The bullies made a mockery of me but I came out stronger

You take pleasure
in taunting me
making a mockery of me
at least I know
Bullies always get what is coming to them
Maybe not right away
but in the end
I’d hope
that the bullies
Will somehow realise
How miserable they made my life
for all those years
years of name calling
of hurling insults
of hurting me physically
making my life a living hell
but I
am stronger
for what I’ve been through
It has made me a more resilient person
and I am fighting back

Letter to my teen self

dear 13 year old me
i know you are hurting. i know you feel like no one cares. i know you feel let down. and like your alone and on your own with things.
try to reach out. people do care. you just have to give them a chance. there really are good people in the world though. you remember the student social worker you met on the train? and you tried to tell her about what was happening to you, about the abuse by oliver?
she tried to do something. she tried to get it stopped. she tried her best. she cared.
i know thats hard for you to believe, but she was in your corner. she only wanted the best for you.
bullying left you suicidal, im sorry i couldnt take your pain away. you didnt deserve to be tormented and bullied. im sorry you felt there was no other option other than to overdose on pills.
try to remember you have value in this world. you are a survivor. you are stronger than you know.
and life is much better nowadays. we are free. no one will bully us now. i will protect you.
the abuse is over. it has ended. you are safe. you are loved.

Emily, talking in therapy: Memories of bullying

its emily. i am 12. yesterday i had some time in therapy to talk to eileen. it was so hard to talk about my memories. i was so sad. i have bulimia. i hate food and i hate how i look. i feel fat and ugly and disgusting and gross and like nobody likes me. i always feel like i want to die. like no one wants to be around me because of how i look. its because we were bullied. we were bullied in school. and the bullies were awful and hurt us and i was the one who was around for lots of that time. the girls in school would do things like trip us up. call us names. they tripped us on the stairs and broke our arm. they put super glue on our chair and only for another kind girl told us not to sit down we would have sat on it. they got us when we were walking home from school and knocked us over with our backpack on our back and all of our stuff fell out of it. we couldnt see it to pick it up. it was so scary and they made me feel horrible and worthless every day. so eventually i took an overdose because i was hurting so much. when we were 16 was when we took our first overdose. all because of the bullies. i told eileen all about it yesterday. she got so angry at them for what they did to us. she said she couldnt fathom what was going through their mind to do so many horrible things. not only had i just left dublin where we were abused lots by so many people but then i came home to cork to start a new life in main stream school only to be faced with these bullies who would not give up. they would not leave me be. and because of it I developed an eating disorder. and now i make myself sick. i count calories. i use diet pills and laxatives. the others have to watch me all of the time because i do things i shouldnt do. but eileen said its not about the weight. its more about my emotional state, how i am feeling and how i am coping psychologically. after we took that first overdose we were hospitalised. they said we had acute stress disorder because we kept having symptoms but no body could figure out what was causing them. so eventually they said it was just stress causing the symptoms. eileen said yesterday it was my bodys reaction to all of th e trauma. our bodies hold the trauma and then they hold the memories and react to them. so that is why i kept having headaches and chest pain and stuff. i’m glad i came out yesterday. it felt good to talk to eileen. it felt like i was able to release some stuff. eileen is so nice she said i could leave the memories in heroffice. so i did. thank you if you read this post. i appreciate that you took the time to read my words.

Our Experiences of bullying as a teen

Ive been thinking a lot today. Mostly I have been thinking about our teen years. So much happened during that stage of our life. It was before we were ever diagnosed with did, because we were unofficially diagnosed with did in 2001. But it was during our teen years, that we discovered we had any mental illness, namely depression, and an eating disorder. And it was during our teen years that the abuse came out, came to light, but I am not going to write about that now. What I am planning to write about was the bullying we endured twice during our teen years. The first time we were bullied, was when we were still in the boarding school in Dublin. For those who maybe dont know, this was a school for the blind. When we entered secondary school at age 13, was when the bullying started. It was intense. It was horrific and horrible. The girls who bullied us were very nasty and mean and would stop at nothing to cause us pain. Eventually we told one of our teachers, our class head teacher. She said shed sort it out, and she did. The bullying stopped and we thought wed gotten through it and it was over. Only a few years later, when we left the bording school and returned home to go to school at home, it started up again. Only this time we had a much harder time than before. We were in a school of over 500 pupils, all of whom could see, we couldnt as we are blind. At first when we went there it was a novelty to the other girls. Theyd never been in school with someone who was blind. Lots of them were eager to show us around, be our friends, take care of us. But of course this didnt last. When the bullying started, it got really bad really quickly. Theyd call us names. Theyd make us cry. Theyd do things to injure usfor example knocking us over when we were carrying our backpack, trip us going up the stairs, put superglue on our chair, you name it, they did it. It was when they tripped us while we were walking up the stairs that everything blew up. We broke our arm then and had to go to hospital. So then, the bullying all came to a head, it was found out by the teachers and principle. Of course this made the bullies very angry. They then started to do things outside of the school so they wouldnt be noticed. So while the teachers thought it had stopped, it really hadnt. It was escalating further and further. Eventually we couldnt take any more. Eventually we tried to end our life. We were taking Prozac and we overdosed on it. Luckily for us, our mom found us. We were rushed to the hospital and it was only then that we met our first psychiatrist, Dr M. Dr M diagnosed us as having clinical depression and anorexia. She put us on antidepressants. She continued to see us as an outpatient for over a year until she deamed us well enough not to see her any more. We still had to stay on our meds though. I supposed if the bullying hadnt happened, we might have never seen anyone and we may have never have gotten into the system as early on as we did. Sometimes though i wonder if becoming a service user of the services for mental health at such a young age was helpful. Im not sure still if I think it was or not. Thats part of our story and I hope someone out there is able to relate to it in some sort of way. It was hard for me to write and think back and remember the awful experiences of bullying and of our teen years. But I am glad I decided to open up a little bit more than I have done in the past about what happened to us.