april who is 8

im not felin safe tonight
i fel so sad
my hart hurts
we’re all sad in here
i wish i was at eileens ofise
it helps me wen she holds me
i fel protected then
safe and warm and loved
i wish she was here now
april 8

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Getting festive!

well i’ve been getting festive tonight! i’ve been writing my christmas cards. i have a ton of cards to send out this year! so i started on the writing of them tonight. i wrote all the braille ones. i’m going to send those tomorrow. then over the weekend I’ll do the print ones as I will need help to do them. I had fun writing them all! I put on some christmas music, ou r local radio station has a christmas station running and thats what I listened to while I wrote them and it was just so much fun! it took me about an hour to write all the cards. and now my agitation is gone! yay! i’m so delighted. i knew i could distract myself. writing the cards was just the perfect distraction! now i think its time for a cuppa! and then a little more reading of blogs before i turn in for the night! hoping i will be able to sleep. not sure if i will or not. right now its not looking good for me. but we’ll see i guess. i need to hand in my prescription for the fenergan tomorrow. the sooner i can reset my body clock the better! i hope i’ll get a little sleep as i am hoping to go to the gym in the morning! all going well I’ll be there working out!

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she makes me feel safe

hhihihii everybody
its me em
im feeling good tonight
i just emailed eileen
i telled her she maked me feel safe today
and it felt good and i liked being in therapy today
the session was good
i feel like she gets us and she helps us so much
protects us and loves us and validates us
i love her for all that
i love her cuz shes so kind
and warm and caring and gentle and thoughtful
and shes realy caring and a good therapist too
my dark insiders are calmer tonight
they are scared about eileen maybe leaving us
i told her to maybe tell them she isnt going to do that
she did tell us today but they are still doubtful about it
i think they find it hard to trust
but they are working on it
it just takes a long time
cuz we’ve been hurt so much by people in the past
who said they would be there and werent leaving
and then they just did
and that hurted so much
im so thankful for eileen
shes my best therapist ever
i hope we’ll be seeing her for a real long time
i think so
im happy about that
im also happy we get a fluffy blanket in her office now
i love it
its all cosy and comfy and warm and makes me feel safe
and her holding me made me feel safe to
butterfly hugs
loves you,
emily age 12

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ATTACHMENT PAIN SUCKS

IM FEELING INCREDIBLY UNSTABLE. I KNOW WE’LL SEE EILEEN TOMORROW. IT JUST SEEMS A LIFE TIME AWAY. LOGICALLY I KNOW ITS A FEW HOURS. BUT RIGHT NOW I WANT TO HUG HER. I MISS HER SO SO MUCH. I FEEL VERY YOUNG. I FEEL VERY CLINGY. LIKE I WANT TO CLING TO HER LEGS, OR HOLD HER HAND AND HUG HER AND NOT LET GO. I FEEL SO INCREDIBLY SAD. AND LIKE BURSTING INTO TEARS. I ACTUALLY DONT THINK I CAN HOLD IT IN. I WONDER IF I CRY WILL I BE ABLE TO STOP? I JUST FEEL SO YOUNG. I FEEL SO ON EDGE. SO VULNERABLE TOO. LIKE A VERY YOUNG DISTRESSED PART IS HERE. SO NOT SURE IF ITS A PART OF ME, OR ANOTHER VERY YOUNG INSIDER. IT KINDA FEELS LIKE A YOUNGER PART OF MYSELF THOUGH. I JUST DONT KNOW. ALL I DO KNOW IS I FEEL TREMENDOUSLY NEEDY RIGHT NOW. I NEED EILEENS REASSURANCE, I NEED HER COMFORTING HUGS AND HER REASSURING WORDS OF ENCOURAGEMENT, AND OF COMFORT. I’LL HAVE TO WAIT ABOUT 15 MORE HOURS THOUGH. TIME IS TICKING BY SOOOO SLOWLY. I JUST WANT TOMORROW MORNING TO COME, I NEED IT TO COME QUICK.
LIZ

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Dr. Barry says I have made progress

So yesterday I saw dr. barry. We were discussing how its now been 1 year since Remy came over and did his assessment, met with myself, dr. barry and Eileen. Dr. Barry said she cant believe its been a year already!

I told Dr. barry that I don’t really feel I’ve made any progress in the last year. Of course she disagreed! She said I have made plenty of progress! I told her I think Eileen would say the same, but that I don’t see it!

So then we talked a little about the progress I’ve made.

She said she feels I now know my limitations, and am able to balance things, and am able to know when I need to say no, step back, or when I have too much on, or people are asking too much of me!

Where as before I’d overextend myself, and then that would lead to a crisis, she feels now that I am much more aware, and am in crisis far less due to that!

She also said that I’ve been out of hospital almost a year now, and how that’s so positive!

She also said I have navigated times of very high stress, and huge triggers very well this past year! I guess that’s true, I sorta have!

I told her how I feel like I take 2 steps forward and 3 steps back, and how that sorta frustrates me! She said that that’s the nature of healing! And I know she’s right!

She said she’s going to email or call Eileen soon. She hasn’t contacted her in a while now, and when we had that assessment last year they had planned to be in touch more regularly.

Im happy that she feels I am making progress! Just hearing her say that made me feel good!

Having her validation means a lot!

I know a lot can happen in a year. I guess, on thinking about it, I can see the huge progress I’ve made.

Just staying out of hospital for a whole year, now that’s positive!

I hope next year I will keep progressing! Eileen and I are going to fill out some paperwork for Remy when she comes back, he’s going to reassess things now, where their at, and make some more recommendations on where we should go from here.