Just so sad

hhihihii its Emily
im just so sad
my heart hurts
ive been crying a lot
I cant stop
I feel numb
and theres a heavy weight too
weighing me down
I cant wait to go to therapy
I don’t like when I feel this way
life feels unmanageable
unbearable even
night time sucks
I hate it
I think i’ll go pet nitro
he makes me happy
hes such a cute dog
love him to bits
butterfly hugs
Emily age 12

Dr. Barry and our good news appointment!

So I just got done seeing dr. barry! We had a fantastic appointment! But thats the norm for us!
I had so much to tell her!
I told her about my smear test coming back clear, and she was really pleased for me. She encouraged me not to stress about the upcoming appointment to the clinic so for now I am not going to worry too much about it! It wont be for a few weeks yet, so I have time to prepare!
We talked about meds, and she asked me about the clonadine, how was it going for me taking it. I told her its working out really well. I am happy with how its working out. My anxiety has lessened since I’ve been taking it. And I am mostly sleeping a little better, I am now sleeping for around 4 to 5 hours when I do sleep, and I am having less nightmares too. She was really happy to hear how well the med is working out. She gave me another script for 2 more weeks supply of the med. We’ll review it when I next see her. We didnt increase it today, she is going to see how I do on it for another 2 weeks before we think about upping the dose.
I told her we didnt see eileen this week because of her being ill. We talked about the stress I felt at eileen being ill. I was also telling her about the kids, how much they worried about eileen and how their worry filtered through to me but that I was also worried and now that eileens ok again I am less stressed and just so relieved.
Then I told her my big news! About my trip to the USA next year! She couldnt believe I was going and she was really excited for me! It was so cute! She was like, Carol anne, I dont think you’ve been to the states since I’ve been your doctor have you? I had to think but no, I havent! The last time I went to america was in the summer of 2013, and I didnt start seeing dr. barry until november of that year.
She then told me that the nurse that was giving me my shot had left, and a new nurse was now administering the shots. She said if I wanted to she’d introduce her to me. So I said I’d like that. She left the room to see if the nurse, whose name is Kay, was still there, she was, and she came in to meet me. She knew me, but I didnt remember her. But she said she had worked in the hospital some years ago on nights, and she’d met me while I was an in patient. I had no memory of ever meeting her! But she seems nice. I’m glad we’ve met, it makes getting my shot from her easier to deal with and I wont be stressing over a new person giving it to me!
Somehow then dr. barry and I got on to talking about psychiatrists, and my former psychiatrist. That was interesting. We had a long conversation about my teen years in the mental health system, and she told me that my then psychiatrist dr. Mccarthy who was my first ever psychiatrist when I was in my teens, has now retired. I always liked dr. Mccarthy, she was a nice doctor and she was easy to get along with.
So yeah, a heavy apt, loaded with much chat, and lots to talk through. It was good though and we made another one for 2 weeks time. When dr. barry walked me to the front entrance to get my taxi, I told her as we were walking to the entrance about nitro retiring, as I forgot to tell her while we were in our appointment. So then we had a further conversation about that.
We’re coming up on our six year anniversary, it is in a few weeks, she’ll have been my doctor for six years this coming november, wow, how that time has flown, I’ve grown a lot since we started our work together, I am so glad she’s my psychiatrist, I couldnt ask for a better doctor.

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Therapy session: bodywork and taking my space

