Low mood

I am feeling really off today. my moods so low. so i went to mom and dads. i rang mom and i told her i felt off. i asked her if it would be ok if I came over. Of course she said yes that I should come over. So I did. I just feel so down. I’m struggling with memories, and intense emotions. The memories are awful. Its so hard to feel them come up. I had to ring amanda who is my PA and tell her I wouldnt be able to do our hours tomorrow. She was ok with that though. Because I didnt give her enough notice, she will still get payed. You had to give 24 hours notice or more before the PA doesnt get payed. I dont really feel up to doing anything this evening, so I think I’ll just chill out. Read and stuff. Just want to try to get through the rest of tonight. Sarah the CPN rang today also. Dr. barry had spoken to her and she’s going to ring me the weeks that I dont see dr. barry. So I’ll see dr. barry one week and on the alternative week Sarah will phone me. We had a good chat. She’s really nice and very understanding. She said I can do this I can get through the month and I will be ok, I just have to keep reminding myself that this month is half over now and I can make it through it. She is right, I know I can. I just do need to keep saying that to myself and hopefully that will help me get through it.

Virus-free. www.avg.com

Early appointment today with dr. barry

so just got done seeing dr. barry. I had an early apt today. I got there around 8:30 AM. I didnt see her until 9:30 though as she doesnt come in until around 9:15.

The first thing she did when I got in to her office was apologise to us. She said she takes full responsibility for Sarah not contacting us when she was on vacation. The reason she didnt contact us was because Dr. barry wrote her a note, but then she put it in her own area where all of her own paperwork is kept, instead of putting it where sarah would see it. It was an accident. She obviously didnt mean to do it. She said on the friday before she left she did think of it and she was going to text Sarah and make sure she knew to contact us but then she thought well I’ve written her a note so she knows to contact them, so she never did text her. And obviously sarah didnt get any note as it was in dr. barrys stack of paperwork. Sarah did know about it since Mark our OT told her after we’d talked to him about it last week. She knew how disappointed we were. Dr. barry said she felt really bad for us. She said the next time she’d double check, and make sure the referral went to sarah. I am not mad any more as I know it was a genuine accident on dr. barrys part. She would never do that sort of thing intentionally to us. She knows we were depending on that check in so I know she wouldnt do that to us.

We did end up telling her about our friend and the overdose. She wasnt pleased that it happened and she said that I need to definitely talk to her, which I have done, so I told her I did and we worked it out. I told her not to say anything about it to our friend, unless she brings it up, dr. barry said that if she does bring it up, she will be saying to her that what she did to us was totally inappropriate and she shouldnt have done that. She said fair enough if we were part of her safety plan, that yes she could have contacted us, but never over text, that if we had agreed to be on her list of nominated contacts that then she could have called us, but we’d have had to agree to that prior to this and we hadnt, so she shouldnt have involved us in that way.

We talked about therapy and we told her about our latest two sessions. We also told her how mad eileen was about what happened with our friend, she said it wasnt surprising that Eileen was annoyed, that she could see how she would be. We talked to her about the EMDR we’d done, and then I told her about how Emily is struggling right now with suicidal ideation and thoughts, but I was telling her its constant with her, that she always has suicidal thoughts and just doesnt act on them.

Dr. Barry told me that her team is changing and some of the team are moving on, because they’ve gotten promotions. Her OT on the team got promoted, and she will be leaving soon. The social worker Mary left last week, and obviously her last social worker Karen also was promoted and left. She said they dont have any replacement yet for Mary, and there might not be one for a while. She was telling me she hates change. And with her team, she’s had the same people working on it for ages, and so now that there is change and new people coming on bord it will be hard.

Also, we’re moving buildings soon. The building we see dr. barry in now is very old, and a new purpose built facility was built and will hold lots of doctors, and physios, OT’s, etc, lots of medical people, so the new facility wont just be for mental health, like the building that they are in now, it is just for mental health. Anyway, the move will be happening soon. I am very nervous about it since its a bigger building, and more space, and harder to navigate. Dr. barry said that I can ring before coming in, and she’ll have someone meet me until I get used to the building. I’m glad about that.

So overall a good appointment. I felt validated and heard, but then I always do.

