My heart beats fast
I am sucked into the past
I kick, I scream
To no avail
I cant get away from it
I just have to sit with it
It threatens to pull me under
I fight to get back on even ground again
I count to 10
As i exhale
Breathe, I tell myself
Constantly reminding myself its over
I’m not back there
I’m here
Here in my house
with my dog
My stuff all around me
I am free
In the free world
and its 2017


Big feelings

I am cloaked in pain
swamped and sinking
under its heavy weight
it feels insurmountable
like i’ll never recover
why does it have to feel this way?
so big, so painful
feeling so alone
I start to panic
can I do this?
Will I survive?
Or will the pain win?



as i sit
my thoughts race
what is this place
is it a memory?
why cant i see
i sit and wait
for what seems like an eternity
when really
its only a couple of minutes
as the flashbacks hits full on
i try to be strong
but fear gives way to tears
and i cry and cry
cant say i know why
memories of abuse sting
and i am contemplating
what to do next
and where to go with this

Invasion of privacy

today while at the basement club my friend who is another member her name is denise, took me aside. she said she needed to tell me something. then she proceeded to tell me that another member had been reading what was on my laptop screen over my shoulder. and in fact this member came in and sat right next to me gto get a better look, although i didnt know at the time that is the reason he sat next to me. denise said she had mentioned to staff in the past that people were sometimes looking at my screen trying to read what was on it and the staff had told her she needed to say it to me. i thanked her for saying it to me. i felt so hurt. this person is a nosey parker. he likes to know everything about everyone and then gossips and talks about others when they arent there to defend themselves. now more often than not when i am in there i am not doing anything that is too private, sometimes i might answer emails and fill out forms and stuff but most of the time i am just on facebook and wordpress. but thats not the point. th e point is he shouldnt be doing it knowing i cant see, and even more to the point he shouldnt have pulled up a chair next to me to get a better look at what i was doing. denise said i should mention it to staff at the members meeting today which is what i did. the only staff present was bruno so i mentioned it to him and he apologised and told me he’d mentioned it to the member in question and tell him that its an invasion of my privacy and he is not to continue to do it. i hope he will mention it. i might also say it to the member in question because now that i said it aloud at the meeting i feel more confident to say it to him. its sneaky of him to do this knowing i am blind and would not know unless someome had the decency to tell me. luckily denise did. i told my friend rose whose also a member at the basement club we were talking by text and i was telling her and she flipped and said if it was her she’d kill him and she thought he should be suspended for what he did. i doubt that will happen though. still i may say it to denise the other denise who is the co-ordinator when she gets back from her holidays. it left me feeling very vulnerable today. just knowing my privacy was compramised. i hope there wont be a repeat performance of it any time soon.

tough conversation with mom

the other day mom and me had a tough conversation. i’d been on the phone to the director of towards healing, you know the organisation who currently funds my therapy. so i got off the phone and went to where mom was sitting.
that was the director of towards healing, mom.
really? what did she want?
She wanted to talk about the assessment I’ll be having.
Assessment, when, and with who?
You know the one I told you dr. barry was organising? To talk about ongoing treatment going forward?

then I spent some time telling her about it. After I got done she sat for a few minutes, thinking.

Will you ever be cured of the did?
no, mom.
But how come I read stories of girls who were?
Where did you read them mom? You shouldnt always believe everything you read.
You know, in magazines, they were healed, I mean your getting a lot of help, will there ever be a day where you’ll be healed?
no, mom. this is something i’ll have to live with forever. a chronic and enduring mental illness, is what dr. barry calls it.
mom sat silently then. I knew this wasnt what she wanted to hear.
I’m sorry, mom. I know you wanted me to get better, I’m sorry it wont happen the way you wanted…
She started to vacume then, obviously not wanting to continue the conversation, so I let it go.

first day of volunteering at cork city partnership

so i had my first day volunteering today at the cork city partnership. it went really well. everyone is so nice. i got there at 2 PM. i spent 3 hours there doing different things. basically my supervisor told me I could pretty much be asked to do anything that any of the rest of the staff are doing. today was an easy day. i had to fold flyers, that part was boring. there was 200 flyers to fold up and i am not good at folding so i think they werent folded that neatly. after that the receptionist patricia said she had to go into a meeting with one of the other community development workers so she quickly gave me a crash course in how to use their phone system and then I was on my own. it was ok though, i was able to transfer calls without much trouble so that was something at least. we worked out a way for me to get messages to the staff, we decided that any messages that would come through I could just email them to whoever they were for. that works fine for me. i have to say i really enjoyed the experience of volunteering today. I think I will like it there. Everyone is so friendly and willing to learn. They asked me if I wanted to be on an accessibility group, this is a group for people with disabilities and they talk about things like the accessibility of the website, of venues where their courses are held, etc. I said I’d think about it. One of the staff Brenda also offered that if I needed some extra support during the week that she could arrange for a volunteer to spend an hour with me it would be free of charge and they’d do an activity with me anything that I chose and wanted to do. I jumped at that chance. So yeah good day all around, feeling positive and energised and looking forward to many more happy volunteer days with the organisation.