So hard to say goodbye

this week when I see dr. barry I will have to say goodbye to her social worker, Karen. Karen has been a part of my life for the past 4 years. She is a wonderful empathic social worker, great at her job, very professional, very warm, caring, compassionate, gentle, and just an awesome person. She has been part of dr. Barrys team for the past 10 years, even longer than dr. Barry has been in charge of the team. I am going to miss her so much. She knew me and Liz mostly. It was mostly the two of us who interacted with her. Some of the kids knew her too but they didnt come out directly to talk to her but they were in the background and loved her. Its going to be so hard to say goodbye. we will probably cry. we have a card for her and a little gift. i really dont want to do it, i’m sooo nervous and anxious about having to say goodbye to her. i hope dr. barry is going to stay in the room too when we say goodbye. i think she will just from the way she was last week when she said to us that she’d organised it and we talked a little about it. karen is one of the best social workers I’ve ever come across in my time as a service user of the mental health services. its just so difficult because obviously i want her to be happy, i want her to get promoted, but i just dont want to lose her from my life. that is the hard part. the feelings that brings up are difficult to ddeal with. I’m trying hard though. Trying hard to be brave. Be brave and face this challenge head on. But karen, you’ll be missed, my god you’ll be missed. And we will never forget you ever.

i wish i wasnt me

hi its allie. and i am sad. very very sad. and scared. i cant sleep. and i wish i wasnt me. i wish i was someone else. and i wish i had a forever mom. my mom bio mom hates me. she doesnt like or love any of us young insiders. she only likes the adult parts. it makes my heart so sad. i hurt. i want eileen or dr. barry to be my forever mom. they are caring. they are loving. i know they love me because they tell me. they show me by their actions. they pat my arm. or my shoulder. or talk softly to us. or say kind things like calling us pet or hun or telling us to have a good week, take care, stuff like that. our mom doesnt do any of that. ok she does practical things like housework and stuff but i dont want a mom like that i want a mom who will talk to me about hard stuff, play with me, be there for me when i feel sad and cry and am lonely. right now i dont want to be me. i realy realy dont. i’d like to run away. run far far away. but i cant. i am stuck. i cant move. i am trapped. i feel like i cant move like this is one big nightmare.
allie 9

DONE, I’M DONE!

FUCK IT I AM DONE I AM SO OVER SHIT NIGHTS AND SHIT DAYS FLASHBACKS THEY ARE A FUCKING NIGHTMARE I’M SO DONE WITH THEM OH MY GOD SO SOOO DONE SO OVER THEM I AM JUST IN A RAGE I AM ANGRY AT MY ABUSERS HOW DARE THEY TAKE SO MUCH FROM ME MY CHILDHOOD MY INNOCENCE MY SPIRIT BUT GUESS WHAT FUCKERS I STILLL HAVE MY DETERMINATION AND I STILL HAVE HOPE AND I STILL HAVE FIGHT IN ME AND GOD BUT YOUR NOT GONNA WIN THIS WAR I WILL WIN IF I HAVET TO DO A LOT TO TAKE YOU DOWN THEN I WILL YOU WILL NOT WIN THIS FIGHT YOU HAVE HELD ME CAPTIVE FOR FAR TOO LONG NO MORE NO MORE YOU HEAR ME? FUCK OFF, GO TO HELL, JUST LEAVE US ALONE ALL OF YOU ABUSERS, FLASHBACKS, MEMORIES, TRAUMA, GO THE FUCK AWAY.
LIZ

Rock botto

swirling and spinning

quickly downward

nothing to grip onto

the hole seems endless

yet i have a sense of rock bottom

and i think i’m about to hit it

i brace myself for the collision

but i am tugged away by voices

my mind can’t prepare

and combat hallucinations

enter the flashbacks

on top of the voices

memories stabbing my heart

suddenly i hit the ground

the fall is hard

my arms out to brace myself

now bleed in a self injurious way

this is the bottom

its a familiar place

i’ve been here many times before

and i know that unless i get help

the right sort of help

i’ll be here again

Carol anne

stupid dumb poem by allie

slowly ticks the clock
the sound seems to mock
we’d go to bed but we forgot
memories make our brain rot
sun down to sun up we sit
thinking and thinking on it
the moon peaking in
reminds us of blood and sin
nightly torture deep in the past
so many years ago.. but it lasts
no way to shut off our mind
so day after day you’ll find
insomnia

allie

Halloween haunts me

the leaves change and it’s there
the reminder, a subtle dare
can i look back, do i want to see
will i ever get to just be
skeletons in my closet seem
to haunt me in my every dream
and the ghosts of the past arent silent
as the memories rage at me so violent
will a jack-o-lantern ever make me smile
or will the glowing face always be vile
children’s costumes hanging in the store
i want it to mean less, but it keeps being more
night brings fear, the smell of bon fires swell
i have no choice but to breathe in my own personal hell
laughter and drinking, parties and screaming in the night
they really don’t know the true meaning of fright

ria

Rejection

it’s knowing how hard life can be

and knowing before the age of three

its being rejected before you can speak

and living by it week by week

no hugs, no tickles, no high fives

nothing to show you exist, your alive

you cant be stirred from your bed

you are trying to get the nighttmare out of your head

Carol anne