Look what eileen wrote us! She always knows just when to email us! She usually doesnt but sometimes, occasionally she will, if she thinks its needed! And today, when we looked she had emailed us! Yay! Im so so happy to get this from her!
I noticed that some of you young (and not so young!) insiders are upset at the thought of my being away next week. I know you are angry and sad, and also that it was unfortunate that you couldn’t come for your session this week, which probably makes the break seem longer. The adults may have more of a sense of time maybe than you, and perhaps more of an understanding that I go away for either work or a holiday, and that I always come back. It would be important that you could go to the adults if at any stage you feel uncertain or lonely. Times have changed, and you are not on your own with those feelings any more. I will be learning loads of new stuff about feelings, and how to manage them, and will be happy to show you all I have learned when I come back.
Will see you on the 19th,
We never got to therapy this morning. I woke up in a very unsettled place. I got a few hours of sleep but not a lot of it. So I woke up feeling off. Feeling like shit. Feeling unstable and very full of anxiety.
So we didn’t go. I texted Eileen to tell her I wasn’t coming in. And she hasn’t texted me back. Now my irrational brain says she’s mad I didn’t come in. She’s mad at me for not showing up.
I know there’s probably another reason why she hasn’t texted me back, but I’m afraid to text again or email her to ask her what happened and why she hasn’t responded to me. Normally she would, so its not like she usually doesn’t.
I wish I hadn’t been so anxious. I really needed my session today. Especially since we don’t have one next week as Eileen is in the UK on training. Damn anxiety anyway. I bloody hate it.
If I don’t hear anything from her by tonight I’ll send an email. Maybe she just got busy and thought she was after responding to my message already.
Who knows. All I know right now is I am feeling very very on edge. Anxious and unsettled and not ok.
so as i said we processed the accident in todays therapy session. not all of it but just some of what happened. we used EMDR to do this. First of all Eileen had me fill out a questionaire. It was a questionaire to see how impacted I am by what happened, like how much its effecting me. So she asked me a ton of questions, and I had to give an answer out of 5 different options. The answers ranged from not at all, a little bit, moderate, a lot and extremely. Some of the questions were about feelings, whether I am feeling a lot due to what happened, whether I was able to discuss it, whether I am sleeping, things like that. There were a bunch of them maybe aroune 20 questions. So anyway I scored a total overall score of 64. Eileen said that 64 meant things were still really running for us after the accident. After doing the questionaire we started using the pulsers. Eileen had me talk about what we were doing beforehand. Like before it happened. We discussed that for a few minutes. Then we got into the detail of the accident. Discussing that was extremely difficult. I cried, a lot. I panicked. I was shaky. I was palpitating and sweating as i talked. It was super hard. But we did it. We got through it. We talked about feeling responsible for what happened. The reason I say we felt responsible is because we’d been going to a grocery store to get groceries for me. If I’d chosen a different store, like I had planned on doing, we’d have never been in the accident. It would have never happened. Eileen asked me if I still feel responsible now. I told her no, that now that we’ve taught about it some more, we know the driver is actually responsible, the driver of the other car I mean. That he chose to drive drunk. He chose to hit us and then drive off. We happened to be there at the wrong time. Thats all. None of it was our fault. I know that now. Then eileen asked us if we know its over. Some of us didnt realise that. Even though physically its over, we are still reliving it every day. Still having flashbacks from it. Still reliving the accident over and over in our head and in our mind. She said to try to remember, that the chances of this sort of thing happening again are very slim. That even if we were to be in another accident, the exact same thing would never happen, in the exact same way as it did this time. This particular accident is over. And while there are no guarantees we wont be involved in another one, that this one is over. And we are safe. She kept