WE ARE IN A MAJOR MENTAL HEALTH CRISIS! I AM IN SO MUCH TURMOIL! I STARTED FREAKING OUT EARLIER, AND I CANT CALM DOWN. I AM SOOO ANXIOUS. I HAVE HAD MEMORIES AND FLASHBACKS GOING ON FOR HOURS NOW. WE’VE BEEN SWITCHING LIKE CRAZY, I’VE JUST COME OUT LONG ENOUGH TO BE ABLE TO SIT DOWN TO WRITE THIS NOW. BEFORE THIS KIDS WERE ALL CRYING AND FREAKING OUT, TRIGGERFEST, WHAT A FUCKING MESS! WE ARE HAVING URGES TO SELF HARM, AND FEELING LIKE WE SHOULD JUST END IT. WE FEEL SO SO UNWELL AND VERY UNSTABLE. THINK I SHOULD TEXT EILEEN BUT DUNNO IF I CAN? AFRAID TO? JUST CAUSE I DONT WANNA BOTHER HER? LIKE CAUSE WE ONLY SAW HER YANNO TODAY? AND MAYBE SHE DOESNT WANT TO BE BOTHERED? I NEED TO PUT MY FEARS ASIDE AND JUST TEXT HER! OMG GUYS I AM IN SUCH A MESS. I’M LITERALLY SHAKING FROM HEAD TO TOE! I CANT EVEN PUT WORDS TO THE MEMORIES. THEY’RE ALL JUMBLED SNIPPETS, NOTHINGS CLEAR. ALL I GET ARE GLIMPSES, BUT WHEN I TRY TO PIECE IT TOGETHER I CANT. MY ANXIETYS THROUGH THE ROOF! I AM SO, SO ANXIOUS. I AM ANCI AND JITTERY, AND CANT SIT STILL FOR MORE THAN 5 MINUTES! HELP SOMEONE HELP ANYONE I NEED SOMEONE! I AM NOT OK!
She called me! I wasnt expecting a call from her at all! I had postponed my apt, or I was thinking it would be postponed, when I said I didnt wanna go up to the clinic due to the coronavirus outbreak. But she called me! I didnt recognise her voice when she called, and she was like, hi carol anne? And I was like, whose this? I was surprised someone was calling me who knew my name! Then of course she’s like its me Dr. Barry, and I went, oh! Hi! Thanks for calling me! It was such a nice thing! So good to chat to her! She said they are doing most appointments via phone for now at least, but they may move to using zoom later on in the month, they are awaiting the technology from their employer. If they start using zoom, that will be 3 things that I am doing that are now using it. Therapy, slimming world, and dr. barry. Good thing I learned how to use it! We talked about working from home, and she encouraged me to do my work from just one room in my house, and then to have some wind down time afterwords, which I was doing anyway. She said its important for me to take care of me during all this, do a lot of self care stuff. I am taking next week off from working, as I’ve worked every day for the last 2 weeks, and its taxing, and overwhelming to listen to people being so anxious and upset and depressed. It doesnt make me feel any less anxious or fearful thats for sure. So I’ll take a week off next week, and Dr. Barry encouraged me to do that. We talked about the social worker contacting me, which happened recently. She’s helping me to try to get more PA hours. She’s a new social worker, so I dont know her and I told Dr. Barry I wasnt very open with her since I didnt know her. Dr. Barry told me she’d explained to her about me having did, and she told me to trust her, and that the new social worker is very thorough, and she did seem that way when I spoke to her last week. We talked a little about therapy, and about meds, and about my plans now for traveling. That was most of the appointment, she said she’d make another appointment for me for 2 weeks time, and that she’d phone me again, which I am so glad about. Its a bit weird not seeing her face to face. Even she said the same thing, she said its very weird doing it over the phone. Its actually the first time me and Dr. Barry have spoken on the phone. I’m just so touched that she decided not to postpone my appointment, and that she took it upon herself to call me, even though I’d said I’d be ok with postponing, I made that decision in a rush, and was sorry after I’d made it, but now I still had my appointment, which is great.
I never went to therapy this morning. I got too overwhelmed. I tried not to cancel the session, but the anxiety got too much. At 8:30 I texted Eileen, and told her I was cancelling. I asked her if there was any possibility we could reschedule the session for later on in the week. She texted back to say at the moment she doesn’t have an opening but if she gets a cancelation she’ll get back to me.
Then I went back to bed. I didn’t really sleep though. I got maybe half an hour of good rest. The rest of the time I just layed there overthihnking and ruminating.
My friend Norma called me and we chatted, that was a good distraction. Also my friend sarah was texting me, she offered to talk to me but at the time I was too wound up and I couldn’t think straight so I said it was fine, that I’d be ok.
I rang Dr. Barrys office, and my appointment is not going ahead on Wednesday. We might be doing a phone session, the secretary needs to talk to dr. barry to see what she wants to do. So I guess I really should have tried harder to get to my therapy session, since now I don’t have any support from my mental health team for the week. Well, I can email Eileen, or text I guess, but I feel bad doing that when we didn’t have our session.
I’m still feeling very off. This self isolating has me all up in a heap. I feel triggered, really triggered by it. And I heard on the radio this morning that Ireland might actually be definitely going into a lockdown phase, because some people are being so damn stupid, going to beaches, not taking social distancing seriously, being so disrespectful of others who might get sick from their carelessness.
Its ridiculous. I guess its just a waiting game now. But they even closed macdonalds here, and I think that says a lot, most places are now closed down.
Well, I think I’ll go make some lunch, try to get my focus on something other than this damn anxiety monster, I hope it works.