Virus-free. www.avg.com

CPN appointment

this week we also saw our cpn sarah. that went well.
I really am liking sarah. I’ve only seen her 3 or 4 gtimes but she is so kind, and friendly, and just a really understanding person.
I talked to her about the episode we had where lottie went outside in our pajamas in the middle of the night that was last monday night, and it was raining, and cold, and none of us knew what happened until dj, destiny joy, another insider, came out and told us what had taken place, as she is a watcher and was able to watch what lottie was doing! but she wasnt able to take control of the body!
sarah said how that must have been so frightening for us. it was!
Thats how we got to talking about lottie, formerly named psycho girl in therapy. and then as you all know she came out and talked with eileen and changed her name from psycho girl to charlotte or lottie for short.
i think sarah was shocked when i told her about the episode. she didnt say she was, but you could tell by her voice that what i was telling her had an impact on her.
we talked about the independent living skills course I am doing. I just told her how it was going, and we talked about the techniques I am using to cope when I get overwhelmed.
so yeah it was a good apt. we are meeting again in two weeks. and i think she’s coming to our assessment also.
carol anne

third session with sarah and dad update

today we had our third session with sarah. we had a good session.
we told her all about getting the place on the independent living skills course. she congratulated us. said it was a great opportunity. of course she told us to mind ourselves because we are going to be so busy, dont forget to do self care things, was what she said.
we talked about when we could meet now that i’d be super busy all week every week. the only times i can meet her are either wednesday when i see dr barry or on friday afternoons. i really would prefer to see her on a different day than when I see dr. barry. the next time we meet it will be on a thursday, 3 weeks from now.
when i start the ILS course next week i’ll do one week then I’ll be off for a week bc they are on midterm.
so i’ll see her during the week I am off.
she said I sounded good today. like I am excited. and I am. She said I seemed ok. Its true I felt ok.
Update on my dad…he saw his gastroenterologist today. She didnt start him on any treatment for his bowel issue. She did however start him on injections for his brittle boan. She seemed to be worried about it, said his bones werent too good at all. she told him to continue the physio to retrain his bowel. his liver ultrasound came back ok, surprisingly. he does have fatty tissue though surrounding his liver. he came home and was disappointed that she didnt really do much. did you ask questions? i asked him. no not really was his answer. why not? i said. I couldnt be bothered. well dad, if you dont ask, you dont get answers.

Seeing Sarah

this morning we met sarah the CPN. she was really nice. We were really nervous going to meet her but we neednt have been. She put us at ease from the start. She asked me when I went in if it was carol anne she was talking to. I told her it was and she said would it be ok if she called us Shirley while we were in the waiting room, and then once she called us back she’d call us by whoever was out at the time. I said that was ok with us. We used Dr. barrys office today. We went through our history and sarah had taken out our file and read up so she knew a lot about us which I thought was really great. She knew who our supports were, who we linked in with from the mental health team, what our hobbies were, a little bit about our diagnosis etc. I was able to fill her in on what she didnt know. We talked about our family and I told her our mom tries but that she isnt very accepting of our diagnosis and she isnt very supportive a lot of the time. I also told her of my dads alcoholism and how he is physically ill with UC right now and that being around him can be hard for us. She asked me about karen leaving, how I was feeling about it now. I told her I am still not over it and that I find it hard to think about it. I was so used to Karen being there, being a support for me even if I didnt use her. I was used to just being able to pick up the phone and ring her if I needed too. Sarah said if there was anything she could do for me she would, she said if I needed to bring up anything in particular during the sessions I could, I said I’d rather keep them pretty general right now, that I didnt feel there was anything in particular I’d like to work on. We decided we’d meet every two week up until christmas, so I’ll have six sessions with her. Then we’ll review it. I probably wont have any more than that though because by then Karens replacement will be after starting and I’ll be linked in with her. It was a good appointment though and I liked sarah a lot. She was warm, caring, compassionate, open, friendly and very down to earth. Just what you would need in a community psychiatric nurse.

Initial appointment with my CPN

so sarah called me this afternoon to set up an appointment. you remember i will be seeing sarah, who is a cpn community psychiatric hnurse on dr. barrys team, for 2 months, she is going to help me process karens leaving?
well she called and we set up an initial appointment for next friday the 15th. at 10:30 AM. I am so nervous about meeting her. I am nervous because I have never worked with her before and I dont know what to expect. I am just hoping it will be ok and will go well. I have to think positively I suppose. She seems nice, so hoping we’ll get along well with her.
carol anne