pain is etched on her face
nothing but confusion
over so many things in her life
to questions, an answer
is what she craves
however, the more she searches
the less she finds the answers
and confusion reigns
so its off to therapy for her
a session full of fears
and more confusion
will it ever end for her?
i’m so confused. i am sitting on a bed. my bed? i dont know. there are things around me. stuffed animals, a computer, pillows, a blanket, dvd’s. i dont know what i am meant to be doing. it feels weird to be out here all alone. right now my mind is empty.i am hearing nothing. maybe i’ll go make myself something to drink. i dont even know what time it is.
I’m writing here hoping that someone is around and can talk to me, keep me company.
its Keris. Eileen hasnt emailed me back. I really could care less if she does or doesnt. I just want to cancel on her.
I feel like nobody gets it. Nobody gets me. Nobody understands. I was contacted by one of my abusers. He wants me to meet him. Everyone says I shouldnt do it. But I have to! There will be trouble if I dont.
When I tried to talk to Eileen about it on Monday, she asked me why I was telling her.
I’m wondering why your telling me?
I dont know.
Just notice, why its important to tell me about this?
Ok so like if you dont want to hear it just tell me and I’ll shut up!
It feels like she’s shutting me down! Like what I have to say doesnt matter at all!
You seem in a little bit of a daze Keris?
Yes, it feels that way. I feel stuck. I feel really confused.
I dont know then from now. Everything is hazy.
So rather than talk about it next week, I just want to cancel. Give up on therapy. That would be easier. Better for everyone. I dont matter. I just need to do what I need to do. Even if its dangerous.
I dont think you really want to Keris? Do you?
I dont know! I dont know what I want!
How old are you? I dont want to tell you! Its not safe!
So she still doesnt know my age. But I am 13. 13 is not a good age. Its an odd number. Its not a safe number.
My abuser says I should stop going to therapy. I dont know what is true and what is lies! He has me all confused! I just feel like I am not capable of making a decision! I wish Eileen would email me!
Maybe she doesnt want me to come any more? Maybe she’s tired of me?