reassuring the kids we’re safe. Its over. They were so scared. Very very spooked by remembering today. I told her how some of them are scared of the “scary man” as they put it. The man who hit us. They think that he’s out to hurt them. No amount of telling them that he actually wasnt out to get them is helping. So eileen started to tell them today that actually, he would have hit anyone, and he definitely wasnt trying to just hit us, like, its just, we were in the totally wrong place at the wrong time, and he hit us because he was drunk, and not because he meant to hurt any of us, when I say meant I mean he didnt hit us because he knew us and was meaning to kill or injure us because he knew us. The kids still arent fully convinced, but eileen telling them that did help some. We talked a lot about the aftermath of the accident. About the hospital and about the police coming and what happened. Eileen said that our recall might be a little fuzzy and she was right. A lot of what happened seems blurry to me now. I have to go make a statement soon to the police, and I am dreading it. I am dreading it because I am triggered by police. We all are. That is because we’ve had some bad experiences with the police in the past not believing us about abuse we’ve gone through. So we’re all just scared of talking to them now. Eileen said she wasnt sure how much use we’d be to them, since we werent able to see to witness what went on, and I agree. But I think we’ll still have to give our version of events to them, as we were in the car and we were there on the day in question. We were a part of what happened. Im glad we processed things a little bit. We’re going to work some more on it over the next few months. But for now thats all we were able to do. Eileen said she was really proud of us. She said we did great work today. I’m really proud of us too. It definitely wasnt easy to process it.
had a phone check in with eileen this afternoon. we didnt get to talk about much besides the accident. we talked about that for most of our check in. i know thats important though. she said we can work through it but for now for us to make sure we can soothe the kids, tell them they are safe, and we’re ok. i told her i was doing that. or trying to. she said if i need her to just text her and we can arrange to talk. i really appreciated that offer and was so grateful that she said i could contact her if needs be. i will see her next thursday morning, since monday is a bank holiday here. i’m going to try and deal with things on my own but its good to know if i need her i can reach her. i feel supported and held and contained by her which feels nice.
therapy was good. intense. we did EMDR. That was good but man it was intense.
I got so much from it though. We worked on memory processing. Normally I’d rail against that but today I didn’t. Today I actually felt up to working through some memories. I felt like we could do that without actually drowning in grief and pain and trauma…
We also worked with our body. Noticing the feelings coming up. Noticing how our body felt when they came up. Just noticing…it was great. Normally I’m shit at noticing my body. I am so unaware of things and of how it feels. Not today though. Today I did good.
We worked on grounding techniques too. On coming into the here and now, coming into the present moment. Eileen worked with liz and Emily on this. And me too of course. But while she worked with us, she also invited other insiders to come into the conference room and watch what was happening, and feel it through us. We can do that. So that’s what we did. It was good.
All in all it was a great session. I’m tired now. I think a restful evening is in order. An evening where I can just chillax. Chill out. Don’t have to be anywhere or do anything either. And I don’t. My sister will drop me home in a little while, and I think I am going to just veg out this evening.
I need time to process. Time to reflect on todays session. We talked about our next couple of sessions today also. We’ll have one next Monday, and then the week of Halloween Monday is a bank holidays. We’re going to make up for it though and have our session on Thursday that week. Then the following week its back to Monday, and then Eileen is out on a training course on the 12th for a week.
She knew we’d be having a really hard time the week of Halloween, so she didn’t want us missing a session that week. I love that she’s so aware, so careful about us not having to miss any of our sessions. It really means so much to me that she is so aware of our needs.
