its allie. and my eyes are burning from crying. i hurt all over. but its not a physical pain, altho my heart feels like someones squeezing it outa my chest.
i need a hug. but aint nobody here to hug me. im all alone. i miss eileen. i wish i could text her right now. i did email her. but she doesnt respond to emails. i know she reads it but i really want a response.
why is night time so hard?
I hate it. if anyones up, send a virtual hug my way.
its me allie and tonight i am sad. my heart is hurting. i cant get it to stop hurting. i am just sad. everything is feeling so hopeless. i want to change and be happy and be positive. i realy would like it if i could be happy. but i just cry and feel sad and get mad and feel angry and then am sad because i broke my stuff or was mean to someone. when i get angry i am mean and then i hate mysef because i was mean. and then it makes me wish i was dead. and one time i told eileen to just go ahead and kill me. i was crying in her office and having a melt down and i told her to kill me and i sat on the floor and just melted down. she didnt obviously but it was so scary to me just to feel like that. it was one of the scariest times i had besides the abuse i went thorugh. i hate having melt downs buti have a lot of them. can anyone relate? does anyone have melt downs? i hope someone can understand what it feels like because i hate being alone. i do stuff to get dr. barrys and eileens attention sometimes too. when we were hospitalised the last time and dr. barry went on holiday i stopped eating. i stopped eating because i thought if i didnt eat the nurses would call dr. barry and she’d have to come back. but they didnt do that. i did end up telling dr. barry what i’d done. she understood and she was really nice to me about it and she said i ended up hurting myself and she was encouraging me to not do things like that. am i bad? i dont want to be bad. i just hurt so much. i just want dr. barry and eileen. nobody else will do.
i feel sad and hopeless. my heart just hurts. someone please sit with me. i am scared. lonely and scared and sad and feeling afraid and alone and like its hard to breathe. i need a friend. i need someone to love me. i am remembering lots of bad things and feeling gross and disgusting and like i am bad and unlovable and like everyone hates me.
i got talk to dr. barry today. i got to have mosta the session. t was good i telled her how scared i was of the voises. how they were mean to me and telled me to hurt the body and hurt myself. she listened and she said how did i manage. and then itelled her about eileen and wat she tol me to do. and i telled her that i tried to do the things she said last night. like turning the volume of the voises down. and when i see the blood to change the color of it. she said it is good i am using my resourses. we talked about karen. i tol her my hart hurts becuase she leaving. she said it hard when you are losing someone important frum your life. she said that its hard to be hapy for karen and then to deal wif the feling of losing her too. i said ya it is. we ar gonna say goodbye to karen next week. we have a card for her and we writed a nice message inside it. i told dr. barry that i got stuked out last night. and this mornin. and i couldnt get back inside agin. i tried and tried but i culdnt. it skary cuz then i have to manage and try to be a growned up. and i cant do it. im not good at actin like a growned up. i tol dr. barry that i wish the bosses who gave karen the promoton wuld keep her on dr. barrys team. she said unfortunatly it dosnt work like that. and i said i wished it did. my dr. barry is so kind. she talk sofly to me. and she realy lisens to at i have to say. she never tries to get rid of me or say she has enough of me or noothin. i love her cuz shes special. she the best doctor. my best. and karen is my best social worker. i tol her we writed in te card yur simply the best. we talk about sarah and i said i am nervous to meet her. dr. barry said it wil be ok. that sarah kno to ask for carol anne or liz but if one of us kids comes out she is ok with it. and she wil talk to us and she wil be nice to us. i glad of that. dr. barry talked to her about us. so she knows and that is good. i not lookin forward to next week and sayin goodbye to karen. i think i wil cry. it gonna be so hard. i will hug her real hard and i wont wanna let go. dr. barry is gonna be there too i think. i glad bout that. it helps that she will be there too.
carol anne say i can rit. i not like this nite. it dark and i fraid of tha dark. i skard bad men gon come. get me and hurt me. carol anne said no. they wont she said she wil kep me safe. i hope so. i do trus her lots. i emailed eileen. i teled her i was skard. i hop she wil get it tomoro. i tol her my felings are big. big and skary. and it fels lik i gona drown. i be shakin and stuff all tha tim. and tha voises ar bak too. thay say mean thigs to me. tel me to hurt htha body. but i didnt. i didnt do nothin. i told them to shut up. i not gon lisen to them. i gon tak my remote that eileen tol me to get and turn tha voises down. change tha chanel. that wat we pratic in therpy. and i go to do that now. also she say wen i see blood, to change that color from red to a difrent one. i like purple or pink. so i change the bad red color to a pink color. and that helps. dat all i kno wat to say. i got go to bed now. night eferyone.
taylor i six
four more days till i see eileen. just four. i wish they’d go by fast. i miss eileen soo much. it hurts. it really really hurts.
my heart hurts. my chest is tight. i am sad. i am feeling alone. abandoned. so soo alone.
listening to eileen read to me i start to cry. playing the guided imagery that she recorded, its so nice to hear her voice. talking to me about disneyworld, about disneyworld being my safe place.
telling me all the things i need to do to ground, showing me breathing exercises, speaking softly and saying nice comforting things. it feels so comforting to hear her and just for a moment i imagine her arms around me.
then i come back realising she isnt here. and i start to cry. but you will see her on tuesday, i tell myself. its ok. you are strong. you can get through these last couple of days. i make myself a cup of hot chocolate, wrap up in my blanket, soothe the young parts. it will be ok. i promise we can get through this. we can. you are safe. dont worry now, eileen will be home soon. and until she’s back i will protect you. hold you close and you will be ok.