I cant sleep ug

Its heading for 3 AM. I am wide awake. Havent slept at all tonight. Sigh. this sucks. I wish I could sleep. I am wired. Totally and utterly wired and agitated. I am jittery and feeling kinda anci too.
Am wondering how I’ll get through the day today on no sleep. I’m sure by the time 5 PM comes I’ll crash really hard.
Is anyone up? Could use a friend and a chat.

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Its all about the bloods

yeah! it sure is! hahaha 😀

tomorrow morning I have to go to my GP. I have to get bloods taken. I am having a full blood count and having my thyroid, cholesterol and kidneys and liver checked, as well as also having an A 1 C done.

I hate needles. I am very nervous about going. I dont want to be stuck with a needle! I hope the nurse is good and will tell me before she actually takes the blood.

More to the point, I hope she can actually get a vein! I have awful veins! I mean they are really bad. Sometimes doctors cant even get a vein to come up thats how bad they are. So heres hoping the nurse can find one.

I am having my last cup of coffee now. I have to fast from midnight. I am hoping I will get good results and that maybe my diabetes is reversed if I am lucky! I wont know the results for about a week though.
carol anne

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5 skills I’m good at!

I have many skills and talents. I decided to write down a few of them. Just to remind myself that I am actually good at some things!

Singing-I love to sing. And I can actually hold a tune! I was in stage school as a kid and in my teens too. I participated in a lot of shows. I enjoy music, and I take voice lessons now and absolutely love it.

Writing-I think I am an ok writer. I’ve had this blog for years. 3 years. I had another blog before this one for 3 years also. I enjoy documenting my story. It helps me feel heard.

Listening-I feel I am a good listener. I like to listen to others. I feel I do a good job when it comes to hearing what others have to say.

Conversating-I love talking. I can hold a conversation. I am a very social person. I am outgoing and not shy unless I really dont know you. If I dont know you I may be shy at first. But once I get going I can talk for ireland, they say we have the gift of the gab in ireland, I definitely do lol.

Joking around-I love to joke around. One of the thingsI absolutely love about myself is my sense of humour. People are always telling me how funny I am. I actually love jokes and joking. We all need to laugh, because, laughter makes us feel good!

So there you have it, 5 things I am good at! 5 skills I think I have.

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Feel wobbly

Feeling off right now. Feel a bit shit if I am honest. A bit wobbly. Unstable. And emotional.

Not sure what is wrong. I just feel, crappy.

I am gonna have to try to distract myself from the feelings…easier said than done.

I think stirring up all the memories today in therapy has set us off. I hope we’re not in for a night of it now. I feel like a torrent of flashbacks is coming. I don’t know how else to describe it. I just feel a little crazy.

God I hate this feeling. I want some stability. I want this month to end. I want out and away from October.

I feel like screaming. I feel sort of insane right now. Sort of like I’m manic. Or having very manic feelings. All crazy and mixed up.

Doing some EMDR

therapy was good. intense. we did EMDR. That was good but man it was intense.
I got so much from it though. We worked on memory processing. Normally I’d rail against that but today I didn’t. Today I actually felt up to working through some memories. I felt like we could do that without actually drowning in grief and pain and trauma…
We also worked with our body. Noticing the feelings coming up. Noticing how our body felt when they came up. Just noticing…it was great. Normally I’m shit at noticing my body. I am so unaware of things and of how it feels. Not today though. Today I did good.
We worked on grounding techniques too. On coming into the here and now, coming into the present moment. Eileen worked with liz and Emily on this. And me too of course. But while she worked with us, she also invited other insiders to come into the conference room and watch what was happening, and feel it through us. We can do that. So that’s what we did. It was good.
All in all it was a great session. I’m tired now. I think a restful evening is in order. An evening where I can just chillax. Chill out. Don’t have to be anywhere or do anything either. And I don’t. My sister will drop me home in a little while, and I think I am going to just veg out this evening.
I need time to process. Time to reflect on todays session. We talked about our next couple of sessions today also. We’ll have one next Monday, and then the week of Halloween Monday is a bank holidays. We’re going to make up for it though and have our session on Thursday that week. Then the following week its back to Monday, and then Eileen is out on a training course on the 12th for a week.
She knew we’d be having a really hard time the week of Halloween, so she didn’t want us missing a session that week. I love that she’s so aware, so careful about us not having to miss any of our sessions. It really means so much to me that she is so aware of our needs.

#write 31 days, introducing, allie!

hi. im allie. im 9 years old. my long name is alicia. i go by allie though always.

im not really sure what to write about myself. in our system i am a light. i am looked after by carol anne. she is my inside mom.

sometimes i have meltdowns. i get angry. i break things. i get really upset. i cant help it. sometimes it sucks to be a kid in a grown up body.

i love my therapist. her name is eileen. i want her to be my mommy. she says she cant though. i also love my psychiatrist dr. barry. i want her to adopt me. i wish i can go live with her. but she says i cant. she said thats not possible. i wish it was though.

carol anne says its my passion in life to have dr. barry adopt me and to be taken care of by her or eileen. i suppose that is true.

i like watching cartoons. i also like disney movies. i like the movies tangled, frozen, and the little mermaid. those are my favourites to watch.

i have a besty in another system. her name is rash. she is cool. i love her and we always get in a lot of trouble. we’ve been besties for a while now. she says i crack her up like a pestachio. ha ha!

well thats all i know to tell you! i hope you liked reading this little intro thing about me.
bye for a while!
love, allie!

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Just feel so depressed

I woke up at six, despite going to bed after 2 AM. I just wasnt able to sleep any longer so got up. I am feeling very off today. Not doing well at all. I’ve decided not to go volunteering. I just dont feel up to it. I wouldnt be any use to anyone. I am feeling too depressed. I also feel fragile and I think hearing about others problems would only set me off further. So I wont go. I will ring my supervisor when she gets into work and let her know. I made myself make some breakfast. I really didnt feel up to eating or making food, but I pushed myself to do it. Its not even 8 AM here yet. I think its going to be a long day. Also the weather is crap outside. Its very windy and threatening to rain. I just let nitro out and fed him so at least I managed to see to his needs. He is important to me so I am glad I was able to see to him. My friend texted me during the night. She was worried as she texted me yesterday after my therapy session and I didnt reply to her. Truth is I was too tired to talk then. I probably should have replied to just let her know I was ok. She worries for us at this time of year because she knows its hard for us. I replied this morning. I apologised for not replying to her message sooner. I need to shower but I just dont feel like it. I know thats gross. I probably will, I just have to muster up the energy. I feel too lethargic and too depressed. Im not sure where the depression is coming from. Other than the time of year but not sure what else is causing it. All I know is I feel so awful. Feel really low and like I couldnt be bothered like I dont care about anything. Ug I hope this doesnt last for too long. Its exhausting.
carol anne

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