If you could say just one thing to your younger self, what would you choose to say?
Alex, evolution of self, has very kindly offered to guest post on my blog! He has written a personal narrative about his childhood experiences growing up with abusive parents! Here is his story!
Alex you’ve been very courageous in telling it!
I am so glad you survived and are a fighter!
I would like to start by introducing myself
Hi I am Alex
Many have grown up with mesmerizing moments from their childhood had two loving parents”
I was not one of those: starting from the aged of 9 until I was 16, I was subjected to horrific physical brutality from my biological mother whom we will refer to “it”
its level of hatred was cast onto me because of how much I reminded it of my Father. When my Father was home I never had a need to fear or think I was walking on shattered glass.
I also understood what he was doing was rid of the world of Nemesis so when he would leave on an assignment I been asked why I didn’t tell my Father? and I was told by “it” if I did she would inform his C.O that he was doing things to me” and in the Armed Forces that is a Death sentence. I would be left in clutches of Mommy dearest and its twisted sadistic desires and pleasures. Many times it would be an unbearable and fucking nightmare a lot where I endured was in what I called the “Basement of Secrets” I would be forcefully confined to a chair and whipped for hours with black licorice. There were times I wouldn’t be allowed to go to school because I would be healing from the beatings and welts. At a very young age, I learned and embrace the darkness as my numbing solace and was welcomed with open arms.
I had a mate of mine who’s alcoholic Father was abusing him physically I gave him pat on the back and he yelled ouch. had a massive bruise on his lower back…so I thought if they believe him why not me?
So I reached out with desperation to be resurrected from that living hell and was laughed and mocked at because what I was telling them was so surreal.
Many mornings I would wake up having knives throwing at my feet or cans frozen juice whipped at me to see my reflexes.
That night I strongly believe and cringed in paralyzing fear that I would not see the Sunrise again. After being crushed and losing all hope that others would help me. I knew if I was going to survive this fucking living Hell it would be because of (ME)
Ironic thing and fucked up one is the person who was sexually abusing me saw me more as a human being …I guess I choose the lesser of two evils.
So THEM that tried to break me, ripped me into never was ‘thought they could extinguish my Life
Though fucking wrong yes you laid waste and wreak havoc all over my body and mind with scars even though I still breathe I have been shattered into pieces.
I was always taught by my Father that no matter what keep going but last December before Christmas I was not myself I would put on a smile and act like I was fine but far far from it.
Never in million yrs did I think what was going on with me would this. I also didn’t know there was a more voracious and vicious bastard to PTSD but I do know now” I live with it every day as a constant reminder by Roller Coaster I ride.
Thank you for listening to My Story if you know anyone that is struggling never let them think they are lashing out in silent terror.
What was the most challenging thing about your childhood?
Jim adams is the wonderful host of song lyric sunday. Each week he gives us a prompt and this weeks one i loved!
find a song that fits the prompt Dream/Lullaby/Sleep.
Here are the “rules”:
Post the lyrics to the song of your choice, whether it fits the theme or not. If it does not fit, then please explain why you chose this song.
Please try to include the songwriter(s) – it’s a good idea to give credit where credit is due.
Make sure you also credit the singer/band and if you desire you can provide a link to where you found the lyrics.
Link to the YouTube video, or pull it into your post so others can listen to the song.
Ping back to this post will eventually work, as long as you are being patient, but you can also place your link in the comments if you don’t like to wait.
Read at least one other person’s blog, so we can all share new and fantastic music and create amazing new blogging friends in the process.
Feel free to suggest future prompts.
Have fun and enjoy the music.
I love this lullabye I am choosing. Its a favourite of mine.
you stole my innocence
You stole my childhood
you were so vile, so cruel
you didn’t care how it made me feel
you didn’t care what you did to me
you just did what you wanted
you were a psychopath
someone who doesn’t feel any remorse
I was just a little girl
I didn’t have a choice
I had to do your bidding
I didn’t get a say
How cruel is that
I am filled
With deep shame
When I think of you
You told me
I was a nothing
If I didnt
Listen to you
That I should
Never question it
Were you lying?
What do you miss most about being a kid?