Slept well last night

So I went to bed super early last night. I wasn’t feeling good so I called it a night at around 8 PM.

And I am glad I did! I slept well! I slept for an hour, then woke up when my dad brought nitro in to me at 9 but I was able to go back to sleep again.

I then slept straight through until 5 AM. Now Its almost 6 AM and I am awake and feeling great.

My mood feels a lot better than it felt yesterday. I am not feeling suicidal. I feel much happier.

I’ll be going home to my own house today, my sister will drop me, she is going to fix up my new TV, I got a new 40 inch tv, she has to fix it up, tune it in and then I can plug in my apple TV and stream netflicks on it.

anyone got any recommendations for a good series to start watching?

Not sorry

Today I am not sorry I have a mental illness. I didn’t ask for it. I have it and so be it. I am so pleased I was strong enough to cope with my abuse by dissociating and creating alters. If I didn’t do that, I might be dead now. I most likely wouldn’t have survived the abuse at all.

There is something to be said for resilience, and doing something creative to cope. I am glad I have so much resilience in me. For that, I am grateful.

Self care Saturday, anyone?

Things I am doing for self care today…to help me feel better…

Reading a book

Relaxing in a bubble bath

Snuggling with my puppy

Eating healthy wholesome food

Watching inspirational and motivational videos

Chatting with family memembers

Drinking a hot cup of tea

Putting on nice lotion


My first day of college went well!

So our first day of college went well! It was great!
We learned a lot. The wrap training was good!
We have a second day of wrap training in Jan. Its a 12 hour training!
I did have one mishap though. Nitro got a panic attack and I had to leave early with him! He was too hot I think the room was really warm and there was 25 of us in there and 2 lecturers!
But it was ok! As soon as we got home he was ok again!
And I only left with an hour to go of the training.
But I enjoyed it! We did some really cool ice breaker games too! We did this one game where you had to say a word before your name, so like lovely linda, I said sarcastic shirley for mine! Lol.
Overall a fun day though! I am excited to start properly in January! There are four modules in total. The lecturers said that our first module is the hardest, it has 3 assignments for it.
We also have field trips and presentations and stuff to do.
Its going to be a lot of fun and a lot to learn I think!


I have been so bad. I forgot to take my meds for a few days.

I just went out and took them. I hope I wont have any symptoms from the not taking them. I hope they’ll help.

My mood has dipped. I dont feel too good right now. I feel kinda shitty.

The pharmacy forgot to put my prazosin in my weekly script so I am without that now. It means very little sleep for me and probably nightmares too.

I hate nightmares, I get so afraid to go to sleep if I think I will get them.

My mind is on overload. I dont feel I can settle down yet. I have tried but wasnt abel to.

Oh well I think I’ll just go through email or read. That should make me slow down a little bit.


final apt with dr. barry now she’s on holidays for 2 weeks

just had our final apt with dr. barry for 3 weeks. she is away for 2 of them, and once she’s back it will be another week before we see her, we dont see her now again until the 29th.
this morning she had a student doctor with her, a male doctor, we usually dont allow them to come in to our sessions, but today I said it would be ok if he stayed. He seemed like a nice guy. And he has to learn too I suppose.
We talked about Eileen being away, she asked me how I am coping. I told her some of the things we’ve done to cope, like journalling, seeing friends, reading, etc. I also told her about Eileen recording a book for the kids, giving them a transitional object to keep for her while she’s gone, etc.
we talked about my volunteering, I told her about the incident yesterday where I had a suicidal caller on the phone, I was telling her that had really effected me, she asked me if I had support for when I get calls like that, so I told her I do, she seemed fine then once I told her I had enough support around that. I think she’s just concerned for me, concerned in case my own mental health takes a nose dive. I think its very sweet of her to be so concerned.
She went on to tell me that the CPN sarah is back from her holidays now, and that she’d put in a written referral for me to see her next week, she said Sarah would be in touch with me over the next few days and that we could meet or whatever I feel comfortable doing. I was feeling a little bit sad, because I hate when Dr. barry is gone, it brings up all sort of attachment pain, and 3 weeks is a long time, especially when I see her so often. She told me that it will go by fast, and to hold on to all of the resources I have, that I have a lot, and it will be ok, I will cope.
I want to believe her, I really do, so I will do everything I can to stay safe, and stay strong.
On the way up to the desk to make the next appointment, she asked me about my weight loss, as she forgot to ask while we were in the appointment. I was telling her how much I’m down now, and then she started to admire my top, saying I look really good, I am looking really well and that my top was beautiful on me. She’s sooo sweet. I love her and I felt so good when she said I looked nice.
I’m hopeful I can get through the next few weeks without too many issues, and before I know it she’ll be back and we’ll be seeing her again.
carol anne