ITS LIZ. TODAY DURING OUR SESSION SOME PARTS WERE FEELING VERY ANGRY. BUT WE DIDNT HAVE ANY WORDS. SO WE WERE DOING EMDR TO HELP US PROCESS SOME OF THE ENERGY SURROUNDING THE ANGER. WE DID AN EXERCISE WITH EILEEN WHERE SHE TOLD US TO TRACK OUR ANGER, TRACK ALL OF THE SENSATIONS IN OUR BODY, AND FOLLOW THEM. SO USING THE PULSERS AT FIRST, AND THEN WHEN THEY DIDNT WORK, EILEEN DID THE TAPPING ON OUR HANDS. AND IT WAS REALLY HELPFUL. ANYWAY, SHE HAD US DESCRIBE TO HER HOW WE FELT IN OUR BODY, THAT PART WAS HARD. THEN SHE SAID, NOW, IF YOUR ARMS COULD MOVE, WHAT WOULD THEY BE DOING? OUR IMMEDIATE ACTION WAS PUNCHING, SO SHE TOLD US TO DO WHAT WE FELT WE NEEDED TO WITH OUR HANDS AND ARMS. THAT FELT KINDA WEIRD TO ME THOUGH. SO THEN SHE SAID, CAN YOU PUSH YOUR HAND AGAINST MINE? SO I DID. AND SHE PUT PRESSURE ON AND I PUSHED, AND PUSHED, HARDER AND HARDER. SHE SAID IT FELT REALLY STRONG. IT SORT OF FEELS LIKE, WO! STEP BACK! SHE SAID. LIKE YOUR SAYING, IN THE PUSHING, NOBODYS GOING TO PUSH ME AROUND! THAT WAS EXACTLY IT! IT FELT SO GOOD THAT THE ANGER HAD SOMEWHERE TO GO, ALL OF THAT ENERGY, HAD SOMEWHERE TO GO. IT MADE US FEEL A SENSE OF RELIEF, A SENSE OF OH MAN THANK GOD! AND TO THINK WE ALMOST DIDNT GO TO THERAPY! IT WAS A REAL BATTLE TO GO BUT WHEN WE DID THAT PIECE OF WORK, MAN WAS I SO GLAD WE WENT! I EVEN SAID AS MUCH TO EILEEN, I TOLD HER HOW GLAD I WAS THAT WE PUSHED THROUGH OUR FEAR ABOUT GOING TO THERAPY AND IT PAYED OFF. I LOVE WHEN WE HAVE A GOOD SESSION. I MEAN WE MOSTLY ALWAYS DO BUT ITS NICE WHEN WE CAN DO A PRODUCTIVE PIECE OF WORK IN THERAPY.
So I saw Dr. Barry yesterday. We had a really great appointment. I hadnt talked to her in six weeks! I didnt realise it had been that long since I was out during our appointments! I mean not out in the body, but out in the appointment with dr. barry!
We talked about how dissociative we’ve been lately. How we’ve been really switchy and very off. Very very dissociative during the day and at night, and its actually getting to a point where it feels unmanageable and unsafe to me.
Dr. Barry was wondering what has us so off? She wondered if it was the recent contact from our abuser, I said I wasnt sure if that was why we were so dissociative, but I told her how We’ve been unable to stay grounded and in the present lately, and we’ve been working in therapy with Eileen on keeping the adult alters in the present.
That hasnt been going well for us. The adults in our system arent really able to stay focused enough to be out for long periods and stay out in the body when we’re at home. Its tough because most of the time I dont know what we’ve been doing and most of the day when I am unable to be out I dont know what has been going on when I am not out!
So Dr. barry said she wanted to try upping our clonadine, to deal with our anxiety, because she said if we get our anxiety levels down, the dissociative stuff may lessen. But she didnt up it this week. She wants to do some more reading up on the med and its uses, especially its uses in treating ptsd. She also wanted to look through our chart and see what other meds she’d thought of trying because she said we do have options and we should look into all of them before adjusting the medication.
So thats what we’re going to try, and in the meantime she told me to keep taking the fenergan for sleep because I told her we arent sleeping too good still. She said keep using all of our coping techniques that Eileen has taught us, and she encouraged us to use our blog to get support. She knows how much our blog means to us and how supportive all of our readers are and how helpful we find that in our healing.
Heres little lexi’s latest vlog!
Enjoy, she’s sooo funny!
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So I got a call this morning at around 10:30 from the weekend team. A nurse called Melissa phoned me. First she called my mom, because she had the wrong phone number for me, so when she tried it obviously I never answered and she got worried, so she called my mom, as my mom is down as my next of kin.
Anyway, when she called me, and finally got through to me, we had a nice chat. We talked about my anxiety and my low mood, and I told her I’d had very broken sleep last night. She encouraged me to get out today if I could. I told her I may go to see a friend, but I never ended up doing that. I went to my parents house instead.
She also encouraged me not to nap today. She said if I didnt that I’d probably sleep better tonight. So I havent napped. I’m still having a lot of trouble with the anxiety, I feel very anxious and am glad to be at my parents where I feel safer.
She told me that if I needed to I could call them back today as they’d be there until 5 PM today, and after that, if I needed to that I should contact the hospital if I needed to see someone, I wont have to do that though. I’m seeing Dr. Barry on Monday, so I can wait until then. I’m sure I can manage until I see her on Monday and when I do I am planning on discussing everything with her from the last few weeks and I am hopeful she’ll have some advice for me.
Melissa said they’d call me again tomorrow morning to check in with me and see how I am doing. Thats fine with me.