today in therapy we did a lot of very tough work. mostly it was around noticing my body, eileen is training in somatic experience, that is, in body work, and how to use your body in the therapy room, how to become aware of it, notice it, the sensations and feelings and all that.
its very intense work. but also really good. for us, our body is scary to us. we dont notice things about it very often. in fact we are very shut down a lot of the time. even breathing is scary. we also did some breath work today, and eileen had to keep reminding me to breathe, she kept telling me that it was ok for me to breathe now, I am safe and its ok to take deep breaths.
we did a sort of experiment. she had me stand up, spread out my arms either side of me, and then feel all of the space that there is which she said is my personal space. It made me really think! I rarely think about personal space. I tend to allow people to do whatever they want to me, and even if I dont feel right, I still allow them to come into my space, get really close to me and I dont question it.
at one point, She asked me if she could stand behind me to show me something and I am like, sure you can, I didnt even think about it, of course I am fine with her doing that, but she said afterwords that maybe she acted too quickly, and she didnt think that maybe for me it would not feel good or safe. It did feel ok, but she was just saying how she should could have done things a little differently and been more mindful of my personal space.
It was an eye opening session. I learned loads. We’re going to continue to work on this over the next few weeks. I do find it particularly hard to feel my body, and be aware of it. I find it very challenging. I’m sure I can learn though and with eileens help I know I can become better at becoming more aware of my body and of what I am feeling sensations etc.
She said we can go very slow. I think thats good. I need to go slow. I need to do this, but at a snails pace.
And on another note, her husband is doing much better, he’s coming out of hospital soon which I am so glad about. I am happy to hear he’s doing better. Eileen is not back at work yet though. She’s only seeing us and she’s not seeing any of her other clients. She isnt sure when she’ll be back at work yet. But it doesnt effect us, it was so kind of her to keep seeing us.
I am so grateful to her for that. I really appreciate her thoughtfulness and kindness in continuing to see us.

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Found out

Just got back from therapy. I found out that it was Eileens husband who got ill while she was away. It was serious, he got very ill. He’s on the mend now though. They got home last week he got transferred to a hospital here in Cork. They were taken home from Spain by ear ambulance. I need said that was a really daunting experience, I am Arjun it would have been. It was a shock to find out that it was her husband. I’ve spoken to him a few times on the phone before. He’s a very nice man. Just to know that it was someone so close to her who got sick, that was shocking. It’s good to know he’s going to be okay. She is taking another few weeks off work but she will continue to see us. She’s also taking a break from college she lectures at college she’s taking a break for a few weeks while he recovers. It was so good to see her today. Such a relief to have her home. Missed her like crazy really really missed her a lot.

Therapys resuming on monday yay!

Eileen is home! She rang me this morning! She’s finally home! Yay! I am sooo thrilled!
We’re having a session on Monday at 10! I am delighted! Its so good to have her home!
She only got home at the end of this week! Things can go back to normal now yay!
Normal service can resume!
This good news has made my weekend! 😀
I am on cloud 9 to have her back home!

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Fowc:so many layers

When you have did, there are so many layers at least for us there are anyway, I think its pretty similar for most did folk. We have tons of alters, because we are a polyfrggmented system. That means, there are more than a hundeed alters. The way our system works, there are sub systems, in the main system. So there is the outer layer, and then more inner layers.  then there are also some alters who have insiders of their own, so they have their own alters inside of themselves. I know its confusing, it is for us too.  We’re still getting to know Emilys insiders, she’s been working hard with Eileen in therapy, she knows them, but the rest of us we don’t know a whole lot about them. She keeps them very protected, and they in turn protect her.  Sometimes Emilys insiders will pretend to be Emily, so that we don’t know its actually one of them whose out. Did is a complicated thing.  Then in our system there are darks, and lights, the darks have been subjected to a lot of abuse, some of the lights have too, but mainly, the lights are out to help, protect the body, they are cooperative, they are helpful, they want to do good all of the time. The darks on the other hand, they are destructive, non cooperative, and they don’t want to help the system, but now some of ours are changing, they’ve been doing a lot of hard work in therapy, and I applaud that. They’ve been so courageous, discussing their memories, changing roles, getting new roles etc. Having did is definitely a roller coaster ride. I wouldn’t change it though. Not for anything. I guess I am just so used to it now.


FOWC with Fandango — Layer



What a night!

No sleep here again tonight! Meds on bord, still nothing! I am about to go mental! Literally! I can feel a meltdown coming on! Its now gone 5 AM and I’ve been up all night. I guess I will try to stay awake now all day, so that by tonight I am so exhausted that I’ll actually sleep! We can hope, anyway!
Wonder how I’ll be for the apt with Catrina? I hope I can manage to function semi normally for it!
Right now I feel bla and my mood is low and I just feel like canceling it!
I wont, though. I’ll be a good girl and go to it.
Well gonna go make a coffee! I need it to perk me up!

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