A tough conversation with dr. Barry

so we got home from our appointment with dr. barry a little bit ago. we had a very intense appointment. some very tough topics were discussed. mostly our discussion centred around therapy, and what might need to happen if the funding for our current therapy was cut. i told dr. barry that i felt like i couldnt even imagine life without eileen. that that reality was far too painful for me to even think about. she encouraged me to try to talk to her about my feelings, and said that running away from them or avoiding it was not ideal. i do agree. i know i need to talk about it. it just makes me so intensely sad to even have to contimplate life without eileen. i put so much work into finding her, it was me who did all that, me who researched trauma therapists, me who found eileen, me who had the initial conversation before we even started therapy. so not only do i have an attachment built up after four years of seeing her, but i also have the investment of having researched and found her also. trauma therapists in ireland arent that easy to come by. dr. barry said right now it sounds like my thinking is that nobody could or would ever do as good of a job as eileen, and no one could ever replace her. and it may be that they’ll never have too. its just we need to plan just in case on the off chance that it might happen. she said there is no harm in planning because it allows me to have some control over what might happen. i said to her that it irks me that the psychology team may say no just because we have did, that again our diagnosis plays a huge role in whether they’ll treat us or not. she said that if they say no to treating us, it wont be because of our diagnosis. it will be because they are under resourced and they normally dont do longterm psychotherapy with anyone. she said she cant think of one person right now who is having longterm psychotherapy from the psychology team. but she said it it came to it we’d have to put a special case forward. i just dont know. i’m still just hoping it never comes to that. eileen said last Monday that we could call the director of the organisation that funds our therapy and speak to her, tell ehr all this has come up in a case conference lately and ask her what her opinion is on all of it. she might be able to reassure us or clarify some things. dr. barry thought that was a great idea today when I told her. she said i should definitely do that. she kept asking me if i was ok, she said i looked so very sad. i was sad. these things are so hard to talk about. i’m not good with these sort of conversations. i literally go into shut down mode. i didnt cry today but god i felt like it at times. i think dr. barry noticed that too. i hate always trying to be the strong one.