Clara having memories

Its Clara. I am 15. I wanted to write. I just realised why the kids crying triggers me so much.
I remember when we were at school, at the bording school. We were made to take care of the younger girls. The younger kids. We had to dress them, feed them, wash them…the staff who worked there expected us to do it, they didn’t care that we were also just kids. They just expected us to do their work for them. I don’t know why they had the job of caring for us. They certainly didn’t do it.
I just realised that this is a huge trigger for me. Hearing our littles cry, seeing them sad, and upset, it triggers huge overwhelm in me. I feel helpless. Hopeless, out of control. I feel as if I am literally unable to breathe. Just the sound…god the sound. It makes me feel like running away, far far away.
I emailed Eileen about it. I told her what I remembered. I told her how I felt. I had to tell her. I knew she’d understand. I knew she’d get how I felt.
I’m feeling so unwell tonight. I feel agitated. Very shaky. Very sad and hopeless.
Why did I have to do a job that was not what I should have been doing? Why? Those staff who looked after us, well they didn’t, but they were employed to do that. To look after us. They should have done so. I shouldn’t have had the job of caring for other blind kids. That was not fair on me.
Clara age 15

POETRY, TINY CHILD SO WILD!

tiny child so wild

you roar with great spirit

you cry so loud sometimes

i know everyone can hear it

tiny child so wild

what hurts your heart so

i wish i could help you out

give you a hug and not let go

tiny child so wild

why do you push me away

is there anything that i can do

even one word i can say

tiny child so wild

who has broken you

i wish i had a magic wand

or at least loves bottle of glue

tiny child so wild

how do i piece you back together

your fragile wings are broken now

and i can’t even fix one feather

tiny child so wild

howl with all your might

let out the feelings that hold you down

and bind you with their fright

tiny child so wild

i love you my dear

i wipe your eyes time and again

and wish away each tear

tiny child so wild

if there is anything i can do

let me know in some way

because i am here for you

C2012

THIS WAS WRITTEN BY ME, LIZ IN HONOUR OF OUR YOUNGEST INSIDERS, WHO WERE STRUGGLING SO MUCH WHEN I WROTE THIS POEM.

https://thebeewritesdownloads.wordpress.com/2018/12/31/wild-mondayprompt-for-week-1510-21102012/comment-page-1/#comment-6359

Virus-free. www.avg.com

#SoCs-Organ!

Lindas prompt for SoCs this week is…organ.

****
One Christmas when I was 8 I got an organ as a gift. I loved it. It was a huge organ, on a stand. I would sit for hours playing it, I think that Is where my love of music started. All my little friends would come in the house in to my bedroom and we’d have contests and competitions to see who could play the best. I’m sure it drove my mom crazy but she was a good sport about it. I had that organ for years. I cant actually remember what happened to it. I must have outgrown it at some point though. It is one of my childhood memories that I treasure. I went on to learn piano and I think my love of the piano all started when I would bang tunes out on my organ.
Those were very happy days.

The Friday Reminder and Prompt for #SoCS July 21/18

Saturday Q and A

what was your favourite childhood toy?

My answer, well, it was my baby doll! she was like the size ofa new born. she was cloth but she had rubber arms and legs. i used to play moms and dads with my best friend and we’d have hours of fun wheeling our babies in dolls prams or buggies all around the neighbourhood. i used to dress her up in real baby clothes too! she was so cool and I had her for years! I think I had her until I was about 11 or 12. And until she fell apart.

POETRY

YOU LOOK ME OVER
I SHUDDER
I KNOW WHERE THIS IS GOING
I KNOW WHAT YOU’LL DO NEXT
YOU INSTRUCT ME
TAKE OFF YOUR CLOTHES
I OBEY
SCARED AND FRIGHTENED
ALONE AND WITH NO ONE TO HELP ME
I SHUDDER AGAIN
WHEN WILL THIS NIGHTMARE END
I DO WHATYOU SAY
BECAUSE ITS JUST EASIER THAT WAY
BUT INSIDE
I’M CRYING
DYING
CRINGING
FEELING DEAD
SEEING RED
WANT TO END IT
WANT TO QUIT
YOU DO THE DEED
THE PAIN, I FEEL
THEN YOU LEAVE
AND I START TO HEAVE
VOMITING EVERYWHERE
I CANT BEAR
TO THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU JUST DID
OR THAT I’M JUST A KID

Get to know us. our early life

a little about my early life…
i was born 13 weeks premature, my mom was only 17 she she had me.
i was in an incubator for 3 months, and had very limited contact with my parents, i weighed 2 pound 8 ounces at birth.
we lived with my dads parents and siblings for the first 2.5 years of my life. they are all alcoholics, and a lot of abuse took place when we were living there.
there was fighting, violence, emotional abuse. it was not a good atmosphere to live in.
our mom always says she was terrified living there, she had no alcoholism in her family, so wasnt used to that kinda atmosphere.
at age 2 we got our own place, and we moved with our parents to our own house. life got a little easier then. for a while at least.

A victim of sexual abuse

Tears are always running down my face
I hang my head low thinking “what a disgrace?”
The tears are coming from all the damage you caused
What do you want now, a round of applause?

I’ve watched you rape and molest me right before my eyes
Now the only thing left to do is cry
You stole my virginity without my consent
PLEASE tell me why this is the way it went

All I wanted was for you to get off of me
But getting you off of me just wasn’t that easy
You hit me in my face then ripped my shirt
Then you pushed it in to the point where it hurt

I remember it like it was yesterday
Answer this, will I ever forget about this and be okay?
The thoughts are crucial & all I can do is cry
Sometimes I just think then ask myself “why didn’t I die?”

The bastard didn’t care if I lived or if I died
All he cared about was being satisfied
I feel dirty, I feel low, I feel used
I’ll always know that I’m a victim of sexual abuse!