on thursday morning instead. I’m so glad she could fit us in on another day. I’m so grateful to her for doing that for us so we wouldnt go without therapy for a week.


Therapy session for Monday May 20th, write up

Therapy last week was good. Hard but good. Liz went in to the session, and she started off by telling Eileen that we had parts who were really feeling like it wasnt ok to be ok. Eileen said she’d like to talk to the part who felt like that. She said, can I help? So liz said, be my guest. And that got the conversation started.
A 12 year old part came out. She was very scared. She said she didnt feel like we could be ok, that it wasnt allowed. Eileen teased it out a little, why she felt that way. It turns out she had a lot of responsibility when the body was a kid. When we were in the bording school, she had to take care of younger kids. And even though we were blind, she still had to look after younger kids who were blind, and who had multiple disabilities. Taking care of them on the playground, or doing things for them like getting them dressed in the mornings, washing them giving them breakfast etc.
So now she’s afraid to let go of that responsibility. She’s afraid to let us heal. She thinks we’ll be in some sort of trouble if we do things in life, that allow us to actually have a life. Eileen worked with the pulsers with her for a while, working on her memories of having so much responsibility.
That seemed to help. She seemed to get calmer. But then she also told eileen that our abusers told her that she’d never be ok, she’d never be normal, she’d never do normal things that normal people do. So there was all of that as well.
We started dissociating then, so eileen had us walk around the room with her. Grounding us to the present. It always feels good to walk around the room. It always helps us a lot to do that. Eileen points everything out to us. We stood by the window for a while just taking in the sun. Then eileen had us try to feel the sensations in our body, that didnt go so well. We were holding on to the windowsill, and a part felt like she was going to tumble out of it. I told eileen and she told me to take one hand off the windowsill, and see how it felt. So I did and that felt better. She said the part that felt she was going to fall out the window, that it was a memory. She aked us where we’d feel safest, so we said sitting down, with her next to us. So we sat back down and she sat by us. She held us for a while which felt so good.
It was a pretty intense session. We were so exhausted after it. Working with the pulsers always tires us out. Also, when littles are out, we’re always super tired afterwords. Its like it drains us to have them be out.
I feel we got a lot accomplished though. We’ll probably do a little more work on the memories, on the feelings of responsibility that the 12 year old part felt. I’m sure we will over the next few weeks.