Clamming up…losing my words…

I have so much I wanna say. I cant. I am lost for words.

My chest is tight my stomach hurts.

I feel clammy, sick, sweaty.

I am losing my shit. I wanna talk but I cant. I need to. I just cant though.

Everything is wrong. So much going on. I just need someone to hear me. Hear what I am not saying…

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The book pimped

I’m reading a fantastic book at the moment, it’s called pimped and it’s by Samantha Owens. It’s a really really good read and I would highly recommend it.

It’s a non-fiction book, a memoir, a true life story.

The thing is this poor teenager had to go through our shocking, really shocking. But they are all to relate able to me some of them at least especially the sexual abuse. Since I was abused not in the same way but in a similar way. I mean I wasn’t pimped out to men, it wasn’t that sort of abuse, but I was raped and so I can relate to what she went through in that way.

If you’re not easily triggered, and you enjoy true stories, I would highly recommend this book to you.

It’s available on audible and probably in kindle format as well.

taylors therapy time

me gots to tok to eileen in therapy yeserday
it was nice
i like it wen i get to com e out to talk
it is hard somtims but not all the time
yeserday i camed out cuz i got skard
i was feling unsafe
we was workin wif ar body
that maked me feel unsafe
so i came out then
eileen came and sat next to me
and then her ask if she can hold me
i said ok cuz i like it when she holds me
so she came and sat and put her hands around my back and shoulders
it felt so nice
she makes me fel safe
she held me tight like that for a long time
we toked and she held me
it felt so so good
we talked about memories
and we talked about tv shows
i tol her i dont lik it when the grown ups wach law and order SVU
it makes me remeber bad things
she said shed tok to them bout it
and she promised me i dont gots to wach it if i dont wanna
that i can go away inside when the grown ups do that
so i will
i dont like that show
it has scary thing on it
bad things hapen to peple on it
i think eileen did talk to carol anne later on about it
eileen says i get trigered by that show
i gess so i dont know
but that mosly wat we tok bout
that and memories of dublin
and eileen ask me what i notice bout her office
what do i notise wen i come in there
it was good therapy time
i liked having time to tok to her
love
taylor six

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therapy, being present

TODAY IN THERAPY I GOT TO CHAT TO EILEEN AND WE TALKED ABOUT BEING PRESENT IN YOUR BODY. THATS SUPER HARD FOR US. WE DONT DO WELL WITH THAT AT ALL. SHE HAD ME WALK AROUND THE ROOM, SO I COULD GROUND MYSELF AND ORIENTATE MYSELF TO HER OFFICE. USUALLY SHE GUIDES ME BUT TODAY SHE HAD ME WALK AROUND ON MY OWN. SHE TOLD ME TO TOUCH EVERYTHING, SO I DID. THAT WAS GOOD. COMFORTING. AND IT DID HELP TO ORIENTATE ME. I FELT SAFE. COMFORTED BY ALL OF THE THINGS IN HER OFFICE. WHEN I SAT BACK DOWN WE TALKED ABOUT MY BODY AND BECOMING AWARE OF IT. EVEN THOUGH WE’RE AN ADULT NOW, WE’RE NOT CONSCIOUSLY BODY AWARE. EILEEN SAID WE’RE AFRAID TO INHABIT OUR BODY. I THINK I AGREE. WE ARE SO AFRAID OF OUR BODY. SO I STOOD UP AGAIN AND WE DID A FEW EXERCISES WHERE SHE HAD ME NOTICE THE DIFFERENT MUSCLE ROUPS THAT ARE HOLDING UP MY LEGS, ARMS ETC. THAT WAS WEIRD. I MEAN I WAS ABLE TO DO IT, BUT IT JUST FELT WEIRD SOMEHOW. IT WAS INTERESTING TO ME TO DO THIS. WE TALKED ABOUT MINDFULNESS AND SHE GAVE ME SOME HOMEWORK FOR THE WEEK. SHE TOLD ME TO TRY TO COME MORE INTO THE PRESENT, AND IF I FEEL MYSELF DISSOCIATING TO DO SOMETHING TO BRING MYSELF BACK TO THE PRESENT. EASIER SAID THAN DONE BUT I SAID I’D TRY IT. SO I WILL. IT WAS A GOOD SESSION. THAT WASNT THE WHOLE SESSION BUT IF OTHERS WANT TO TALK ABOUT THEIR PART I’LL LET THEM WRITE ABOUT IT SEPARATELY. I KINDA GOT PUSHED OUT OF THE WAY DURING THE SESSION BY TAYLOR THE LITTLE QUIRT. SHE JUST POPPED OUT ALL OF A SUDDEN AFTER WE DID THE BODYWORK. I THINK SHE FELT A LITTLE SPOOKED BY IT. I DIDNT MIND REALLY. SHE NEEDED EILEENS COMFORT JUST AS MUCH AS I DID.

Song of the day…speechless, from aladdin

I love this song. I can relate to it right now. I feel like this at the moment. Too much going on in my head at the moment to try to explain so I will just put the song here.

Amy, age 15

Allie

im so sad. i havent be ok since therapy last week. its been hard. i been crying a lot. i hate memories. they really really suck. i wish i didnt have to remember. i just hate that the memories come. they make me feel so bad.

i emailed eileen a few times. shes so nice to me. she even texted us last week and we had a phone check in. that felt good. i felt safe hearing her voice. it felt ok when she chatted to us. i only feel safe around her. and dr. barry. i dont really feel safe mostly at other times.

tonight im upset. im just sad. i been crying a lot. cant stop crying. my heart hurts. so does my insides. my tummy too. it is awful.

it is only just gone 5 AM now. i been up for hours. i cant sleep. im afraid to go to sleep.

allie 9


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Here come the bad thoughts

Thoughts of death are creeping in. Man I hate this!
I hate having such bad thoughts. Dark thought too at that.
I want to go to sleep! But sleep isn’t coming!
I am so not in the mood for a tough night!
I can use some support if anyones around.
I feel really agitated and on edg! Ug!