all i can do is ride the wave. and that, my friends is what ive been doing for the last two hours.
ive been reading, and texting, and binging on netflicks shows, and downloading media, anything and everything to keep busy…
because when im busy im not anxious, im not emotional, im not crazy…
im not a mess of insanity…
its going on for 6 AM. after countless cups of tea and coffee, and no sleep, its time to face another day.
question for you all my loyal and faithful readers…
if you had some words of wisdom for me right now. something that you’d tell me to do to ride out this wave and get through the storm, what would they be?
It be darina
and want to kno somfin
I wish I had reeces penut buter cups
I love them
and I don got any
actuly I gots no candees here
everbudy shud kno littles need candees
who liks penut buter cups
jus in case yu woner why I rit lik this
I am a insidr
in this body and I am six
six yars old
and dats jus how I rit
I like food all food
and sweets and cookies
and cake and stuf hahahaha
I wanna kno whose gona share ther candees wif me
and I need some candys
darina ballerina hoose six
I managed to sleep for about 40 mins, woke up feeling so triggered, had a horrible nightmare, felt bugs crawling all over me, the prazacin i took tonight obviously isnt helping, hate this, triggers suck so much.
I’M A HOT MESS TONIGHT. OH YES I AM. TRYING TO HELP LIZ RUN THINGS IN OUR SYSTEM, WELL ITS HER SYSTEM NOT MINE BUT I AM HELPING HER OUT SHE IS STRESSING OUT. REPORTER ALTERS ARE AROUND AND THEY ARE TRYING TO CAUSE CHAOS. ZOE AND ALANNA BOTH ARE WORKING IN THERAPY WITH EILEEN NOW AND THAT HAS STIRRED UP OTHERS AND THEY ARE WREAKING HAVOC. ITS A NIGHTMARE. WE’RE JUST A CRAZY HOT MESS. AND I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO FOR THE BEST. THESE ALTERS NEED NEW JOBS. CONTACTING OUR ABUSERS FROM THE PAST BECAUSE THEY THINK ITS THEIR JOB, THATS JUST NUTS.
i’m a girl who cant make up my mind
what to do
where to go
should i stay
should i run
and hide away
i should blog
they are here
they are there for me
through thick and thin
and i love them for it
appreciate the friendship
and support i get
wouldnt be with out it
so i stay
and i pray
no toxic people
and i hope
that i have made the right decision
I don’t know how not to swear. I want to say: “Oh, this is pretty”. I will say: “This is the nicest fucking piece of shit I’ve ever seen in my damn life!”
HI ITS ZOE
SO THIS MORNING I SAID I DIDNT WANT TO GO TO THERAPY. I WAS NERVOUS OF GOING? WELL I WENT. AND I’M GLAD I DID. I’M GLAD I DIDNT CANCEL. LIZ WOULDNT LET ME CANCEL. SHE SAID I NEEDED TO GO AND FACE MY FEARS. AND SO I DID.
WE TALKED ABOUT THE EMAIL I SENT HER. THE CONTENTS OF IT. SHE SAID SHE HEARD MY LONGING IN IT. HEARD MY PAIN AND THAT SHE KNOWS I AM HURTING. SHE SAID THE REASON SHE DIDNT RESPOND WAS BECAUSE CAROL ANNE MADE AN AGREEMENT WITH HER THAT SHE WOULD ONLY RESPOND IN AN EMERGENCY, AND ALSO, SHE WOULD NOT RESPOND TO ONE AND NOT ALL INSIDERS, BECAUSE THAT ISNT FAIR TO THE REST OF THE INSIDERS WHO ARE EMAILING.
I DIDNT KNOW OF THAT AGREEMENT. BUT IT MAKES SENSE. I FELT HURT WHEN SHE DIDNT RESPOND TO ME AND I TOLD HER THAT TODAY. SHE ASKED IF I FELT ANGRY. I SAID NO JUST HURT.
WE TALKED ABOUT HOW ITS BETTER TO TALK FACE TO FACE INSTEAD OF THROUGH EMAIL, ESPECIALLY WHEN ITS ABOUT STUFF TO DO WITH ATTACHMENT AND THINGS LIKE THAT. SHE SAID YOU GET MORE FROM FACE TO FACE CONTACT, LIKE THE PERSON IS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF YOU, YOU CAN HAVE CONTACT WITH THEM, THROUGH TOUCH AND FACIAL EXPRESSION ETC. SHE SAID WORDS ON A SCREEN CAN BE MISENTERPRETED AND ITS JUST NOT THE SAME.
I DO AGREE WITH HER ON THAT.
THEN WE TALKED ABOUT THE EMAIL. I HAD SAID IN IT THAT I MISSED HER AND WAS CRYING AND FELT REALLY DISSOCIATIVE. SHE ASKED ME HOW OLD I FELT WHEN I WROTE IT. I SAID MAYBE 3. SO THEN SHE HAD ME GO TO THAT 3 YEAR OLD PART OF ME AND SIT BY HER. SHE GAVE ME THE PULSERS AND WE WORKED FOR A WHILE WITH THE 3 YEAR OLD. WE TALKED THROUGH HER FEELINGS AND WE CRIED A LOT.
SHE KEPT BRINGING ME BACK TO THE PRESENT EVERY SO OFTEN, GROUNDING ME TO THE ROOM, TALKING TO ME ABOUT MY LIFE NOW, THE COURSES I’M DOING, VOLUNTEERING, FAMILY STUFF, AND THEN SHE’D ASK ME TO FLASH BACK TO THE 3 YEAR OLD AGAIN.
IT WAS DRAINING WORK.
BUT I’M GLAD I WENT WE DID GET SO MUCH WORK DONE.
THERAPY IS SO HARD THOUGH.