Sad because I had to quit college

I am so sad tonight. I had to quit college. I failed an assignment. I couldnt believe I got an F on it. I was heartbroken. I decided the pressure was too much. I cant keep everything going. I have way too much going on right now, what with symptoms flaring, and ptsd stuff coming up. Also I dont think I am cut out for college. I’m feeling pretty disheartened, but it was for the best. I think and feel I did the right thing.
We were almost done for the term anyway. I stuck it out as long as I could. But with all that is going on I couldnt keep it up. I feel like such a failure.
I feel like I constantly start things but dont finish them. This course was meant to help me out with extra training to help with my volunteering, but then, part of me says, well, I am already the expert, I have mental illness, I dont need training in it.
I guess its ok. I had to do what I had to do.
Just feel bad about it. I just emailed my coordinator to tell her of my plans.
I hope she’ll be ok with it.

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dr. barry tells me…I’m so proud of you!

Dr. barry and me had a great apt yesterday. It was so lovely to see her. I was so looking forward to our apt after a 3 week break.

During our apt we were talking and she said to me…

Your out of the hospital two years this week. Were you aware of that?

Me? Two years, wow! It has flown!

Dr. barry: I’m so, so proud of you. Your doing great. Your managing so much at the moment, and your coping, you arent in crisis. Well done!

Just hearing her say those words, I’m so proud of you, really helped me so much. I am managing a lot. Easter is hard. Our birthday week is hard. I’ve been dealing with a lot of ptsd symptoms lately. But I am managing, I’m getting through each day. I’m finding that I am able to cope more nowadays.

A few years ago I’d never have been able to do that. I’d have drowned in all the turmoil of the emotional upheaval that is my life sometimes.. I’d have gone into a crisis. I’d have ended up in the psych ward.

Thats real progress that I’m not in there. And to hear dr. barry say that meant the world to me.

I want nothing more than to make her proud. She’s done so much for me. She’s been through so much with us. For six years she’s stood by our side, she has helped us through a whole lot of stuff and we are so so grateful for her support.

When we came out of her office and went to the desk to make the next apt, she asked the secretary to fit me in in two weeks time, the secretary said, I cant, your not here that week, is 3 weeks ok?

Dr. barry hesitated, knowing that I usually see her every two weeks, and knowing also that its hard for me to go longer than that, I panic, I usually cant cope, I get all worried and insecure. But I said, thats ok, 3 weeks is ok.

She said to me, are you sure? I said I was. As we walked together to the front entrance, she said to me, you know, I’m so, so proud of you, you know that? The fact that you even agreed to wait 3 weeks to see me, I know thats a huge deal for you.

I was touched that she realised how important it is to me and how I didnt agree to it lightly. I think we’ll be ok though, although eileen is on holidays too next week, so we have little support next week, but we are able to email eileen if we need to do that.

I’m happy we had such a great appointment, and it feels so nice to be told how proud she is of me. It makes me glow. My heart swells with pride.

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Have a happy Wednesday

Hi everyone
Happy Wednesday!

I hope today is good for you! Whatever you have planned, I hope its fun!

Remember to do some self care today! Do something just for you!

Have a fantastic day and keep smiling!

Positive thoughts and good wishes to all!

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icky feelings

im havin bad memrees
no like them
no like remebering
bad bad peple do bad things to me
it hurts in my tummy
to remember
always at nite time i am rembering
i no like the nite time ether
scary scardy time
want stay up all nite
no go sleep
to skard
lexi age 6

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I need support

hihihii everyone
it me em
im strugling a lot
i need some support
i could use a hug
i dont know why but i just feel so sad
i feel like crying today
it hurt in my insides
i just feel very sad
i wrote eileen
and i had a cup of tea
it didnt help
if anyone is around i could really use a friend
butterfly hugs
love
Emily age 12

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from jadda age 10

hihihi every body
its jadda. im 10 years old. im one of emilys inside kids. you know em has her own insiders in the bigger system. I know that’s confusin, it is for me too. but we’re here, and its just the way it is.
I got to talk with Eileen today. that was cool. I never talked to her before. I did email her though. at the weekend when I lost my words. I couldn’t find them. I asked her to help me find my words.
they disappeared. it was stressful to me that I lost them. I hate not be able to explain things or how I feel. but today I could. Eileen helped me find my words again.
we talked about ems system. I told Eileen a few things. about why im here. im a protector in ems system, I am here to protect Emily. that’s why I came.
Eileen was curious. she said but your only 10. I told her there are younger protectors than me. april is one and she’s only 8.
we talked about loss. I told her that last week in our session when we did that review, we got scared. we felt afraid cuz what if we lose Eileen? she said don’t worry, im not going anywhere. and if something were to happen that the organisation who funds your therapy stopped funding it, carol anne said she’d find a way to continue seeing me. and I believe that too. I know she would.
im happy that is the case. it feels better knowing that there are options. if the worse came to the worse we’d still have Eileen, we’d still be seeing her. im glad about that.
we got to talk about memories then. loss from times when the body was a kid. and we used the pulsers for a while. that was ok but then I started dissociating, so Eileen turned them off. she said we’d done enough work with them. I was glad we stopped. I didn’t think I could continue to work on the memories. Eileen ask me about the belief I had about myself. I told her I believe I feel that I am too much, and that I am bad. we talked about that belief for a while then.
then liz offered to help us by supporting us more. she said she didn’t realise how badly we were struggling, neither did Carol anne. they offered to come closer by us and offer their support to us. I liked that they offered to do that. it felt nice to have a grown ups support.
we don’t ask sometimes for help when we need it because we are scared. sometimes we don’t tell the grown ups in the bigger system that it is one of us and not Emily. we get scared to tell our names, and be recognised.
we are going to work with Eileen on asking more for help when we need it. but next week liz and her system are going to have some time. liz has stuff she needs to talk about with Eileen. but im glad I had a little bit of therapy time today.
Jadda, 10

Woke up feeling awful

I WOKE UP FEELING AWFUL. I THINK ITS THE FACT THAT THE SPRING EQUANOX JUST PASSED. I AM A SRA SURVIVOR, SRA STANDS FOR SATANIC RITUAL ABUSE, WE SURVIVED BEING IN A CULT FOR 11 YEARS. BEING IN THAT CULT WAS HELL. THEY TURN EVERYTHING ON ITS HEAD. GOOD DAYS ARE BAD. SPECIAL DAYS ARE MADE INTO DAYS OF TERROR. ALL HOLIDAYS ARE JUST SO AWFUL.
THIS MORNING I FEEL NUMB. I TRIED TO NAME MY FEELINGS BUT I CANT. I CANT GO THERE RIGHT NOW. I FEEL NUMB AND THERE IS A DULL ACHE IN THE PIT OF MY STOMACH.
I WANT TO CRY, SCREAM, BUT I CANT. IM JUST AN UNFEELING MESS. TO FEEL IS TOO TERRIFYING.
I TOOK A SHOWER, MADE SOME TEA, AND ATE SOMETHING. THAT HAS HELPED A LITTLE. I THINK I NEED TO TAKE THINGS EASY THIS MORNING. NOT DO TOO MUCH. JUST GO SLOW. REMIND MYSELF THAT THINGS WILL CHANGE, AS THEY ALWAYS DO.
WE’RE GOING VOLUNTEERING LATER. CAROL ANNE WILL GO. I’M GOING TO STAY INSIDE I THINK. IT IS BEST IF I DO THAT.
FOR NOW THOUGH I’M GOING TO VEG IN FRONT OF THE TV.
LIZ