SO TODAYS SESSION WAS INTENSE. I HAD MOST OF IT. I WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. WE WORKED WITH A MEMORY. IT WAS A MEMORY OF THE FIRST TIME WE WERE ABUSED AT A RITUAL. IT WAS SO SO HARD. I DONT THINK I’VE EVER HAD TO WORK SO HARD AS I DID TODAY. THE IMAGES THAT WERE COMING UP WERE SO AWFUL. SO RAW. I WAS FEELING INTENSE FEELINGS. FEELINGS THAT I HAVE NEVER FELT. EILEEN KEPT ASKING ME WHAT WAS THE PICTURE, WHAT WAS MY BELIEF ABOUT MYSELF BACK THEN, AND WHAT DID I WANT TO HAVE AS A BELIEF NOW. ITS ALL PART OF THE EMDR. PLUS SHE HAD ME IMAGINE I WAS ACTUALLY LOOKING AT THE LIGHTS, EVEN THOUGH I CANT SEE THEM. SHE TOLD ME TO IMAGINE THAT I COULD. IMAGINE MY EYES GOING OVER AND BACK AS IF I WAS LOOKING AT THE LIGHTS ON THE PULSERS WHILE THEY VIBRATED IN MY HANDS. I COULD DO IT BUT BOY WAS IT HARD! SO I GOT IN TOUCH WITH AN 8 YEAR OLD PART. SHE WAS STUCK BACK IN THE PAST, BACK IN THE MEMORY. SHE WAS SO FEARFUL, TRAUMATISED, JUST PANICKING. EILEEN KEPT ASKING ME HOW I FELT TOWARDS HER. AT FIRST I SAID I WASNT SURE. BUT THEN I SAID I FELT PROTECTIVE OF HER. I FELT LIKE I WANTED TO TAKE CARE OF HER AND BRING HER OUT OF THAT PLACE. SO EILEEN SAID WE COULD. SHE SAID IT WAS SAFE FOR HER TO COME OUT OF THERE NOW. IT WAS SAFE FOR HER TO COME WITH ME. SHE ASKED ME WHAT I THOUGHT SHE NEEDED. THAT WAS A HARD QUESTION. I KNEW WHAT I WANTED TO SAY BUT COULDNT FIND WORDS. LUCKILY EILEEN IS VERY GOOD AT HELPING ME TO FIND THE WORDS. SO SHE DID AND I WAS ABLE TO TELL HER THAT I THOUGHT SHE NEEDED REASSURANCE THAT SHE WAS SAFE, THAT IT WAS OVER, THAT ITS IN THE PAST. I TOLD HER I THINK SHE NEEDS TO BE SOMEWHERE SAFE ON THE INSIDE, WHERE SHE CAN REST, STAY WARM, COMFORTABLE, AND RELAX AND BE CALM. EILEEN AGREED THIS WAS ACTUALLY A REALLY GOOD IDEA. SO THEN WE WORKED WITH THE PULSERS. I WAS ABLE TO BRING UP A SAFE PLACE INSIDE AND VISUALISE HER GOING THERE. YEAH…I TOLD YOU WE WORKED HARD. I WAS SO DRAINED AT THE END OF IT! I CAME HOME AND I SLEPT FOR THE AFTERNOON! EILEEN HAD TOLD ME TO REST WHEN I GOT HOME. SO I ATE AND THEN I RESTED. I DREAMED WHEN I WAS SLEEPING, BUT EILEEN HAD SAID I MIGHT. SHE SAID DREAMING IS ALSO PART OF THE EMDR AND THAT IS THE EMDR WORKING, IT IS US PROCESSING THE TRAUMATIC experiences AND THE SESSION. I’M HAPPY WITH HOW IT WENT, THOUGH. REALLY, REALLY HAPPY WITH IT.
it me emily. im still feeling so so bad.
i hate feeling so bad. everything feels just awful.
i hurt all over. mentally, im hurting so much.
i still want to die. i wish i could disappear.
im a burden to everyone. i am not happy. people dont like you when your not happy. they think you are being negative. if i could i would be happy. i’d change how i feel in a heartbeat. but i cant.
i wish i could just shrink into a little speck of nothingness.
i am a nothing and a nobody. that is how i feel.
everything feels so worthless. i feel worthless.
pain is all i feel. emotional pain.
sadness, fear, guilt, shame, all of it, it just, feels awful.
hopefully after talking with eileen tonight i’ll feel better. i hope so. i am happy i get to talk to eileen. that is what is keeping me going right now.