Just rambling around a few mulberry bushes

I am really struggling to cope.
all of a sudden my mood plummeted. I mean, I felt flat for most of the day, but now I just dont feel able to manage at all.
I hate me. I hate my body. I hate my mind.
I want to cry but I cant. I want to scream so loud and let all of my emotions go but I cant.
I’m frozen, no words, only thoughts. no way to express how I feel so I am writing to express it.
Writing is my therapy tonight.
How am I going to live like this? I mean, I’ve lived like this for a long time, but it really gets old.
I feel lost. Lost and alone. I feel like a big wave of emotion is coming and is going to swallow me up and that will be it.
I keep trying to remember Eileens words.
“it will be ok, there is no 9 9 9”.
I am trying to remember the sound of her sootheing voice saying those words to me.
I think I am going to ask her if she will record herself saying those words and send it to me.
That way I will have the file and can play it when we are distressed.
I also am reminded of dr. barrys words to us last week.
“you are way too hard on yourselves, and you don’t give yourselves enough credit, the progress you’ve made over the last few years has been amazing”.
I dont feel it. I really think we are going a bit backwards lately.
I am blessed to have such an incredible team around me, I know that, believe me I know how lucky I am in that regard.
I guess my mental health is probably going to get a lot worse before it gets better!
isnt that always how it goes?