I just emailed eileen. I am feeling sad today. I miss her. Here is what I said in the email to her.
we have less than a week to go until your home. Yay. I cant wait until your home! I miss you so bad!
we’re trying to have fun and do fun things. its hard though and we’re sad a lot cuz your gone!
I really cant wait until the 20th. That is when we will see her again. I am so looking forward to it.
anxiety fucking sucks! Feeling great and then dipping very suddenly really really fucking blows.
And I dont even know why it happened!
arrrrg! Going to cuddle my dog. Needing a bit of pet therapy.
damn you anyway anxiety!
OK, I TOOK US OFF PRIVATE. I AM GOING TO BE VERY HONEST HERE AS TO WHY WE FELT LIKE WE HAD TO GO PRIVATE WITH OUR BLOG. WE DIDNT SAY ALL OF THE REASONS IN THE POST WHERE WE SAID WE’D GO PRIVATE.
FIRSTLY WE HAVE EVERYONE WHO ASKED FOR ACCESS APPROVED, SO IF, FOR ANY REASON WE HAVE TO TAKE OUR BLOG PRIVATE IN THE FUTURE, THEN YOU’LL ALL STILL HAVE ACCESS TO IT. AND WONT NEED TO ASK FOR ACCESS AGAIN. SO WE CAN KINDA COME AND GO AS WE PLEASE GO PRIVATE AND BACK TO PUBLIC AS WE PLEASE, WITHOUT LOSING ANY OF OUR READERS!
BUT REALLY, WE MADE THIS SPACE TO RAISE AWARENESS OF DID, OF PTSD AND OF MENTAL ILLNESS. AND WE LOVE OUR SPACE. AND WE LOVE OUR FOLLOWERS AND READERS AND FRIENDS SO MUCH ON WP.
BUT…YES THERE IS A BUT.
SOME OF OUR FOLLOWERS NEVER INTERACT WITH US, THEY READ SILENTLY, THEY NEVER COMMENT, THEY NEVER LET US KNOW IF POSTS RESONATE WITH THEM, AND THATS A LITTLE DISCONCERTING IF I AM TOTALLY HONEST. IT MAKES US UNEASY AND FEEL UNSAFE TO HAVE NO INTERACTION BUT LOADS OF FOLLOWERS.
SO I AM ASKING, VERY NICELY, FOR OUR FOLLOWERS TO PLEASE OCCASIONALLY COMMENT, TO LET US KNOW YOUR THERE, YOU HEAR US, READ AND ARE BEING HELPED BY OUR POSTS, OR HOW OUR POSTS ARE IMPACTING YOU.
NOW THIS IS NOT GOING OUT TO OUR REGULAR COMMENTERS, YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, WHO ALWAYS LEAVE US COMMENTS ON OUR POSTS, WE’RE NOT ASKING YOU, AS YOU ALREADY DO INTERACT ON A DEEP LEVEL WITH US.
BUT THIS IS ONE MAIN REASON WHY WE WENT PRIVATE AND WHY CAROL ANNE WANTED TO GO OFF THE RADAR.
THE SECOND REASON WAS SPAM AND SPAMMERS. THEY ARE SO IRRITATING AND ANNOYING. AND WE ARE SO TIRED OF HAVING LOTS OF SPAM COMMENTS IN OUR SPAM CUE TO REMOVE AND DELETE.
IT GETS SO OLD AFTER A WHILE. I KNOW WE CAN JUST DO IT BUT WE ARE SO TIRED OF IT. WE SHOULDNT HAVE TO SPEND OUR TIME WEEDING THROUGH STUPID SPAM COMMENTS.
THOSE ARE AND WERE OUR MAIN REASONS. WE ARE SORRY IF WE WORRIED ANY OF YOU. WE WILL GO BACK TO HAVING OUR BLOG PUBLIC FOR NOW AT LEAST. AND HOPEFULLY SOME OF OUR FOLLOWERS, THERE ARE 2600 OF YOU, WILL INTERACT MORE WITH US, AND NOT LURK AROUND SO MUCH JUST READING OUR POSTS.
ITS LIZ. I AM REALLY NOT OK. IM NOT COPING.
MY GOOD FRIEND DEB MADE ME A LIST OF WORDS THAT SHE SAID MIGHT DESCRIBE HOW I AM FEELING…THANKS DEB, IT REALLY HELPED!
SO HERE I GO, I WILL ATTEMPT TO DESCRIBE MY EMOTIONS AS THEY ARE RIGHT NOW…
I FEEL CRAZY, IRRITATED, ANNOYED, UNLOVED, CROSS, ANGRY, PISSY, OVERWHELMED, FURIOUS, UNHAPPY, GUILTY, ASHAMED, JEALOUS, INSECURE, UNMOTIVATED, SAD, FRUSTRATED.
IS THAT ENOUGH?ENOUGH THAT YOU NOW REALISE I AM A HOT MESS?
WELL I AM! DAMN!
I AM HURTING EVERYTHING IS A MESS MY EMOTIONS ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE I CANT DEAL I JUST CANT DEAL I FEEL SO OVERWHELMED I WANT TO CUT I THINK THAT’D MAKE ME FEEL BETTER AT LEAST TEMPORARILY I KNOW I WONT THOUGH I WILL NOT DO WHAT MY EMOTIONS ARE TELLING ME TO DO THOUGH INSTEAD I WILL SIT HERE I WILL READ MY BOOK I WILL DRINK COFFEE I WILL TRY NOT TO WALLOW I WILL TRY TO DISTRACT BY GOING THROUGH EMAIL AND THEN FACE TIMING MY FRIEND LATER TONIGHT I COULD REALLY USE SOME SUPPORT IF ANYONE CAN MANAGE IT
hi it is emily. im 12. im very scared. there is so much internal fighting going on. its hard for me. i know everything about our system. i dont like when the darks fight. it makes me so nervous. eileen says i need to let go and be 12. but how can i? i have to be responsible and make sure things are running smoothly. she said no i dont. that i need to let the adults do it, take care of things. she said its important for me to just be a kid. liz says she’ll take care of things. she said i have to trust her. so im trying hard to trust that she knows what she’s doing.
hi everbudy me be at voluntering me alowed ote here nobudys wachin us so it saf to com ote i am siping carol annes cofee lexi did too we took a turn each to tast it it is strong i don think i lik it very much